You've RUINED Drinking Games For Me VANESSA. And I Was So Good At Them Too. You Shut Your Mouth Right Now Ryan.



Hey blogstalkers.  So I'm always promising the second part of How Ryan Met Lauren and then not coming through.  And today... will be no different.

I wanted to get some sort of normal post up though because I feel like the blog has been all random lately and it's making my OCD nervous.

So I just thought I'd tell another of my tales of physical woe.  You might remember the first one, in which I plunged to my near-death.

This time I'm going to tell the heart wrenching story of the day my very best friend literally punched me in the face.

Who Was Involved:

Lauren - Gets Punched In Face Without Deserving It Even A Little Bit In This Story (on right)

Vanessa - Angrily Slams Fist Into Best Friend's Face In This Story (on left)

Je d├ęteste votre chapeau stupide VANESSA.

If I had a stupider picture of Vanessa, I'd post it now.  Oh wait.

She's probably only kissing this troll because she punched it in the face earlier and then felt bad.
Oh and also,

Ryan - Laughs Incredulously On Sidelines While Eating Corn On Cob, (Thanks for coming to my rescue RYAN)

Do I have any corn in my teeth?

What happened was this.  It was the summer of 2007 and I was 23 and one year out of college and had a real job and thus was obviously quite rich and had recently purchased myself a spectacular leather coat.

I was attending Vanessa's college graduation party in the backyard of one of our mutual friends.

See?  I TOLD you all my ears are unfortunate.  My dad used to make me tuck them in my baseball hat.  Thanks for the self-esteem boost DAD.

I am pretty sure Vanessa was jealous because she was 22 and just graduating college and was broke and had no leather coats to speak of.  So she was probably looking for a reason to hit me all day.

I can further prove this theory by presenting the following conversation, that I remember MOST CLEARLY.

Ryan: Is there guacamole at this party?  Oooh corn on the cob...(wanders off)

Lauren: Congratulations Vanessa!  You look so pretty today.  And smart.  You're so pretty and smart.

Vanessa: Is that a new coat? If it is then I hate you and am going to look for a reason to hit you in the face all day.  Now if you will excuse me, I hear there is corn on the cob somewhere. (storms off)

And so the day went.  We hung around and drank cheap beer and probably ate bratwursts or something.

At one point I was cleaning my glasses with my shirt and some dude I had never met flung himself at me from across the yard and produced an actual glasses cleaning cloth from the depths of his pocket and waved it at me all coyly.

And I was like "Umm thanks but I think I'm all good now."

And then he made some reference to Lord Of The Rings which I did not understand so I just said 'uh huh' and then unentangled myself from the conversation by shouting "Vanessa come here, there's someone you HAVE to meet."  And then introducing her and then backing slowly away.

This could also be the reason she punched me in the face later that afternoon.


But anyway, at some point during the day people decided that they wanted to play flip cup.  I was on Vanessa's team and standing right next to Vanessa.  Everything was going swimmingly for a couple of rounds.  We won a few games and lost a few games and the score was eventually tied 3-3.  So the next round would decide which team was the Flip Cup Victor of the day.

Vanessa had been busy drinking beers all day to celebrate the fact that she actually managed to graduate from college, so she was VERY enthused, exuberant, pumped up and basically just drunk.

The last round started off pretty well.  Boy drinks beer, places cup upside down on table edge, successfully flips cup.  Second boy does the same exact thing.  THEN...Vanessa drinks beer, places cup upside down on table edge, astoundingly manages to flip cup on first try, screams shrilly in delight, turns around and punches me in the face, both causing me terrible pain and also making me spill the beer I was attempting to drink all over my fab new leather coat.  She did it TOTALLY ON PURPOSE.

Literally seconds before my best friend assaults me in a physical manner.

Time stood still shortly blogstalkers.  And then my nose started bleeding and someone gasped and I ran into the house and into the bathroom to assess the damage.

Luckily my nose was just sore/bruisy/slightly swollen and not broken.  I waited for it to stop bleeding, iced the crap out of it and then rejoined the party.  Because really, you can't let something like your very best friend in the whole wide world punching you in the face totally on purpose get in the way of a party.

I've notified Vanessa, who remains my friend to this day because I am very forgiving and she gives good Christmas presents that this post was going up today.  She has 24 hours to write "her side of the story."  I told her if she did this, I'd post it on the blog for all to see, whether it is almost word for word the same as mine (as I would expect) or disgustingly full of heinous lies.


(My latest Christmas gift)  You other bibliophiles can deny.  But when a book gets wrote and its heavy to tote and hours to it I devote, I get tongue (tied.)  Wow that is...not my finest poetic effort.

Oh and my dad said that as long as I'm discussing all the ways I've gotten injured, I should mention the one time when I was spending the day with him at his place of work (he used to own a grocery store) and kept complaining about my hand, which was very puffy and slowly turning blue.

My dad had no idea what was going on, so he made me ice it and he splinted it and wrapped it up and then let me eat like ten egg rolls from the dairy case (which he NEVER let me do.)

Halfway through this ordeal I figured out what was wrong.  I had a hairband wrapped much too tighly higher up on my arm near my elbow.  It was cutting off my circulation.  I didn't tell my dad.  Because I was enjoying all of the attention and all of the egg rolls.

He figured it out for himself a short time later.  But by then all of the egg rolls were eaten and I was ready to take the damn hairband off, read some Archie comic books, take a good long nap food nap on the couch in my dad's office, and then go home and brag to my sister about the egg rolls and probably make her cry.  It was SUCH a good day.

Ever gotten hurt in some ridiculous manner blogstalkers?

UPDATE: Jessica made a comment (read her comment, it's hilarious) that reminded me of another ridiculous story from my childhood.  In elementary school one of the classes I was in had a bunch of hermit crabs.  One day when the teacher had to run out of the room everyone was daring each other to kiss the hermit crabs. 

Obviously I was up to that challenge. 

I was like "No big deal, I'd kiss hermit crabs ALL DAY.  Kissing hermit crabs should be my job." So I kissed the stupid hermit crab.  And then felt really sick about it.  And kept getting up to get a drink of water to try to rinse the memory out of my mouth.  Eventually I drank so much water that I vomited.  Luckily, I made it to the bathroom (unlike Jessica).  My teacher sent me to the nurse, who had to call my mom and be like "We have your daughter Lauren in the office.  It seems she kissed a hermit crab and then drank so much water she threw up."

And then I got to go home AGAIN.  I'm sorry mom.  Really.

57 comments:

  1. This was GREAT! I snorted a couple times even! :D Drinking games are amazing and scrappy friends are even better!

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    1. Thanks!

      Vanessa is pretty scrappy. She has totally wiped out in the middle of the sidewalk twice in like the last two months and both times sort of just brushed it off, even though her palms were totally bleeding all over the place.

      She told me "I'll just cry when I get home."

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    2. I can relate. I have fall down syndrome too :D

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    3. Yep, sounds like exactly what she has (and me if we're being honest.)

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    4. Let's be clear that I was fully sober in those sidewalk spills. I think I secretly just wanted to stop running :-)

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    5. Yep, sober wipe outs are the number one symptom of Fall Down Syndrome. I'm so sorry to have to be the one to break it to you. The only cure is to get a walker or wheelchair, but, like any form of birth contol, they aren't 100% safe either. :( Again, I'm truely sorry for your condition. (I freakin love you people!! :D )

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  2. Breane2/22/2012

    I was riding my bike one day and got startled by something ( probably the air ). I jerked the handlebars, swerved into the curb, flipped over the front of the bike, and landed on a fire hydrant. I had a hydrant shaped bruise next to my belly button for a month. The bike accident seems uncommon, but I'm probably the only person who could manage the perfect vault onto a hydrant.

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    1. Haha that is awesome. My little sister flipped over the front of her bike when she was little too. She landed head first on the sidewalk though and got a ridiculously large bump in the middle of her forehead. I was preeettty jealous.

      The fire hydrant thing is amazing. I give your perfect vault a perfect ten.

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    2. Breane2/22/2012

      I milked that bike accident thing for weeks ( I was 26 at the time, but I made it work). My cousin who was riding with me even bought me ice cream!

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    3. Oh My God, you were 26? That makes this story so so much better. I would have milked it FOREVER.

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    4. Breane2/22/2012

      I still bring it up every now and then. I'll tell my cousin "Hey! Remember that bike accident where the fire hydrant almost killed me? Me too!! Buy me ice cream?" It quit working after a few months. I need a new approach.

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    5. Hmmmm new approach. I'll think about this.

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    6. Breane2/22/2012

      Any help in procuring free ice cream is always greatly appreciated!

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    7. FALL DOWN AT A FUNERAL!! I did that once (ok it was after the funeral at the cemetary). My husband acted like he didn't know who I was but van loads of old people would have totally bought me ice cream about it! Wear a really long semi tightish dress so you can't totally get up from just any position and you kinda have to roll around on the ground to find the perfect point in which to stand up. It makes it look a whole lot more pathetic which means only one thing. . . WAY MORE ICE CREAM!

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    8. I'm always falling down in front of tons of people, but no ice cream yet. I must be doing it wrong. Probably need a tighter dress.

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  3. I used to fight competitively on a women's Tae Kwon Do team and, believe it or not, every single time I got hurt it was from practice fighting with my teammates (which was ridiculous considering it was supposed to be NO CONTACT sparring). So, in the year I competed I had to go in for x-rays on 3 different occasions for various injuries to my fingers, toes, and ankle--all caused by my teammates. Oh and one time one of the girls accidentally hit me in the face and gave me a bloody nose(don't worry though--I kicked her ass on the regular). Good times.

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    1. Oh so you understand the business of nose-bloodying. Bad business, that.

      Also, you are tough. I could never do Tae Kwon Do, seeing as I injured myself numerous times in a kickboxing aerobics class that actually was no contact.

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    2. Hehe...well the Tae Kwon Do thing was really a stretch for me. I just did it because a lot of my friends from the gym were doing it. I mean, my nickname on the team was Junior League if that gives you any indication of my ferocity. It was kind of empowering though. : )

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    3. Oh don't try to talk me out of my opinion. You are very tough and ferocious. Just go with it.

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  4. P.S.--I LOVE that tote bag!

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  5. Jessica Stringer2/22/2012

    One time when I was in like 3rd grade, my fellow students and I were leaving music class. While we were standing in line, we were trying to see who could put their finger the farthest down their throat without throwing up. Well, I would have won except I threw up. ALL OVER. And got to go home for the day! I tried to tell the nurse I wasn't sick but she said since I puked I had to go home. Sweet! My mom wasn't too happy, but I was! Then when I was in 5th grade we had field day and I totally only signed up for stuff I could do in my jelly shoes (because jelly shoes were freaking cool!). Some a-hole (my teacher) signed me up for a freaking mile run because the kid that was supposed to run was sick. We didn't have a nice fancy track with black top, we had a pebble/tiny rock track. My poor feet were bleeding like a mofo when I got done, but my teacher was SO proud of me because "even though you didn't come prepared, you stuck it out and did a fine job." No, I didn't come prepared, because I didn't plan on running a freaking MILE in jelly shoes. I went to the nurse and she gave me...wait for it...crackers. No band aid, no neosporin...freaking SALTINE CRACKERS! What was I suppsed to do with them? Let them soak up the blood?

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    1. Ok this comment made me laugh out loud twice. The vomiting thing so so sounds like something I would have done. I actually won a contest of sort of the same nature when I was in elementary school...I'm TOTALLY adding it to the end of this post, so check back soon.

      And I remember Jelly shoes. I had a blue pair in fifth grade. Those things were NOT comfortable but man oh man were they cool.

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  6. Everyone's stories are so much better than mine. I get hurt a lot, but it's usually something along the lines of tripping over nothing, twisting my ankle, and going sprawling to the ground. And then my husband stops and stares down at me in irritation. He doesn't understand that clumsy people can trip over nothing and end up catastrophically injured.

    Anyway, my story involves tripping over nothing, except I was hiking a steep trail down the side of a mountain. (it could be considered a really really big hill by people who have seen real mountains) At any rate, I tripped and fell and rolled down quite a few feet before coming to a rest. There was a big cut on the back of my hand (there's still a scar there) and a long cut on my knee. The best part is that we were still a couple of miles away from our campsite, so I had to walk the rest of the way dripping blood and limping. Apparently no one on our hike had ever heard of a first aid kit.

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    1. Ryan and I were running home from dinner one night because it was starting to rain and I tripped on absolutely nothing and went flying and broke a couple of fingers. So I get the clumsy, I totally do.

      And I'm sorry, really really sorry, but I laughed a little at the image in my head of someone rolling down a steep hill. And then I read how cut up you were and yelled at myself for laughing. It's nice to know at least that there are other people in this world that manage to hurt themselves as frequently or almost as frequently as I do.

      Also, I carry a first aid kit in my purse. I use it more than I like to admit.

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    2. Don't worry, I laugh when I think about it too. And I was a chunky kid, so it really was more of a roll than a tumble or a spill. I'm sure it was entertaining to watch.

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    3. Ahhhh now I feel even worse. I totally was picturing you (even though I don't know what you look like) as an adult.

      Great, now I'm laughing at a small child rolling down a hill.

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  7. This didn't happen to me. I was too perfect to do anything like this. This was my little sister though.

    For some reason, she decided that she absolutely needed to go sledding. The fact that it was a summery fall day and there was no snow to be found did not deter her one little bit. She got out our blue plastic sled and attempted to sled down the sidewalk. The sled went about two inches. My sister continued her path down the sidewalk on her face, resulting in big huge bleeding scratches down the middle of her face.

    The best part? She did this a day or two before school pictures. Eternal proof of my sister's brilliance. Whenever there are new people around, some family member pulls out the picture and loudly asks "Have you heard the story about how Carrie wanted to go sledding in the SUMMER?"

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    1. Wow. That sounds both ridiculous and painful. I sort of feel sorry for your sister and want to be her at the same time in this story.

      I think all three of my sisters and I were pretty accident prone when we were little. One of my sisters even had to go to the ER for stitches twice in one day, while we were on vacation.

      I love those kind of stories though. I'm sure your sister rued her decision at the time, but now, it's like "Heck yes I was a bad ass little kid." Or at least that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

      Also, once I had really really badly chapped lips on the day of our school photos. That is one photo that I will NEVER post on this blog. Unless enough people ask, then I might. I really have no shame.

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    2. OMG. I have a badly-chapped-lips picture too! I couldn't stop licking my lips so I had this sort of halo around my bottom lip of grossness.

      Nowadays, my sister laughs off the sledding thing. I believe her canned response is "HEY. SLEDDING IS AWESOME." And to add to the hilariousness, my youngest cousin looks like my sister's identical twin so every time someone from that branch of the family brings it up, the new people think it's the cousin who, until very recently, was still young enough to be mortified to admit that she was actually related to any of us.

      I think I need to track down a copy of the picture and scan it for the world to see.

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    3. Ahhh I totally get the halo of grossness thing. It was so bad. I can't believe my mom let me out of the house like that. But I guess I can't blame her. Chances were that I would do something ridiculous and get sent home from school anyway.

      And totally scan it! And then tell me where I can find it.

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  8. When i was about 7 (and living in Mexico), my older sister and i were supposed to get the laundry down from the terrace of our house. Actually, SHE was supposed to go up and throw it down to a big plastic tarp in the patio, while I was supposed to sit there and make sure it all landed in the plastic. Well, for some reason (ok, because i was jealous she got to go up there and i didn't!) i decided to lock my sister in the patio and climb up the ladder and be the one throwing the clothes.
    Meanwhile, my sister had to pee so bad and my mom was resting because of a bad kidney stone that no one except me could open the door. Everything was going fine, apart from the occasional cussing my sister threw at me, and i was almost done, when i decided to grab all the blankets at once to throw. Well, they blocked my sight a lot more than i thought they would, and i ended up tripping over a pipe and down i fell into the pile of clothes. My sister's reaction was to yell at me and tell me to get up as she couldn't check on me or she'd pee herself. I don't remember much after that other than my mom splashing water on my face. My sister, after she had finally gone to the restroom, was sent to discretely tell my grandpa so he could drive me to the hospital. Well, as it happened traffic was too bad for her to cross the street and tell just him, so she ended up screaming it across a crowded street. anyway, i finally made it to the hospital where they x-rayed all of me and found nothing wrong, other than sprained wrists.Thankfully, the blankets wrapped around my head and i fell on the clothes, so i escaped any head trauma. To this day, everyone in my family laughs about the time i 'tried to fly.'

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    1. Ok wow I love this story. My sisters and I used to lock each other out of the house for spite all of the time, so that part makes me giggle, especially because she had to pee so badly.

      And thank goodness for the blankets.

      I also tried to fly once without success (you can read about it if you follow the first link in this post.)

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    2. I loved that story. I thought you were lucky to stay home from school for 2 weeks, i remember i had to go back after maybe 3 days and because of my sore wrist it took me twice as long to finish any work. On the plus side, my handwriting was never neater.

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    3. Oh Boo. You should have been able to stay home and convalesce for at least a week, in my opinion. Though my opinions are often off-base.

      I've had to write with my left hand before because of a wrist injury. My handwriting was never sloppier.

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  9. Meaghan2/22/2012

    I didn't get injured too often but I do have TWO stories about me throwing up in public places in one holiday season.

    I was in the fourth grade and it was the week of Thanksgiving. My dad's parents, siblings and their spouses, and too many children were all coming to stay with us. On the last day of school for the week, one of my cousins came to have lunch with me. When my mom dropped her off I told her my stomach was upset and she dismissed me saying it was nerves. My mom didn't make it the 10 minutes back to our house before I threw up in front of my entire class because the stupid teacher didn't believe me either! So I spent Thanksgiving break in bed with the stomach flu but no one in my family cared. Since it was such a rare occasion we were all together they dressed me in an ugly hand painted sweater, slapped some makeup on me and made me go to the mall to have family pictures taken.

    A few weeks later, I was finally recovered and anxiously awaiting Christmas like every other kid. We went to church and I was all dressed up and sitting with my grandma when I started to feel that same awful feeling. I leaned over during communion and told her I had to go to the bathroom to which she responded, "Be quiet, church is almost over you can wait." She should have listened to me. As they started to take offering, I threw up down the aisle at church with my grandma running after me. I was so embarrassed. Throwing up is bad enough, doing it in front of crowd twice was horrible! I tried to make my parents move so I wouldn't have to see any of those people ever again but it didn't work. However, that was the last time anyone ignored my warnings.

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    1. Ack that's horrible!! Poor you and poor your parents/grandma. The line about trying to make your parents move made me laugh though.


      I've never thrown up in public thank goodness but my mom did have to stop the car on the way home from a weekend vacation once so I could throw up all of the macaroni and cheese I had eaten for dinner (I had overserved myself.) So I threw up, felt much better, and then announced "Someone's not going to school tomorrow." My poor mother.

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  10. Anonymous2/22/2012

    The summer after 2nd grade, I fell and slightly dislocated my hip. I managed to hide my limping from my parents for two days before they noticed I was walking funny. I am sure I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing - hence the hiding. I normally have very detailed memories of my childhood, but for some reason, this period is all fuzzy. I don't really remember how it was fixed - I didn't get a cast or surgery or anything! I was mostly sad I wasn't allowed to participate in sports though since my hip was and still is bad.

    I am no longer that scrappy young kid as I got rear-ended last Sunday and self-diagnosed a concussion and was scared to fall asleep as the doctors on TV always tell people not to fall asleep when they have a concussion. I survived the night and promptly emailed my doctor asking her if I needed a CT scan.

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    1. Anonymous2/22/2012

      Ooops! I forgot to sign off properly.

      xoxo!

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    2. I hurt myself a lot as a child and my parents ALWAYS knew about it immediately. Because along with being really awkward and clumsy, I am a huge baby and have absolutely no tolerance for pain.

      I have no idea how you could have hobbled around on a dislocated hip (no matter how slight) for two days. Yikes. You must be super tough.

      And I'm with you on growing up and being more careful. I'm obviously a hypochondriac, but still, totally understand the concussion thing.

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  11. Stefanie2/22/2012

    I can’t believe I am even telling you this because it’s just THAT embarrassing, but here goes:

    A little backstory- I am a receptionist and as a result it is very difficult for me to call in sick because whenever I am not there, the rest of the people who work in my office have to stop doing their job so that they can do mine instead which makes me feel horribly guilty and usually results in me dragging my sorry butt into work no matter how crappy I feel.

    So, about three years ago I wasn’t feeling well and my husband came from work to find me curled up in bed even though it was only 7:30pm. After a heated argument in which he insisted I call in sick to work for the next day and I insisted that I was just fine, thankyouverymuch and to stop treating me like a child, I stormed off to the bathroom in a huff. While I was in the bathroom, I started to feel light headed and the next thing I know, I am on the floor, pants around my ankles, my face hurt like a son of a b*tch and my husband was pounding on the door (which I had locked of course) frantically trying to get in.

    Apparently, I had passed out while I was on the toilet and managed to smash my face into the bathtub on my way down.

    Needless to say, I didn’t go to work the next day and my husband practically glowed with “I told you so” for a fracking week afterward. (Pro-tip: If you have to go to the ER and you don’t want to wait eleventy million years to be seen, just tell them you passed out on the toilet. It gets you seen like *that*, no joke.)

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    1. Oh My Gosh Wow. That is one crazy story. From now on when I go to the emergency room, be it for broken fingers or sliced hand, I'm using the toilet thing. Even if it makes no sense.

      Eventually all the ER nurses will probably be like "::sigh:: pass out on the toilet again Lauren?"

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  12. I can't tell you a story about myself, because for all of the stupid things I've done in life, rarely have they resulted in injury. (knock on wood so I don't break an ankle while cooking dinner tonight)

    I could, instead, regale you of the time I had to cart my husband to the ER after he played 13 consecutive hours of softball and had to have my brother and a friend drive him home. They literally deposited him at the doorstep of our apartment and left him to fend for himself because they all heard me tell him "take it easy, mr. catcher. you're not 15 anymore." They knew what was coming. He did too, and he crawled over to my car and called me from there, telling me he knew he was an idiot but he needed to go to the er so they could give him some cortisone shots.

    Then there was the time he was training for a marathon (which really confuses me to this day because, dude, I need to seriously consider whether I want to DRIVE 26 miles most days, let alone run them.) Anyway. Marathon boy decided to do his training in the middle of the day in July on an empty stomach. 16 miles. You do the math. I had to go pick him up from the park and he wouldn't go to the ER and get fluids like he needed to. It was only after I called my paramedic brother to come give him some glucose and threatened to tone out the rest of the department (of which my dad's the chief and several close friends are members) and put him through public embarrassment did he agree to let me take him.

    The best part was when they were going through the ER questionnaire and got to the part where they asked if he felt safe in his environment, he answered "usually, but i have a feeling i'm not going to be able to live this one down anytime soon..."

    16 years together. Approximately 1 ER visit per year. All him. Accident prone would be acceptable, but stupidity seems to be the ways and means for him.

    (p.s. I can't remember how I stumbled upon your little piece of the web here, but I'm glad I did. You crack me up!)

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    1. Awww you're your husband's Ryan. Ryan is ALWAYS taking me to the doctor/ER. Usually it's awkwardness/clumsiness that is the culprit but every once in a while I do something really quite stupid instead.

      Like the time I let someone wax my eyebrows with beeswax even though I am quite allergic to bees.

      Or the time when I was training for a marathon (ugh I know, I'll never do it again, promise) and my doctor was like "Your shin splints are the worst ones I've seen in a while, you're going to have to stop training if you don't want to injure yourself." And then I was like "WHATEVER" and kept running and my damaged muscles eventually snapped my bone mid-run.

      So I totally understand your husband. And my husband would totally understand your point of view. He never lets me live things down either.

      Thanks for reading!!

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  13. terri aka absolutahnie2/23/2012

    o.k. so my little story involves a new romance, drinking and personal injury! so, the new boyfriend calls and says "why don't you come over, i'll make dinner & we'll hang on the deck for the evening?!" this was big because it'd be my first "sleep over" at his place...he made a glorious dinner, we dined outside, we drank outside, we drank some more & more & more. really, i should have stopped BUT i didn't. so, fast forward to about 3 a.m. when i wake up still drunk and with a very full bladder AND not knowing exactly where i am, not a good mix. i aim for where i think the door is and walk BAM! directly into the doorjamb. i backed up a step, muttering F*CK! under my breath because i didn't want to wake HIM and continued to the bathroom. i thought about getting ice but was concerned that he would think that i was getting yet another drink so i just went back to bed. next morning he didn't mention hearing anything so i didn't volunteer any info. monday at work my friend said "you look tired today!" then my boss said "hahaha, it looks like you've got two black eyes!!!" i raced to the ladies room and yep...i really did have two black eyes. they were faint but they were there and i was oddly proud of them. when i told the boyfriend he said "oh, i heard you! how could i not? ka-thunk! hahaha!" 4 years later i live with him (in a different house) and i know exactly where the bathroom is!

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    1. Haha I love drunken injury stories (unless they are scary and dangerous.) I don't actually have any of them myself (that I can think of off the top of my head...)

      I guess I'll have to live vicariously through other people's drunk injuries.

      One of my husband's best friends once kicked what he thought was an orange traffic cone in college when they were walking down the street after leaving a bar. Turns out the orange cone was covering a fire hydrant and he totally broke his foot.

      I would have been proud of my black eyes too, just because I am always quite proud of a black eye, because then I think people might think I'm scrappy.

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  14. Anonymous2/24/2012

    Okay, I looked everywhere for Vanessas side the story and didn't see it. I wanted to post this after reading her tale, so as not to give her ammo. BUT, you write that "..she punches me in the face, both causing me terrible pain and also making me spill the beer I was attempting to drink all over my fab new leather coat." You show a picture taken just seconds before the face punching incident occurred. Except you are not wearing the coat, LAUREN. Just sayin'.. (my husband would be proud of my detective work).

    Also, my story is I took my dog out running with me on trash day. This would be fine if I didn't know he was terrified of garbage trucks. We were running along in a nice little groove when we started to cross an alley and there was a monster garbage truck. Dog gets so scared he ran directly in front of me to get away from the monster and I totally catapulted over the dog doing some sort of somersaulty thing to the cement. I was bleeding and bruised and screaming at the stupid dog and had to limp all the way home. Nora

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have Vanessa's side of the story in my gmail inbox, just waiting for her to send her pictures to post it. It's chock full of grievous untruths though, so be prepared for THAT.

      Also, I'm totally proud of your detective work, because I def didn't think about that. Or else I probably wouldn't have posted the picture. I do remember my coat getting all spilled on by Vanessa that day. So either she did it earlier or later or maybe it's like on the ground near my feet?

      Also, the second part of your comment totally reminds me of previously-mentioned Vanessa. She's fallen TWICE while running lately, once with her dog. And once she was all bleedy and scratched up.

      I can't run with my dogs because 1. I am awkward and manage to hurt myself running without them. and 2. They are afraid of EVERYTHING. Like laundry baskets? OMG worst thing ever. Rolling suitcases? Probably harbingers of some sort of terrible demise according to my stupid dogs.

      Delete
  15. Anonymous2/25/2012

    Hm, your memory sounds a bit fuzzy. Maybe you had a good amount of those beers in you as well. And I don't doubt your coat got beered. A beautiful coat too.

    I forgot the visual on my dog. He is a 70 pound boxer. He looks all big and tough but man what a fraidy cat that guy is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yeah, beer.

      I love boxers. I sort of want one. But we live in a city in a condo. So no space for a big dog. Boo.

      Delete
  16. my husband now treats me like a small child regarding safety. when he's driving, he while alert me if there's a bump coming up "bump", or walking, "step", "tree", etc. it's become very helpful.

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    1. Oh I so wish my husband would do that. It would save me so much humiliation. I think he likes when I fall.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  17. Just discovered your blog and love it!
    Hard to pick which of my clumsy ass stories to tell, but I figure the one that made my sister spew hot chocolate out of her nose when she heard should be the winner.
    It's too long to put here but let's just say it involves falling and getting stuck under a car in snow and mud on a first date three seconds before meeting his entire family.
    Sad to say that isn't my strangest or most awkward moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! So happy you're here!

      And yes that story sounds hilarious (and unfortunate.) I try not to go outside much in the winter, because of ice. Once I made the mistake of wearing cowboy boots (which have NO traction) outside in the winter (because I was taking the dogs out and they were close to the door.) It ended in a pile of Lauren and dogs.

      Delete
  18. So, since this appears to be "comment on how you've been injured [hilariously]" day, I think I'll add my own story.

    My best friend Mandy and I were... no, wait, rewind a little. My group of friends were very into WWE for awhile, and one of the wrestlers (Edge) had this Spear Face thing he would do which involved pulling his ridiculously long hair back from his face and growling at the other wrestler. Then he would run at the guy, pick him up, and fling him down onto the mat. (No one got hurt, tho, because this is all staged.)

    Then it was my other friend's birthday party and she had rented a bounce house (seriously cool) and Mandy and I were bouncing about and we discovered that you can Spear Face people very effectively in a bouncy house. Mostly because no one gets hurt when you slam them onto the giant poofy cushion, as opposed to the floor anywhere else. We were taking turns knocking each other to the ground, when I bounced not-quite-right and she hit me in the nose instead of in the belly where she was supposed to.

    I hit the floor, tears sprang to my eyes (true story), and had to spend the next twenty minutes reassuring everyone that I was fine and applying ice to my nose.

    It's ok, though, because several years ago I had hit her on the head with a biology textbook and had (depending on when you ask her) either knocked her out, gave her a concussion, or put her in a coma (for anywhere from a month to three years).

    Then we got kicked out of the library, but not for hitting my best friend over the head with a textbook. We got kicked out of the library for playing in the fountain. They need to get their priorities straight.

    There, that's about three stories of mixed hilarity. ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm way behind here because I'm just now discovering the brilliance that is your blog (I've been reading The Bloggess for awhile and just found your blog from the link on her Pony Danza post and loved the title you put on your post)! As I too am clumsy and accident prone, I had to share my ridiculous injury story.

    The outside door to my high school's gym had giant metal gates that were locked overnight but kept open during the day. One evening I was walking into the gym with my mom going to my sister's basketball game. Since I was talking to her, my head was turned to the side towards her (and not paying attention to the open gates) and I ran into the big hook-shaped latch that stuck off one of the gate doors with the side of my face. I ended up with a huge black eye that lasted at least 2 weeks and I was so embarrased to tell people I got it by running into a gate.

    Oh and that reminds me of another story. This time I was at my sister's volleyball game and I had gone out to the car to get my backpack so I could do some homework during the game (I was pretty nerdy growing up as well). I had barely taken one step back into the gym when the ball came flying at me and hit my right in the head. There was no visible damage that time, but still really embarrasing.

    I'm starting to notice a trend of my getting injured going to other people's sporting events...

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have found a new drinking games,

    They are a deck of cards witch tests already made for you to play with firends at meetings and parties.

    Has erotic themes, mini games, rules, I never...

    It's Hilarious.

    Http://www.glopgame.com/

    ReplyDelete

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