Two Because I Need One For Each Hand and Butter Knives Because Otherwise I'd Just Hurt Myself

So a month ago or so, at about 3pm on a Sunday, I was lying upside down on the couch with my legs hanging over the back, probably still in pajamas, humming myself a sweet tune.  And then Ryan and I had the following conversation:

Ryan: What are you even doing?

Lauren: Trying to decide between taking a nap and reteaching myself how to knit fancy scarves.

Ryan: First, you have only ever knitted one scarf and I think we both know it was crap and second, maybe instead of napping you could do something about the bedroom?  It's a mess.

Lauren: YOU'RE telling ME to clean while you sit there on your computer and what? Research man slippers?

(seriously that boy has bought like eight pairs of slippers online recently and sent them back for various ridiculous reasons)

Ryan: Actually I'm paying bills, Hey do you know what this $37 charge at Garrett's Popcorn Emporium is from?  Lauren?

Lauren: (shouts over bedroom wall) I've decided to clean the bedroom today.

And then I cleaned out my bedside table because it was the only thing in the bedroom I could tackle while simultaneously lying in the bed.

And there, nestled in the back of one of the drawers amongst all of the old magazines and cotton balls and the two butter knives I keep next to the bed for safety purposes I found my very first cell phone (that I had for like three years because I was so broke in college) - still attached to the charger.

So obviously I plugged that shit in.

And then I died of laughing at all of the old text messages I'd saved.

I thought I'd share a few.

December 19th, 2002 (our first Christmas together)

Ryan: Have fun Christmas shopping today babe.  But remember all I really want for Christmas is you.
Lauren: That's good since I'm not getting you anything for Christmas.
Lauren: Because you are a big fat Jew.
Lauren: I hope all you want for Hannukah is also just me.
Lauren: Otherwise you're going to be a very disappointed boy this year.
Ryan: That's nice Lauren. 

October 2nd, 2003 (when Ryan had a nasty cold)

Ryan: Thanks for the video game and the soup. 
Ryan: I told everyone I have the best girlfriend ever.
Lauren: What!? Who is she?

April 22nd, 2004 (during finals)

Ryan: How's studying going?
Lauren: Good, just taking a quick donut break.
Ryan: Lovely.
Lauren: Haha yeah.
Lauren: When I left the library Oma and Vanessa were still sitting at our table.
Lauren: So I was like "Bye Sluts"
Lauren: And then Oma was like "Hey I'm not a slut!"
Lauren: And I was like "I know, I was talking about Vanessa twice."
Ryan: How do you even have friends?

March 17th, 2004 (Ryan on Spring Break with his friends)

Ryan: Get down to the beach.
Ryan: OJ is about to enter a contest drinking rum out of a baby bottle.
Lauren: You meant to send that to someone else?
Ryan: I did.

November 21st, 2004 (I'm guessing home for Thanksgiving?)

Ryan: Want to go bowling?
Lauren:  The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected.
Ryan: I'll take that as a no then?
Lauren: Correct, No.

and finally, because my husband is going through a monstrously tough time right now and I love him super a lot.

July 2nd, 2005 (when I was working as a cashier at my uncle's grocery store for the summer)

Ryan: How's work?
Lauren: Oh you know, weigh carrots, scan cereal, steal KitKat, shoot self in face
Ryan: That bad huh?
Ryan: I'll take you to dinner and a movie tonight?
Ryan: Someplace nice even.
Lauren: Thank God for you.

Also, Uncle Bob, if you're reading this, I didn't actually steal any KitKats from your store (because Twix are much more my style.)  What? No. Seriously though, that was just a joke.

 I did however, secretly read my book at the register every single day.  Sorry!

Oh and if anyone is wondering why Ryan sent back the most recent pair of slippers, it was because the soles weren't "suited for outdoor use."

Probably because they were slippers.  For inside the house.  But whatever.

I really hope Ryan doesn't start wearing slippers out on dates or something.

Because one of us is enough.

Love you blogstalkers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. Ok, I just have to say you are freaking ADORABLE! Poor Ryan and his slipper issues - my Big Bag of Man Candy has the same issue with "suitable for the outdoors"... Men clearly feel entitled to lounge ANYWHERE! Sheesh! (Ah yes, and LOVE LOVE LOVE the butter knives doubling as weapons! They put my spork to shame!)

    1. Thanks! I love being called adorable. Especially through a computer screen since you can not then see that right now I am in fact wearing a teal velour robe, my glasses, and have my hair on top of my head. At least I have on lipstick. Ladies ALWAYS wear lipstick.

      Oooh sporks...hmm..nope won't work for me. I'd just be tempted to keep like pudding or something in my drawer as well. So that the sporks could double as both safety precautions and eating utensils.

    2. Hahah Lipstick totally classes things up! At least that's what I tell myself when I'm sporting a towel on my head because I have totally convinced myself I have arthritis and thus can't always be bothered with actually styling my hair EVERY DAY (it's too short to wear on top of my head and additionally the towel helps hide my wonky ears ;) ).... mmmm... pudding.... Trouble with sporks is they make it really trying to get that last bit of pudding at the bottom of the cup with those miniature tines! (I can justify my lack of hand-eye coordination in far too many ways to count!)

    3. 1. I almost never do my hair and I don't have arthritis.

      2. My ears are also wonky, there's a picture of it in the last post.

      3. I just use my finger for the bottom of the pudding cup. Ryan thinks it is gross. But oh well. Haters gonna hate.

  2. 1. i, too, have an uncle bob. he lives in florida and does not own a grocery store.

    2. tell ryan to buy THESE puppies: they DO have soles suited for outdoor use. and they are really warm and cozy but totally breathable. at least that's what my boyfriend says. who got them for christmas. lauren, come to think of it, maybe if you stepped it up in the slipper giving department, ryan would step it up in the ruby giving department. i mean i didn't get rubies in return, but i did get something equally as awesome... foster the people concert tickets.

    3. garrett's popcorn is amazing. i've only eaten it once and i'm obsessed.

    i think that's all for my bulleted list... it IS friday. i'm feeling lazy.

    on a separate note... you and ryan are in my thoughts and i am sending you good vibes as we speak... i hope things get better for you both.


    1. 1. I wonder if our Uncle Bob's know each other? They would have to right? I mean, we know each other and we don't even have the same first name, just middle name.

      2. I'm pretty sure those exact slippers have been ordered and returned for some reason or another. And I have totally given up buying him slippers, because it is pretty much a guarantee that he is not going to like them.

      3. Garrett's is amazing. And full of butter. So double-amazing.

      Thanks for the good vibes. We need them fo sho.

  3. I am not allowed to have anything to protect me near the bed...or in the bedroom...because I have night terrors. One time I told Simon I had a dream I stabbed him with the pair of scissors in my make-up box and the next day they were mysteriously gone. Simon does not come off well when I start my sleep walking/talking episodes with bad dreams. One time I nearly knocked him out.

    1. Oh I have the night terrors too. I've written about it at some point. But I am not coordinated enough mid-night terror to actually open a drawer and remove some sort of weapon.

      I'm almost not coordinated enough to do it when I'm wide awake.

      Mostly I just flail about and shout and throw myself off the bed during the night terrors.

      My little sister sleepwalks though, so I totally know how that goes. I had to stop her from walking outside in the middle of the night in shorts and a tanktop in the middle of winter.

      Your stabbing dream made me giggle.

    2. It made me giggle too. Simon says it's inappropriate for me to do that though.

      I am a bugger to wake when I have one and I scratch, bite, punch, flail! One of the first times he saw me have a night terror he assumed I was awake due to my eyes being open. He dropped his guard and apparently I just looked at him and punched him hard on the nose. HE STILL MARRIED ME. Now he knows if my eyes are open and I look like I'm conversing with him I'm probably still awake.

      One time, on a not so 'terror' sleep walk (we had just moved into our new house and it was empty) he woke to hear banging in one of the spare bedrooms. He went in search of the noise which turned out to be me banging the floor with a hard soled shoe. I told him I was busy building an ark so he shouldn't get in the way unless he could 'pass me that plank over there'.

      Oh, and another time, one of his friends needed a place to stay for a few weeks and one night he came home and sat downstairs to watch tv (we were asleep). I was sleptwalked out of the room yelling at Simon that I was going downstairs to kill the giant snake (which turned out to be his friend). His friend actually had to get in on the act and had to yell up the stairs 'I'm a snake but I'm leaving now' and open the front door and shut it again, pretending to go outside. He moved out pretty sharpish after that...or maybe it was the fact I organised his wardrobe into sleeve-length order on my day off once.

    3. This may be my favorite comment of ALL TIME. I'm seriously like sitting here wheezing and hiccuping after laughing too hard.

      My husband's father used to have the same sort of dreams. My mother-in-law would wake up to him "trying to hold the walls up" or attempting to smash the fan because he thought it was an octopus coming to attack them.

      I LOVE the ark dream and the snake dream. I seriously can't decide which is my favorite. They are both amazing and hysterical.

      And I totally get the wardrobe thing. I organize my shirts by sleeve length and then additionally by color.

    4. I had a sleepless night because there were typos in my comment. Good job it wasn't a spelling/grammar related night terror.

      I quite enjoy the ark episode. I mean, who builds an ark? Oh...

      Pssst...giveaway time on ze blog.

    5. I honestly didn't even notice the typos. Was laughing too hard and eyes were blurry from tears.

      Commented on your giveaway because I love your crafties but totally don't let me win, shipping would probably be abysmal.

      Also, I'm totally putting your comment as "Best Comment of Last Post" at the bottom of my next post. I'll hype your giveaway if you like as well. Although that means you might get some more US commenters.

    6. I will post internationally. I post to the US a lot because I have friends in far places.

      You are the only follower of the blog (the other is spam, methinks) so your chances are good at the moment!

    7. I'll talk you up a little on the next post. Hopefully it'll garner you a comment/follower or two!

  4. Carly M.2/24/2012

    LMAO, I TOTALLY remember the "slut" comment during finals. Vanessa is still your bestie though, so it all worked out.

    When Alex and I got the home phone, we needed a nice cordless unit, but didn't feel like coughing up a ton of money. It was then that I remembered that I had my super fancy and expensive cordless phone in storage somewhere that I used in college. Once I found it and plugged it in, I had like 68 voice messages saved. Many were inappropriate, all were hilarious...

    1. Yeah Oma and I had that quote on our Instant Messenger profiles for like years in college. Poor Vanessa. I really do feel for her sometimes. She's chosen a hard lot in life.

      I remember your cordless phone! You used to change the outgoing message like every day. I ALWAYS knew where to find you because your message would be "I'm at the library but expect to eat dinner in Simpson around seven and return home before ten."

      I was such a Carly stalker in college.

  5. Breane2/24/2012

    I keep a butter knife in my bedside table drawer as well. It's not only useful as a weapon, but it can double as an emergency back scratcher at 3 am, when I can't wake up my boyfriend to defend me/scratch my back.

    1. I wouldn't know about the back scratching. I have really extremely awkwardly long arms and can like grab my wrists going over both shoulders behind my back (does that make sense?)

      Also, I suggest you add a second butter knife, just to try it out.

      If you hold one in each hand and do fancy ninja moves you actually feel sort of powerful.

    2. Butter knives are for amateurs. My policy is scissors in every room. Yes, I really do have policies.
      Love, OL

    3. Unfortunately scissors are just much too sharp for me. I'd have to use the children's safety scissors.

  6. Bethany2/24/2012

    I love that you are hilarious even when you are not entertaining the masses.
    My husband is actually looking for new slippers too. About 4 to 5 halloweens ago we dressed up as Care Bears (which did take considerable talking into for him), and he was the green one (naturally) so we bought these big green furry bear-like slippers. While we did win the couples costume contest that year, he STILL is wearing the slippers. Not only are they falling apart and leaving green fuzz chunks all over our house, they are basically death traps and hes actually fallen several times now wearing them. I honestly make him take them off before he carries our baby up or down the stairs. So ANYWAY, if Ryan finds a good (safe) pair, let me know! And thanks for cracking me up today, as always :)

    1. First, I am super jealous that your husband dresses up with you on Halloween. My sister and I made Ryan be The Three Little Pigs with us one year and now he absolutely refuses to consider doing anything with me again.

      Second I am jealous that you have a baby.

      Third, the big green slippers thing is making me laugh because in college I had a pair of huge polar bear slippers that Ryan eventually decided were his for walking around my dorm/apartment. They got super slick as well eventually. Used to crack me up.

      I'm not sure when he got so picky about slippers.

      I'll let you know when he finds ones that are neither too hot nor too cold but that are, rather, just right.

  7. I believe that it is a law that everyone must have an Uncle Bob, because I totally do, so does my husband.

    I read your blog out loud to Sean (aforementioned husband)and he just sighs at me. He does that a lot. I wonder if it's a disorder?


    1. My husband totally has and Uncle Bob as well. Weird. Never even thought about it.

      I read comments out loud to Ryan all the time as well, and he does the exact same thing. It's definitely some sort of man-disorder.

  8. Awwwwwww! This one put me in my happy place! <3 I don't have an uncle Bob though :( I do have an Uncle Dwight though! :D

    1. Haha the name Dwight always makes me think of The Office and then of the episode where Michael in on the roof and yells "Dwight you ignorant slut."

      Which is SUPER inappropriate in the context of talking about your uncle I'm sure. But I just can't help it.

      Glad to have helped with the happy place thing.

  9. I HAVE AN UNCLE BOB AS WELL!!! Ahem. Just thought you'd like to know. I wonder if it's a conspiracy. Or some type of alien plot. Maybe all of the uncle Bobs ar aliens? This was not what I was going comment at all! Moving on.....

    I saved emails from the hubs from when we started dating, and he aw always so sweet. It's "because he was wooing me" he says. Now it's things like "hey, be home late." who says romance s dead?

    1. So sorry for all those typos!! I promise I am not drunk . . . Yet. :)

    2. ::sigh:: Romance is probably dead here. Ryan used to send me such sweet text messages and now all I get are reminders to make sure the DVR is recording correctly and random reflections on sandwiches.

      And no worries on the typos, I usually have to edit my posts like three times and still don't catch everything.

      And there's definitely an Uncle Bob conspiracy of some sort. DEFINITELY.

  10. At least once a day my husband looks at me with this blank stare and says, "Seriously. That is the worst thing you've ever said." Sometimes I even manage to impress myself!

    I need to write them all down and have him tell me which was really the worst. Just so I know where I need to improve.

    1. And since you called Ryan a "big fat Jew" I wanted to share my Jew story.

      I'm not Jewish.
      But I was at Jungle Jim's (the BEST grocery store EVER! It's like It's A Small World at Disney. Every country has it's own aisle and there's a lion dressed up like Elvis. Do you need any more proof?)
      Anyways, there was a kosher section and I, not being Jewish, wandered in to see what kosher-ish things they had.
      A man and boy walked in behind me.
      Boy leaned over to his dad and said, "Daddy, is she Jewish?"
      The father quickly glanced and me and whispered, "I think so. Look at her nose."

      Insert sad face and lifelong paranoia about my nose here.

    2. Oh Oh! I get that too! Sometimes Ryan will be all "Please say that again." so I do and then he's like "Yep just wanted to make sure I heard that right." And then he walks away.

      I want to know all of these 'worst' things you've ever said. Make a list and then send me a copy.

      And anything that reminds me of Disney is wonderful in my book. I love that place. And now I'm googling this Jungle Jim's you speak of.

      Also, I'm sure your nose is just lovely. Because everyone that reads this blog is lovely in every way possible, obviously.

  11. My husband is a total slipper slut. Puts them on the minute he walks in the house and wears them year-round, even in summer. Let me tell you, nothing sexier than a hairy-legged man wearing shorts and sheepskin slippers. I'd buy him a pair every Christmas and every Father's Day because he'd go through them so fast. But, i bought him these 2 Christmases ago and they still look new! And he's wearing them every day. I fully admit to wearing them during the day since I got laid off too. Just don't tell him. He's not a good sharer.

    BTW, stumbled on your blog from someone else's (can't remember whose though) and think you're a riot! Thoroughly enjoying your ramblings! I'm from the northwest burbs of Chicago so I feel like we're neighbors. ;)

    1. Ryan is a total slipper slut too. His current pair are Ugg slippers that are like three years old, hence the looking for new slippers. He's ordered new pairs of Uggs but thinks they're too hot and his feet can't breathe or something.

      I wear Ryan's slippers to take the dogs out, but don't tell him, because then he'll hide them and I'll have to put on actual shoes every time I take the dogs out. And that sounds awful.

      And welcome neighbor! I'm assuming you're awesome. We might be moving North soon so then we might be like ACTUAL neighbors.

    2. That would be fun! We could hang out in our husband's slippers eating cheese and watching reality television.

  12. Juicy Juice2/28/2012

    YESSSSS!!! I made it into your blog! Lauren, you just made my day! Woohoo!

    PS: Just so you know, I won that contest :)

    1. This is actually the second time you've made it into a post OJ. But I guess the first one was just a picture of you and me.

      And of course you did. I'd expect nothing less of you.

      I assume you want me to give Ryan a hug and a kiss from you tonight?

  13. There are people who don't organize their shirts by sleeve length? I don't want to know those people. I guess I am commenting on a comment and should put it with that comment but alas I don't think I will. Found you through the Bloggess and have not stopped cracking up.

    1. So glad you've made your way over here!

      I also organize my skirts by length. Which is easy since they're all pretty much the same length.

    2. Just so y'all don't think you have the market cornered on closet crazy -
      It takes me *hours* to put away laundry because not only do I have to organize my shirts by sleeve length, I also organize them by color, then shade within color - light to dark and pastel to vibrant; plain to printed within shade, within color; and plain/printed/casual to fancy, within shade, within color, within sleeve length. And they all have to be on the same kind of hanger within sleeve length section. All of my empty hangers have to be in order by type, then color within type.(Seriously, my cheese would totally slide off my cracker if I didn't)

      It's *exhausting*!! Thus, laundry is rarely actually "put away". I don't know why I'm ok with it all clean and mixed together on the floor of my closet, but as soon as I try to hang it, I get all twitchy and obsessed....

      Hmmm...I ought to add that to my "Things To Bring Up In Therapy" notebook, which I forget pretty much every time I *actually* go to therapy LOL

    3. Haha oh Shelley. I think you're probably like my long-lost sister. I don't do the casual/fancy thing but I am right there with you on everything else. All my short sleeve shirts are on black hangers and all my long sleeve shirts are on white hangers. My skirts are on navy hangers...etc.

      My clothes are also rarely put away.

      Maybe I should mention this to my therapist too?


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