Thoughts on Anxiety and Depression

Hey blogstalkers.  First I want to apologize for not answering any of the facebook messages/comments or blog comments or emails or tweets you've all been sending my way.  I had to retreat for a while.  This isn't a funny post so if you're new here feel free to just skip on ahead.

If you follow me on facebook you already know I'm dealing with some mental things.  This is as close as I can get to explaining my life right now.  I haven't done a very good job of it.

Some days I wake up feeling alright.

Most days I don't.

Most days I take an unnecessary shower so I can cry without Ryan hearing me.  Because he has enough to face without adding a mentally sick wife to the mix.

Most days I find myself retreating to the bathroom at work so I can hide in a stall and wait for my heart to stop beating so fast.  I lean against the door and breathe and try to think happy thoughts. 

Most days I can not come up with any happy thoughts.

I am battling both anxiety and depression.  I have fought this war before and won.  But it feels like I can not fight as hard this time.  It feels like something is missing.  That desperate need and want to not feel so miserable.  The ability to understand that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I don't have those things anymore. 

I am still fighting though.  I am not completely lost.  Just wandering. 

Anxiety and depression are a toxic, horrifying combination.  One pulls you away, presses you down. Presses you down until from your vantage point, nothing looks right.  And nothing looks like it will ever be right again.  The other squeezes you so fiercely that you become certain that not only will nothing ever be right again, but also that things are going to get much worse.  Immediately.

One stretches time so that minutes turn into hours turn into days.  The other erases the concept of time completely.  Time vanishes.  There is no time remaining.  The combination makes you dizzy, delirious, uncertain, scared.

I am tired of this bewildered time travel.

I want to exist in the real world again.

Don't worry blogstalkers, I'll find my way.  Just wanted to let you know where I am now.  Living in my head instead of on the internet.

Just keep swimming.

UPDATE: Bob The Water Cat, whose blog I love, has dedicated a post to me.  And made me a shirt.  And Oh-Abigail, who is the craftiest person I "know" has asked for my address to send me a present, from all the way across the ocean. And Susan has posted a picture of the biggest tentacles I have EVER SEEN to my Facebook page.
In the process these lovely people have made my day a bit less miserable and neverending.  This is why I love my blogstalkers.

So Much Love,


121 comments:

  1. Ah Lauren, I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. If I could take away all the anxiety and depression, I would, in an instant. :( I hope you know that it's your mind playing tricks on you, you'll get through this x

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    1. I know it. I've been here before. I'll somehow smash through this mess. Thanks for the lovely words.

      Delete
  2. I know how anxiety feels, and I wish there was something to say you help you through it. Just know you have people who love you, both in real life and on the internet. I'll be thinking of you :)

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    1. Thanks Nikki. I'm slowly getting better (am on drugs.)

      Delete
  3. Anonymous4/04/2012

    My doctor recently told me something along the lines of, "you're SO young. Everyone goes through things in their twenties. I promise you it gets better." if nothing else, just keep breathing. The rest will follow.

    Melissa

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    Replies
    1. I tell myself "Just Keep Swimming" all the time.

      Delete
  4. I hear you, and I understand. I battle this everyday of my life. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't, and I end up hiding in the bathroom at work. I wish I had a magic wand that would help us, that would make things super easy and simple, but I don't.

    I do however have a friendly ear, and a soft shoulder. I've been there, I live there too, and you know how to get a hold of me if you need me to listen.

    <3

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    1. Thanks so much.

      A magic wand would make everything better. Cheese wouldn't have calories and depression wouldn't exist.

      <3

      Delete
  5. I don't have any advice, but if I could fix this I would. Even if it required touching a tentacle.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Have you seen the tentacle picture a blogstalker posted on my FB wall? HUGE.

      Delete
    2. I saw! I totally want to find out where those are so I can *make dinner for you*, um I mean *touch them, throw them over my shoulder, and try it on as a hat*, uh I mean *take them home and call them George*, I mean avoid it like the plague because you know, what IS that!?

      And stupid Blogger won't let me use the < strike > tags, so just envision everything up there that is surrounded by *s to have lines going through them instead.

      Because I totally wouldn't do that. Not me. Never.

      Delete
    3. I am so suspicious of you right now. So very suspicious.

      Delete
    4. Of ME?! What'd I DO?

      I am totally, um, mostly, um.. well kinda harmless. Really.

      More fun than a barrel of monkeys though, reportedly. I mean, I once skipped up the middle of a street in downtown Atlanta at 2am with several *drunken* totally sober friends in a downpour singing "We're off to see the Wizard".

      Would a person worthy of suspicion do that? I think not.

      *strikethrough clause from above applies here too.

      Delete
    5. True story I played The Mayor Of The Munchkin City in an epic reproduction of The Wizard of Oz when I was little.

      I still remember all of my lines.

      Delete
    6. Awesome. I was Smurfette in the 6-year old clumsy skaters edition of Ice Capades.

      I refused to take the makeup off and was a cute blue thing at lunch, and dinner, and in my own reproduction of Smurfette Refuses To Go To Bed that night.

      Delete
    7. "Smurfette Refuses To Go To Bed"

      Thanks for that. Needed a laugh.

      Delete
  6. As you know I have fought and still fight the same battle. Don't be like me and push everyone away (which I'm sure you wont). I'll be here for you whether you want me or not. I love you and be strong.

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    1. Thanks Kim. (And thanks for the picture of the penguin meeting Ryan Gosling.)

      Delete
  7. Annie G.4/04/2012

    Lauren you need to start listening to some Jonathon Coulton. Specifically, I Feel Fantastic. Then, Sucker Punch. Followed by Big Dick Farts a Polka.

    Space Doggity will make you cry so you might want to stay away from that one.

    http://www.jonathancoulton.com/store/downloads/

    DRUGS ARE GOOD!!!! Love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Looking into it now!

      And yes, drugs are good.

      Delete
  8. Annie G.4/04/2012

    p.s. don't download the songs....just play.

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  9. I suffered from anxiety for a long time and one book helped me, once you have a moment to think you can check it out on amazon... but it's amazingly calming. For some reason it helped more than even therapy (which didn't seem to help at all because I just ended up crying a lot). It's called 'Hope and Help for Your Nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes, it was written in the 70s and it has old terminology, but it's still very helpful. The best one I've read...
    http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Help-Your-Nerves-Signet/dp/0451167228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333582245&sr=8-1

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    1. Love that book! That and my old cassette tape that works on relaxing my body. My therapist told me "an anxious mind cannot exist in a relaxed body." Try relaxation techniques. (My anxiety makes it so I cannot sit still or sleep) That and the fact you never really lost the ground you've gained, meaning anxiety and depression suck, but each time you get over it, you are that much stronger for the next time!
      Best wishes for a speedy recovery! You.Can.Do.It!

      Delete
    2. I'm looking into this book now. I've never actually read any books on the whole anxiety/depression thing. But I'm definitely willing to give it a try.

      And Shellie - my doctor gave me a whole packet of relaxation techniques that I've been employing (or trying to employ.) So I'm right there with you on that.

      Delete
  10. Shannon4/04/2012

    Just remember - depression is a lying bastard.

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  11. I am fighting the same battle...it comes and goes and as a previous commenter said, drugs are good. Don't be afraid to try different ones with the help do your doc. It took several years for me to find the right combo, but life is joyful again. Feel free to email me (I assume you can see my email in the top secret area of comments) if you need encouragement or to vent. Even tho we have never met I think it helps to know other people have been there too and come put ok on the other side. Keep fighting!

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    1. Oh I won't stop fighting. I'll get through this.

      As for drugs, I know what works for me, because it worked for ten years. Before I tapered myself off of the drugs. Before all of the crazy in my life ocurred. I just need them all to kick in again.

      Delete
  12. be strong. you will get through this.

    best,
    MOV

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  13. God, Lauren, I've been going through the same thing for weeks. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, and I'll be praying for you. Hope the meds help, and that things improve greatly very soon....

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    1. Ack Jo, I am so sorry to hear that. Anxiety and Depression are tough beasts to conquer. Hope you're doing better, sincerely.

      Delete
  14. "Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe."

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    1. This comment just made me start singing "Every little thing...is gonna be alright."

      Might be my new panic attack mantra.

      Delete
  15. Lauren, thank you so much for sharing where you are right now; I know how difficult it can be to articulate it, and you've done a beautiful job of doing so (if only that would take it away!) You sound incredibly strong to keep fighting this, and I totally admire that strength, because I have definitely had days when it felt exhausting to still be caught in the middle. But you're right, you absolutely CAN beat this, and feel better. I know you love to read, and while I don't know much ab your reading preferences beyond that, here are some books I've found helpful to digest when I've felt totally wiped out: Broken Open - Elizabeth Lesser; To the Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf; By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept - Paulo Coehlo; Peace is Every Step - Thich Naht Hanh; & the Harry Potter series (I think these make me feel the most better).

    Will be thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you Brittany. I love this comment.

      I've read (and loved) To The Lighthouse and another book by Paulo Coehlo (he wrote The Alchemist right?) But I'll check out the rest of the ones you suggest. I reread all of the Harry Potter books last year, so it's a bit soon for that. I'm currently on the third book of The Hunger Games for the second time. It seems like that wouldn't help, but oddly it does.

      Delete
    2. Paulo Coehlo did write The Alchemist! I haven't started the Hunger Games yet (in the stack) but I do know when things get bad, being able to think "at least I don't live in a dystopian society where I have to fight to the death for food" is an incredibly cheering thought :)

      Delete
    3. Read The Hunger Games! Such a quick and easy read. I read all three in like two days on my honeymoon. Poor Ryan was so neglected.

      Delete
  16. Annie G.4/04/2012

    And....Always the Moon.

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  17. Annie G.4/04/2012

    Je Suis Rick Springfield.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As in Jesse's Girl Rick Springfield?

      Delete
  18. Jessica Stringer4/04/2012

    My Dear Sweet Cheese Loving Lauren,

    Just keep swimming
    because you are funny
    because you are REAL
    because who is going to keep cheese population in control
    because you still have monkeys to catch
    because you rooted for the Cardinals in the World Series last year (I was so glad to hear that because when I first read your blog I was loving it. Then, when I saw the "Cards stink" sign, I was devestated. I'm so glad we worked that out! Woot Woot!)
    because you have family and friends that LOVE the shit out of you (even if some of us aren't real life friends)
    because YOU ARE WORTH IT

    Come back when you are ready, we will look forward to better days for you.

    Praying for you and hoping you are feeling better soon! Wish there was a way we could help you. Sending love and good thoughts for you!

    Keep swimming!

    Jessica

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    Replies
    1. Jessica, I LOVE this comment. I read it to my husband.

      I'll get through this. I still have monkeys to catch. I'm just going to keep telling myself that.

      Lauren, stop crying, you still have monkeys to catch.

      Delete
  19. Oh, Sweetie. I wish I could give you some help, but all I've got is internet {{{hugs}}}. You've had a really rough past few months. Give yourself some space - in my mind, you've already made it through most of the rough stuff, so you should be feeling spring and warmth and rebirth. It's coming.

    {{{Hugs}}} again, Lauren. I hope you feel better.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Internet hugs are just as good as real hugs. And today I saw all of the tulips blooming in Chicago and felt better. Spring is good.

      Delete
  20. From someone who has recently overcome 3 yeras of PPD... Hang in there Lauren. It is okay to be upset. I am glad that you are taking meds, and make sure to ask yourself if your doctor/ therapist is helping you do what is right for you.

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    1. God I'm sorry Laura, 3 years of that must have been extremely difficult. So glad you've come out of it OK.

      And I adore my doctor. She's right there with me fighting this thing. I am so very lucky to have found her.

      Delete
  21. I love you Lauren and am sad to see you sad. Feel free to stop by if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, laugh, scream, or punch your best friend in the face. I hope you feel better soon but take your time taking care of yourself. Us friends and blogstalkers stand by but understand if you need time. Also - I may need to get some drugs myself. I seriously feel like I am one work day away from chest pains again. Hopefully it was just gas. Lol. Hope I made you laugh :-)

    Oh and I TOTALLY forgot... I have two kinds of cheese in my fridge. Not purposely trying to lure you into my apartment, but if it works, I also have some Alpine Spring. Yes - the only two things in my fridge right now are cheese and beer. And of course salsa and mustard and that sort of stuff.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You are the best friend.....that ever happened to me.

      Thanks.

      Delete
  22. This sucks. Totally and completely. I've been there. I want you to know that, even when finding the happy thoughts are impossible, they're out there. They're trying to get in. There's love and good wishes coming at you from Ryan, from family, from friends, from your blogstalkers, and even from random people to whom you have no other connection. And someday, when you get past this (and you WILL), you'll start to find them. Until then, hang on to hope and know that I'm one of many that are pulling for you.

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    1. Thanks Carrie. It's funny to me how this time through, I have my blogstalkers. I've never had that before. And it helps like CRAZY.

      Delete
  23. Anonymous4/04/2012

    When I read this post I thought of this quote randomly. Could be nonsensical or inspirational, you pick. You will triumph..I know it.

    "You handle depression in much the same way you handle a tiger." - R. W. Shepherd

    -Abby

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    1. Haha! How do you handle a tiger? By shooting it with a tranquilizer? I'd love to do that to myself right now :)

      My sister held a baby tiger once. I am still really jealous about it.

      Delete
  24. I so understand and want to read the book your stalkers are recommending. Let one person know that no matter how hard you push, don't leave you to your own devices. Depression lies and anxiety is a douche. Keep seeking your happy place.

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    1. Thanks Amanda. My husband does know what I'm going through, as much as I try to hide it. (He was there afterall when I was hospitalized for anxiety.) And my best friend forces me to go to lunch with her and things. I'm getting help from all of the right places. It'll work soon.

      Delete
  25. Anonymous4/05/2012

    Ick. Sorry you are in a weird space. I've heard that being open about it is a good thing.

    I hope you do beat this thing. I hope you are getting the support and help that you need. (Because OMG if I don't win a giveaway this year I will be sad!)

    xoxo!

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    Replies
    1. Haha! Don't worry, there'll still be a giveaway July 7th (my half birthday) and hopefully by then (and by much before then) everything will be all hunkydory.

      Delete
  26. Anonymous4/05/2012

    I wish I had the words to help but sometimes words are just words. It may not seem like it now but eventually this will become something you made it through. Lean on the people that love you even when it feels like you shouldn't. They won't mind or hold it against you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank You. One of my favorite sayings is "There are no words." Because sometimes, as much as I love words, there aren't any words.

      Delete
  27. Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry, and I know that doesn't really help...but just know that you are NOT alone. I know what you are going through...I know everyone's struggles are different but please be assured that you are DEFINITELY NOT alone. You are a wonderful amazing unique awesome spectacular person...you give so so soooo many people, most of whom you don't know, hope, and strength, and laughter. If you ever doubt your impact on those around you, just look back through your comments. Sweet heart you are loved by so many.
    Including me :) Keep your head up, it always ebbs and flows. You WILL overcome this.
    Love you!
    Jessica Marie

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    Replies
    1. Wow "wonderful amazing unique awesome spectacular"

      If that doesn't make me feel better, then nothing will. Haha.

      Thanks Jessica Marie.

      Delete
  28. Good luck with this battle - I have been there myself. There are no cure all words of wisdom that fit - because everybody is different.

    Just hang on in there, do the best you can and make sure you have someone to talk to.

    Take care,

    Sarah

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  29. hey girl,
    I'm at home writing yet another paper [last day of school tomorrow but still.... :(]

    you are NOT alone. you are never alone. you have us, and please dont think that you should be dealing with this alone. If it ever gets too much, find Ryan. Honestly, he deserves to know. You've battled with it before, and won, I'm sure he wasn't a mere bystander. You guys are married, promised through laughter, through tears.. if this was happening to Ryan, wouldnt you want him to let you know? Don't keep him in the dark, it's unfair.

    And that battle.. I've fought it, others dont understand, but i have. they brush it off as excessive worrying or random quirks that i have. Not many know, I cannot say that I'm as strong as you- i can't open up to others about it.

    So you are not alone. and you are a thousand times better than me, purely because you are open about it.

    PS. a shoulder and a hug really helps. i've fought that battle alone, and i've fought it with my boyfriend beside me. it does make a difference.

    love you loads,
    steph.

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry Steph. Ryan knows. As much as I try to hide it from him, he knows his girlfriend/fiancee/wife of almost 11 years is a panic-stricken depressed mess. He's always known. He helps.

      And I'm not any better than you at all. We're all in this crazy battle together.

      Delete
  30. Elizabeth4/05/2012

    Thanks for sharing with us, it must have been hard to write that. I know you can overcome this and I hope you find a way to see the light.

    xox

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    Replies
    1. It was hard to write, but very helpful as well. Healing, in a way.

      I'll get through this, I promise.

      Delete
  31. Keep going with your meds and hang in there. Time will help.

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    1. Yep just waiting for the drugs and time to do their thing.

      I'll get there eventually, I know I will.

      Delete
  32. You're so brave to share your problems with us-- just know that we are rooting for you! And, as so many people have said, you are not alone!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Meg! (for calling me brave mostly.)

      Delete
  33. DeDe R4/05/2012

    Ditto. :)
    Hang in there girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks DeDe. Your prize should be on its way this weekend.

      Delete
    2. DeDe R4/06/2012

      no worries...when you have time and feel up to it. take care of yourself first.

      Delete
    3. It's coming sooooon I promise!

      Delete
  34. I hope it makes you smile.

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  35. Lauren, you are so brave to share this with the interwebs. I so admire that. I'm sending virtual awkward hugs your way. Do you like Jack's Mannequin? They sing a song called "Swim" that might be just what you need. I listen to it on a loop whenever I have a "I'll-never-finish-my-thesis-and-I'll-have-to-drop-out-of-grad-school-and-find-all-new-friends-because-of-the-shame" days, which is nothing at all compared to what you are going through, but if nothing else maybe you can sing it to yourself in the bathroom at work. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't know Jack's Mannequin (I'm not very cool at knowing good music) but I'll definitely look it up. I need new bathroom songs.

      Thanks for the hugs

      And for making me laugh ("because-of-the-shame")

      Delete
  36. Lauren-

    Ugh...I know exactly how you feel. I had my first anxiety/panic attack my senior year in college (8 years ago now) and have been on and off drugs ever since. It royally sucks and I hope your meds kick in soon. I won't say anything like "this too shall pass" or "you're not alone" because so many other people have said it before me (and I'm sure you have to know this having gone through this once already) but I will say don't be afraid of the sickness. In my experience panic attacks are almost completely mental. Don't think yourself into a corner with no way out because that corner doesn't exist. There are always doors, windows, and most importantly PEOPLE reaching to help you out.
    You are strong and surrounded by good people. It will be okay--promise!!
    Ashley

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    Replies
    1. Ashley, I'm sorry to hear you get panic attacks too. They are almost unbearable. I feel sometimes like I'm trying to breathe under water. Which is why I repeat "Just Keep Swimming" or sing myself a song, just to remind myself that they always end.

      My husband was there the first time this happened (in boyfriend form)and he's standing by me now (he has to because of the vows.) I thank God for him every day of my life.

      Delete
  37. When all else fails, at least we have humour, it is hard to feel depressed when laughing. So hopefully this helps for at least a moment : courtesy of my neighbour's kid after they returned from the vet - " Our dog is walking funny because he is sore! He just had his tentacles taken out!"

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    Replies
    1. Oh that's funny..I ALWAYS accidentally type 'testicles' first when I'm trying to type 'tentacles'

      I must have a very dirty mind.

      Delete
  38. Anonymous4/05/2012

    Hi Lauren--I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago, and it is seriously awesome. I actually sat next to you in Osman's AP Euro class in high school (I don't know why I remember that, but I do). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have been where you are right now, and there are still times when I feel like these waves are washing over me, drowning me, but I still have pretend that everything's alright. It takes more strength most people will ever realize. I have accepted it and know that it will always be a part of me. The trick for me was to control it before it turned me into a zombie. You have to keep moving no matter what. Get a change of scenery...go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...anything to get out of your head. Yoga has helped me immensely. The combination of deep breathing, stretching, and sweating always manages to shut off my brain until I am no longer thinking about anything. These are just random thoughts and I hope they help somewhat. Things always turn out for the best, and I'm rooting for you!
    Irene
    (My condolences to you and Ryan regarding the loss of your mother and father-in-law)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Irene!

      OMG remember 'blue sheets' or whatever those monstrosities were called? I totally always saved all of them for the last night and then stayed up all night finishing them.

      I'm sorry to hear you suffer through all of this as well. It's not something anyone deserves.

      I tried to take up yoga once, but I fell down a lot and got a lot of bruises and Ryan said I couldn't go back, even though I assume over time it would have improved my balance. I even fall off like the elliptical sometimes though, so maybe not, maybe it's irreparable.

      So glad you've stumbled upon my blog and so glad you're liking it so far. (How on earth did you find it by the way? I'm always so curious when people tell me they read it.)

      Thank you for your condolences, they are much appreciated.

      Delete
  39. First....some cheese hilarity (because you, LAUREN, are a cheese ninja!! Well, she IS, RYAN.)

    http://youtu.be/JPvIL0rDFDA
    http://youtu.be/5XTW2m5HwS4
    http://youtu.be/Un6u6y3EuR0
    http://youtu.be/OYGDPbzljvI

    Hopefully they made you smile a little. Now, Lauren, dear heart, it is obvious to me that you are loved....deeply loved....by people who know you and a bunch of us who don't. Except we do, because you let us know you. You allow us into the painful as well as the funny aspects of your life with honesty and guts. No one, except you, truly knows what you're going through. But that doesn't mean you're alone. The important thing is for you to take care of you -- however that looks at any given moment. If that means you leave us for awhile, know that we'll be here when you return. If that means you need to vent to us, know that we will read your words with compassion and kindness, all the while enveloping you with our cyber love and hugs. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry ANYONE goes through this. Yes, drugs ARE good -- yours will kick in soon, I'm sure. I'm so grateful you have the loving support of Ryan and the wise counsel of a caring doctor. You are indeed blessed. I'm grateful you are so well loved by so many, and I see in your comments that it brings you some peace. More blessings. There is good in every situation...try to focus on that when things look dark. If you'd like to add another book to your list, one of my favorites is The Greatest Miracle in the World by Og Mandino. It's a short, easy read, but it has a powerful message.

    Keep swimming and chasing monkeys. Hang on. Or let go. Whatever works. We, your loving blogstalkers, are here....just for you!

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    1. So I'm still at work and will have to wait to watch the cheese videos until I get home. But I'm pretty excited about it.

      Thank you for your comment. I forget most of the time right now that there are good things in my life. My husband, my family, my friends, my blogstalkers. I need to concentrate more on that and not on the bad.

      Thank you for saying I'm loved. I wasn't feeling that way a couple of days ago, but I am overwhelmed with support from every angle after posting this and it's starting to help.

      Delete
  40. Oh wow. Reading this pretty much felt like reading my own life. And here I was thinking I was the only one who had discovered the magic hiding place that is the bathroom!

    I am totally with you - it's been over a year since I had my depression/anxiety relapse, and I am SO. OVER. IT. One useless psychologist later (she was more concerned with the details of my boyfriend's job - he works in the media - than helping me work through my anxiety and giant sadness) and I've figured out that I can only do this myself. It's a slow and frustrating process, but one day I hope to get to calm. Until then, I just keep in mind that panic attacks peak at 10 minutes (you have no idea how much this helps me ride them out!), music and awesome blogs are a perfect distraction, and that sometimes, just sometimes, I need to hug the floor. Cos I'm not giving up when I lie down. The carpet just needs a hug.

    Let the shower wash away the tears, hon - cos tears aren't a sign of weakness, they're the way we get all the sadness out so we can fill up with better things.

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    1. Oh yes, the bathroom and I are GOOD friends. I'm getting better, but I'm still in there hyperventilating away at least once a day.

      I haven't decided aabout the whole 'seeing a professional' thing as of yet. I've been here before and gotten through it before entirely on my own (with Ryan's help.) And now I have like an army of people behind me, so I'm thinking I can do it on my own again.

      Thank you for your comment, it helps to know that other people have been where I am right now, and gotten through it.

      Delete
  41. I also suffer from anxiety and depression so I know how horrible it is. The only advice I can offer is that if you read any self-help books, read ones written by sufferers. I've got 'Overcoming Depression' which is part of a series recommended by the NHS. I haven't had too much time to look through it properly or investigate the one called 'overcoming anxiety' but it's the best I've found because it's so completely compassionate. I have moments when it seems I'll never recover but they pass as do panic attacks. As awful as it feels to depend on him so much I don't know if I'd cope without my boyfriend because he helps me get started on tasks I can't contemplate by myself, among other things. I have to say I absolutely love reading your posts so thank you for inadvertently supporting me in the past!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading in the past!

      I haven't read any self-help books yet, I think I might prefer to escape into a book about something different altogether..like Harry Potter or something. But so many people are recommending them, so I might have to change my mind.

      Delete
    2. It entirely depends on your circumstances. I have chosen to only tell certain very important people about my problems because it's wonderful to have people you can go to for help but also who are just absolutely normal because as far as they're concerned everything's fine. Books are a bit like that, sometimes you need someone to say 'IT'S COOL YOU'RE NORMAL. now go do this' and sometimes you need to pretend you're Hermione Granger!

      Delete
    3. I ALWAYS need to pretend I'm Hermione Granger. It's why my dad put a magic wand in my Easter basket this year.

      Yes I am 28 and still get Easter baskets.

      Looking into these books now.

      Delete
  42. Stumbled upon your blog via blogess and gald I did. I have struggled with both depression and anxiety. I thought you explained the difference between the two very well. I don't know if you are on medication but it can often help. At one time the anxiety/panic attacks were so bad I had to get on a medication that was basically an emergency "break the glass" one time only pill. I liked it b/c I wasn't on it daily just when I felt the anxiety that made me freak out really bad. Of course it can also be addictive if you're not careful so you just have to gage how bad you need it. I can totally relate to feeling that immediate panic. IT sucks!! But if you've ever been through lamaze classes then similar breathing helps. I am going to be praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ryan wont let her go to lamaze classes.......YET.........

      Delete
    2. Oh yes, taking lots of drugs, just waiting for them to kick in. I also have the "break the glass" pills (just for one month) and they are helping get me through the worst of it.

      And yeah...sigh...no lamaze classes yet.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  43. Darling girl: you. are. not. alone.

    Just so you know. Not in the creepy stalkerific way, either---in the "vast swaths of the interwebz, cheering for you and admiring your bravery" kind of way.

    Because depression and anxiety are lying assholes.
    Fact.

    Also, here's a baby goat for you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sERmb3x5P2E&feature=related
    Except, um. Watch it on mute, ok? Because apparently the more crack-addled corner of the internet thinks that "Soldier Boy" is an appropriate baby-animal anthem. Or else imagine a faux fancy-pants lawyer totally getting outted for screwing around on the internet when that jam comes rocking out of her office on a Friday. Yeah. Sorry about that.

    Anonymous and adoring internet hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I've been completely surprised and astounded by the amount of support I've gotten here and via email and Facebook and even twitter. It has helped so very much.

      Also baby goat? Yesssssss.

      Now must watch seven times, on mute, because I am at work and they already think I am weird enough.

      Delete
  44. Lisa in Seattle4/06/2012

    It breaks my heart to learn that some of the funniest women on the Internetz are dealing with anxiety and/or depression: you, Bloggess, Allie, Z-dub. Thank you for letting us know what's up with you and how you're doing. You give so much to us with these tales of your hilarious exploits. If the well-wishes of random strangers help at all, you've got 'em.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lisa. I'm doing a bit better as of late.

      Also, someone for real needs to fill me in on who is Z-dub, because I honestly don't know and it's killing me right now.

      And the well-wishes helped, like more than anyone will ever know.

      Like SO much.

      Delete
  45. Sunshine Award. I know Claire just gave it to you.That's what makes it so special.

    "Here, have another."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay!

      I can now say I am a two-time recipient of the Sunshine Award. Take THAT Angelina Jolie.

      I am going to do something with this soon, although I am just awful at handling awards...

      Delete
  46. Just checking in, Lauren. Wanted to let you know I was thinking about you! And I'm glad Bob gave you another Sunshine Award, cuz you rock!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Claire!

      I promise I'm going to do something with the awards soon, just have to figure out how I want to do it!

      Delete
  47. Just came over...so sorry to hear about this. Sounds like you have loads of friends and great support...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome and thank you.

      I've been overwhelmed with the amount of internet support I've been receiving. Completely and totally overwhelmed.

      Delete
  48. Anonymous4/09/2012

    Sweet Lauren,
    You will get through this. If you ever want to meet for a kick-butt, get the toxins out and really feel yourself yoga at lunch-time class, Kundalini in the Loop has them at 1215 M-F. And no you don't have to wear a turban haha. Kundalini yoga is what pulled me up from the darkness and I swear by it. Nora

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Nora. Actually feeling a little bit better as of like Saturday, so things are looking up.

      I'm TERRIBLE at yoga because I have exquisitely bad balance. Also, I have weird joints that sort of pop in and out of place whenever I try to contort myself.

      But I'm up for it as long as you don't laugh and laugh and laugh at me.

      Delete
  49. Anonymous4/10/2012

    Kundalini Yoga is different. No contortion required and very little balance. And, you do most of the exersizes with your eyes closed once you get the movement so you can experience it from the inside and no one else is looking at you either. And I will laugh with you, not at you! Nora

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So funny story, today I saw my doctor again and she said I need to start doing yoga. So, I suppose I should start doing yoga? The everyone's eyes are closed and not looking at me thing sounds marvelous.

      Delete
  50. I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better. Just know that there are a bunch of us strangers out there reading your blog every day and we're rooting for you and Ryan. You get me laughing out loud every week, but it's OK if you don't always feel "on." Just know we're here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Becky. My blogstalkers totally keep me going!

      Delete
  51. Lisa in Seattle4/12/2012

    Lauren,

    Gah! Something is interfering with my ability to actually reply to you inline above, so here is a link to ZDub's blog, Raising Colorado. It is alternately hilarious and heart-breaking, but mostly hilarious on account of squirrels, gangstas and Hot Asians.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! New blog to read! Happy Dance!

      Delete
  52. Hi I'm a newish reader (definitely fall under the blogstalker nickname). I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't "feeling" well. I've battled anxiety & depression my entire life & it can be so crippling. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lynn. It helps to know that others understand.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  53. Anonymous5/12/2012

    Hello Lauren,

    First of, you look so happy in your pictures and it appears as though you are a glamorous Hollywood star. Somewhat Marilyn Monroe like with your white coat and sleek black shoes. I too am in a dark and wierd place however I do yoga every day and pray to God to help get me out of this dark sadness. I am angry a lot but I cry and hate who I am because I am not being me. Who am I? I am on a quest to figure that out and I smile and love others so so much but come home and cry and hate myself so much.I am in recovery from an eating disorder and I have abused almost everything. I no longer use drugs (not even prescription)I and barely drink. I feel so much everyday and I too want this to pass. I left my job and I go with the universe and ask God to guide most of my days I do yoga and stay in. Other days I am on top of the world and yet I still come home and cry. I am scared and I think about dying and losing my loved ones everyday and that is why I keep going. I do not want to give up yet it is so painful to feel so much everyday. I also feel bigger than so important and I feel as though I have gone through all this for a reason. I want to help the world one day and I want to let go of my pain and suffering. Here is quote by Marilyn Monroe that I though I would share because I have always loved and admired her so much and yet I know nothing about her. ( I just googled this tonight when I saw your picture lol). "This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” Bye Lauren and stay strong, I believe this too will pass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your comment! I've been so busy unpacking the last week or so.

      Thanks for the Marilyn comparison, that's very sweet. I assure you though that my wedding day was probably the only day in my life I've ever been glamorous. Usually I'm in sweatpants.

      I am sorry to hear that you've been struggling with depression. It's a hard fight to fight, you just have to remind yourself that you can and will get through it. The Marilyn quote is just lovely. She was such a troubled person, but so wise at times as well.

      Keep fighting Blogstalker.

      Delete

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