You Win Some You Lose Some To Your Atrocious Husband Who Ruins Every Single Holiday

Hey blogstalkers! (I'm baaaack.)

Thank you all for your lovely comments and messages and emails.  I'm going to actually work on answering some of them in the very near future.

I'm starting to feel a little bit better.  I definitely still have my rough spots (commercials with babies in them continue to make me alternately throw things at Ryan and cry) but I haven't hyperventilated under my desk at work for like three days now.  So, improvement.

I hope everyone had a very lovely Easter/Passover/Normal Weekend.

Mine was going well.

Until Ryan ruined it.  (He tries to ruin ALL the holidays, as evidenced HERE, HERE and HERE.)

First, he told me that I couldn't wear my bunny ears into his aunt's house for dinner.  And then he said "while you're at it maybe try to do something about your regular ears as well."

Second, he ate SO MUCH HAM and then wouldn't stop rubbing his stomach and groaning and complaining about how he ate too much ham.

But I could have dealt with those two things.  Especially since my mom and dad made me an Easter basket that contained, among other things, a magic wand, a small wind-up dinosaur for my collection at work, and Disney Princess chapstick.

Until THIS happened.

Upon arriving home from all of our Easter visits, Ryan informed me that since felt so bad about trying to ruin Christmas, he had devised a special Easter surprise for me.  Because "I know how much you love holidays."

L: Not ALL holidays.

R: Right, of course I meant all holidays except for the Fourth of July.  Which you don't like because your dad used to light really loud fireworks in the field by your house randomly in the week leading up to the Fourth of July.

L: They were more like atomic bombs than fireworks.  And you never knew when he was going to do it.  I was ALWAYS on edge.

R: I have heard this story one million times.

L: And one time he lit those little red popping firecrackers in his car while he was driving and then threw it out the window at my car, which was driving directly behind him.
My sister and I argue about which was scarier: The firecracker incident, or the the time the bird flew in her car and its wing touched her face.

R: And we can't forget the year you were at your grandparent's lake house for the fourth and were wearing your bathing suit and got a fish hook stuck in your butt cheek.

L: What the hell!? 

R:  Yeah your mom told me about that one.  But moving on, I have made you an egg hunt.

L: Really?  That doesn't seem like something you would do.

R: Yes really, I did it while you were in the shower this morning.  There are twelve plastic eggs.  And they all have prizes in them.

L: **squeaking and flailing about**

R: Once you stop THAT you can start looking.  But you can't open any of the eggs until you've found them all and some are really well hidden.

L: Oh please you're terrible at hiding things.  There's probably one in your toiletry kit because you still think that's the best place to hide things from me.

R: Will you just look.  I don't know why everything with you has to be such a production.

L: I'm an actress Ryan, my life is a production.

R: You played 'The Mayor Of The Munchkin City' in The Wizard of Oz when you were like ten, that does not make you an actress.  If you don't start hunting right now, you can not have any of the prizes.

**Looks for eggs**

**Finds eleven eggs in fifteen minutes because Ryan is terrible at hiding things** 

**Finds last egg in Ryan's toiletry kit** 

**Spreads all eggs out on coffee table**

**Opens first one egg and then all of the other eggs (saving purple egg for last because she is sure that is where Ryan would put a ruby if there was one included in this egg hunt) to find...**

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Divots from the grass outside our building that has just been aerated.

Pieces of DIRT.

Seriously?



R: **Giggling like stupid monkey** I got the idea while walking the dogs.

L: Are you KIDDING ME Ryan?  This is despicable.  Don't say this is genius because this is rotten and horrible and awful and mean-spirited and

R: Genius.  For consolation purposes I will watch Game of Thrones with you tonight.

L: Fine but I am fast-forwarding the naked parts.  You are going to get no pleasure out of this viewing.

R: No deal.

So yeah, THAT was my Easter.  Ugh.

Except that's not everything...because later I had to forgive my despicable husband...because he bought me the purse that I've been coveting.  The one about which I sent both an email and a tweet to Marc Jacobs, asking him to send it to me for free.


I told him to be America's Next Top Model.  He would NEVER win obviously.

AND, there was one purple plastic egg inside.

Which I opened to find...

An aerating divot.

Lots of love blogstalkers!!  From me and my holiday-almost-ruining husband.

I told him to make an Elf Face.  This is what he did.



76 comments:

  1. Ryan is kind of my hero. I wish I could think of something that amazing. But it's unlikely because my husband isn't easily excitable; it's just me. Post a link to the purse! I can't be properly jealous of it if I don't know what I'm jealous of. (And so glad you're feeling better!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh....very jealous of the purse!

      Delete
    2. Whenever a reader says Ryan is their hero (happens more than I would think) I do not tell Ryan that they said that. Because I do not want to encourage these kinds of shenanigans.

      And thanks!! LOVE the purse.

      Delete
    3. Oh, no! Don't tell him. I wouldn't want to encourage him either. I just wish I could do something that amazing to my husband. I certainly don't wish such things upon you.

      Delete
    4. Oh haha, I was totally joking. The shenanigans don't much bother me. And if he didn't act like such a rascal, then what on earth would I blog about?

      And now I did just tell him you said that and all he said was "good." And then started singing the Lady Gaga song 'Alejandro' for some reason.

      Like no joke that's what happened.

      Delete
    5. Ha ha ha! Picturing this made me laugh out loud. I am the queen of random songs at inappropriate times. My husband is always asking me why that song at that moment. I can't ever explain it. It's a gift.

      Delete
    6. Haha. I used to drive Ryan bonkers when we were engaged because I'd sing like "Going to the Chapel" and such ALL THE TIME.

      Delete
  2. OMG how do you not kill him? YES it is hilarious if you are not married to him but again, you might have to kill him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh there are times I've come close. But whenever my Ryan-fueled rage is reaching too high a level I just turn to my husband and say "Say something nice." And then without fail he says "You're pretty." And everything calms down a bit.

      Delete
    2. See See!!! THAT is the correct response. My husband, when asked to "say something nice" says "something nice" .... he thinks he's hilarious I think he should just take it on the road.

      Delete
    3. Haha...take it on the road.

      I'm going to say that to Ryan the next time he thinks he's said something hilarious that is actually just rude.

      Delete
  3. You got a fancy present for Easter? I didn't even get a piece of mud. Simon didn't even get me an Easter egg and I bought him TWO. Simon is SO fired. Simon, you hear me? FIRED.

    At first I thought he had put poo in your eggs because my eyes saw the picture before the description. What? I am right brained.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YEAH Simon.

      And Easter presents are not the norm around here, I did not in fact get Ryan anything and I ate ALL of the candy that my parents got for both of us, so the purse was just a really nice surprise.

      And OMG if he had put THAT in the eggs I would have had to fling myself from our balcony.

      Delete
  4. a) Swwwoooooon at the purse
    b) Perfect pictures; Ryan knows how to model a purse
    c) My husband and I have renamed Game of Thrones to Game of Boobies since there are FAR MORE boobies than thrones. Oh and I am totally stealing the "fast-forwarding thru naughty bits as punishment" idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A) Thanks! I've been drooling over it and sending Ryan pictures of it for AGES. It's crazy to actually get to hold it in my hands.
      B) Oh yeah Ryan can def model a purse. Now I just wish he'd 'model' a shirt while sitting on the couch a bit more often.
      C) Right!? There are like hundreds of boobies. When Ryan need to get up to grab water or go to the bathroom in the middle of the show, he ALWAYS tries to pause on a naked scene just to make me angry.

      Delete
  5. Jessica4/09/2012

    I gotta say that the purse was worth all the aerating divots (and it even looks good on Ryan's arm), even though they are disgusting and look like goose poop. (Sorry, that's gross.) The purse is gorgeous!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, it was definitely worth it. I was all horrified and scowly for a little while, but then he pulled out the purse and BAM, totally over it. Even goose poop may have been worth it in the end.

      Delete
    2. Jessica4/10/2012

      Agreed; that purse is worth goose poop. :) So glad you are feeling better. Hope every day improves for you and for Ryan - it's been a really long and horrible stretch for you guys.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Jessica. Just taking things day by day.

      Delete
  6. Oh RYAN!

    (I'm glad you're feeling a bit better xx)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously RYAN.

      And thanks.

      Delete
  7. That is SO NOT an elf face, RYAN. And thanks for ruining another one of Lauren's holidays (that was sarcasm, RYAN) but good save with the purse. You get a D+ instead of the F I was going to give you.

    PS to Lauren -- soooooo glad things are looking brighter! Except for Easter, of course....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I was like "That does NOT look like a face an elf would make." And he was like "You show me then." So I did, so I have like ten random pictures of me wearing a pink and purple elf hat, making elf faces. I should post one I suppose.

      And yes, things are starting to look up a bit.

      Delete
  8. I got lots of great stuff for Easter because it was also my birthday :) I'm so glade you're doing better <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! Happy Birthday!

      Or as my dad says "Birthday to Happy You"

      Or as my sister says "Happy Birthaler" (Her last name ends in a 'thaler' so whenever she gets to the 'th' in birthday, she adds the 'aler' out of habit.)

      Delete
  9. So glad you're feeling a little better. I was thinking earlier today that I needed to log on and send you a "hope you're doing okay" note. I'm glad to be able to post a normalish comment, instead! And yay for Easter turning out okay, even if Ryan did do his best to try to mess it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Carrie!

      I'm feeling a bit better. Still some shower tears, but now it's just usually because I've gotten soap in my eyes.

      He really does do his best to try to mess things up doesn't he?

      Delete
  10. Happy Easter and enjoy your purse!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Happy Easter right back at ya!

      Delete
  11. The bird in my car was definitely scarier. Definitely

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First, no way, the fireworks were scarier. Totally.

      And second, sorry..for some reason your comment got all spammed initially.

      Delete
  12. It sounds like my husband and your husband would get along famously (my hubby loves ruining holidays too). xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::sigh:: Husbands can so trying sometimes. Am I right?

      Delete
  13. That is the worst egg hunt ever! My husband has never done anything like that but he ruins things in his own special way. By asking me a million times if we are celebrating holidays and exactly what I want and how much he should spend. If I have to answer all that, I'm not exactly feeling the love. Oh well. Love your purse, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish Ryan would ask me how much he should spend, because then I would just say "One thousand dollars." And if he was like "That is too much." I would just be like "But that's how much I spent on you." And then he would feel bad and spend one thousand dollars on me and really I would have just gotten him a sweater or something.

      And thanks! Love my purse too.

      Delete
    2. I have tried that. He just counters with that is ridiculous. I am on a campaign to get my $52 wedding band updated to a nice diamond encrusted number to go with the lovely diamond in my engagement ring. I have replaced his band twice - first one lost down the drain and second just beat up and looking terrible because I went too cheap on the first replacement. Long story short is that every time he asks what I want, I say a new diamond encrusted wedding band. Is that too much to ask? It would be a lovely way to celebrate my birthday, Flag Day, or Candadian Thanksgiving. I am still waiting.

      Delete
    3. Oh you totally deserve a diamond encrusted wedding band. Definitely. All wives should have SOMETHING encrusted with gemstones of some kind. I'm pretty sure Greek Orthodox Easter is this weekend, I think that would be a PERFECT occaison for a new ring.

      Delete
    4. Sadly, I read this reply after Greek Orthodox Easter. But, as diamonds come from the earth, it would make a lovely Earth Day gift, no?

      Delete
    5. They would! They would!

      Delete
  14. Good thing he didn't mix up a divot for a piece of dog poop!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Assuming this is Vanessa my bff, you WOULD say something about poop. It seems sometimes that the only stories that ever come out of your mouth are about poop.

      Delete
  15. First, I am really glad you are feeling better. But shame on Ryan for his anti-bunny attitude. Not letting you wear your ears at Easter dinner? What the hell is wrong with that man? Is he just against all holiday fun and excitement of all kinds? Good think he made up for it with that bag, because putting those divets in eggs and making you hunt for them is just mean. I think he's gonna need a talkin' to if this attitude continues.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The worst thing was that he wouldn't put on the ears I got him and take an Easter picture with me for our Easter cards next year. Because APPARENTLY there are no such thing as Easter cards.

      Delete
  16. Sarah H4/09/2012

    Okay, I still haven't gotten past the bird thing. It was in her car? And it touched her? HORRIFYING!!!!!!! <shudder

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah it actually flew in one window as she was driving. Did the wing/face thing and then flew out the other window.

      She remains traumatized to this day.

      Delete
  17. I am surprised you have to 'get' him to watch GOT with you, what is up with that? My husband is the one who got me hooked on the books long before the show (although I am only 250 pages into Dance with Dragons because I have mental block against getting caught up to the end of a series - you cannot own me GRRM!!).

    Lucky purse surprise!! My husband has insisted (ie, been too lazy) on not buying me presents for 3 out of the last 4 birthday/christmases, but I think I have sufficiently shamed him so that he will stop now. Also he didn't get me anything for Easter, but I had to get the kids easter baskets and ensure I had candy for him! Sigh... but he does watch GOT with me, and MadMen and forced me to watch Breaking Bad...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ryan doesn't read near as much as I do and then pretty much never fantasy/science fiction stuff. He read the first book and didn't like it because he is dumb.

      And when I finished Dance with Dragons I cried because I was done and then threw the book across the room because I was angry with GRRM for some of the things he did throughout the series (Red Wedding much?)

      And we don't normally do Easter presents, I just think Ryan thought I needed a present in general since my brain has been attacking my body and making me crazy lately.

      I'm LOVING Mad Men this season so far!

      Delete
    2. ooooo, Red Wedding was worse that Ned's death for me (though both caused me to cry)... and I was so happy it was the OTHER character that's getting married around that same time. I'll get done with Dance eventually, probably after this season when I am dying for some Westeros.

      I would generalize all men as not being readers, but my brother is a huge reader too, so I think it's just in how you are raised... maybe? Oooo, or it's because Ryan was a jock, that's it!

      Mad Men is always awesome!

      Delete
    3. Oh yes, I cried about the Red Wedding. And then smacked the book on the coffee table like five times.

      And I have no idea what's going on with Ryan. Yesterday I caught him playing some sword-fighting game on his iPad and was like "You enjoy THIS but think Game of Thrones is lame?"

      Delete
  18. Ryan gets two thumbs up for ingenious plotting, creativity and mischief. Of course I'm shocked that it was at your expense. Shocked, I tell you. Shocked.


    (Good one Ryan.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you weren't sending me a shirt in the mail then I would probably be all sorts of angry with you right now.

      I will not read this comment to Ryan. He has a big enough head as it is.

      Delete
  19. Oh Ryan.
    This totally sounds like something my dad(whose name happens to be Ryan. Coincidence? I think not. Evilness must run in the...name.) would do to me. Probably not to my mom because he actually wants to live. But definitely to me or one of my brothers.
    Those Ryans.
    I would have just thrown them at him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, dumb Ryans.

      I can't wait to have kids so then Ryan will have someone besides me to torment all of the time.

      I thought about throwing them but then figured I'd be the one that had to clean up the mess it made, so I held myself back. There was some throwing of the plastic eggs though.

      Delete
  20. Ew. You're nice than me at least, after the 3rd one I probably would have started hurling the eggs (and divots) at his face. At least you got a purse out of it!! That was sweet =).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just kept holding out hope that there was something decent in at least ONE egg.

      But of course not.

      You'd think I'd figure out his evil plans more quickly by now.

      Delete
  21. hey girl, glad you're back ! we've all got our ups and downs, i'm glad you're somewhere in the middle now. keep going up up up !

    HAHAHA oh ryan. i REALLY don't know what i would have done with the eggs. D'oh.

    Now, dont you enjoy the marc jacobs more than the ruby? gosh, you can wear it every day! [and that was totally sweet by the way.]

    cute bag :D show us a better picture of it! [aka. on YOUR shoulder] :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm working on the up up up. Today actually was a down day, which sucked. But I'm feeling better now (probably because I'm home from work and have taken my scary drugs.)

      And yes the purse is marvelous (Marc Jacobs Paradise Rio if you wanted to google a better picture, the pink color)I'm absolutely in love with it! I held it on my lap all night. I told Ryan I wanted to "live in the purse" because I loved it so much.

      Delete
    2. oh god the purse is gorgeous HAHAHAH. at least he redeemed himself >=]

      But, keep working on the up :) dont settle for "ok"

      Yuhknow what, you win some and you lose some. eventually you may be able to get OFF the scary drugs. [if not, being able to take a break from it is good too!] I'm currently allowed to take a break from mine. I'll let you know how it goes. :(

      Delete
    3. I actually took anxiety/depression drugs for almost ten years before tapering myself off of them last winter. Of course that's exactly when things get crazy.

      I can't wait until I'm well enough to taper again. Can't have babies on these drugs. Ugh.

      Delete
  22. If you have been together since high school you are bound to get repeat stories RYAN! Do you know what helps with that? Moving on to a new phase of life from which to create new stories - such as making babies RYAN! ( looks pointedly in the general direction of Chicago. A pointed look is not a glare or a glower, but a look that gets a point across such as for goodness sake impregnate your wife already -RYAN).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh seriously RYAN. Babies. Now.

      Pointed look in direction of corner of couch on which lounges topless husband.

      Haha, he was just like "what?"

      Delete
  23. DeDe R4/11/2012

    I would have been suspicious at "you have to wait and open them all at once" boooger.
    maybe this will cheer you up?? :)
    http://collegecandy.com/2012/04/11/justin-timberlake-has-changed-over-the-years-photos/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, what a booger that Ryan is.

      And THANKS!! Have new screen saver. Husband is...let's just say...displeased.

      Delete
  24. at the risk of sounding like an actual stalker -we should probably be best friends.

    in that i've dated lincoln for twelve years and he has yet to propose.

    -shannon

    www.mehspace.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you live in Chicago? If yes then fine we can be best friends. I will just have to give my current best friend like two weeks notice. If no then it probably won't work. I'm TERRIBLE at long distance relationships. Too much work.

      Also, just checked out your blog. Funny stuff!

      Delete
    2. ALAS - i do not. i like outside milwaukee. in a place called okauchee (it's seriously a real place).

      although lincoln went to college in IL. little place called elgin. so i'm sightly familiar with the state.

      Delete
    3. I know where Elgin is. I've been there a time or two.

      I don't even know how to pronounce your city..I just tried for like two minutes.

      We come to Milwaukee every summer for Summer Fest though, so maybe I'll see you around sometime!

      Delete
  25. I am going to have to side with Bladwin Ryan on this one that was actually really funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's comments like these that make me super glad that Ryan doesn't read any of the comments (at least that's what he tells me.)

      He's quite proud of himself enough without everyone on the internet praising his antics.

      Haha.

      Delete
  26. Glad to hear that you're doing at least somewhat better! One of my co-worker's said he was going to get his fiance vegetables and razor blades to which I responded that if I lived with him I might want them too. She started laughing and he missed it. Chunks of mud might be worse. Although, his stuff implies that she was fat and hairy so I'm not even sure there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha that's great!

      Or not great if you're the person being called fat and hairy.

      Delete
  27. Wow. You guys have a very...erm...special relationship. I might punch Boyfriend in the face if he thought grass divots were fun prizes. Yay for you purse, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Ryan gets punched A LOT. Usually when I'm sleeping and having a night terror and think he is a giant locust or something.

      Delete
  28. NO. Just say no. Not showing hubby this post at all. Why? Because he'll want EASTER PRESENTS next and divots will not do. He won't want a fabulous purse either. He'll want at least $300 of books, CDs, and DVDs. He's ruined all the holidays by turning them into occasions to stimulate the economy. Somehow he missed Easter, but there does have to candy and colored eggs for it although this year we skipped the eggs and saved them for birthday (I mean the coloring kit, we didn't keep the eggs from April until July, that would be just barbaric).

    ReplyDelete

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