If you follow me on facebook you already know I'm dealing with some mental things. This is as close as I can get to explaining my life right now. I haven't done a very good job of it.
Some days I wake up feeling alright.
Most days I don't.
Most days I take an unnecessary shower so I can cry without Ryan hearing me. Because he has enough to face without adding a mentally sick wife to the mix.
Most days I find myself retreating to the bathroom at work so I can hide in a stall and wait for my heart to stop beating so fast. I lean against the door and breathe and try to think happy thoughts.
Most days I can not come up with any happy thoughts.
I am battling both anxiety and depression. I have fought this war before and won. But it feels like I can not fight as hard this time. It feels like something is missing. That desperate need and want to not feel so miserable. The ability to understand that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I don't have those things anymore.
I am still fighting though. I am not completely lost. Just wandering.
Anxiety and depression are a toxic, horrifying combination. One pulls you away, presses you down. Presses you down until from your vantage point, nothing looks right. And nothing looks like it will ever be right again. The other squeezes you so fiercely that you become certain that not only will nothing ever be right again, but also that things are going to get much worse. Immediately.
One stretches time so that minutes turn into hours turn into days. The other erases the concept of time completely. Time vanishes. There is no time remaining. The combination makes you dizzy, delirious, uncertain, scared.
I am tired of this bewildered time travel.
I want to exist in the real world again.
Don't worry blogstalkers, I'll find my way. Just wanted to let you know where I am now. Living in my head instead of on the internet.
Just keep swimming.
UPDATE: Bob The Water Cat, whose blog I love, has dedicated a post to me. And made me a shirt. And Oh-Abigail, who is the craftiest person I "know" has asked for my address to send me a present, from all the way across the ocean. And Susan has posted a picture of the biggest tentacles I have EVER SEEN to my Facebook page.
In the process these lovely people have made my day a bit less miserable and neverending. This is why I love my blogstalkers.
So Much Love,