I Remember When, I Remember I Remember When I Lost My Mind. There Was Something So Pleasant About That Place. It Was Probably All Of The Drugs.

Top of the morning to you blogstalkers.

I was totally planning on actually resuming a normal posting schedule (so you know, once every three to seven days) today but then this weekend happened.

So Saturday I was just sitting on the couch, eating a Subway footlong chicken breast on flatbread extra cheese.

And then one hour later I was like "Hey chest, just a suggestion and shit, but maybe work on breathing better ok?"

::sidenote:: This is not the first time I have yelled at my chest.  In seventh grade I would sometimes stand in front of the mirror and shout "GROW!"

But anyway, one hour later I was like "Hey Ryan I think I'm going to take a quick trip to Urgent Care (where my doctor works on every third Saturday, yes I know this) to get some antibiotics or something."

Because I had been coughing for like four days and I figured, probably bronchitis or yellow fever or something.

So I took a cab to Urgent Care and my doctor was like "Oh hey Lauren.  Fancy seeing you here."

And I was like "Hey how's your baby doing?  Also I totally can not breathe even a little bit."

Blah blah blah.

Ambulance.

Yep.

So then I spent Saturday evening in the hospital because of the shortness of breath and because my resting heart rate hit the 150s at one point.

Like seriously they wouldn't even let me call Ryan to drive me to the hospital. They forced me to be ambulanced.  They even turned on the sirens.

I had a very nice conversation with the ambulance man on the way to the hospital.  His name was Steve and his favorite color was "Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to lie still and refrain from talking."

Also, Ryan's and my friend Steve married his wonderful fiance Sam on Saturday and we are so so happy for them.  Hey Steve & Sam!!  Ryan and I and Ambulance Steve wish you so many congratulations!!  Well actually that's not entirely true, Ambulance Steve wishes you "Please stop humming."

So I spent the evening in the hospital.  With my darling husband by my side.  Because that's exactly the place he wanted to be again.  The hospital.

Turns out I had what they are calling a "Massive Panic Attack"

Lovely.

I have always been a stress-driven creature and I guess the last five weeks just got to me. 

Lots and lots of Ativan (like Valium but stronger) is helping.

Also, we are planning a fancy Mexican vacation and that's helping.

I'll be back soon (very very soon) blogstalkers.  Probably with pictures of me in a bathing suit.  NOT!

Oh also, whomever googled "If it moves, drink it" to get here, right there with you blogstalker.

And one more thing.

Please PLEASE cross your fingers for me that the Mexican monkeys aren't as successful as the Costa Rican honeymoon monkeys at running from me.


36 comments:

  1. *hugs* Feel better soon!!

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    1. Thanks Mandy!!

      I'm already feeling tons better. Because of the drugs. I love a good drug.

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  2. Jessica Stringer3/12/2012

    LAUREN! Girl, you better take care of yourself! Glad to see a post from you today and I hope and pray that you can catch the Mexican monkeys!! Will you be bringing one home with you? I'm sure Ryan will LOVE that SO much! He's probably buying little baby monkey clothes already! HA!

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    1. I'm TOTALLY bringing a monkey home with me. Immigration laws be damned. And we wouldn't even have to buy it clothes. It could just wear the clothes I've already purchased at Bloomingdales for my future babies.

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  3. I don't know about Mexican Monkeys but you will see the "angry birds" as I called them - LONG BEFORE THE GAME and no, no pigs being destroyed. You will know them when you hear them. They sound angry. I'm hoping you feel better. YAY Ativan!

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    1. Yay Ativan! I am SO looking forward to these birds.

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  4. Breane3/12/2012

    Do NOT go near the monkeys! Never trust a monkey! They bite and pick pockets and pull people's pants down. Plus a marmoset held me hostage at a zoo once. Monkeys are bad bad bad critters.

    Also, I'm very sorry you had such a terrible weekend. After everything else that's happened, that must have been so scary. I'm glad you're on the mend. And I don't want the monkeys to hurt you.

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    1. You know, so many people warn me against monkeys but I refuse to believe they are anything but cuddly. Which is why it is so confusing when they run away from me and my waiting arms.

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    2. Breane3/12/2012

      I guess it's like me and armadillos. I think an armadillo would an awesome pet, but everyone's always like " Blah, blah, blah, They carry leprosy". So what! They can curl into a ball for convenient travelling!

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    3. What about a hedgehog? They also curl into balls and are ridiculously adorable.

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  5. Ouch! I'm totally there with you on the panic attacks (as you know) and they're TERRIFYING! Also, I'm very jealous of your Mexican vacation. I have been planning on forcing my husband to take a vacation with me, and now out of jealousy I will make it happen. :D

    Looking forward to photos, and if you get a good one, send me the file. I will photoshop swimtrunks clad Justin Timberlake in it for you. ;D

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    1. And now I'm more excited about the Justin Timberlake photo than the actual vacation. There is something seriously wrong with me.

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  6. Anonymous3/12/2012

    Does shortness of breath get shortened into SOB at the hospital? I am all "hurhurhur" about that inside my head right now.

    Hope you feel better soon. I am crossing my fingers that the Mexican vacation will result in babies - either the monkey or human type.

    xoxo!

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    1. Actually, it totally does. My Urgent Care orders say "Ambulance called for SOB." At first I was all like, "ummm what?" And then I figured it out.

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    2. Anonymous3/13/2012

      This makes it less funny somehow. I am disappointed and I can't explain why.

      xoxo!

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    3. Oh Boo, Sad Face, I'm Sorry.

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  7. When we went to Gibraltar the monkeys all kicked my mum. She was stood taking pictures of the scenery (SUCH a tourist) and then one by one the monkeys ran up to her and kicked her in the back before running off. About 5 of them. They were like ninja monkeys or something. Prolly a rare breed.

    A couple of years ago I had many ambulance rides. They aren't too chuffed when you don't shut up or start asking what the things in the ambulance do. I had a thing where if I was stood up I would pass out but laid down I was fine so I could resume being annoying. The worst thing is that EKG machine or whatever it is where you have to lay really still. Why is it so bloody hard to lay still when you know you have to?

    Anyhoo, I'm glad you are on drugs because it means you can continue being ace. Feel better and have a cracking holiday. <3 (Yeah, I less than three'd you)

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    1. Oh I would so love it if the ninja monkeys found Ryan and roughed him up a bit on this vacation. It would remind me so much of our honeymoon, on which he was attacked by a feral cat. Because the cat was skinny and I felt bad for it and so was putting fish in my pockets at meals and then feeding the cat. Even though the signs all said "Do Not Feed Feral Cats." So the cat started following me around and once Ryan got just a little too close to me and the cat got all jealous. Probably thought Ryan was about to swipe my pocket fish.

      And yes about the EKG. They EKG'd me for like twenty minutes. Like, I don't stay still that long even in my sleep. Ugh. My eye is twitching just thinking about it.

      Now off on my holiday!!

      Less Than Three!!

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    2. I have a picture of me feeding a monkey in Gibraltar . . . which was taken immediately prior to that monkey grabbing the bag of peanuts right out of my hand and scurrying away! Damn monkey. :)

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    3. Hey! No swearing at monkeys.

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  8. Now, are these monkeys anything like the monkeys from the Wizard of Oz? Because those creatures are freaking terrifying. Can't see how you'll get much R&R if you're busy chasing those. Either way, have fun, and take a load off (especially now that you have awesome drugs to help even things out a bit.)!

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    1. Funny story about me. Because I was such a shameless and ridiculous child, my mom often signed me up for theater productions. I was in the Wizard of Oz once. I was totally The Mayor Of The Munchkin City AND a flying monkey. And I still remember all of my lines.

      And yes those monkeys are terrifying. But I would still try to cuddle them.

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  9. I'm so sorry! You have a lot of things going on to deal with, so I totally get it. I'm a stress case, too, although I've not (yet) had an anxiety attack. I'm too busy working on my ulcer, but I'm sure I'll get to an anxiety attack sooner or later. Also, I'm so sorry about your mother-in-law. Is it weird to send hugs even though I don't know you? Probably. Sending hugs anyway. xxxxxx I'm awkward like that.

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    1. I haven't yet had an ulcer (too busy with the anxiety) but I'm sure it's coming sooner or later.

      And the only hugs that exist in my life are awkward ones, so I'll totally take those hugs.

      Thanks.

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  10. pssst. In case you were still wondering, it's orange.

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    1. I WAS wondering. Mine is purple. If you couldn't tell by this site.

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  11. First, I am glad you are ok and that you have some good meds. But, my first thought was "oh, your poor husband!" I can just imagine him sitting at the hospital, thinking "don't you dare!!" You guys have just been through so much lately. I hope you enjoy the hell out of yourselves in Mexico. And yes, please do bring back one of those cuddly little monkeys. He will probably fit right in your luggage as well.

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    1. My first thought when they called the ambulance was "my poor husband" as well. I totally get it. I apologized like a thousand times until Ryan told me I was being "extremely ridiculous."

      And I am going to do my best to bring back a monkey. One that always stays a baby and makes tiny monkey noises.

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  12. Sorry to read about your latest bit of bad news! My husband's grandfather died in early Feb., and my MIL ended up taking her own ambulance ride for a panic attack. Sending some positive thoughts that you feel better soon.
    (And just think... a monkey would probably make less of a mess of the Christmas tree than Ryan did!)

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    1. It was scary but I'm feeling totally fine now. And now I have emergency drugs.

      I'm sorry to hear about your husband's Grandfather/Mother.

      ::sigh::A monkey at Christmas. A girl can dream right?

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  13. Relax and leave the monkeys alone.

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    1. I'll leave the monkeys alone once they are sitting in my lap and drinking from a bottle.

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  14. My first guess would have been to blame Subway.. I hope this never happens to me or id be dead within 10. Ive already instructed Eddie to write "Damn you, Subway" on my tombstone and include a picture of me holding the monster sammie up. Also, I want to be buried dressed as a ninja...

    Anyway... fell better soon!!!!

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    1. Oh yeah, totally blame Subway. And whenever I order and eat a delicious sandwich from there in the future, I will only be eating it out of spite. I hope you know that SUBWAY.

      I want my tombstone to say "Aggravated to Death By The Complete Uselessness Of Her Guardian Angel." Because I assume Ryan will die first and then spend his angel days fluttering about with no regard for my continuing lack of rubies.

      Angels are magic RYAN and can probably conjure gemstones out of thin air. Please remember that for future Guardian Angel use.

      I haven't decided yet what I want to be buried dressed as...a ninja is a pretty good idea. May steal.

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  15. i would panic too when i realized i had no more sandwich w/ extra cheese to eat :(. I hope you're feeling better!

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    1. Totally feeling better thanks!

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