The Return Of Five Things Friday. For One Friday Anyway. I Make No Promises About Future Fridays.

First,  just wanted to mention, we got the keys to our new place today!!!!!!!  I'm SO excited.  Moving this weekend!!!!! Yay!!!!!  Exclamation points!!!!!

So there's an interesting post idea that's been making the blog round lately. 

"Things I'm Afraid To Tell You"

It just sort of encompasses the idea that one's blogging self and in-real-life self aren't necessarily the same person.  I try to keep it pretty real on my blog.  (Having like almost literally no shame whatsoever helps a lot.)  But of course there are things I haven't mentioned.  Things I have deliberately skirted around in my posts.

And for the purpose of letting you all get to know me a little bit better, I thought I'd discuss a few of those things here today.  This is a serious post.  I'm in a serious mood today.

1.  I used to lie compulsively.  About EVERYTHING.  I lied about serious things and ridiculous things.    Ryan used to have to say "Don't listen to her, she lies," whenever I told someone something that was not true.  One time I claimed I could speak fluent Italian to my manager at Banana Republic.  Then a couple who could only speak Italian came into the store and I was summoned to help.  It was really bad.  Five or so years ago I decided enough was enough and made myself stop.  Every time I lied about something, I pinched myself really hard.  I don't lie anymore (except to Ryan about inconsequential things like what I ate for lunch and if I went to the gym and how much money I spent on assorted nuts.)  I'm really ashamed about how much I used to lie.  But I'm also really proud of myself for doing something about it.  It's a conundrum.

2. I read the first two books of the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  I HATED the first one, but I have this thing that I have to finish any book I start, so I persevered.  I don't normally read erotic fiction so to get through some of the more descriptive sex scenes, I had OJ read them aloud to me at the pool in Dallas, which just rendered them ridiculous and comical.  It's probably weird that I had my husband's best friend read me erotica while lounging by a pool.  When I finished the first book, I whipped it across the car, thankful I was done with that shit.  And then for some reason I read the second one.  During lunch at work on my computer so Ryan wouldn't know.  Because he will make fun of me for this.  I HATED the second one just as much as the first.  I have no idea why the hell I read it.  I won't read the third.  I think.  (Reading this book at work was weird and brought to mind how I used to secretly read Sweet Valley High books in elementary school and then hide them behind the piano so my mom wouldn't know.)

3.  In college I was really really poor.  So poor that sometimes I couldn't afford my birth control pills (they were $7) until like a week after I had finished the last pack.  And when I did have the pills, I was REALLY bad about taking them at the same time (or honestly at all.)  I don't know why I wasn't more responsible about this, it really bothers me now.  The thing is...I never got pregnant.  That, coupled with my history of ovarian cysts, makes me worried that I won't be able to get pregnant whenever Ryan finally notices that babies smell really good (well sometimes) and decides having one around wouldn't be the worst thing ever.  I'm worried about how I'll react if I can't have babies of my own.  It's the number one thing I've wanted since my brother was born when I was like 10 and I secretly pretended he was my baby.  I'm not a very strong person.  I think it would break me.

4. You all know I love cheese.  What you don't know is that I shouldn't be eating it.  Cheese (well really dairy of any sort) makes me really really sick.  Because I am lactose intolerant.  This is not a hypochondriac thing, I've done the tests and been diagnosed and everything.  I completely and totally ignore this.  I eat dairy every single day.  It's not good for me and I feel terrible a lot.  But I can't give it up.  It's my comfort food.  I had a cheese enchilada for lunch.  I might throw up soon.  Seriously.  Fettuccine Alfredo is the worst.  Ryan absolutely refuses to let me eat it.  The combination of the cream and the butter and the cheese can keep me in bed crying for five or six hours.  When he's at the lake for the weekend I eat Fettuccine Alfredo and then go to bed and cry.  I am messed up.  My doctor says my allergy could get worse with time and that at some point I might not be able to eat dairy without using an epi-pen.  I said "good thing I already have an epi-pen for the bee allergy then huh?"  She was not pleased.

5.  My battle with depression started freshman year of college, but looking back I'm pretty sure anxiety was an issue for me even as a child.  I used to have to watch, every single day, from my bedroom window, my mom leave for work (at like 6am), until her car rounded the corner and was gone.  And then I couldn't go to sleep unless both of my parents were home.  And every night I checked every single nook and cranny of my bedroom for murderers before going to bed.  If I left to go to the bathroom, I had to do it again or I couldn't sleep.  I routinely checked under both my and my sister's dresser.  There was an inch of space between the dressers and the ground.  I also was always pretty sure I was going to be abducted by aliens.  Planes flying over at night made me hyperventilate while waiting for a beam of light to shine through my window and pull me away.


So there you go.  You probably won't read my blog any more.  I wouldn't blame you.  Yikes.

Are you keeping any secrets blogstalkers?

If you do the same post on your blog, leave me a comment with a link and I'll include it in this post.

Sweet lovely people (check out their five things)
Captain Dandelion (she comments as 'Just Call Me Captain')

Scientific Facts I Just Made Up

Jennifer Parker - Writing Cramp

The Knit Geeks Blog

105 comments:

  1. Breane5/04/2012

    I'm always ashamed to talk about my phobias. I'm petrified of ferris wheels and moths. Like panicked lying on the ground crying petrified. People always give me an odd look when I do finally admit why carnivals give me hives.

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    1. Me too! Though only when on them. I almost had a full blown panic attack last year when my husband and I took our two young kids on one, you know when they stop you at the top? I was starting to hyperventilate!! And I don't even GET panic attacks!! I tried to act normal to not scare the kids, but started freaking when the older kid started swinging the car ... my hubby had to snap at her to stop .. I was ready to vomit, not from motion but pure fear. Mainly fear of toddler falling off, it was both ridiculous and so real! Stupid ride.

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    2. Breane5/05/2012

      When I was about 5 I was on a ferris wheel when I got stuck at the top. I got scared and started crying and the carny told me he had to stop because if he didn't let the fat people off first, it would tip over. I never got on another ferris wheel.

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    3. I'm not so terrified of ferris wheels that I hyperventilate upon seeing one, but I definitely don't like them and tend to avoid them. The one at Navy Pier is pretty much the only exception I'll make as all of the cars are enclosed and the view is ridiculous. But I'm scared the entire time I'm up there. The first time I rode it with Ryan right after we started dating he leaned over to kiss me at the top and I shouted "OH MY GOD just keep still."

      Breane - If a carny told me that when I was a child I definitely would get hives at carnivals now. Just you typing that out makes me rethink ever riding a ferris wheel again.

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  2. Hey dude we all have weird shit going on in our lives but that's what makes us human. My mom left us when I was a year old, since then I don't trust older women, and I am extremely close to my niece and nephew just so they know I will never leave them I tell them I'm not going anywhere every time I say good bye. So they wont ever have to feel unwanted or unloved Fucked up shit in our lives makes us who we are, you can either dwell or get the over it. I chose to make my life one big mother flubbing party because you do only live once...it's not where you have been it's where you are going. I love your blog Lauren, you are real and raw and awesome. I wish I lived closer so I could be your real life friends because you sound like someone I wouldn't hate. True story.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that about your mom RJ. I'm so happy you like the blog, you sound like someone I wouldn't hate either. Move to Chicago kay?

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  3. I'm with you on number 3. I've got endometriosis and ovarian cysts. Everyone is telling hubby and I to wait and enjoy being young, but my biggest fear is that we won't be able to have a baby, so I don't want to wait :( reading your blog makes me feel better about my "secrets"

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    1. Yeah, #3 is like my biggest worry ever, but the only people I've ever mentioned it to before this were Ryan and my doctor. It feels good to say it "out loud."

      And don't wait. Have a baby right now so that then you can dress the baby up in ridiculously tiny little clothes and send me pictures so I can live vicariously through you.

      That was really creepy LAUREN.

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  4. I will totally do this too. As soon as I get home from work that is... I feel like I'm sort of messed up in the grey matter.

    Just promise we'll still be friends, mmkay? ;)

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I forgot to put the link the first time...

      Here goes nothing. *cringe*

      http://captaindandelion.blogspot.com/2012/05/five-things-and-video.html

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    3. I'm sure you've noticed by now but the link is up! Hope it garners you a couple of hits at least.

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  5. I do the same with books!! I also hate when I start a book only to learn it is part of series but is not the 1st one!

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    1. OH MY GOD. I have never done that with a series. I don't think... I would FLIP OUT.

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  6. Ok, here is one of my secrets. I was a latch-key child. There was a period of time where I was home alone after I got home from elementary school and both my parents were at work. I would hide under the dining room table under my favorite blanket until I heard my mother's key in the door.

    Also, there was a monster in my closet. I am REALLY sure of that.

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    1. Sometimes when I was home alone as a child (which didn't happen often as there were five children in my house,) I would sit in the bathroom with the door closed and locked and the first drawer opened as an additional defense.

      I totally get the table/blanket thing.

      Is it weird that hearing all of your guys' quirks makes me like you all even more (if possible?)

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  7. omg i totally read Sweet Valley as an elementary student too, my mother was not pleased when she found my stash. (and my brother tattled!)

    don't worry about infertility. i say this because i am dealing with it right now and, honestly, when you are in the midst of it somehow it because ... easier to persevere through it. sure, there are the nights you cry because know it's all you, or the days you duck behind your desk when your pregnant coworker walks by so you don't give into the urge to cry and/or punch. BUT there is so much hope due to all the great treatments even before IVF, so don't even worry.

    Bonus: being on my current hormone makes me super dizzy, which makes me seem drunk, which is really fun at work! Yay! (hey, you have to appreciate the little things in life, making people think you are drunk at work is actually fun)

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    1. Haha my brother was much too much younger than me to ever tattle on me, but I did have three little tattling sisters, so I've been there.

      Thank you for the infertility comment. I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with it right now, but it really truly helps to hear your perspective. I'll keep my fingers/toes/limbs crossed for you!

      Also, I have a medication that makes me dizzy too. I try not to take it at work, but sometimes I have to. I seriously can not walk straight on it. From now on when people ask me if I'm ok I'm going to start staying "Yes, just a liquid lunch today if you know what I mean." So thanks for the inspiration.

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  8. This was very brave of you. And we all have secrets. Anybody who loves you less or supports you less because of what you shared didn't really love or support you.

    re: Cheese. Isn't there some kind of pill you can take to provide the lactose breaking down enzyme? And it is important to remember that all cheese is different and has different amounts of lactose in them. Which basically means you need to try a different kind of cheese like every day to find out which ones you tolerate better. Plus, you might be able to have cheese make from not cows (goat cheese, feta, etc.).

    Also, you are much stronger than you think. And no matter what happens, you will be ok.

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    1. I have the pills. I take them sometimes but I don't really notice a difference. Maybe it's just me though, I'm sure they actually do work for most people. And Goat Cheese is my hero. I'm able to tolerate it better than other cheeses so I eat entirely too much of it. My favorite thing to do with it is to slice a log of the cheese and then dip it in egg whites and panko and bake until cripsy. Then I roast and slice beets and make a spinach salad out of the warm cheese and the beets.

      Oh my god now I want that for lunch. Crap.

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  9. I did the same things with the Twilight movies as you did the Grey books, but for me it was more of a "why the hell to people like these" kinda thing. They have to get better right...I'll keep watching. I just needed to get it over with so I bought the last book and read it at work (since my job is super slow) such a bad idea! I will never get those hours back.

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    1. Ugh I actually read all of the Twilight books and just don't really get the appeal. Bella is such a weak character it's insane. I've seen the movies but don't make a point to go see them. I saw the second one on an airplane and it was SO BAD. I should have just taken a nap.

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  10. OMG! Just yesterday I blogged (more like rambled on) about my bi-polar disorder. It was sort of like a confession to the world (of 50 followers).

    http://www.queenofiwasgonna.com/2012/05/my-bi-polar-life.html

    Also I totally got through like 9 of the Sookie Stackhouse books (True Blood?) before I realized that I hated them. Still love the show, though.

    Hugs!

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    1. I just read your post and left you a comment over there, but let me know if you'd like me to link your post up to the bottom of mine.

      I was exactly the same way with the Sookie Stackhouse books! Except I only made it through three. I came so close to starting the fourth but somehow managed to convince myself to give up on the series. I love the show too but I have to keep my husband and a pillow nearby. The former to tell me when the really gruesome bits are over and the latter to place over my face during the gruesome bits.

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  11. I'm with you on the cheese!! Its my love in life, not suppose to eat it, but how could you not??? Its amazing... a bad day, you come home and the cheese just makes it melt away. Yum! I spend many days being sick because of it but it's worth it. I love how honest your blog is! Some times, I come on here for a laugh, or just to feel like I'm not alone.Because that is my secret... even in a room full of people, I really feel all alone.
    I really enjoy your writing. :)

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    1. I'm so glad somebody is right there with me on the cheese thing! So many people in my life are so confused as to why I continue to consume something that makes me so ill.

      I'm so glad you enjoy the blog. The comments always help me to not feel so alone, because yes, I get that way too sometimes.

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  12. My dad used to wake up for work around 3 a.m. I would wake up when I heard him turn on the shower, then sit and wait for him in the hallway so I could say bye before he went to work. For whatever reason I thought this little ritual would keep him safe (he didn't have a particularly dangerous job but I'm an anxious person and it made sense at the time).

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    1. Yes! That's exactly what I thought about watching my mom drive away, that it would keep her safe. Isn't is weird how little kid brains can work sometimes?

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  13. I hate reading a book that's part of a series and it's not done yet! i hate it even more when i think i've finished a series only to find the writer has decided to write more books, because that means i HAVE to buy them even if i'm not too fond of the story.
    I also worry about not being able to have kids in the future. I'm surrounded by nephews and a niece and little cousins and I'm constantly worrying that i'll never have any of my own.
    I think we all have issues to deal with and you have to have a sense of humor to make it through life. oh, and there's nothing on here that would make me stop reading your blog, you are hilarious and I find myself agreeing with you on so many things you say.

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    1. I'm so glad you like this blog! It's my current baby until I hopefully have a real baby.

      Have you read the Game of Thrones books? Because I am seriously freaking out almost every single day that I don't know what happens next because the last two books aren't done being written yet. And OMG the last book ended with a big cliffhanger. Series seriously trip me up the same way they do you.

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    2. no i haven't read it and maybe i shouldn't! my bff MADE me read the Hunger Games and i had to take breaks while reading the first one and then waited like 2 weeks to read the second one. at least they were all out when i read them, i HATE waiting. I think Harry Potter was the only series i was in no hurry to see end.

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    3. Oh Harry Potter ::sigh::

      I read the seventh book in one day/night and then cried. I should have savored it.

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  14. Anonymous5/04/2012

    You're just real, Lauren. We all have issues, whether we share them with the world or not, and I think you're readers appreciate knowing the "real Lauren" a little bit better.

    There are two things I fear in this world a lot. One, and this is something I definitely laugh about, is sea kelp. I know! So weird. Good thing I live in NV and we lack oceans here. But in all seriousness, if I ever had to swim in the ocean where the sea kelp is, I'd panic and die right there. Death by sea kelp, awesome. The second thing I fear, and this is a more realistic fear, is that I won't love my children. I'm not trying to have any for a few more years, but I fear I won't make that bonding connection when my child is born. I like my freedom. I can do what I want, when I want. I know that's something that disappears when children come into the picture. You have to base your life around your children. I'm afraid I'll resent them for taking away my freedom. I feel like I'll probably have postpartum depression. That is something I fear on a fairly regular basis because I'm getting married in 2013, so children are in the foreseeable future. Isn't it strange? You want a child so bad you fear you won't be able to have one, and I worry I won't love mine.

    Stacy

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    1. Ok the sea kelp thing made me laugh! But I get it. I mean Ryan is afraid of tiny little yellow baby chicks, which is much much more ridiculous.

      As far as your fear about your children goes, I had a college friend who had the exact same fear. She has kids now. She loves them. She says it's just impossible to not love them. I'm not saying that's how it always is, because I couldn't know, but I guess all there is to do is wait and see. I think the fact that you worry about not loving them is probably a good sign. Like you even now care about your unborn children so much that you already worry about them.

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    2. Anonymous5/09/2012

      I never looked at it like that! That is a good thing I suppose! Thanks!

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    3. Anonymous6/04/2012

      I had that exact same fear. And when I got pregnant, it only got worse. I would hear from all these pregnant women that they loved their unborn child, and I was terrified because I did not feel that way, at all. I went for months and months without telling anyone, because I knew it made me a terrible person and that I would be a terrible mother. I was probably 8 months pregnant when I finally told my husband. He said something to me that, while it may seem strange, was precisely what I needed to hear: So what? I know you, and you will take care of this child anyway, and she will never know if you don't love her. She'll be fine, either way.

      And guess what? I totally love her.

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  15. You have a wonderful set of Blogstalkers...we love you no matter what! Everyone has secrets and it is normal to be abnormal...know what I mean. It's those "NORMAL" ones I worry about.
    I had a thing for the closet monster...to this day I still am uncomfortable sleeping with the closet door open. Of course I have lots of other issues too...but that is what makes me me. I thank you for being courageous enough to share yours with us :)

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    1. The closet somehow is something I was never afraid of as a child. But then as an adult I had a dream that a lion was coming out of my closet, so now they terrify me, obviously.

      I am so loving everyone's little idiosyncrasies. These are like my favorite comments of all time.

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  16. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! How many people could actually write a post like this and be honest about it?
    I agree with everyone else, you're a human! Everyone has their own baggage, even if it seems like all they've got is a purse! (No one has just a purse! Usually the people who you think only have purses actually have a steamer trunk that they've checked). A lot of people are just better at hiding it.
    My doctor told me that due to a combination of factors, including age and a tilted uterus (among others) that I could have a hard time getting pregnant. It happened in five months. Try not to borrow trouble. There is so much that they can do now to help with this issue. I have two friends who did hormone shots to increase their fertility because it was low and they have healthy little girls now. Cross that bridge if you come to it, not before.
    I have a blog that I never post on any more so here are my disclosures. I made my husband check and close our closet door for like two months after an episode of Fringe if I went to bed and realized it was open. Whenever I go somewhere new I figure out where I will hide in the event of a tornado. I have an irrational fear of sharks. I can't look at pictures of them, or watch under water footage for fear of seeing them, and if someone hums the theme to Jaws while I'm swimming, even in a pool, I have to get out of the water. I had problems with wetting the bed as a child due to getting in too deep of sleep, so now when that happens I dream of having to go to the bathroom and not being able to find a toilet with a door, toilet paper, that's clean etc. Then I wake up and practically fly to the potty.

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    1. Thank you for your comment, seriously.

      I'm also afraid of sharks, though not to the extent you are. But it's part of the reason I won't swim in an ocean that I can not see through.

      That's so interesting about the toilet dream thing. I sort of envy your ability to sleep so deeply. I have sort of the opposite dreams than you. When I'm really really thirsty I dream about all different sorts of drinks. Once I woke up craving strawberry pop so badly that I made Ryan stop at the store that day to get me some.

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    2. Oh I have terribly vivid dreams. When I was pregnant I dreamed of chocolate fudge pop tarts and had to stop on the way to work and get some. The dreams I hate are the anxiety dreams where I'm massively late for work, or forgot to go to a class, or a test or something massively significant and/or costly. In college I had multiple dreams where my teeth fell out. Awful.
      I was reading some of your responses down thread and we have so much in common! I'm also a massive homebody and love to bake. That also seems to be a trend in these responses. So many people with so much in common. Makes me feel a lot less lonely, and less strange.

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    3. I think strange people are the best people!

      Ryan has dreams where his teeth fall out quite a lot. For years and years. Kind of weird since he's not really a stressy person in real life. I have dreams that I've missed like weeks of a class and not done any of the homework or studied and the semester is about to end. I'm not even in school anymore so it's weird.

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  17. Holy. Shit.

    We are twins!

    I LOVE cheese! Especially cream cheese, havarti, old sharp cheddar, CHEESE CURDS, and saputto.

    AND I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT TOO!

    Andrew gets so angry when I eat it (which is everyday), but I love love love cheese! I was willing to switch to soy milk and not eat ice cream and yogurt, but I just can't give up cheese. I am willing to deal with the nausea and stomach aches in order to get my fix.

    Moral of the story: twins. Definitely twins.

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    1. Ok you must tell me. What is Saputto? Why haven't I heard of this cheese before? (Cream cheese is amazing btw, having it for lunch today....on a bagel, not just with a spoon.)

      I also gave up milk and rarely eat ice cream (and hate yogurt)but cheese will always be a part of my life. I so get it. I so so get it.

      I accept your twins theory. It seems completely plausible.

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  18. I've already told some secrets on my blog.....still LOTS more!

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    1. Oooh...I await them with thinly-concealed anticipation and bated breath.

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  19. I used to lie too! I don't know why I did it, and it wasn't ever anything that made any difference. It was so stupid and one day I decided it had to stop. I also have some OCD tendencies about checking for monsters. Now that I'm an adult, it's more rapists and murderers I'm looking for, but everything has to be checked just so, and a trip to the bathroom means a redo. I also have PCOS and I'm pretty sure I can't get pregnant. No biggie because I don't want kids, but I understand why you are scared. There is always a reason for everything though, and things have a way of working out, even if the process doesn't unfold like you envisioned it. I think you are so brave for sharing all of this, and I agree with all of the other comments that you are much stronger than you think.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. Everyone has been so lovely and reassuring.

      As far as the lying...right!? Like who lies about places they've been on vacation and how many times they've been stung by a jellyfish? Like that seriously does not even matter.

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  20. I've been dealing with depression since my freshman of high school. Four years later, it's finally escalated to a point where I'm sometimes afraid for myself. I'm going back into counseling when I get home for the summer, but I think there's more to it than the depression. Sometimes I just don't feel... Right.

    I think it shows a lot about your character that you're posting this. It shows how brave you are. I hope one day soon, I'll be able to be just as brave.

    Thank you for being a positive role model. :]

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    1. Thanks for calling me a role model! I certainly wouldn't have pinned that label to myself, but I'm so happy I'm able to provide you with any support whatsoever.

      Depression makes me not feel "right" either. Like something is just off. Like something has never clicked into place in my head. With medication and counseling the feeling goes away for me. I really hope it does for you as well. Counseling is a great (and very very brave) step to take.

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  21. I've had depression issues for years. I take medication, but I'm not even sure it helps. My heart was broken a year ago, every day the wound is torn open again. Someone said to me today "have a good weekend and promise me I'll see you on Monday." I could not give that promise. Depression lies.

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    1. Yes depression lies. You HAVE to keep reminding yourself of that. Especially at the very worst moments. I've been where you are, when it feels like it would be easier to give up. Don't give up. There are bright spots ahead. I promise. Now you promise me I'll see you on the Internet on Monday.

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  22. Wow! What a brave post! I think I'll have to work up some courage before I post one of those posts on my blog....I'll let you know when I manage it....

    I totally agree with you about books - once I start reading them I have to get to the end, even if it's really terrible. (Unless it's horror, because I have an overactive imagination and they give me nightmares)

    Also, did you know that cheese is addictive? There are lots of articles on the net about it if you look. I still eat loads of it though. Mmmm cheese...

    Anyway, I love your blog, and I loved this post. Take care of yourself, Lauren! xx

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    1. I thought about doing this post for probably a week before I finally got the courage to hit 'publish'. I'm so glad it's been so well-received. I have the most amazing blogstalkers of all time turns out. Although I did already have a sneaking suspicion that this was the case.

      I think I'd heard that about cheese before. But I've never read any articles about it. Off to google!! SO interesting.

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  23. Loved this post, as usual. Except for one part - you ARE a strong person emotionally. This list alone is testament to all the things you've survived/are surviving in (as well as recent blog posts since I've been reading).

    Also, I LOVED Sweet Valley High. I never hid it behind the piano, but sometimes I hid under the piano which was, of course, ineffective as you can see from one side to the other.

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    1. Thank you for your comment Brittany! And thank you for reading.

      As far as SVH goes, isn't it funny how risque they were to us back then? Like seriously I saw one at a used book store a couple of years ago and grabbed it and read it in like two hours.

      The worst thing that happened was that Jessica went out with a boy that was in college and RODE ON HIS MOTORCYCLE. Which, yeah is dangerous. But seems somehow not worthy of hiding behind the piano. Now "Forever" by Judy Blume, that is a different story entirely.

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  24. I used to cry on the way into work, because I was sure I was inadequate for my job. This went on all year this year, until maybe 2 months ago. I'm sure it will start up again next school year, as I transition into a part-time position (from sub position).

    Sometimes I think I'm really crazy, like unfixable crazy.

    Also, I have a strange fear of scallions. If they are in my refrigerator, I'm afraid to open the door. I know, that's really weird.

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    1. I am so intrigued by your fear of scallions. I like HATE WITH A PASSION HATE sun-dried tomatoes and will not touch them or smell them or eat anything that has touched them but I don't think I'm quite at the point where they scare me yet. Although, who knows what the future brings. The scallion thing is so interesting! Is there a reason for the fear?

      As far as being inadequate for your job, as far as I can tell from your comments, you're an excellent teacher. You're well-spoken, expressive and extremely literate. I had some teachers growing up that were no where near your level of intelligence, I can tell you that. Plus you obviously care, which is like the number one thing I would want in my future kids' teachers.

      Delete
  25. I read Whitley Streiber's book Communion in HS and couldn't sleep for the longest time because I was sure aliens were going to abduct me as soon as I fell asleep. Also, I have to run up the stairs when it's dark out because I'm sure there is some ghost behind me trying to grab me (and I've done this as long as I can remember.

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    1. I have to run up the stairs, too. I'm often the lat one in my house to go to bed - I'm more of a night owl and husband and son are not. I always think there is someone/something behind me on the stairs.

      Delete
    2. I don't run up the stairs (well I probably will now after reading these comments haha) but as a child (and as a teenager let's be honest Lauren) I did used to run from the car to my front door if it was dark. I could not get inside fast enough.

      Delete
  26. You are pretty much the best thing. You are a refreshing, brilliant mix of strength, vulnerability, and hilarity, and I can't tell you enough how much I secretly (well, I guess publicly now) admire you. I'm so happy I blogstalk you. I try to keep my blog voice as real and as close to the actual Kait as possible - allowing honesty, but with the rough edges smoothed- but, like all of us humans, I tend to want to keep the realest (read: not so funny/charming/light) details out of the online reading material. In January, I revealed the secret of my depression on my blog. (http://thefoxconfesses.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-do-best-imitation-of-myself.html). It remains one of the scariest, most exposing, and most relieving things I've ever written or confessed. You and I both know depression lies, but when we forget it and are so far in the black that we forget we'll come out, it is so good knowing we have friends like you who will hold our hands in the dark and wait with us.

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    1. I'm so happy you blogstalk me as well! I just read your post and it is SO WELL WRITTEN and honestly just agonizingly beautiful. You write like I wish I could. Your post seriously just made me tear up a little (and then a lot at the picture of your Riley dog...I had a Riley dog too.)

      You are pretty much the best thing. I mean it.

      Delete
  27. Amy Hush5/04/2012

    1. I used to be a compulsive liar too! I remember once in like second grade we were having a fire drill. A few kids were upset. I remember telling them, "Don't be afraid. I don't smell any smoke. My dad is a police officer and he takes me to train with the drug dogs. I have a great nose." My dad really was a police officer. He just didn't train me to sniff out crack, although that WOULD be a pretty useful skill to have.

    3. My husband (at the time he was my fiance) and I decided we would leave the baby thing up to chance. After three and a half years of no baby I decided we were too young and I should get on the pill. I was waiting for my period to start....and that's how we found out I was pregnant. Fast forward three years. We were messing around and out of condoms, we figured, hey, it took us three and half years! Once won't hurt!...and that's how we got pregnant with my son. It WILL happen! Don't worry :D

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    Replies
    1. It's crazy to me how many people are fessing up to the lying thing. I always felt so guilty about it, but it helps to hear that it's something other people dealt with as well. I sort of LOVE your lie about your 'great nose' even if it wasn't entirely truthful. It makes me giggle.

      And thanks for the baby comment. I really need to stop worrying so much about something that hasn't even happened yet.

      Delete
  28. If your periods are regular, don't worry about not getting pregnant while semi-taking the pill! The odds of getting pregnant without having very regular trying-to-have-a-baby sex are low. Some people will then say " Well I got pregnant on the first try/without trying" but fail to mention the numerous times they had sex and did NOT conceive. And by people I mean women. Anyway - I did get pregnant the first time I tried. Then went through three years of secondary infertility which was well .. too much to describe in a comment! But what got me through, what I firmly believe, is that Patience is trust in God's timing. Trust me ... it is, even if you have shakey belief or a sound foundation of belief, or barely any at all .., that saying does make sense. However, unless Ryan is God (which I doubt, since if he can't stop you from eating cheese then I find his credentials highly suspect), the saying is NOT Patience is trust in Ryan's timing, so tell him to hurry the fuck up and make a baby already!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and also I lie about things like eating junk food, I have anxiety but more anxiety about taking anxiety pills than anxiety about coping with unmedicated anxiety, I have transient lactose intolerance but will never give up ice cream, and I finally downloaded the Grey Trilogy, feel kind of dirty reading it, but dunno if is from the reading erotica part or the reading something that is written horribly part. And I find myself becoming more o a homebody/social recluse as I age however I also find myself enjoying my own company more as I age so - huh.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your comment. I really do worry about the pregnancy thing, but I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens and stop panicking so much about something with which I'm not yet even dealing.

      And EVERYONE lies about eating junk food. And EVERYONE hides pizza boxes under the bathroom sink in the guest room so that their husband doesn't know they ate a whole pizza while he was out. (Not everyone? Just me then?)

      Also, I am SUCH a homebody. It's partly because I experience anxiety in many social situations but also because I really just love staying at home and hanging out on my couch with my husband my dogs, my book, my computer and my tv. It's a rare weekend that Ryan manages to convince me to go out.

      Delete
  29. I also used to lie all the time about stupid stuff - like telling people we had eight computers when I was growing up. I don't know why I did it. I think that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, because it's incredibly hard to put the parts of you that you don't always like or understand on display for others to read. You're great. I love your posts. Thank you for writing this!

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    Replies
    1. Thank YOU for writing this comment!

      The lying thing is so weird right? I usually didn't lie about important things, just really stupid stuff. It was almost like I couldn't control it.

      Delete
  30. Super brave of you to share this stuff. :)

    I used to compulsively lie too. I still find myself doing it occasionally and afterwards always think "Why did I even say that?" Sometimes I just lie to lie, it's not even important. It makes no sense!

    And I hear you on the depression thing. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder this past September, and I have been skirting dealing with it, but I've finally starting talking about it on my blog and to friends.

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    Replies
    1. That's exactly how my lying went as well! I lied about the stupidest things. Like I would lie about what kind of sandwich I ate for lunch. It made no sense at all!!

      I'm not bi-polar, just run-of-the-mill depressed but it's so good that you've started to talk about it. I've found with depression at least that if people around you are actually aware of what is going on in your brain, then they can be so much more supportive. It's so courageous to talk about your struggles.

      Delete
  31. Just enough space under the dresser for a hand to reach out and grab your ankle. I had that dresser.

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    1. EXACTLY Bob. I'm so glad SOMEONE understands me.

      Delete
  32. Don't feel bad, a friend of mine told me to read the 50 Shades of Grey book so I started it and immediately texted my best friend that SHE must read it, too, even though it's terrible. And then I promptly stopped reading it and she KEPT reading through to the second book and is now trying to guilt me into picking up and finishing the first.

    Also, she said the same thing - the first one was terrible but you kind of HAVE to read the second just to know what happens. But that you DEFINITELY don't have to read the third. For real. I mean, after a while isn't it sort of like "enough already!" and maybe learn how to write? I'm just saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, enough already. I actually went to Amazon and just read some Spolier reviews of the third book so I know the gist of what happens and now I never have to read the actual book. I so wish I had done that with the second book as well.

      Also, DON'T finish the first book. Because seriously then you will probably read the second and that's just so so many hours lost to terrible literature (if you can even call it that.)

      Delete
  33. I'm reading 50 Shades now. Actually, I'm on the second book. I get really angry at the characters and the writing. But, I like the sex. There... I said it. I'm a freak like that.

    Also, I keep hoping the book turns into a Zombie Apocalypse story. Perhaps in book 3?

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    1. Oh my god, if you read book three and it turns into a Zombie Apocalypse PLEASE let me know. Then I will totally read it.

      Delete
  34. Hi, Crazy!


    Guess what?

    I'm Crazy, too!

    :)


    And I find you funny, charming, and all kinds of wonderful.
    Believe it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha Thanks!!

      I'm going to tell Ryan that someone called me charming today. There's a first time for everything!

      Delete
  35. It was (continues to be--keep having to resist taking it down) a bit scarier than I thought to take your challenge, but thank you for the inspiration. Linky below.

    http://scientificfactsijustmadeup.blogspot.com/2012/05/naked-insecurity-well-at-least-it.html

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    Replies
    1. I linked you up! Hope you get some hits. I also read your post and left a comment on your blog.

      Delete
  36. Anonymous5/09/2012

    I "fixed" my lactose intolerance. Each week, I would have have a milkshake and go home immediately afterwards to deal with the aftermath. After a few weeks, I noticed that the time between consumption and .... its exit was taking longer and longer. Anyway, I now just have Lact-Aid in my purse for when I want to have lots of dairy and won't be near a toilet for a while.

    I am an adult with a good job and handling life mostly like an adult should. But I have a fear of the dark. I keep a lamp on all night. I will leave a trail of lights if I have to use the bathroom at night. At hotel rooms, I turn on ALL the lights so I can sleep.

    xoxo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried to do this. I tried to just eat the same cheese at the same time each day to make my body get used to it, but to no avail. My body just hates dairy with a vengeance.

      If I was in a hotel room alone I'd almost definitely leave a light on to go to sleep and when I'm sleeping home alone I usually turn the tv on and turn the volume pretty low so it's not too quiet/dark to sleep. My sister likes to sleep in rooms that are so dark you can not see your hand in front of your face. I think that is bonkers.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/09/2012

      Maybe cheese is too advanced to start off with your lactose training. I say downgrade to plain milk for a bit and slowly ramp up.

      I can't do the TV thing because I will wake up at night and hear voices and freak out and be unable to think rationally.

      Delete
    3. Yes..maybe I'll try milk. Can it be chocolate?

      As far as the tv goes, I think I am exactly the opposite of you. If I wake up in the middle of the night and it is completely quiet, I freak out. I need some background noise. That's why I love living in the city, because of the sirens at 3:17 AM.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous5/10/2012

      Chocolate milk should be OK to start out with.

      signed,
      Dr. Blogstalker

      Delete
  37. Not to beat a dead horse, but...wow, this is a brave post and you have brave blogstalkers! I was thinking if I could do this, post the top five things no one knows - which, in my case, are things I'm not proud of - and I really don't think I could! I am a coward like that and you are not. I will remember this and strive for courage.

    I am horribly afraid - and I mean to-the-point-of-tears-afraid! - of morray eels. I don't know why, but I am absolutely certain a morray eel is Satan's earthly form. And also, I fear clowns, but, duh! that's only logical. Clowns want to eat your brains. Like Hannibal Lector, but only less humanely.

    You know, I can't but think Ryan's a pretty decent guy for knowing/going through all the stuff that he did/does and yet still wants to be with you! And before that statement goes to his head, that right there is testimony to how awesome and worth it you must be. :)

    Thank you for your blog! Yours is one of two that I follow regularly enough to actually bookmark. (The other is The Bloggess.) You make me laugh 90% of the time and think seriously the other 10%. And if I'm going to be spending time on teh Internets, I think that's a pretty good use of it! (Yeees, rationalization is goood...)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh I'm a coward plenty of the time. Even the thought of swimming in a lake makes me want to vomit. What if something nibbled on my toes!?

      OMG what if there was a morray eel in the lake (do they live in lakes?) I totally get your fear, water creature of all kinds freak me out, unless they are behind glass or tropically colored and toothless and swimming in front of my snorkel in clear water.

      Also, clowns, obviously.

      Thank YOU for reading! I am really excited even to be included in the same paragraph as The Bloggess. She owns the internet and I just rent a tiny corner.

      Delete
  38. I blogged my five things today... jlparker.net

    ReplyDelete
  39. Thanks for linking! You really inspired me to "come out" about my depression, and I am very thankful. When people don't know, they seem to have this idea that you're flaky or selfish or just a big lump of gray blah. It does feel like a load has been lifted, although there are so many misconceptions still floating out there. You're helping to dispel those and are doing a wonderful service to so many, ya know, because people actually read your blog! ;)

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    1. I used to hide my depression/anxiety issues. But sometimes that just made me more anxious, so I finally just decided that it was who I was and I wasn't going to hide it anymore. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

      I'm so glad I could inspire you to do the same!

      And absolutely you are welcome for the link!

      Delete
  40. All late and wrong and not exactly in keeping with the theme, but I am a follower so I gave it my best. http://theknitgeeksblog.blogspot.com/2012/05/way-to-go-mom-of-year.html By the way, you are totally the cat's pajamas.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You are linked up!

      And cat's pajamas. One of my favorite phrases of all time.

      Delete
  41. bouncycastle5/16/2012

    Hi Lauren, newish blogstaker here (found you via The Bloggess). Hi from Denmark! Two things I wanted to tell you:
    1. You are awesome and funny, and I'll stop here before it gets weird. :D
    2. Don't worry too much about number three on your list. This is of course just anecdata, but (totallyverymuch TMI ahead) I've had fears like this too, because I can't take pills and for two years all we did for protection was my partner pulling out. Yeah, not exactly safe, right? Still, when we finally decided to actively try for a baby, I was pregnant in 2 months. So it might not mean a thing.
    You really don't know until you try, right RYAN?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. Thanks!
      2. And thanks again. I really need to stop worrying about it so much.

      Delete
  42. Regarding #4 - I started laughing as soon as I began reading this one.. and then read it aloud to my husband and then announced to him that I must not be crazy, because I'm not the only person who does this to themselves on a daily basis.

    He said, "I don't think that's what you should take away from that..."

    Clearly -he's- insane, and I am still glad I'm not the only person who devours lactose filled food every day and then is sick and miserable, only to do it again the next day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yay! A kindred spirit! I just can't seem to stop. It's like Homer Simpson says (except with beer) "Cheese is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

      Your husband sounds exactly like my husband. Spoiling the dairy party all the time. I'm always like "I'm making chocolate milk want some?" And then he's like "I'm not rubbing your stomach for you when you're crying in twenty minutes." Which is SO rude.

      Delete
    2. My husband says exactly the same thing! I resent his lack of sympathy for my (totally avoidable) pain and misery. ;)

      He does find it amusing that I always know if the Starbucks barista accidentally used 2% or whole milk instead of skim on my drinks. (Yeah, I could get soy, but it tastes funny and ruins the fun.) I take a drink, my stomach goes "STOP THAT AT ONCE", and I'll say thoughtfully, "I think this is not skim milk."

      *laughs* I love cheese, I love butter, I love everything with milk in it, though I admit I don't drink milk. It's always tasted like it's gone bad, to me. But I just can't give up the lactose. If it ever gets really bad, I suppose I'll ... cut it down to a few times a week. ;)

      *high five*

      Delete
    3. *high five*

      I don't drink milk either unless it is of the chocolate variety. I like it, but it's just not worth the stomachache that follows. Things that are worth it: Macaroni and Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Goat Cheese, Cheesecake, etc.

      Delete
  43. I adore that you posted these things. I know that it must have been difficult, but I love your blog because you keep it so real. We all have crap in our lies. It is what makes us human, and lovable. Who wants to be with someone who is perfect? B-O-R-I-N-G! I have my own issues that most people don't know about. My first husband sexually abused our adopted daughter. (He went to prison for 8 years) I seriously thought I was going to die when I found out. Not in the melodramatic way. Really die. I just ended an abusive relationship in April, and had to get a restraining order. Somehow, I choose these horrible men and I don't understand why. they seem perfectly normal at first. So that's my big secret. You must think I'm an asshole, right?

    ReplyDelete
  44. I'm lactose intolerant as well, and I found out that I'm allergic to garlic, onions, ginger and lemony good things. All these things make me break out like a teeneage boy/girl in a movie or those Proactive commericals. But, since I am a baker and cook I will not give these things up. I always look like crap *on my face* which makeup sometimes helps but I still don't think it helps enough. So yeah, I'm glad I read this post of yours. Because my family keeps telling me to give these things up. But I can't. I just can't. I'm glad there's someone else out there like me. <3

    ReplyDelete
  45. I know this is an old post, but reading old blogs is how I spend my Saturdays when I'm supposed to be cleaning my house - so here ya go. For 2) Did you know that there is now a Sweet Valley High grown up version? Elizabeth and Jessica as 30-somethings. This has me terribly excited! So you can sneak and read that instead. 3)I have been there, and my fear was a reality (though it's not for most people, you shouldn't worry!) but my life was incredibly blessed by a wonderful adoption experience a few years ago - which I just wrote about on my blog. And 4) Since I've been reading your blog, I've whined to my husband how your love affair with cheese is just to punish people like me who are allergic to nearly every dairy food - and all this time you've been suffering in silence. Please forgive all the bad thoughts. I take them back.

    ReplyDelete

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