Hey blogstalkers. So I'm always promising the second part of How Ryan Met Lauren and then not coming through. And today... will be no different.
I wanted to get some sort of normal post up though because I feel like the blog has been all random lately and it's making my OCD nervous.
So I just thought I'd tell another of my tales of physical woe. You might remember the first one, in which I plunged to my near-death.
This time I'm going to tell the heart wrenching story of the day my very best friend literally punched me in the face.
Who Was Involved:
Lauren - Gets Punched In Face Without Deserving It Even A Little Bit In This Story (on right)
Vanessa - Angrily Slams Fist Into Best Friend's Face In This Story (on left)
|Je déteste votre chapeau stupide VANESSA.|
If I had a stupider picture of Vanessa, I'd post it now. Oh wait.
|She's probably only kissing this troll because she punched it in the face earlier and then felt bad.|
Ryan - Laughs Incredulously On Sidelines While Eating Corn On Cob, (Thanks for coming to my rescue RYAN)
|Do I have any corn in my teeth?|
What happened was this. It was the summer of 2007 and I was 23 and one year out of college and had a real job and thus was obviously quite rich and had recently purchased myself a spectacular leather coat.
I was attending Vanessa's college graduation party in the backyard of one of our mutual friends.
|See? I TOLD you all my ears are unfortunate. My dad used to make me tuck them in my baseball hat. Thanks for the self-esteem boost DAD.|
I am pretty sure Vanessa was jealous because she was 22 and just graduating college and was broke and had no leather coats to speak of. So she was probably looking for a reason to hit me all day.
I can further prove this theory by presenting the following conversation, that I remember MOST CLEARLY.
Ryan: Is there guacamole at this party? Oooh corn on the cob...(wanders off)
Lauren: Congratulations Vanessa! You look so pretty today. And smart. You're so pretty and smart.
Vanessa: Is that a new coat? If it is then I hate you and am going to look for a reason to hit you in the face all day. Now if you will excuse me, I hear there is corn on the cob somewhere. (storms off)
And so the day went. We hung around and drank cheap beer and probably ate bratwursts or something.
At one point I was cleaning my glasses with my shirt and some dude I had never met flung himself at me from across the yard and produced an actual glasses cleaning cloth from the depths of his pocket and waved it at me all coyly.
And I was like "Umm thanks but I think I'm all good now."
And then he made some reference to Lord Of The Rings which I did not understand so I just said 'uh huh' and then unentangled myself from the conversation by shouting "Vanessa come here, there's someone you HAVE to meet." And then introducing her and then backing slowly away.
This could also be the reason she punched me in the face later that afternoon.
But anyway, at some point during the day people decided that they wanted to play flip cup. I was on Vanessa's team and standing right next to Vanessa. Everything was going swimmingly for a couple of rounds. We won a few games and lost a few games and the score was eventually tied 3-3. So the next round would decide which team was the Flip Cup Victor of the day.
Vanessa had been busy drinking beers all day to celebrate the fact that she actually managed to graduate from college, so she was VERY enthused, exuberant, pumped up and basically just drunk.
The last round started off pretty well. Boy drinks beer, places cup upside down on table edge, successfully flips cup. Second boy does the same exact thing. THEN...Vanessa drinks beer, places cup upside down on table edge, astoundingly manages to flip cup on first try, screams shrilly in delight, turns around and punches me in the face, both causing me terrible pain and also making me spill the beer I was attempting to drink all over my fab new leather coat. She did it TOTALLY ON PURPOSE.
|Literally seconds before my best friend assaults me in a physical manner.|
Time stood still shortly blogstalkers. And then my nose started bleeding and someone gasped and I ran into the house and into the bathroom to assess the damage.
Luckily my nose was just sore/bruisy/slightly swollen and not broken. I waited for it to stop bleeding, iced the crap out of it and then rejoined the party. Because really, you can't let something like your very best friend in the whole wide world punching you in the face totally on purpose get in the way of a party.
I've notified Vanessa, who remains my friend to this day because I am very forgiving and she gives good Christmas presents that this post was going up today. She has 24 hours to write "her side of the story." I told her if she did this, I'd post it on the blog for all to see, whether it is almost word for word the same as mine (as I would expect) or disgustingly full of heinous lies.
|(My latest Christmas gift) You other bibliophiles can deny. But when a book gets wrote and its heavy to tote and hours to it I devote, I get tongue (tied.) Wow that is...not my finest poetic effort.|
Oh and my dad said that as long as I'm discussing all the ways I've gotten injured, I should mention the one time when I was spending the day with him at his place of work (he used to own a grocery store) and kept complaining about my hand, which was very puffy and slowly turning blue.
My dad had no idea what was going on, so he made me ice it and he splinted it and wrapped it up and then let me eat like ten egg rolls from the dairy case (which he NEVER let me do.)
Halfway through this ordeal I figured out what was wrong. I had a hairband wrapped much too tighly higher up on my arm near my elbow. It was cutting off my circulation. I didn't tell my dad. Because I was enjoying all of the attention and all of the egg rolls.
He figured it out for himself a short time later. But by then all of the egg rolls were eaten and I was ready to take the damn hairband off, read some Archie comic books, take a good long nap food nap on the couch in my dad's office, and then go home and brag to my sister about the egg rolls and probably make her cry. It was SUCH a good day.
Ever gotten hurt in some ridiculous manner blogstalkers?
UPDATE: Jessica made a comment (read her comment, it's hilarious) that reminded me of another ridiculous story from my childhood. In elementary school one of the classes I was in had a bunch of hermit crabs. One day when the teacher had to run out of the room everyone was daring each other to kiss the hermit crabs.
Obviously I was up to that challenge.
I was like "No big deal, I'd kiss hermit crabs ALL DAY. Kissing hermit crabs should be my job." So I kissed the stupid hermit crab. And then felt really sick about it. And kept getting up to get a drink of water to try to rinse the memory out of my mouth. Eventually I drank so much water that I vomited. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom (unlike Jessica). My teacher sent me to the nurse, who had to call my mom and be like "We have your daughter Lauren in the office. It seems she kissed a hermit crab and then drank so much water she threw up."
And then I got to go home AGAIN. I'm sorry mom. Really.