I Also Have A List Of Foods That Shouldn't Exist And A List Of Stores That Don't Like When You Pay With Only Change
Good Afternoon lovely Blogstalkers.
It's time for another riveting tale in which I cause grievous and embarrassing self-harm. (You can find the first post in this series here.)
Now sit back if you will and let me spin you a fanciful (but completely true) yarn.
The year is 2001 and I am a junior in high school. A veritable seventeen year old goddess with hair down to my butt and cream cheese smeared on my forehead. I am taking five AP courses as well as an e-period, which is an additional class students at my school could take at 7AM. I was not required to take this class nor did I need the extra credit to graduate. I just really liked school. And I was a really good student.
Sidenote: I was a really good student that is, until I started dating Ryan and turned 18. Then we started signing ourselves out of school and going to eat egg rolls at the mall. I missed a lot of class the last couple of months of senior year. One time I missed an important exam and the teacher handed it back the very next day and said I couldn't make it up since I could technically get all of the answers from another student's test. So I burst into tears and she let me make up the test and brought me a can of 7-up (the uncola) to drink whilst doing it. I got my first B second semester senior year. All because of nincompoop Ryan. I will never forgive you for that B in Physics RYAN.
But moving on.
All of the advanced placement classes and the early classes and the staying after school for Science Olympiad and Scholastic Bowl and then going home and doing homework for five hours eventually took its toll. I was exhausted, a virtual zombie. My mom tried to get me to stay home from school for a day or two and get some sleep but I refused. Why would I rather sleep than go to school? Please MOM. It's like you didn't even know me.
I wandered bleary-eyed through my days. Answering questions and taking pop quizzes by rote.
Then one day my weary body completely betrayed me.
It was just before lunch in Spanish class. I chose a seat at the back of class because I was already fighting to keep my eyes from slipping shut and I didn't want to suffer the close scrutiny of my teacher.
I tried my very hardest to stay awake. I pinched my arms and bit the insides of my cheeks. But it was all to no avail. I couldn't even hold my head up and so I rested my chin on my hand, elbow on the desk. I must have drifted off.
I awoke to a shockingly loud noise. It was the sound of my head slipping off my hand and smashing into the top of my metal desk.
I was in the back of the class so the only students that had actually seen what had happened were the ones sitting to either side of me. But everyone else of course had turned to see what had created the booming noise that was still echoing about the classroom.
"Oh umm sorry," I squeaked. "I uh dropped my book on my desk."
"No you didn't," says traitorous classmate and no-longer-friend number one.
"Yeah we saw, you totally just slammed your head into your desk," intoned the goober that forever will hold the top spot on my "People To Snap With Rubber Band" list. (Or at least until my 10 year reunion.)
"That is ridiculous," I started to say, but was interrupted.
By my nose. Because it had started to bleed.
It was like an upside-down-blood-volcano had erupted. It was horrifying.
"It's in my mouth!" I sputtered.
Then I ran out of the classroom to the bathroom to deal with my bloodied nose and my bruised ego and also my, it turns out, bruised forehead.
I heard so much laughing as I exited. It was extremely inappropriate. It was like no one was concerned for my well-being. They're all lucky I survived.
I considered not going back to class but in my rapid flight from the room I had unfortunately neglected to grab my lunch that I now remembered contained a Little Debbie StarCrunch.
So I tried to slink back in. With absolutely no luck.
And that, Blogstalkers is the story of the only standing ovation I have ever gotten in my life.
(And I played Annie in a production of Annie and dyed my hair red and sang my butt off. That audience was a bunch of jerks obviously.)
People To Snap With Rubber Band
The Humongous TattleTale from the Junior Year of High School Desk Incident
The college professor that asked me "Are you for real?"
Whoever took the last carton of eggnog in the grocery store out of my cart while I was sampling deli meats on December 21st 2009.
Jessica Biel for obvious reasons.
My current boss for asking me yesterday in front of the whole Board if my shoes were on the wrong feet. (In his defense they were. In my defense they are flats that normally hurt my feet so I just thought that was the reason for all of the foot pain I was experiencing.)
My old boss who told me they were giving pudding away for free in the cafeteria when they totally WERE NOT. (It seems she had made a bet with another coworker about how long I would wait before going to the cafeteria after she told me that.)
Stephenie Meyer and whoever wrote Fifty Shades of Grey. Self-explanatory.
The girl at the cupcake store for just standing there and letting me eat a mini cupcake that I thought was a free sample but turns out was a dog treat.
The lady at the optometrist's office who said "Oh! Your ears are all uneven. The left one is like an inch higher than the right!" (Which I already knew from, you know, seeing myself in the mirror every single day of my life. But thanks for pointing it out. And it's like 3/5 of an inch max.)
The little boy that laughed at me at the aquarium last year when I got told to stop petting the glass at the penguin exhibit.
There are so many more...
So that's all for today Blogstalkers! Do you have any tales of high school woe? Who would you include on your People To Snap With Rubber Band list?
Posted On 5/15/2012