I Also Have A List Of Foods That Shouldn't Exist And A List Of Stores That Don't Like When You Pay With Only Change


Good Afternoon lovely Blogstalkers.

It's time for another riveting tale in which I cause grievous and embarrassing self-harm.  (You can find the first post in this series here.)

Now sit back if you will and let me spin you a fanciful (but completely true) yarn.

The year is 2001 and I am a junior in high school.  A veritable seventeen year old goddess with hair down to my butt and cream cheese smeared on my forehead.  I am taking five AP courses as well as an e-period, which is an additional class students at my school could take at 7AM.  I was not required to take this class nor did I need the extra credit to graduate.  I just really liked school.  And I was a really good student.

Sidenote: I was a really good student that is, until I started dating Ryan and turned 18.  Then we started signing ourselves out of school and going to eat egg rolls at the mall.  I missed a lot of class the last couple of months of senior year.  One time I missed an important exam and the teacher handed it back the very next day and said I couldn't make it up since I could technically get all of the answers from another student's test.  So I burst into tears and she let me make up the test and brought me a can of 7-up (the uncola) to drink whilst doing it.  I got my first B second semester senior year.  All because of nincompoop Ryan.  I will never forgive you for that B in Physics RYAN.

 But moving on.

All of the advanced placement classes and the early classes and the staying after school for Science Olympiad and Scholastic Bowl and then going home and doing homework for five hours eventually took its toll.  I was exhausted, a virtual zombie.  My mom tried to get me to stay home from school for a day or two and get some sleep but I refused.  Why would I rather sleep than go to school?  Please MOM.  It's like you didn't even know me.

I wandered bleary-eyed through my days.  Answering questions and taking pop quizzes by rote.

Then one day my weary body completely betrayed me.

It was just before lunch in Spanish class.  I chose a seat at the back of class because I was already fighting to keep my eyes from slipping shut and I didn't want to suffer the close scrutiny of my teacher.

I tried my very hardest to stay awake.  I pinched my arms and bit the insides of my cheeks.  But it was all to no avail.  I couldn't even hold my head up and so I rested my chin on my hand, elbow on the desk.  I must have drifted off.

I awoke to a shockingly loud noise.  It was the sound of my head slipping off my hand and smashing into the top of my metal desk.

I was in the back of the class so the only students that had actually seen what had happened were the ones sitting to either side of me.  But everyone else of course had turned to see what had created the booming noise that was still echoing about the classroom.

"Oh umm sorry," I squeaked.  "I uh dropped my book on my desk."

"No you didn't," says traitorous classmate and no-longer-friend number one.

"Yeah we saw, you totally just slammed your head into your desk," intoned the goober that forever will hold the top spot on my "People To Snap With Rubber Band" list. (Or at least until my 10 year reunion.)

"That is ridiculous," I started to say, but was interrupted.

By my nose.  Because it had started to bleed.

It was like an upside-down-blood-volcano had erupted.  It was horrifying.

"It's in my mouth!" I sputtered.

Then I ran out of the classroom to the bathroom to deal with my bloodied nose and my bruised ego and also my, it turns out, bruised forehead.

I heard so much laughing as I exited.  It was extremely inappropriate.  It was like no one was concerned for my well-being.  They're all lucky I survived.

I considered not going back to class but in my rapid flight from the room I had unfortunately neglected to grab my lunch that I now remembered contained a Little Debbie StarCrunch.

So I tried to slink back in.  With absolutely no luck.

And that, Blogstalkers is the story of the only standing ovation I have ever gotten in my life.

(And I played Annie in a production of Annie and dyed my hair red and sang my butt off.  That audience was a bunch of jerks obviously.)

People To Snap With Rubber Band

The Humongous TattleTale from the Junior Year of High School Desk Incident

The college professor that asked me "Are you for real?"

Whoever took the last carton of eggnog in the grocery store out of my cart while I was sampling deli meats on December 21st 2009.

Jessica Biel for obvious reasons.

My current boss for asking me yesterday in front of the whole Board if my shoes were on the wrong feet.  (In his defense they were.  In my defense they are flats that normally hurt my feet so I just thought that was the reason for all of the foot pain I was experiencing.)

My old boss who told me they were giving pudding away for free in the cafeteria when they totally WERE NOT. (It seems she had made a bet with another coworker about how long I would wait before going to the cafeteria after she told me that.)

Stephenie Meyer and whoever wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.  Self-explanatory.

The girl at the cupcake store for just standing there and letting me eat a mini cupcake that I thought was a free sample but turns out was a dog treat.

The lady at the optometrist's office who said "Oh! Your ears are all uneven.  The left one is like an inch higher than the right!"  (Which I already knew from, you know, seeing myself in the mirror every single day of my life.  But thanks for pointing it out.  And it's like 3/5 of an inch max.)

The little boy that laughed at me at the aquarium last year when I got told to stop petting the glass at the penguin exhibit.

There are so many more...

So that's all for today Blogstalkers!  Do you have any tales of high school woe?  Who would you include on your People To Snap With Rubber Band list?






65 comments:

  1. Not off the top of my head, but probably because I have deleted them all from my mind - you know, like a coping mechanism. Though I do look totally hot and awesome now, waaaayyyy better than I ever did in highschool as I am like a fine wine and only get better with age, and I would love to tell all the highschool boys who ignored me to SUCK IT but really? I know their current lives are punishment enough. Also. I don't know if this is appropriate or not but it is my favourite quote ever. From someecards. "If someone hates you for no reason? You give that motherfucker a reason!". I giggle at that on an hourly basis. So now people probably hate me for that, but hey, at least I provided them the reason. I'm thoughtful like that.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I've actually seen that card! I love someecards. My best friend used to send me like ten of them a day for a while. Now I just see them on Pinterest.

      I wish I looked better now than I did in high school. But in high school I could eat anything I wanted and still be a size 2. Not so much anymore. Ugh.

      Delete
    2. Don't be so hard on yourself!! True beauty is seen via one's soul. Souls do not come in sizes. That is a fact. And not even a fact like my normal facts, but an actual fact that I just didn't make up. Unless you can convince me that you can size a soul. You can measure a person's worth by their soul, but you can't measure the actual soul. And you, my friend - have a priceless soul. Just keep being you, and be happy being you, 'cause no one does you better than you! xo

      Delete
    3. A priceless soul huh?

      I have always wanted something priceless.

      And Ryan, dummy that he is, has always refused to buy me the Cullinan Diamond (biggest in the world.)

      Delete
  2. My list has to include my high school bestest friends. We all sat together at lunch, and because the lines were invariably long and the food not at all appetizing, I usually skipped lunch. Sometimes I would be convinced to get my lunch so someone else could eat it.Well, one time, my "friends" refused to let me out since I always sat in the middle. so i was being all smooth and decided to stand on my chair and jump to the other side. and it would have been cool. If not for the fact that my foot got stuck on my bookbag strap. so instead of landing cooly on my feet, giving them a triumphant glare and walking to the lunch line, I landed straight on my knees and hobbled to the line while my friends asked if i was okay in between laughs. You'd think this would make them let me out easier the next time, but no, i had to do this again multiple times, although, thankfully not always landing on my knees.
    also, have to add my 8th grade principal who pulled my hair and asked if it was a weave. It WASN'T!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ok the principal thing? That is just wrong.

      And the chair thing? It sounds like something my friends would have done to me. Thankfully we had long benches instead of chairs. I say you definitely add them to your list.

      Delete
    2. Well, in the principal's defense, my hair used to be to my knees long and it was homecoming week so we were supposed to dress like hippies. But, i had worn my hair down before so it just didn't make any sense for him to pull it. still, he's been added!

      Delete
    3. Wow that is long!

      My hair hit my butt at its longest. Then I chopped it all off. And regretted it.

      Now I just keep it somewhere in between.

      Delete
  3. I really cannot wrap my mind around this whole someone stealing the last carton of eggnog out of your cart. Really? There are people who do that? I have been known to wander up to ten steps away from my cart, never once suspecting that there might be dirty, dirty cart thieves lurking near.

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    1. Yep, stolen out of the cart.

      They did leave my purse though, so I should be grateful for that.

      Delete
  4. Jessica Simpson (shouldn't have to explain that one)
    Samantha Brick- the gal who thinks she has no friends because she is too pretty
    Anyone who has a baby and loses all their baby weight within five minutes and says it is easy (I didn't gain a ton (25 pounds) but I am here to tell you it is hard to lose it!
    People who make aren't making a right turn and block the right lane in traffic

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    1. I get the Jessica Simpson thing.

      Samantha Brick I had to google. I'm terrible at keeping up with popular media. But she is crazy. She's not even that pretty?

      Baby weight ::shudder:: I guarantee I won't lose it quickly. I can't even lose non-baby (unless you count food babies as babies) weight.

      Delete
  5. My most public high school horror story took place on homecoming day. I was a marching band geek, and we were crossing the track to take the field for the halftime show. To minimize damage to the freshly laid track, some Einstein laid down plywood sheets from the grandstands to the sidelines. (In hindsight, I now appreciate the irony of protecting a high school track from excessive foot traffic). Over the course of the day, the plywood began to curl upwards, creating a miniature see-saw every time a person crossed. As the person in front of me stepped off, I was trying to step onto the now-elevated side of the plywood. I tripped & fell so hard, that I triggered a human domino chain reaction throughout the ranks. Sigh. Happy Times.

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    1. Oh haha! I know this is so mean, but I so would like to see something like that! At my high school graduation one of my shoes fell off on stage. I just bent down, grabbed it, and continued all one-shoe-off-one-shoe-on back to my seat. Lovely.

      Delete
  6. Too many senior school upsets to post. I would need (more) therapy.

    I am shocked to see Ryan didn't make it onto the elastic-band list!

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    1. Oh Ryan has a totally separate list. It's entirely in my head. I just use the things he does to annoy me as points of a sort.

      Like if he wants to have peas (a food that shouldn't exist) with dinner, I can just be like "I'm too tired to make dinner because you wouldn't stop sneezing in the middle of the night last night and it kept waking me up."

      And then I cross the sneezing thing off the mental list, as it has been used to get something I want.

      Delete
  7. LOL ooooo Lauren thank you for making my craptastic Wednesday just a little better. You make me laugh. Well the dog treat must have been not too bad if you kept eating it :)
    I was very not cool in high school so I tried to stay in corners and the 'cool' people only noticed me when they needed to copy my answers from my homework. So My uncool friends and I usually made asses out of ourselves on a regular basis!! I feel much cooler now, usually... well okay I am probably the only one that thinks I'm cool. But I have way more self confidence now at 28 then I did as a teenager.

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    1. You are welcome haha!

      And the dog treat wasn't terrible, just tasted like a very stale and not sweet cupcake. But it totally looked just like a mini cupcake. Also, I ate it in one bite, so she probably couldn't have stopped me.

      I was not cool in high school either. People were kind of mystified when Ryan started dating me. And I feel the same way you do. I've totally grown into my personality now and have so much more self confidence at this point than I ever did when I was younger. I was like REALLY QUIET for most of high school. And now, I can't stop talking.

      Delete
  8. Well. After reading this my coworker informed me that I had my shirt inside out. lovely. My rubber band list would have to be
    1. What Julia said. Baby weight is hard to lose. I don't like when celebrities are back to a size 0 and it's all over the magazines. ugh.
    2. My husband is on the list some days.
    3. The people who drive 40 on the freeway....it's 70 people. DRIVE!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. ::sigh:: I've done the inside out shirt thing before too.

      I'm a terrible driver so I try not to let the things that other drivers do bother me since I figure I'm probably doing something that bothers them. But even I know to drive the 'common speed' on the freeway.

      And my husband would never leave the list, except I've got a different way of dealing with him (see my answer to Abigail's comment above!)

      Delete
  9. It's like we live the same life sometimes. This made me laugh out loud. (I ALSO just wrote of high school woes, too! Though mine included less blood, thankfully.)

    Should we also shoot with a rubber band whoever is currently or has previously dated Ryan Gosling? Yes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yes we totally should!

      Now off to read your post.

      Delete
  10. I have tried to tell the same story several times and it's not working so I am giving this one more try...short version:
    a seagull shit on my face during lunch and all my friends ran away screaming while I rubbed my face in the grass trying to get it off!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry you're having commenting issues!

      And your story is horrible! That is like the one thing that has never happened to me. But one time I was in a hot tub with some of my friends and one of them got pooped on and started crying.

      We made her get out of the hot tub and clean herself off with the hose.

      We were such good friends.

      Delete
  11. At the end of my senior year, during the last week when no one actually did anything in their classes anyway, we were all standing around talking and I realized my bff was leaving the room and of course I wanted to be with her and not with the boys I was standing with because they were teasing me and being all boy-y. So I turned and tried to sprint from the room. But one of the mean boys held out his leg and I fell flat on my face. Whoops. Then I sprinted out of the room like nothing had happened and had to listen to my bff laugh her butt off. The end.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ugh stupid boys right?

      There were stairs at my high school that were really old and made out of like a hard plastic material. Over the years the edges had gotten really rounded so people actually fell down (and up) the stairs pretty frequently.

      Sometimes I used to hang out by the stairs in between classes and watch. I feel like this makes me a terrible person.

      Delete
  12. I need to stop reading your blog at work, my coworkers already think I'm crazy, I don't really need to add random bursts of outrageous laughter... LOL. <3

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    1. I think that having your coworkers think you crazy is a good thing. Then they can just stay away from you and not give you any more extra work. At least that is what I tell myself at my job.

      So glad you enjoyed the post!

      Delete
  13. i hate jessica biel too, not because of justin timberlake (no competition from me!) but because she's just soooo annoying.

    also she played a character in 'summer catch' named with my real name and i take umbrage that i now have to acknowledge her. (i also hold the same grudge against the bachelor contestant)...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh! I totally know your real name now!

      The bachelor girl kind of bothered me. My best friend thought she was super sweet and pretty but to me she just seemed really naive.

      I do love that name though.

      Delete
    2. oh thanks! i hated it as a child and wanted to go by my (normal) middle name. for some reason my mother refused...

      Delete
    3. That's funny! As a child I tried to pretend I didn't have a middle name because I hated mine (Rae)

      Delete
  14. I fell asleep in high school while in Trig class, but it wasn't the sound of my head slamming on my desk that woke me, but the sound of my own snoring. I sat in the very back of the class and I always thought my closest friends who sat around me could have done what I tried to do, which was to look around questioningly as if I wasn't sure who made that noise. But no, they were not remotely helpful. Traitors. One was unfortunately tall, thin, beautiful and homecoming queen who never did anything unattractive, much less snore in class. It was marvelous.

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    1. I swear if I was sitting next to you that day I totally would have done the 'looking around' thing. Because then I would know I could count on you to help me out the next time I did something ridiculous. Which would probably be the very same day.

      And my sister was that girl in high school. Tall, blonde, size 2 cheerleader.

      Delete
  15. I would like to rubber band snap the lady in front of me at the ATM yesterday. She was taking FOREVER. ATMs are supposed to fast, not allow me to read a full People article while I waited. Save it for the bank, lady and get the hell outta the way!

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    1. I live in a big city. So I'm totally a city-speed person. Even people walking too slowly down the street frustrate me. I totally totally get this.

      Delete
  16. I dressed in a pretty white sweater, with black leggings one day and was feeling really good, because normally I only ever wore jeans and t-shirts. It had rained earlier, and I was late to class, so I was jogging, and WHOOPS I slipped, and slid through a mud puddle. I had mud all the way up my right leg, and up my back. Of course it was passing time, so everyone in the school saw me...

    -_- ugh

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    1. I fell in the middle of the crosswalk once because it had just rained. And then I heard some boys say "Oh man, did you just see that girl wipe out?" Ugh.

      I feel your pain. Though your experience definitely trumps mine.

      Delete
  17. This was hilarious. I'm sure I have high school tales of woe. But I'm suppressed them all far into my subconscious.
    "Stephenie Meyer and whoever wrote Fifty Shades of Grey"??? For sure need to be snapped with several rubberbands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My subconscious is kind of bitchy and enjoys humiliating me so she won't ever let me live things down or suppress them. It's been a difficult life for me haha.

      And yes, several rubber bands. Preferably really fat ones.

      Delete
  18. Anonymous5/18/2012

    A bird pooped on me when I was on a first date!

    xoxo!

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    1. Yikes! That is like the one thing that has never happened to me, getting pooped on by a bird.

      Delete
  19. Is it horrible that I love hearing about these stories of you making a fool of yourself? It is, right? I'm a horrible person. I know.

    I kinda want to snap my son right now because he just asked if he can wake me up tomorrow at 5:30 because we have to be at lacrosse practice at 8:00. What? SNAP.

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    1. Not a horrible person at all. I'm so glad people enjoy my tales of woe. If you're reading my blog, then I'm happy.

      5:30? Does that time even exist? I thought that was only in myths and horror stories.

      Delete
  20. Definitely the boys that meowed at me in high school for having a hello kitty backpack. hello kitty is cool and ironic dammit! hipsters were just a few years ahead of being vogue!

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    1. I had Hello Kitty pencils in high school. They smelled like strawberries. I always sort of wanted to lick one to see what it tasted like. I totally respect your backpack.

      Delete
  21. I would need THE BIGGEST RUBBER BAND EVER to answer this question.

    In fact, I have a similar list called "People I will shoot in the head when the Zombie Apocalypse happens whether or not they have actually been bit."

    It's what keeps me going...

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Love it! Starting new list immediately!

      Delete
  22. 1. My ex-husband
    2. Ex Husband's girlfriend for the past 8 years (we've been divorced ONE YEAR)(yeah)
    3. Those political poll taker people that won't stop calling me
    4. Lindsay Lohan (duh)
    5. That creepy sacker guy at the grocery store who keeps telling me I look "reeeally pretty" even at 10:00 at night when I'm there in my almost-pjs because I forgot to get milk. Stalker much?

    (The nosebleed thing would have totally happened to me except that I had no shame and just put my head down and went to sleep in class by my senior year. Still? Honor grad. So there's that.)

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    1. My teenager tells me that almost-pjs sounds crazy, but you know what I mean, right? The comfy clothes you change into when you are home and think you're probably not going out, but not what you are wearing to bed. RIGHT? Just me then?

      Delete
    2. Ok first, I totally got almost-pjs. It's what I wear every second of my life that I am not at work. Or being forced to go to a wedding or something. But then sometimes after weddings, I change to sweatpants in the car. My husband is probably going to be MY ex-husband soon if I don't start trying. Meh.

      1. Approved
      2. Approved. Also that is messed up. (You're not messed up of course, you're awesome.)
      3. Obviously
      4. Duh
      5. Let's also add the dude on the street today that told me I had a "G-Unit Booty" whatever the hell that is.

      Delete
  23. I think the person who could use a jolly good rubber banding is the boy in high school who, when I slipped over on a wet day and did the splits in a mud puddle, just smirked and said "Nice", then kept walking. But on the plus side, I did learn that I was capable of doing the splits that day.

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    1. Ohmygosh rude. I could NEVER do the splits. All three of my sisters were cheerleaders, one of them the captain. I was somehow the one that was born without an ounce of grace/flexibility.

      Delete
  24. The super rich popular girl in high school (she never spoke to anyone except her crowd so I'm not sure how that makes someone "popular"). Anyway, in desperation she spoke to me one day in class and asked if I had a personal hygiene product she could have. I did and I gave it to her...saving her life at that point! AND SHE NEVER SAID THANK YOU! I should have let her ruin her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. But I'm over it.

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    1. People that don't say thank you is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. Ryan held the door for like ten women, four with strollers and all their random children this last weekend and seriously not one of them said thank you. It was crazy.

      One time in high school Chemistry class, I raised my hand to ask a question and my (male) teacher was like NOT CALLING ON ME and sort of not even looking at me, so I started like enthusiastically waving my hand and that's when I realized I was for some reason holding a tampon in the air.

      Delete
  25. Replies
    1. I'm a bad blogger. I know it. On the plus side, I did leave a comment on your blog today. That counts for something right?

      Delete
  26. Lisa in Seattle5/24/2012

    I can say without hyperbole that your dog treat cupcake moment made me spit tea down the front of my shirt. So thanks for that. ::snaps you with rubber band::

    Post-school revenge story: This guy had been a relentless bully and an asshole to me all through school. A few years later we ended up living in the same apartment complex and he did not recognize me. I was hanging out with a few people in a friend's apt and this guy came sleazing in and started hitting on me. I was using a training grenade as a keychain back then, and I hauled it out of my purse, pulled the pin and tossed it at his feet. He pretty much fell down the stairs getting out of there. I never saw him again. The moral is that there are some things that are even better than rubber bands.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. *giggle Sorry giggle*

      Also, OW.

      Also, I want to steal your grenade story and pretend it happened to me. That's how much I love it.

      Delete
  27. I just wanted you to know that I laughed as hard at that as I have laughed at many of The Bloggess' posts. And she's pretty much my hero. So that's pretty high praise.

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    1. Wow Ashleigh thank you! Pretty high praise indeed.

      Delete
  28. Puppygirl5/27/2012

    I would have so many people on my rubber band list if I had one. That likely just confirms that I don't play well with others.
    I concur with everyone's rubber band lists.
    However, my ex is on a "light his shorts on fire while he's wearing them" list. (something similar to buffi's story but he wasn't with his other girlfriend as long; though they got engaged in less than three months after we broke up. she's definitely on my rubber band list)

    Listening to my husband play Xbox live reminds me that his best man at our wedding is on my rubber band list. He's a complete ass when he drinks.

    I was tormented by a girl in grade school and junior high (including making up a really horrible nickname for me). She thought she was better than me. I saw her again 10 years later. She was still a bitch to me, sneering at me like she was better than me. It kind of lost its affect when I realized that she was still wearing the same clothes she wore in junior high. Those may have been lovely splash pants at the end of the 80s, but she just looked like an idiot as an adult. And her pants were always a couple inches too short at the ankles. It made me smile.

    She's on my rubber band list, definitely.

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    1. One of my readers recently said to me on facebook that an individual person can be wonderful but people as a whole suck. I am in total agreement with that statement. I suppose that means I don't play well with others either?

      Yours and Buffi's stories are crazy to me. I would totally have a "light his shorts on fire while he's wearing them" list if I was in that situation.

      Delete
    2. Better than lighting his shorts on fire? Making him fork over more than half his paycheck in child support, alimony, health insurance, and private school tuition for the kids. Oh, and losing the respect of most of his friends. Watching him stew in the consequences of walking around with his metaphorical pants on fire? Beats the hell out of the literal. :)

      If you are bitter and like that sort of thing, anyway....

      Delete
    3. Metaphorical pants on fire. Hmmmmm...I like that idea.

      Delete

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