How Ryan Met Lauren Part II. In Which Neither Of Them Ever Drink Alcohol Under The Age Of 21.

The day has come sweet patient blogstalkers.  It's finally time for the second riveting chapter of How Ryan Met Lauren.

You can catch up on the first part by clicking on these words.

Or you can just read this brief recap.

Once upon a time a goofy young lad by the name Ryan fell in love with a sassy little lass who, at the time, did not go by her given name (Lauren) but rather by the nickname 'Rae-Rae' because she was all sorts of cool and tough.  She was even cool and tough on the days when her dad insisted on calling her 'Yiddy Rae-Rae.'

Don't believe me?

Check out the mean face on Yiddy Rae Rae.

What. A. Guter.

Oh sorry, 'Guter' (say gooter) is what I call Ryan these days.  Ever since this happened:

Ryan: Words with friends will not let me play this word and I KNOW it's a word.

Lauren: What word?

Ryan: Gutter

Lauren: Yeah, that's definitely a word, let me see.

Lauren: Seriously? Gutter has two 't's, what you are trying to play is the word gooter.

Ryan: Oh, yeah I thought it looked funny. (Sure you did Ryan.)

So anyway, it looked like poor Ryan was out of luck.


Lauren was still hanging out with her dad in high school.


And Ryan had frosted tips and a cool necklace in high school.

He'd gotten a lot more 'cuter' and a lot less 'guter'.

So Ryan was like WAY out of Lauren's league.

Let's compare again shall we?



Lauren.  Broken Finger Obviously.

Ryan.  Topless obviously.

But blah blah blah, miracles occurred, planets were thrown out of alignment and Ryan and Lauren fell in love or whatever passes for love in high school.

And then they went to prom together.  And then high school was over.  And they were serious adults in a serious relationship.  Ha.

These are our normal faces.  Lauren talking about something absurd and gesturing wildly.  Ryan cringing.
So moving on to the second part of our saga.

The summer after high school Ryan and Lauren had a tough decision to make.  Did they just call it quits? After all they were only 18 and had only been dating for like six months.  Or did they attempt to stay together in college, while they attended two different colleges?

On a fancy date to Navy Pier over food court Chinese food,  Lauren could no longer handle all of the begging and agreed that they should try to make it work.  Ryan was SO happy.

"Oh Lauren, you're wonderful.  Never change."  And then Lauren never did.  And then Ryan regretted telling her never to change.
And then Lauren regretted ever supporting the idea that Ryan take his top off.

It did help that their two respective colleges were only about 20 minutes apart.

And so the college adventure began.

Freshman year they started out strong.

They made both friends and responsible decisions.

I actually took this picture.  Such a proud moment.
And then they made friends with each other's friends.

This is OJ.  He was the best man at our wedding.  He and Ryan have a very special relationship.
Don't believe me?


And made it a priority to spend lots of time together.

If it makes any of you think better of me, this boy was gay. (Seriously)
Wait, crap.  That's not Ryan.  Hold on.

My sorority formal.  I wore the dress I'd been keeping in my closet since prom.  Ryan wore the hair he'd been growing on his head since prom.

And Lauren made sure Ryan knew exactly what she was worth by forcing him to take her on fancy dates.

Both on land...

Why yes that is a large piece of paper on which my roommates wrote down every ridiculous thing I said and then taped to the wall

And by sea.
Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker. 
And on Sundays, they dressed alike and held hands and went skipping by Lake Michigan.

Actually this was an accident, but then I wouldn't let Ryan change that day.
Sidenote: The other time we accidentally dressed the same was when we were at Disney World and we both wore pale lemon colored polo shirts with khaki shorts and Rainbow flip flops (like the brand Rainbow, not like multi-colored.)  People pointed it out all day.  Guess who loved it and who hated it.

So things for a while were great in Ryan and Lauren land.

And then they were not so great.  Because they were 20 years old and impetuous.  And maybe just a little too young to be saying the word 'forever' out loud.  So they decided to take a break.

This blogger doesn't much know how that time went for Ryan.  But for Lauren it was like this:


The night after the big split Lauren's friends DRAGGED her to the bar and made her smile for pictures.

Did I say I was 20 when we broke up?  I clearly meant 21, because I never went to bars when I was 20 Mom.

But she was not a happy girl.


She stopped letting herself get talked into going to bars and instead made her friends come over to her apartment and wallow with her in grief and dirty sweats and fake engagement rings.

Yes Lauren was so out of her mind that she wore a fake engagement ring around both so she could pretend like she wasn't dumped but rather affianced and also so that boys would just leave her alone completely.

Because she was over boys.

Shots of Apple Juice.  Because I was still 20.  Shit I mean 21.  Well in that case, shots of beer.  Once a minute for 60 minutes.  It's called a Power Hour Mom.

Lauren was all like, eff Ryan.  What a jerk.  I don't miss him at all.  Hey friends lets dress up sort of slutty for Halloween and then take pictures of ourselves and send them to Ryan.

Not to make him jealous.  Not at all.  Just because he always liked when I wore this shirt.
Sorry blogstalkers.  Week three was the week our dear Lauren got angry.  And dressed slutty.  But didn't ACT slutty, let's make that clear right now.


While Ryan was probably writing songs about heartbreak and drinking wine out of the box,

How Do I Live Without You? I Want To Know. Ummm..that song has already been written RYAN. 
Lauren was finally starting to act like Lauren again.

Not because of the drinking, because of the broken finger/wrist.


They got back together week five.  Because Ryan LOVED Lauren.  

Don't deny it Ryan.  You did.  You LOVED her.  
And luckily she still liked him back.

Because he was QUITE the catch.

Hard to believe this boy would grow up to be hyper-picky about slippers.

And also she missed the fancy dates.

My Eyes! My Eyes! Get Some Sun Lauren For Gods Sake.
And everything went back to being normal and wonderful.

Come Christmas they went on Santa adventures.

Yes I still make him do this, why do you ask?
And come Spring Break they went on Disney adventures.

And our Ryan was a happy boy.

Even though sometimes he tried to deny it.
And before they knew it.  College was coming to a close.  And the real world was looming on the horizon.  And they celebrated their five year anniversary.

And then Lauren got her teeth whitened.
And what comes next will have to wait until our conclusion in part three.

But here's a small hint.  One of these two couples get married.

Oh Look Ryan! Your eyes match my shirt.

Lots of love blogstalkers!!! Was it worth the wait?  I'm guessing probably not.  It was a pretty long wait.


  1. Lauren, you were so gorgeous in high school and college. I am most jealous. The funny pictures also made up for the long wait. Boxed wine? Classy, Ryan.

    1. You say gorgeous (thank you) but what you don't know is that I NEVER showered in college.

      So if my hair looks all pretty and's because it's greasy.

      And if my skin looks all's because it's greasy.

      (I clearly showered at least a couple of times a week, but looking back, it just wasn't enough.)

  2. Stefanie3/01/2012

    Okay, that was awesome and I totally loved it, HOWEVER now we have to wait for part THREE? double ewe tee eff, LAUREN.

    1. Just look at it this way, part III is going to be BORING, because you already know what happens and you already know a lot of the post-college Lauren & Ryan stories.

      So actually, you should just hope I NEVER post it.

      Which, looking at my track record on this type of post, will probably happen.

  3. Notice Ryan shoving OJ away from himself inconspicuously in that last picture? That's what leads me to believe that it was the prior couple that was happily wed and lived forever after even though that RYAN is sometimes lame and won't let you have cheese seven meals a day.
    I don't know how he ended up lucky enough to win you.
    Must have been the polar bear slippers.

    1. It absolutely was not the polar bear slippers. Because those things were MINE. And Ryan stole them for himself.

      Maybe he's never happy with any other pair of slippers because none of them measure up to the awesomeness that was the polar bear slippers?


      You know, I did see a pair of hippopotamus slippers last time I was shopping.

      I should probably get him those.

      Must go, cheese to eat.

  4. Totally worth the wait...I laughed my butt off. You need to present this story to your eventual children in this very same format.

    1. ::sigh:: My poor children right?


  5. Breane3/01/2012

    I love this story. It's the perfect romantic comedy. It's full of hearts and kisses and alcohol and bromances and broken fingers and polar bear slippers. What more could you ask for? Except part 3.

    1. Yes yes part III, I know.

      I'll get there eventually. These posts take HOURS to edit.

      I love you for loving this story!

  6. I had better not be an old lady by the time part three rolls ar.....wait....I'm already old. Never mind.

    Award for you!

    1. Yay! Thanks for the award! I'm always so bad at awards. But I will mention it in my next post!

  7. That was pretty adorable! He's a lucky boy. ;)

    You guys are too cute. ^_^

    1. Yes but for some reason he doesn't ACT like he's a lucky boy.

      He ACTS like he's been dealt a wildcard when it comes to lives and wives.

    2. Nah, the wildcard is where your blogstalkers come in. :D

    3. Haha yeah thanks to you all, Ryan has a buttload of ridiculous questions to which he has to somehow formulate an answer.

      He's regretting agreeing to cooperate.

  8. wait, wait, did "Boy Meets World" steal your life story? childhood sweethearts, tried to break up but reunited, and boy and best friend might secretly be in love with each other? i'm jealous. i always wanted to be Topanga. i guess now i can say i really wanted to be Lauren.

    1. OMG I totally wanted to be Topanga too. I loved that show. It taught me what SCUBA stands for (Self-Contained-UnderWater-Breathing-Apparatus)

      Thank You Minkus (remember him? I don't think he made it much past junior high on the show.)

    2. I think i watched the SCUBA episode around the time we were working on acronyms or something because i know it helped me on a quiz or something.
      And I do remember Minkus! They had him do the graduation episode and claimed to have been on the "other side" of the school that they never go to.(and i just confirmed how much of a dork i am.)

    3. Oh I remember the graduation episode. Isn't that when Topanga proposes to Corey? I am all about wedding proposals. Or was, until I got my own.

    4. yes, it is! are we going to get the wedding proposal in the third installment of the Lauren and Ryan saga? i love proposal stories!

    5. Absolutely! And be excited. Because he messed it up spectacularly.

  9. Maria T.3/02/2012

    Loved this post! You two are super-cute together (and you are just so gorgeous!!)

    1. Ahhh people need to stop using that G-word. It's making me all nervous. And at some point it'll probably go to my head.

  10. Jessica Stringer3/02/2012

    I'm going to be pissed if it turns out Ryan married O.J. first! Don't leave us hanging for 8 years for part 3, please!
    Have a fantabulous Friday!

    1. Nope Ryan didn't marry OJ first but - true story - OJ proposed to me at my wedding to Ryan. I have pictures to prove it.

      Have a fantabulous Friday yourself!

  11. I'm a new reader, got here from The Bloggess (like 2 days ago) and I'm hooked! Love this story and all of your other ridiculousness.

    1. Thanks!

      I always love when people *get* me.

      It doesn't happen as often as you would think.

  12. Maid of Honor3/02/2012

    I think you may have used photoshop on the spring break disney picture, you have never been that tan in your life.

    1. Oh shush.

      If I knew how to use photoshop there would be a LOT more pictures of me hanging out with Justin Timberlake.

      And it's probably just the lighting in that picture. In real like I was probably burnt to a crisp.

  13. Definitely worth the wait! I love it!

    1. Glad to hear it blogstalker!

  14. Anonymous3/02/2012

    Hahaha, that picture at Disney is the best.

    1. Yeah I sort of love that picture. I made Ryan purchase it for me.

    2. Nicky Noodle3/02/2012

      Idk why my name didn't show up but it's me, your sister.

    3. Wow two of my siblings commented already today?

      I'm going to be pissed if Clarke and Davis don't get their butts online and make it the only day that all four of you have commented.

  15. Lisa G3/02/2012

    Thanks for the laughs. It went well with my morning java.

    1. Anytime.

      Well not anytime.

      Let's just say sometimes.

  16. Yeah, this definitely helps my Gangrene.

    Also, the sheet of 'things you say' on the wall? My friends did that to me except they plotted the comments on a scale of stupidity.

    1. How's your hay fever though?

      Haha!! That's great!

      One of my friends, in the middle of class, once made me a pie chart called "How Lauren Spends A Typical Day" And then she colored the entire circle highlighter yellow and wrote "Being Ridiculous" on it.

      This was in response to me getting to class late and then accidentally pulling a bra out of my backpack when I tried to get my notes.

    2. My hay fever is pleasant when compared to my Yellow fever. Swings and roundabouts.

      Oh god, that reminded me of the time I handed a boy I liked a sanitary towel when he asked for a calculator. They don't even weigh the same. Oh, and the time I didn't realise I had a pair of knickers fall out the bottom of my trousers on the way across the carpark into work (I'd grabbed my trousers from the tumble dryer and the knickers must've whirled up inside). I didn't notice until someone came chasing after me with them. Poor sausage probably thought it was a hanky until he sort of opened them to show me.

      I love your pie chart story.

    3. Oh Abigail

      That is hilarious. I once raised my hand in class whilst holding a tampon and often have socks static-clinging to my clothes but that's just not the same thing.

      I love your comments. I always read them in my head with a British accent and then nod my head emphatically and say "Quite" when I have finished.

      I will translate for people that are not perhaps as up on English culture as I am.

      sanitary towel - pad
      realise - realize
      knickers - underwear
      trousers - pants
      carpark - parking lot
      tumble dryer - regular dryer
      sausage - someone else will have to translate this one because I don't know
      hanky - snot rag

      Yeah...I like the British versions better as well.

    4. All you need now is a Monocle! You also make an excellent translator. I had positively no idea I wrote so Britishly!

      There are many stories where I make a complete berk of myself. For the most part I'm not even squiffy when they happen.

    5. Umm. Is it lame if I already have a monocle? I got it because I wanted to carry it around in my pocket and then take it out and use it to look at Ryan whenever he was doing something particularly outlandish. But no one else thought it was as funny as I did, so alas, into my box of unappreciated treasures it went.

      Also, just had to look up both berk and squiffy. And the first definition that came up for berk was quite shocking. But then I found another definition and felt most relieved.

  17. omg your hillarious! love it .. new here.. and staying.. lol

    1. Thanks! Love getting new readers. Probably love it too much.

  18. This was awesome!

    Do you still have the sheet of things you said? That would have been fun to keep! But I just like to keep old random crap like that...

    1. ::sigh:: I don't. I think we tossed it when we all moved out. But I vaguely remember a couple of the things that were written on it.

      (shouting from other room)"Umm Oma, Could you come help? I wanted to see if I could fit my entire body into the laundry hamper and now I'm stuck."

      That one had a picture of my stuck in the laundry hamper taped next to it.

  19. So totally worth the wait! I can hardly stand knowing that Part 3 is not already done and waiting for me. :)

    1. I'm legitimately so surprised that for some reason this How Ryan Met Lauren series is one that people seem to like to read. It like astounds me. I don't get it at all.

      That said, I'm very glad this is the case. It makes me want to put on my happy pants (they have penguins on them) and dance about the room.

  20. Anonymous3/02/2012

    I am also a fellow Bloggess reader and found your blog via hers. You are so funny! I've read every single post! Definitely stalker status. I can't wait for Part Three, because even though I know you're now married, I want more wedding pictures! I'm planning my own wedding so I'm obsessed with all things weddings. Thanks for the entertainment!


    1. Part III is in the works. And I never waste an opportunity to flaunt my wedding pictures all about so believe me, there will be wedding pictures.

      I can't believe you've read every post! One time I sat down and tried to reread everything I'd written and I got dizzy after about twelve minutes.

      I love my blogstalkers and I especially love when they come out of hiding so thanks for reading! And for commenting!

  21. You two are too darn cute. I have a feeling that there is a picture of my husband drinking a box of wine when we took our break from each other. It's probably in the fraternity scrapbook or something, so I probably don't want to see it!

    1. Oh god fraternity scrapbooks. Are those a thing that exists? Actually don't tell me. I don't even want to start to think about what would be in Ryan's. Yuck.

      Also, thank you for calling me cute.

  22. Jessica Stringer3/05/2012

    I just came to see if you had any new posts since the weekend and am highly upset at the fact that somehow when I first read this entry, I totally missed the sign your father is holding in the first picture. Lauren, this is not good. I'm not sure if I can continue reading your blog and support someone that allows signs that read "cards stink". You see, I'm a die hard St. Louis Cards fan and I just don't know if I can get over this. And by the way, could you please tell your dear old dad that the Cards do not in fact "stink" as he likes to plaster on signs. They are the World Series mother effing Champs! Whew...okay, I feel a little bit better, but I'm SO NOT OVER THIS!!!!! Happy Monday!

    1. If it makes you feel any better, I totally rooted for the Cardinals in the World Series this year. That picture was taken solely to send to my Uncle/Cousin who lived near St. Louis and were huge Cardinals fans. It was totally a joke.

      Because while if somehow the Cubs and Cardinals were pitted against each other in the World Series I would be wishing the Cubs would win four straight and the Cardinals flounce home in tears, I don't actually hate the Cardinals.

      And I certainly like them more than some other teams, like, let's say, the disgusting White Sox.

      So please keep reading? Please?

      Also, I'm totally trying to pump out another post this afternoon.

  23. okay, I'm your newest follower and you have an amazing, hilarious blog... and I think I might go back and read all your posts for the next 7 hours at work (because honestly, I don't work when I'm at work)!

    1. That is a scary thought, reading my archives in one sitting. Haha. Goodluck!

      Thanks so much for reading!!

  24. Jessica Stringer3/05/2012


    It won't let me reply under my last post so here goes....

    I'm happy to hear you rooted for the Cardinals this year. As for the picture, I guess I can forgive you since you were just a small child and didn't really have a say in what went on in your household. IF the Cardinals and Cubs were pitted against each other, I have to tell you there's just no way the Cards would let it go in 4 games! NOT POSSIBLE!

    Anyone that even likes the White Sox must have serious issues. I could say the same for Cubs fans, but I'll be nice and keep that to myself. (Ignore the last sentence.)

    Let's just forget this whole mess. I really do enjoy your blog and will continue to do so as long as we don't discuss baseball. At least until you become a serious Cardinals ONLY fan!

    I'm looking forward to your next post! As usual!

    If I happen to get tickets when the Cards play the Cubs, I'll invite you down. BUT, you can't wear Cub attire! LOL! I would have to act like we were not there together! HAHA!!!

    1. Haha!! I'm in!

      Also, Ryan totally pretends not to know me all the time at White Sox games because I'm always all decked out in Cubs gear and he's a huge White Sox fan and it humiliates him. (Which is why I do it.)

  25. I'm a new reader too linked through the Bloggess. If Jenny recommends you I knew you'd be funny. Great posts. Keep em coming!

    1. Thanks blogstalker! So happy you've found my corner of the world!!

  26. Discovered your blog a little while ago, but I'm just now fully diving in. I should have done it sooner. You're awesome! Can't wait to finish reading the saga.

  27. I was about to go to bed and found your blog through the bloggess. 20 minutes later I'm still reading your posts :) very entertaining and you and ryan are adorable. Can't wait to read the rest.


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