Things That Would Probably Get Me Fired At Other Jobs.

Morning Blogstalkers.

First, if you haven't yet, enter My Giveaway.  It ends at 12:00AM CST tomorrow (Friday). 

Sorry for the long delay in between posts.  It turns out it's hard to have a full time (currently very crazy) job, pack your entire home, run a blog and sympathize with a husband who's just "stepped on something sharp, it felt like glass." 

It was a piece of dog food by the way.

So I've had nary a second to sleep much less write a blog post.

The utter lack of sleep is making me VERY tired.  So tired that I actually (like seriously almost word for word) had this conversation with someone at work, that we will, for the sake of anonymity, call "My Boss".

(And just so everyone knows, I totally understand the slang definition of the term 'nooner' I was just pretending I didn't know the word already existed in this conversation.)

Lauren: You know, I was thinking...

MB: (Interrupting) Here we go again.

Lauren: Oh shush....oh crap, I mean please sir may I continue?

MB: If I said no would you actually just go back to your desk?

Lauren: I would not.

MB: Continue.

Lauren: Would it be totally unreasonable if, today, let's say around noon, I took a short nap under my desk?

MB: Oh Ha Ha.  Wait....you're serious?

Lauren: As a monkey having a heart attack.

MB: Ok..well I think in this case the answer would be yes, it would be totally unreasonable.  It would reflect badly on the company.

Lauren: It would only reflect badly on the company if someone saw me.  And I would make sure to sort of wedge myself behind the trash can and recyling bin and then scootch my chair in all the way.  Plus think about how goodly it would reflect on the company when I'm all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to take the accounting world by storm this afternoon.

MB: Still no.

Lauren: But it could be like the next hot new trend in awesome offices, and we would have started it.  It would be in the paper probably.  We'd have to patent a name for the lunchtime-under-the-desk-nap though....Hmmm....What do you think of "Nooner"?

MB: So you want to get this company in the paper because we've started the hot new trend of allowing 'Nooners'?

Lauren: **mumbles something** **busy writing**

MB: What are you writing?  Are you taking notes on this ridiculous conversation?

Lauren: What? No.  That would be utterly ridiculous.  I was just writing down something sage you said earlier in the day before I forgot.  **Thinking SHIT, was totally taking notes on this conversation for later blog usage, please please don't let him ask to see the notes.**

MB: Alright, well I think you can go back to your desk now.  Not to sleep under it.  To work.

Lauren: We will revisit this topic in the future.

MB: I assumed.  Oh and Lauren?

Lauren: Yes?

MB: Please start a list of words that I'd like you to not say in the office ever again.  Let 'Nooner' be your first entry.  And actually, for good measure, throw 'monkey' on that list.

Lauren: I'm not sure I can work here any longer.

MB: You can use the word 'monkey' on Fridays.

Lauren: Deal.  It's been nice doing business with you.

MB: I'm not sure that's what we've been doing, but ok.  Now journal entries please.

Lauren: Anything you say sir.  I am clay in your hands.

Lauren: .......I will add the phrase 'clay in your hands' to the list.

I LOVE my job.

So what's new with you Blogstalkers?  Any words or turns of phrase that you've been favoring lately?  Maybe to the disgruntlement of the people around you?






37 comments:

  1. I have forbidden the word "moist" to be used in my office. It comes up entirely too often when your main job responsibility is reading medical records. I can't even type it without wanting to throw up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, I hate that word too. I didn't even realize I hated it until the episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about it. Do you watch that show? Did you see that episode? They said the word moist like a thousand times. It was hard to bear.

      Delete
  2. This maked me laugh so hard. Wish people at my offices were this cool.

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    Replies
    1. "maked"?! Ouch. Made! Made, I swear I'm literate.

      Delete
    2. Haha your comment maked me laugh so hard! I do things like that all the time! Yesterday I had to take a deep breath and concentrate really hard to remember the correct way to spell the word 'sure'. Seriously.

      Delete
  3. People just generally ask me to stop talking altogether. If I did that they would never get entertained by my snippets of wisdom. They certainly wouldn't have the 'abi-libs' as people call them where sentences rarely stick to anything logical, either!

    There are certain words that I can't speak though because they make me cringe. They're not even naughty words.

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    1. Also, 'nooner' is totally slang for sex here.

      Delete
    2. Ryan asks me to stop talking A LOT but I think my friends are always just sort of interested to see what new nonsense comes spouting out of mouth every time they see me. I'm surprised they don't all have neck conditions from all of the head-shaking they do.

      And yes 'nooner' is slang for sex here too, which I did know. I just like to pretend I'm naive at work sometimes. Then no one approaches me with anything serious, which is just fine by me.

      Delete
  4. haha, I want to work in your office!

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    Replies
    1. Fine! Do it! We'll have so much fun at work.

      Delete
  5. The people I work with are not nearly so cool about my weirdness. They just stare silently, mouths agape.
    Any pics of your new apartment yet? I'm dying of curiosity. I'm moving memorial weekend, so I will post photos after!

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    Replies
    1. I got really lucky with this new job. They sort of get me here. The last job, the one I quit without having another job lined up, was pretty much the opposite except for a couple of girls whom I absolutely loved.

      No pictures yet, it's still a disaster area. I'll post pictures as soon as it's look all nice and lovely. Maybe before then on Facebook.

      Delete
  6. Anonymous5/03/2012

    Show this to your boss and then ask for that chair :)

    http://management.fortune.cnn.com/2011/08/18/why-companies-are-cozying-up-to-napping-at-work/

    You are welcome :)

    Mrs. Mac

    PS: "Nooner" sound like code for sex ;) How about disco nap?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks to you, my boss is now the recipient of an email containing that link and the words "Pretty please?"

      He's going to be in SUCH A GOOD MOOD this afternoon.

      Delete
  7. Maria T.5/03/2012

    You are so friggin awesome!!!

    What about painting eyes onto your eyelids? Then when you close your eyes (let's say... to sleep, perhaps), you look like you are looking (more like staring) at something. Win-win!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang it, I would but I'm a TERRIBLE artist.

      And Ryan is quite crap at painting as well, so he can't help. Maybe I'll get eyeball tattoos on my eyelids?

      Delete
    2. "Yes you heard me correctly tattoo artist. I did in fact say that I wanted you to tattoo exact replicas of my eyeballs onto my eyelids. Also, please make my eyes purple this time around, I'm sick of the brown."

      Delete
  8. I used the phrase jumped the shark this morning when discussing Tom Cruise's MUSICAL MOVIE coming out this year (really?????). He'd never heard the term before. I don't know where he's been.

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    Replies
    1. Ok so I do know NOW what jumped the shark means, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I had to look it up the first time someone used that phrase around me. It started as a JAWS reference right?

      Delete
  9. "Dropping a deuce" or "dropping the kids off at the pool"...ugh. Not phrases I use, just phrases I wish certain people would cease to use.

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    1. OHMYGOSH I am so glad no one I know uses those phrases. That would bother me to no end.

      Delete
  10. Hahahaha I love that he allowed Monkey on Fridays. Awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Yep. My boss. He's one of the good ones.

      Delete
  11. Lol! And as an HR person, technically your boss could 'strongly disapprove' of you sleeping under your desk, but (again, technically) a company or boss cannot control what you do during breaks or lunches (that's the reason they are breaks or lunches) provided you don't 'oversleep'. The reason I know this? I was once asked if someone could be fired for taking naps and the answer was no. However...I wouldn't push it because that employee was fired for another reason 'unrelated' to naps. :-)

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    1. That is very good to know...hmmmm....

      If just one other person in this office would start taking naps first then I would totally jump onboard. I just don't want to be the first one because then I'll just be "that girl who naps at her desk at lunch" for the rest of my career.

      Delete
  12. I am jealous of where you work. I hate my job to the point of no longer being able to joke about it. Sad face.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I've been there, I really have. Been there to the point of actually quitting my job without having another job lined up. I just couldn't handle it any longer.

      I'm not suggesting you just up and quit your job, because that was probably a dumb thing for me to do, but seriously don't waste time doing something you hate, find something new, it's so worth it.

      Just move to Chicago and work with me.

      Delete
  13. I may or may not have read this quickly while my students were working quietly today. Mistake. Very, very hard not to laugh out loud. And I personally think pocketbook and beauty shop are delightful and should make a comeback. I would also squeal with delight if more people were hanging out on their lanai - think Golden Girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My grandparents in Florida have a lanai. I LOVE using that word when I visit them.

      And pocketbook is just delightful. I haven't heard it in forever. Now I'm going to use it constantly. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post!

      Delete
  14. Can I come work with you? I promise you can use the word Monkey whenever you want. Also, I'm great at telekinesis. So you won't have to reach for your coffee anymore.

    Sorry, it's been THAT kinda week and working with more than a few assholes doesn't help.

    Hugs!

    Val

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes you TOTALLY can come work with me. I need people like you around. Some people in this office still don't get me. You could help with that.

      Except, you'd have to accept the fact that I, wait for it, don't drink coffee.

      Sometimes I put hot chocolate in a coffee glass though and pretend it's coffee.

      Delete
  15. Crazy town!! As in...the school pick up line was crazytown! That total crazytown grandma that parks her car in the drive through line to get OUT of her two door car to scream for the kids, then walk back to the car, drive up ten feet and do it again...then finally takes five minutes to personally buckle the kiddos in the back seat was in front of me today!
    Crazy town!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh Crazytown takes me back! Wasn't that the name of a band like ten years ago? They sang that song Butterfly with which all the girls were super-obsessed for a while? There was a scene with that song in the movie Orange County I think.

      Wow THAT just got random.

      I like Colin Hanks. I also like Jack Black.

      Delete
  16. I have a co-worker that takes naps during her OSHA mandated break times EVERY day. I wish I could do this myself, but I think my real problem is that I drink way too much dang coffee, so I end up doing my work in HYPER speed. Then I get bored, so sometimes I clean, which makes EVERYONE in the office mad. I secretly think that they are just jealous because of how clean my desk always is compared to their trainwrecks. The point is naps can be possible while at work...

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    1. I am OCD about my desk at work. Everything is labeled and color-coded and filed and sorted. When clients are taking tours of the office they are always taken by my desk because it is a good desk example. I feel like yours is exactly the same and now we are kindred spirits.

      Delete
  17. My bossman has caught me sleeping at my desk several times, he thinks its funny and then says something non-nonchalant like "why exactly do I pay you?" We've also discussed the possibility of "8-bit porn" on his old computers which MORTIFIED my wife. This post reminded me of my crazy friend who works for a lawyer. She has like five email addresses, all of them long, weird, and hard to remember. One time he asked if she could "just have an email account for the Office, Jane" and so she now has an email account just for the office at theofficejane@addressomitted.com HA!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Have been reading your blog today ever since I came over from the Bloggess. Youre hilarious. And Ive totally taken a 'nooner' at my old job (sleeping under my desk, not an actual nooner!) on a day I got to work really early after dropping my parents off at the airport. Nobody noticed (or nobody ever said anything) and I did pull my chair in real close. I guess since it actually was in the morning it wasnt technically a 'nooner' but still. I hated that job, just in case literally sleeping under your desk didnt give that away.
    Enjoying your blog.
    xo

    ReplyDelete

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