I Got Hate Mail Today! I Have Made It As A Blogger! Ryan Don't Read The Next Sentence. Am Quitting Job To Stay Home And Blog!

Hey Blogstalkers!

So I knew today was going to be a bad day when I saw a dead bird on the way to work.  But I didn't know just how bad it was going to be.

How bad you ask?

Actually, not that bad.

Definitely not as bad as the day that I got my YouTube privileges revoked at work because I accidentally sent SOMEONE IMPORTANT videos of cats doing ridiculous things.

And not even close to as bad as the day my best friend punched me in the face.  (Vanessa has submitted to me her rebuttal by the way, complete with additional photos of that fateful May day, so I should be posting it soon - although we all know the word 'soon' doesn't mean too much around these parts.)

What happened was this.

I humiliated myself at work.  Is anyone surprised?

Here are the deets (that means details if you're not hip like me and didn't know.)

I know I've mentioned before on this blog, that I have like crazy ridiculously long arms. 

Like I can reach things on the tippy top shelf at the grocery store easily. 

Like I can dust the top of our kitchen cabinets without clambering onto a chair or the counter.  Do I often do this?  No.  Have I ever done this?  Not even one time. 

But anyway...the point I'm trying to make is that my long-ass-arms are usually quite helpful and probably would have given me an obscence amount of grace if my mom had ever thought to enroll me in ballet classes as a child.  Thanks MOM.  I definitely would have been a famous show-stopping dancer by now.

Sidenote: Things Ryan would say if I read that paragraph aloud: "Long-ass-arms? What are Ass Arms LAUREN?"  and "Oh you're still a show-stopping dancer alright."

But today, my arms rebelled.  Well the right one did anyway.  I'm still on good terms with 'ol Lefty.

Let me paint you a picture.

I decided upon arriving to work today to finally get some of my filing done.  So I checked my email, filled my water bottle, ate six m&ms, caught up on this blog (which is hilarious, she's not even paying me to say that), emitted a couple of dreamy sighs while thinking about how clean my desk would be after all the filing was done (so much more room for wind-up animal races!), and then started filing.

Our filing cabinets are five drawers tall with the lowest one basically sitting on the ground and the highest one being at about eye level for me.

I just happened to be half-crouched-half-bent-over filing something in the very bottom drawer when I heard someone about to turn the corner behind me. 

Mental Dialogue With Myself

"Oh bad, whoever that is, is going to turn the corner and the first thing they are going to see is your butt just sticking all up in the air right in their face. You really need to do something about this."

"Ok....quick, grab those files from the ground and stand up."

"Very goooooooo....What the? What is?  NO sweet Mary Jesus in a pony tree NO"

"Shit, act sensible, maybe he did not see you just STEP ON YOUR OWN HAND AND FALL OVER SIDEWAYS DIRECTLY IN HIS PATH"

"I really hope I didn't say the pony tree thing out loud."

Out Loud Dialogue With Work Colleague

L: Oh hello, having a nice morning?

WC: Are you alright?

L:  Oh yes, just, you know, some early morning yoga.  Gets the work juices flowing.

WC: I don't think that's yoga.

L:  Just help me up please.  And please don't tell **my boss** about this.

L: And please also don't tell him I used the term 'work juices'.

WC: My lips are sealed.

Ten Minutes Later

Boss: Oh hey Lauren, I've been meaning to ask you, did you have a nice trip?

L: What? I didn't go anywhere, thats THIS weeken....oh crap.

TADA!!  That's my embarassing story of the day.  Tune in almost any other day of my life for another version of the same story.

Oh also, I got some ridiculous hate mail today and considered posting it here with a reply but decided against it.  If you're friends with me on facebook, I posted about it a little bit there.  If you're not friends with me on facebook, why the eff not?  Am I not good enough to be your friend?  Click that button at the top of my sidebar immediately!! (Or don't, that's fine too, I'll still love the crap out of you for reading.)

See Ya Later Alligators Blogstalkers!

Oh and quick favor, I need to submit a couple of my "funniest" blog posts for something that is currently a secret (no I'm not writing a book, I can barely write a blog) so if you have a favorite post can you leave a
quick comment and tell me which one it is?

Thanks!

53 comments:

  1. lol I embarrass myself all the time. Also, I will totally quit my job once my blog really picks up. It will be AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh also, I think my favorite post is http://www.filing-jointly.com/2012/01/if-any-of-you-were-under-impression.html but the curtsy contest with Ryan may be a strong second.

      Delete
    2. I already try to convince Ryan to let me quit my job and blog full time and post EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is vehemently opposed. I can not see why.

      Delete
  2. I tried to come up with a witty something to say regarding your long arms and law enforcement, but then I didn't...:)

    Also, if you're not doing/saying something that someone somewhere would rather you not be doing/saying then you aren't doing it right...

    Crap, I should have said write instead of right, then it WOULD have been a witty pun. Perhaps even pithy if I have the definition of that word correct.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE the word pithy, but I feel like in most instances I use it incorrectly. I should probably look it up one of these days.

      Thanks for insinuating that I'm "doing it right (write)"

      Delete
  3. Please please please submit your updated vows post. Hilarious. Also, I tripped UP the stairs at work the other day. UP. THE. STAIRS. This happened the day after I fell over BOWLING at a work function. So you are not alone. Also, I am much older than you and can provide you with no hope whatsoever for the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I've done the trip up the stairs thing, it's pretty frightening. I have not ever however, fallen over bowling (at a work event sure, countless times, but never bowling.)

      Your last sentence totally made me laugh out loud!

      Delete
  4. As much as I adore your blog I'm not sure I can trust someone who only eats SIX M&Ms. And who counts them, for that matter. I worry about you, Lauren. It was Monday morning, for Pete's sake-surely that merits wolfing down a King Size bag with nary a second thought. I'm going to assume this was some crazy aberration brought on by the trauma of the dead bird thing. Deal?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Word! (Said with my hippest face)

      I think thats all I could focus on; 6??!!! Who only eats 6 M&Ms? Did you mean 6 handfuls? That would make more sense...

      Delete
    2. I only ate six M&Ms because someone left me six Easter colored ones on my desk, spelling out the letter "L"

      It seemed suspicious, but I like M&Ms so I went with it.

      Is that better?

      Delete
  5. Why does my husband give me weird looks when I laugh out loud whilst reading things on the internet? He so does not get blogs at all. His loss.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. My husband does the exact same thing. He doesn't get blogs either. He's always telling me to "tell the blogosphere I said hello and that I think it is stupid."

      Delete
  6. Is this where you defriend me because I have to admit that I haven't read them all yet?

    I know, I know. A pox be upon me and all that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What!?

      A pox be upon you LAURA. (Kidding of course)

      Delete
    2. I'll have you know I broke out in spots 30 seconds after reading that, LAUREN.

      I blame, uh, graduate school! and traveling! And this weird work thing. WTH?!

      Delete
    3. OHMYGOSH I have witchy curse powers!!

      Off to use them for evil!

      Delete
  7. I can't believe you got hate mail today. Good thing you are moving because the post office won't forward that shit.

    The blog entry that comes to my mind first is the rope climbing incident. I feel like that makes me a bad person. But I laughed so hard :-)

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    Replies
    1. So many people have suggested the rope climbing entry! It's funny because I thought that post was going to totally flop. It's so good to hear it didn't!

      Delete
  8. You got hate mail?? Huzzah!! You are a real blogger, indeed! You have finally arrived.

    And, I'm a bit confused . . . shouldn't you be upset with your FEET for stepping on your hand? I would think that was the actual perpetrator, whilst the hand was just an innocent bystander that got mowed down by a wayward foot bullet.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. My feet and I actually get along quite nicely. Even though I am like five foot eight, they have decided to stay a size 7ish. So I will never say any harsh things about my feet. My hands aren't bad either, they just happen to be attached to the end of my horrible ridiculously long arms.

      Delete
  9. "Sweet Mary Jesus in a pony tree"?? I can't decide to ask you how that one came about, or to ask why there wasn't an F-bomb attached to that phrase. Because usually when I break out what I call my false Catholicisms (only called that because I'm not Catholic, but learned all this stuff at my Catholic college), I unfortunately add the f word right along in there. Well, it's only unfortunate because I'm trying to make myself look better. I actually enjoy cursing like that. I balance it out by saving kittens from trees, in the hopes of sneaking into heaven.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Are you saving the kittens from a pony tree? Because I feel like that would really tip the scale in your favor. But maybe Sweet Mary Jesus has got that covered already...

      Delete
    2. Ummm, why yes, yes I am. (going out to look for that pony tree right now!)

      Delete
    3. Haha saving kittens from a pony tree. Probably my dream job.

      You might be surprised to hear that as much as I type swear words into my blog entries, I really and truly do not swear that much in real life. I actually didn't swear at all until college. Just always felt uncomfortable doing it. These days if I bang my elbow really hard on something, yes I"ll probably say 'shit' but swear words don't just fly out of my mouth.

      Delete
  10. Thank you so much for the shout out! I'm not worthy, but it's much appreciated! I also agree with RubySlipperzz - 6 m&ms?? Definitely eat that whole bag. For real.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I only HAD six M&Ms (see above response) otherwise I would have eaten many many more.

      Delete
    2. And anytime! I adore my blogstalkers.

      Delete
  11. "If any of you were under the impression that I had moves like Jagger" or "words with words" about your favorite words. Those are my all inclusive FAvs.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So many people are saying the Jagger post. Which totally cracks me up. I thought it was just OK. I guess I need to write childhood stories more often!

      Delete
  12. Never mind about eating just 6 M&Ms, how do you step on your hand?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh Bob. My arms are like the longest arms of all time. I actually have shoulder problems because of my long dumb arms. It's a curse. And a blessing when Ryan tries to hide all of the jelly beans on the top shelf of his closet so he can eat them while I'm at work.

      Delete
  13. OMG my work privileges are also revoked for BOTH youtube and facebook, but unlike you I am unsure why. I did recently send my director the video of Henri, Paw de Deux, but she liked it (and my youtube rights were yanked like two YEARS ago). Sigh... I am sure you are aware of how hard it is to do spreadsheets, data entry, reconciliation and auditing without youtube... don't they (**bosses**) understand??? That's the reason I needed two screens!! Not really, I need two screens so I can have the database and excel both open and reconcile the two (and correct the database)... but that's why I need THREE screens (only two more years to a new computer, so here's hoping I can get three *squee*)

    I also have long arms, I believe they have been described as 'orangutan-like', which is NOT FLATTERING people. Unlike you, my mother did enroll me in ballet, but I quit at age 6 because I found out my mom didn't have the feet for ballet and I didn't want to waste 6 years only to find out my feet weren't good. (seriously, I was an 'old' 6 year old) (sidenote: they aren't good, I have weak ankles and a shortened whatever-your-calf-muscle-is-called)

    Thank you for reading my blog entry in response too your blog entry. I hope your next 'trip' isn't witnessed! (because there will be a next one, we all know it)...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::sigh:: Yes there will be a next one.

      Ugh.

      You have TWO screens? I seriously need that. It would make my life so so much easier.

      Ryan has 12 screens at work (he's a trader) and that sounds just like the worst thing ever to me. But two screen would be amazing. One to do work and one to monitor EBay when I've just bid on something I must have.

      Delete
  14. DeDe Rog4/24/2012

    even though you set the whole story up with the tales of your long arms, I didn't see the whole stepping on your own hand coming. seriously? how does that even happen?? I think I need a re-creation via pictures to really see and understand.... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would so do a picture recreation if I was any sort of artist. But like I can't even draw as well as Allie Brosh on Hyperbole and a Half when she's purposely drawing badly. My stick figures are even wonky usually.

      But yes, I stepped on my hand. My arms are really really long (like I can very easily bend over and put my entire forearm on the ground, it's what I used to do when we had to touch our toes in gym class, it freaks people out.)

      Delete
  15. I just discovered your blog last weekend so haven't read all the posts yet. I did enjoy the story about Ryan and the Christmas tree ornaments.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes...sigh...Ryan enjoys that post too. I can barely read it without experiencing the whole awful situation again.

      Thanks for reading! So glad you've discovered my little blog.

      Delete
  16. My favorite is How Ryan Met Lauren Part II. I'm anxiously waiting for Part III. :]

    I spend my summers at a baseball stadium as the official Hot Dog Cooker (it’s not as glamorous as it sounds). During a rain delay one evening, my OCD kicked in when I found an expo marker. I named every single appliance we had and gave them catchy things to say. I even made signs for all of the doors, letting people know what they were “guarding”. When the rain let up and my boss finally made his way to where we were, he shook his head and said he wasn’t going to leave me unsupervised again. Ever since that day I’ve yelled at the guys whenever they don’t refer to the oven by his proper name (which is Sheldon, in case you’re wondering. The popcorn maker is Dexter).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Part III is in the works, those posts just take the longest to edit because of all of the old pictures involved. And for Part III I'm going to have to go through all 1100 of my wedding pictures to decide which ones to post. Not that I don't go through them like once a week anyway, but still, it's a time commitment.

      And OK do you live in Chicago by chance? Because if you do then I am quitting my job and coming to work with you at the baseball stadium. I feel like we would have a seriously amazing time together.

      Delete
    2. The few wedding pictures you've posted are beautiful! :]

      I wish! I'm in Colorado Springs. My co-workers wouldn't know what hit them if you and I worked together! My bosses would certainly have ore grey hair. Hehe

      Delete
    3. Thanks!

      Colorado is SO beautiful. I'm a little jealous. Ryan and I drove there once to visit my Aunt and it was just the most wonderful trip of all time.

      I'm so sad you don't live in Chicago. My husband would have more grey hair. As in, more than zero. Dumb Ryan.

      Delete
  17. Anonymous4/24/2012

    Who on earth would send you a hate-mail? I hate hating people I don't know. But I will. RUDE! (them, not you). p.s. if it helps I did not understand the trip joke at all until I read it twice and thought about it for five minutes. I am university educated but also a mom of two young kids, and everyone knows that kids eat brain cells - they are like small cute versions of practice zombies. (Kande)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "everyone knows that kids eat brain cells - they are like small cute version of practice zombies." - wins the day.

      Seriously giggling at my desk reading this again.

      Delete
  18. Sharon R4/24/2012

    I too have stepped on my hand - unfortunately I do NOT have extra long arms so I ended up doing a very ungraceful face plant in a fetal position - thank God no one was around to see it!

    My favorite blog has got to the Christmas one - cracks me up every time I read it! Keep the great stories coming - you totally make my day!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh Sharon I'm so glad (not really, but sort of) that you also stepped on your hand! Everyone I tell keeps not believing me, but it's TOTALLY possible.

      I'm so glad you enjoy the blog! And don't worry, as long as I'm married to Ryan, stories like the Christmas post will keep coming.

      Delete
  19. The Christmas Tree indecent-ornament post has to be my favourite. I went back and read it again, and laughed just as much!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Haha yes, that's the post Ryan always recommends to people. What a dummy.

      I'm so glad it makes you laugh!

      Delete
  20. Bahahahahaha I just found this post via a comment on YHL. You. are. hilarious. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks! I'm so glad you've come this way!

      Delete
  21. um, so i am totally staulking you on facebook now, but are you also on goodreads? because i would like to do some/all (maybe none) of the following: a) get awesome recommendations based on your reviews b) judge you base on your reading habits c) assume because you haven't updated that you, like me, are probably reading a romance that you are too embarassed to post about only... not that i do that.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Welcome to the awesomeness that is me on Facebook! You will probably unfriend me in like one day because of how annoying I am.

      I used to use goodreads but I couldn't access it at work at my last job so I got out of practice of updating it. I'll have to start again. I'll totally let you know when I do and then you can just judge away.

      (Have you seen my most recent post BTW? I totally unfortunately read Fifty Shades of Grey...ugh)

      Delete
  22. I think it's a riot when someone takes the time to send hate mail to someone whose writing they just don't like. THEN DON'T READ, GENIUS. I think you're funny, so I read your blog. I have stopped reading blogs when I thought the author was being offensive or just stopped interesting me. Easy as pie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's my thinking too, but oh well. I was most amused by the fact that the hate-mailer said "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all' in the hate mail that they were sending another person.

      Take your own advice maybe?

      Delete

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