I'm High As A Kite, I Just Might, Stop To Check You Out. Let Me Go On, Like I Blister In The Sun.

Good Morning blogstalkers.

First, I feel I should mention that I saw my doctor again yesterday for a follow-up to the whole massive panic attack ambulance episode.  She still feels my anxiety is not quite under control (and as I spent about ten minutes deep-breathing in the bathroom stall whilst repeating the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" in my head yesterday at work, I concur.)  So until my normal anti-anxiety drugs (which I had unfortunately tapered myself off of before all the life crazy happened) start kicking in, I'm also on, let's just say a copious amount of more fast-acting drugs.  As well as a quick round of heavy-duty antibiotics for some sort of bladder infection that I am totally blaming on Mexico.

So I am like, seriously seriously drunk and high (hunk? dry?) on pills right now.  At work.  I just tried to eat a pistachio without removing the shell first.  And earlier I crawled under my desk to plug in my phone charger, then got tired, and a little bit fell asleep under there for about two minutes.  Yep.  Doctor's orders though.

Sidenote: If anyone at work is reading this, the above paragraphs are total exaggeration.  You can tell by all of the coherent sentences I've typed so far in this post.  Oh need more proof do you?  Fine, here are some more sentences.

God bless the Baldwins.

My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.

This is a coherent sentence.

You used to be so much more muchier.  You've lost your muchness.

Oh dear lord they should send me home. 

(Extra points to anyone who knows from where Sylvester McMonkey McBean comes.)

But anyway, the point of all of that is to warn you, that this could be the most nonsensical post I've ever written, and I wouldn't even know it, because like EVERYTHING is making me giggle today.  Like the fact that I just built a small pyramid out of Dots and SnowCaps on my work desk is killing me right now.

And for some reason, I can NOT get the song "Say My Name" by the one and only Destiny's Child out of my head.

Now that I've warned you...

I thought that since I am currently recuperating from a semi-severe case of sunburn, I would take this time to tell you the story of my worst sunburn ever.  A sunburn so bad that it addled my brain.

Our story begins on a sunny Tuesday morning at Ryan's family's lake house.  The Monday had been a bank holiday and then I had taken the Tuesday off of work to make it an extra long weekend.  My sisters and Ryan's siblings and Ryan and I were all just laying legs and arms akimbo on the speedboat, floating aimlessly about the lake.  I had applied a plethora of different types of sunscreen but had forgotten just how deadly the sun can get in late summer in the early afternoon near a reflective body of water.

We dozed off.  (Really for only like 35 minutes too.) 

Upon awaking I knew immediately that something was wrong.  Mostly because Ryan was shaking me awake shouting something about Ooompa Loompa Doompity Doos.  I was like, scalded yo.

I spent the night covered in aloe, filled with aspirin and gatorade, alternating between needing someone to burrito me up in a blanket and shouting "Get this blanket off of me and fill my pajama pants with ice for the love of god!"

When I woke up in the morning I actually had blisters all down my shoulders.  I couldn't wear clothes.  I wore a wet towel and boxer shorts (and a hat and sunglasses for anonymity purposes) to my doctor's office (after calling in sick to work "for probably at least a month.")

Prescription salves and apple cider vinegar baths did their job over the next couple of days and by Saturday I finally felt able to leave the house.  Ryan wanted to go to Nordstrom.  Because he needed new shoes.  I still had a fever.  I am blaming what happens next on that.

Wandering the men's shoe department Ryan and I had the following conversation.

R: Do you like these?

L: The Cheesecake Factory should definitely start making Vicodin Cheesecake.  I would go there then.

R: You go there now.  For that pasta they make with all the cheeses.

L:  ::dreamy sigh:: oh yes I forgot, Four Cheese Pasta.

R: What about these?

L: Actually those aren't bad, I think they'd look really good under pants.

R: (Has somehow moved like 20 feet away.) What did you say?

L: UNDERPANTS

Like seriously blogstalkers, I can not even stress how loudly I yelled the word 'underpants' (as one word, not two) across the crowded Saturday Nordstrom shoe department.

Everyone turned to look.  I was standing there alone, holding one shoe, shouting about under garments. 

Someone asked if I was "quite alright."

If I could have turned any redder, I would have.

I died of humilation and sunburn.  Ryan died of laughter.

I shop at Bloomingdale's now.

Remember to enter my giveaway here!


This post has been brought to you by Alisa of Snarky Cards.

Alisa Starr has been making and selling Snarky Cards for 4 years.  She sells them online, in stores up and down the west coast and in bars, from a box that hangs beneath her boobs; like a cigarette girl. She's sold 47,296 Snarky Cards so far.  They will crack you the fuck up.  You can see her selection of Snarky Cards on her etsy site.  And you can stalk her at www.superalisa.com.

This is my favorite.




46 comments:

  1. Oh dear. That is hilarity!

    What is in the air? My panic attacks are in full blown scare the crap out of me mode right now too. My brain doesn't shut off at night and I get them around 3:30 and then spend the rest of the day yoga breathing. {SIGH}

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yikes. Panic attacks are something completely new to me, just started having them in this month because of stress...and I have not yet had to face the horror that is a middle of the night attack. I can not even imagine.

      I yoga breathe, but I also do the thing where you tense and then relax each muscle in your body, starting at your feet and working up. It's all fine and well until I get to my upper body and there are like almost literally no muscles to tense.

      Delete
    2. I just started with them in September much the same way you did. "Hey doctor, why can't I breathe? OH I am breathing? Why does it feel like I'm not?" I was doing okay until a couple of weeks ago and then the night thing started. It blows.

      I'm a fairly new reader. I forget how I found you. A click here and a blog hop there and BLAM I'm a new stalker.

      Delete
    3. That's EXACTLY how I feel. Like I can't catch my breath, but it turns out I'm definitely getting enough oxygen.

      It's total physiological and crazy to me.

      I'm SO glad you found your way here new stalker!

      Delete
  2. If you can quote the Violent Femmes, then yes, yes you are "quite alright".

    One day when I was leaving the house with my late husband, we were trying to remember to bring all the toys to make creme brulee and bananas foster. To do that you need a little torch that we affectionately called our "Crack Pipe Lighter".

    So here I am, in the driveway, loading up the car, while he's inside gathering bits and pieces. And I yelled out, loud enough for him to hear inside the house, and of course the rest of the neighborhood "DON'T FORGET TO GRAB THE CRACK PIPE! WE'LL NEED IT TONIGHT FOR THAT SPECIAL STUFF!"

    Why, no, no I didn't ever live it down. Why do you ask?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh ha! That's great. I have one of those little torchy things too, but I just call it my 'flame-thrower' because it makes me feel tough.

      And yeah it's pretty impossible to live things like that down. Ryan still can not manage to make it through one shoe department anywhere without a comment about "wouldn't these look good under pants?"

      Delete
    2. Alas, I don't have anyone to ask me in loud voices while shopping in kitchen stores about crack pipes anymore. Woe.

      See, I should come to chicago, cook you something mysterious, take you out to dinner with Vanessa and then I can needle you about underpants in shoe departments and you could exclaim in loud voices about crack pipes and lighting them in fancy schmancy kitchen stores. And then we'd go get ice cream that I'd totally blame on the baby and then stare at Ryan.

      Delete
    3. ::silent happy cries::

      You've just described my perfect date.

      Delete
    4. Awesome!

      Just for the record, in case this date happens after I produce the child, you can still totally blame what you eat on the baby as long as you're nursing. I plan to wean her sometime before she turns 20.

      BUT THEN we can snuggle cute good-smelling, snuggly baby in Ryan's arms and then vanish for a while so he can fall in love with her. Then I'll cruelly take her home and the only way to fill this longing will be to have one with you!

      Delete
    5. Sounds like a plan!

      Delete
  3. Sneetches! My daughter loves that book.

    If it makes you feel any better, my friend said "sex" really loudly at the park we were at with our kids the other day. All the other parents glared at us.

    Sorry you're having panic attacks, those are the worst, but at least they're giving you the good drugs.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You got it! Sneetches! I love that book too. I never grew up.

      If it makes you feel any better, if I were a parent (which I'm not, stupid Ryan) and I were at that park, I would not have glared even a little. I probably would have wanted to join the conversation.

      And yep, feeling much better with all of the drugs now. Just need to get through a couple of more weeks.

      Delete
  4. I had a really horrible sunburn like the one you described once, when I was in 6th grade...the only time I swam without a shirt on actually. My class took a trip to the village pool in early June, and for some reason the pool had a stupid rul about "no shirts in the pool". So, yours truly had to take his off, and got a massive sunburn even though I mudded up. Blisters and everything...I ended up missing close to a week of school, and I was peeling for probably 2 weeks afterward.

    Having been under the influence of various prescription medication cocktails at different points in my life, I can say that the best "high" I achieved was from Paxil and Keppra, which made me so depressed and spacey that I actually started crying during an episode of Star Trek Voyager (granted, many episodes of Voyager make me want to cry now, but that's just as someone who actually enjoys watching decent television...), and fell asleep right on top of a chemistry test in class one day, puddle of drool and all. Not a period in my life I ever wish to repeat, but I came out of that year a stronger person...so I wish you luck at conquering all of this! Things will even out eventually!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You totally get the awful sunburn thing!!!! Like seriously, when I tell people I had to miss three days of work and was still feverish after that, they're like "didn't you say you were a hypochondriac?"

      And please please don't hate me, but I've never ever seen an episode of Star Trek ever. I have nothing against it. Just never seen it. I should probably watch it?

      Delete
    2. ... Oh no. That cannot be allowed to continue.

      Delete
    3. I watch The Big Bang Theory and they talk about Star Trek a lot, that's kind of the same thing right?

      Delete
    4. Not. Even. Close.

      Now I have to move to Chicago in order to lead you through the wonder that is Star Trek.

      Delete
    5. Is that a dare or a double-dog dare?

      Delete
  5. Remind me to type out the whole saga of why I am no longer allowed inside the SFMOMA. (San Francisco Museum of Modern Art)

    I'm at work though, and its a great story that totally deserves my full attention to telling it.

    OH! By the way, do you have photos for me? Justin awaits! Also you should ask me about the photo items I create, because I can totally put him on a cutting board or even a pillow case for you. Just sayin'. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharpie!!

      Sending you wedding pictures soon!

      Delete
  6. Anonymous3/28/2012

    I still have my tan lines from my last vacation - in September of last year.

    I've decided not to enter your giveaway because I might win this time and I don't want anymore painted animals from Mexico. I already have 3 large ones and I cannot add anymore to the zoo without creeping myself out. It's the eyes I think.

    I hope the drugs kick in soon!

    xoxo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will make you a deal. Send me your three large painted animals and I will allow you to not enter yourself in this contest?

      Sound fair?

      Delete
    2. Anonymous3/30/2012

      Only one of the three has a head that bobbles. They were gifts, so I can't allow them to part from my possession.

      How about....I just enter your half-birthday giveaway and you will run that random number generator until my number comes up?

      I am buying a lottery ticket. If I win the jackpot, I promise to sponsor a giveaway.

      xoxo!

      Delete
    3. Did you win? Did you? Did you? Did you?

      We didn't.

      Delete
  7. I do believe that your sunburn story trumps mine, but I'm going to tell it to you anyways ;).

    My senior year of high school, I was in Color Guard and by some luck of the draw our schools marching band got picked to march in the Indy 500 parade. That's not where I got the sunburn though, I got it after the parade at the actual race while sitting in the aluminum stands. OMG it was the worst sunburn I have ever had, the tops of my ears were burnt so bad that I had an inch long blister on each one. Then to make matters worse, after the race we had to drive 4 hours to get back home in an un-air conditioned Greyhound bus. When we got back to the school, my mother took one look at me, laughed, and then said I could stay home the next day to recuperate xD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey!

      I've totally been burned in the bleachers at a baseball stadium before. It wasn't my ears though, it was my scalp ( I was seventeen and had just started to date Ryan and thought pigtail braids were the way to go.)

      I couldn't brush my hair without sobbing (and flaking) for DAYS.

      I considered dreadlocks.

      Delete
  8. Oh, dear God -- The Sneetches!
    I used to read that book to my nieces every night at bedtime. We loved the "Too Many Daves" story. We could list all 23 names from memory and they always cracked up when it came to "Oliver Boliver Butt". They would literally shout that name at the top of there lungs and then roll on the ground giggling before moving on to the rest of the list. My favorite was "Zanzibar Buck Buck McFate". I can't tell you how many times I screwed that up after a glass of wine...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh My Gosh

      Oliver Boliver Butt

      I had totally forgotten that.

      I am DYING of laughter right now.

      Delete
  9. God Bless those Baldwin's.

    -RJ

    ReplyDelete
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    1. RJ

      I was seriously waiting for you to read this post and comment. EVERYONE in my life calls them "The Baldwins" now, because of you.

      It's the best thing that has ever happened.

      Delete
    2. As soon as I saw that I didn't even wait to read the rest of the blog, I went straight for the comments, then went back to reading. Tell Baldwin #1 Baldwin #2 and Baldwin #3 (I don't know their birth order so you can name them) and Girl Baldwin, I said hey :)

      P.S. Your welcome.

      -RJ

      Delete
    3. Your 'hey' has been passed along.

      They all say 'hey' back.

      Delete
  10. Bwahaha! Love that! You have the excuse of being high as a kite.
    My only excuse seems to be that I seem to think that I step into a bubble when I go outside of my house and no one can hear my crazy thoughts.
    I went through a bathroom reno and had no bathroom door for 41 days, so there was a lot of eye gouges and death rattling screams from my prudish family until we realized that if we yelled out 'GOING TO THE BATHROOM! NO ONE COME IN!!'we were safe from horrified eyes.
    On the 39th day I was with my mother in a large chain grocery on a busy Saturday when the call of nature came knock, knock, knocking on bladder's doooor. (Sorry, couldn't resist). So I being the classy creature I am yelled half way across the store,across all the cashiers and people in line to my mother, 'GOING TO THE BATHROOM! NO ONE COME IN!
    I swear that even the lady with the seeing eye dog turned and looked at me.
    I ordered in for the last couple of days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laughing. Out. Loud.

      Like I can't even say anything else. I actually wish that had happened to me, so I could tell that story.

      Delete
  11. It was like sunburn, then shoe shopping, then cheesecake, then underpants. I got lost then I blushed.

    Oh Lauren, how high is the pyramid?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. High indeed Bob, very high indeed.

      Now what were you saying about pyramids?

      Delete
  12. Lisa S3/29/2012

    I feel bad laughing at this story.

    I'm glad the drugs are helping, and hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you Lisa.

      I already feel a bit better. Anxiety is an old enemy of mine, just adjusting to the whole 'panic attack' thing right now.

      And laugh all you want. I laugh at myself about this every time I see a Nordstrom. But I still can't go in one.

      Because of the shame.

      Delete
  13. i started typing a story about my experience at the movie theatre during which my classy self saw fit to announce that i needed to pee. but, the story was too long so you get to guess what happened. [you're probably good at that :(]

    nevertheless, it was very embarrassing and i managed to muster my dignity and sneak out of the row.

    ..then i really booked it.

    the end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ack that's not funny at all! (smothers giggles)

      Movie theaters give me so much anxiety in general. The idea that I am firmly ensconced in a chair in the dark with pretty much no contact to the outside world for two hours like FREAKS ME OUT.

      What if something crazy happened in the real world? How would I know?

      Delete
  14. My sister and mother mistook my anxiety meds for a diuretic when we were at the beach one year. I had samples of Buspar and they thought it was some over the counter diuretic and took them for several days. I only found out when I went to get one and they were all gone. My sister commented I shouldn't get a new prescription because she took them for days and was still puffy and retaining the entire Atlantic Ocean in her fingers. I should have known - they were both really casual and relaxed when they are normally type A OCD people. For some reason, they didn't find it as funny as I did.

    I wanted a Star-On machine when I was a kid. I used to tell my baby sister she couldn't play with us because she wasn't a star-bellied child.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. First, I would LOVE an Star-On machine. I suppose I could go to a tattoo parlor?

      That sounds painful though.

      And I find your story delightful! I wish I could slip members of my family some Valium or something from time to time.

      Delete
    2. It's astounding how many people get anxiety and panic attacks. I had one the beginning of this year and holy crap all the ones I thought were panic attacks WERE NOT...i'm really glad I'm not the only one. phew. sorry about the sunburn.

      Delete
    3. Yeah the panic attacks are THE WORST.

      I just sit there trying to breathe and ignore the "IMPENDING DOOM INPENDING DOOM" voice in my head.

      Delete
  15. I hate being that person that comments on a post months after it's posted just because I happen to be catching up on the archives of said blog, but yet here I am commenting. I just had to say, I read this post while eating lunch and almost snorted chicken lettuce wraps out of my nose when I got to the UNDERPANTS part. So so funny. Thank you for that (the laughter not the possibility of chicken coming out of my nose).

    ReplyDelete

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