So I knew today was going to be a bad day when I saw a dead bird on the way to work. But I didn't know just how bad it was going to be.
How bad you ask?
Actually, not that bad.
Definitely not as bad as the day that I got my YouTube privileges revoked at work because I accidentally sent SOMEONE IMPORTANT videos of cats doing ridiculous things.
And not even close to as bad as the day my best friend punched me in the face. (Vanessa has submitted to me her rebuttal by the way, complete with additional photos of that fateful May day, so I should be posting it soon - although we all know the word 'soon' doesn't mean too much around these parts.)
What happened was this.
I humiliated myself at work. Is anyone surprised?
Here are the deets (that means details if you're not hip like me and didn't know.)
I know I've mentioned before on this blog, that I have like crazy ridiculously long arms.
Like I can reach things on the tippy top shelf at the grocery store easily.
Like I can dust the top of our kitchen cabinets without clambering onto a chair or the counter. Do I often do this? No. Have I ever done this? Not even one time.
But anyway...the point I'm trying to make is that my long-ass-arms are usually quite helpful and probably would have given me an obscence amount of grace if my mom had ever thought to enroll me in ballet classes as a child. Thanks MOM. I definitely would have been a famous show-stopping dancer by now.
Sidenote: Things Ryan would say if I read that paragraph aloud: "Long-ass-arms? What are Ass Arms LAUREN?" and "Oh you're still a show-stopping dancer alright."
But today, my arms rebelled. Well the right one did anyway. I'm still on good terms with 'ol Lefty.
Let me paint you a picture.
I decided upon arriving to work today to finally get some of my filing done. So I checked my email, filled my water bottle, ate six m&ms, caught up on this blog (which is hilarious, she's not even paying me to say that), emitted a couple of dreamy sighs while thinking about how clean my desk would be after all the filing was done (so much more room for wind-up animal races!), and then started filing.
Our filing cabinets are five drawers tall with the lowest one basically sitting on the ground and the highest one being at about eye level for me.
I just happened to be half-crouched-half-bent-over filing something in the very bottom drawer when I heard someone about to turn the corner behind me.
Mental Dialogue With Myself
"Oh bad, whoever that is, is going to turn the corner and the first thing they are going to see is your butt just sticking all up in the air right in their face. You really need to do something about this."
"Ok....quick, grab those files from the ground and stand up."
"Very goooooooo....What the? What is? NO sweet Mary Jesus in a pony tree NO"
"Shit, act sensible, maybe he did not see you just STEP ON YOUR OWN HAND AND FALL OVER SIDEWAYS DIRECTLY IN HIS PATH"
"I really hope I didn't say the pony tree thing out loud."
Out Loud Dialogue With Work Colleague
L: Oh hello, having a nice morning?
WC: Are you alright?
L: Oh yes, just, you know, some early morning yoga. Gets the work juices flowing.
WC: I don't think that's yoga.
L: Just help me up please. And please don't tell **my boss** about this.
L: And please also don't tell him I used the term 'work juices'.
WC: My lips are sealed.
Ten Minutes Later
Boss: Oh hey Lauren, I've been meaning to ask you, did you have a nice trip?
L: What? I didn't go anywhere, thats THIS weeken....oh crap.
TADA!! That's my embarassing story of the day. Tune in almost any other day of my life for another version of the same story.
Oh also, I got some ridiculous hate mail today and considered posting it here with a reply but decided against it. If you're friends with me on facebook, I posted about it a little bit there. If you're not friends with me on facebook, why the eff not? Am I not good enough to be your friend? Click that button at the top of my sidebar immediately!! (Or don't, that's fine too, I'll still love the crap out of you for reading.)
See Ya Later
Oh and quick favor, I need to submit a couple of my "funniest" blog posts for something that is currently a secret (no I'm not writing a book, I can barely write a blog) so if you have a favorite post can you leave a
quick comment and tell me which one it is?