Colin Firth If You Are Reading This, And I Assume You Are, How You Doin?

My little giveaway is still up and running until tonight at 12AM CST, so drop by and leave a comment if you haven't already.  I'm been compiling a box of goodies (and baddies, is that a thing?) all week and let me tell you, whomever wins this prize, is going to be, let's just say, quite surprised.  Hopefully in a good way.

But anywho, I promised you regular posts, and since I always keep my promises, away we go!

Ryan read this over my shoulder and was all like "You promised me you would take the Christmas tree down by January 5th, and yet..." 

And then I was all "Yes, but I didn't say of what year."

 And then he was all "I don't think you understand how promises work." 

And then I was all, "Don't get your hopes up, I know exactly how promises, and vows for that matter, work."

Moving on though.  So I bit the bullet and joined a gym today.  And hired a personal trainer.  Here is a story about my last personal trainer.

PT: So Lauren, how are things going on the diet front?  Been following the plan I set up for you?

Lauren: Absolutely. To The Letter.

PT: So how is it then that you have something that looks suspiciously like strawberry jam on your face?

Lauren: MotherFucker*.

*Sorry blogstalkers, sometimes swear words are necessary.  Plus that is actually what I said.

And then my physical trainer fired me.  For real for real.  I think partly because of the jam incident (it was actually raspberry jelly) and partly because one time I tripped and tried to grab at him to keep from falling and ended up accidentally de-pantsing him in the middle of a crowded gym (he was wearing meshy shorts underneath the pants but still.)

Or as the incident report for the firing stated "Repeatedly missed sessions."

So get ready for some personal trainer session stories.  And also for the excuses I email my personal trainer to miss my personal training sessions.

So what else is interesting in my life right now.....

I keep forgetting that at my new desk at my new job the garbage can is on the right and not the left, so I usually have a small pile of trash sitting on the floor under my desk on one side and an empty garbage can on the other.  People have started to notice. 

Not interesting huh?

Ok well I'll just end with this then.  Here is a list of the things that people have googled to reach this blog.  Y'all are some crazy ass mofos yo.

hot men wet - ummmm

muppet soccer socks - I have a feeling this was Ryan.  He says it wasn't and that he doesn't even play soccer anymore and that even if he did there's no way he would wear soccer socks with muppets on them to play because he plays with work people and the socks combined with the fact that I managed to steal his phone and change his ringtone to the muppet babies theme again might make them think he is weird.  And then I was like "So you WOULD wear them if you didn't play with work people though?"

moustache Justin Timberlake - I even like you with a moustache Justin! I'll bet Jessica couldn't say that. 

baby peppermint candy cane in wrapper

Andy Samberg hot  - I know right?!

"wearing one shoe" - from this post  - but seriously who googles this?  Like who gets to work and is like "Oh crap, I'm only wearing one shoe today, I must check out what the internets say I should do."

"braless on my" - from this post - but again, who googles this?

Justin Timberlake met baard - what?

ladies in long underwear AND ladies long underwear - both from this post, when I made Ryan wear pink ladies long underwear, poor Ryan.

Preschool notice wash hands

t rex arms

Sidenote: Justin Timberlake if you are reading this, and I assume you are, do not read the next sentence.

blake shelton don't make me - Blake Shelton if you're reading this, and I assume you are, you can make me do anything you want.

gay candy cane - like the rainbow colored ones?

my husband didn't get me anything for anniversary - from this post This makes me sad.  Whoever googled this to get here, send me your address and I'll send you a little something.  I hope you like gay candy canes.

That's all for now, remember to check back in tomorrow to see if you won!


  1. Waaaait. Hold the phone. How do you find out what people google to get to your blog???

  2. @Estephania

    When I look at my stats, under traffic sources, blogspot lists keywords at the bottom of the page.

    It's my favorite stat. I text them to Ryan.

    For example he has a text from me that says - hot men wet - and nothing else.

    People would be really confused if they looked at his texts from me.

    Not just because I send him google searches either.

  3. What a great discovery! I once did a blogpost on "typing up my husband" (we had to tie up his arm when he broke his hand to elevate it, blah blah blah). Apparently people have searched "tying up husband" and gotten to my blog.... hahahaha

  4. @Estephania


    Today I got, "I vomited on my dog."

    Like who googles that?

    Just give the damn dog a bath and then maybe lay down for a little while.

  5. hahahahaha this post is hilarious! I'm kinda jealous. I never have anything fun like that in my stats. But I am definitely nowhere near as funny as you are!

  6. @Lindsay

    Thanks Thanks Thanks!!

    I love when people tell me my writing is funny. Because I think in real life I just comes across as awkward and odd.

    I even get comments like "You're so funny on your blog, who knew?"

    And I'm like "Thanks?" and then I fall down or something.

  7. @Lindsey (again)

    As you were bemoaning the absence of good keyword search stats, I have searched your blog for an odd combination of words, then googled it and clicked on your link when it popped up.

    So you should have a fun little stat from me now.

    Let me know if it doesn't work.

    If anyone else is wondering what I googled it was: Balls, "They are safe for eating"

    It came from her Christmas baking post.

  8. I love checking my stats for the search words. Once I wrote a post about having had a few (like, ten) drinks too many and how I invented the word escalavator because I couldn't say escalator (I'm not a drinker so I was out of my element and I was also trying to get back to my hotel room. Slowly.). Anyway, people have searched for that word. I don't know that if I'm sad that I didn't invent it or if I'm happy that someone else speaks Emily...

  9. Hahaha, thanks SO much for trying it, but it didn't show up. At least not yet. HILARIOUS, though. I wonder why it doesn't work for me. Maybe I have some weird setting wrong?

  10. @Lindsay

    Oh man, I was really hoping that would work. I promise I tried!

  11. @Emily

    My husband makes up words all the time. I'm going to have to tell him about this escalavator thing. He'll probably love it. And I'm going to say you did invent it because it's plausible that all of these other people thought of it after you. So there you go. You're a wordsmith! (That's what my husband calls himself.)

  12. I could possibly live with having a personal trainer telling me how to work out, but I could not deal with someone telling me what to eat. Or what not to eat. No way. I figure if I work out enough, I can eat what I want. I just have to work on that first bit.

    I would love seeing what people searched to get to my blog, if I had a blog. Maybe I should start a blog again, just for that reason.

    1. Yeah I didn't much like my first personal trainer. He made me keep a food journal too. Which just means I had to lie in my food journal (read: exclude all cheese-based items) as well as to his face, but still.

      And yeah, I need to work on the working out bit too, hence the gym and the probably evil trainer.


  13. Bethany1/12/2012

    "Whoever googled this to get here, send me your address and I'll send you a little something. I hope you like gay candy canes."
    I honestly laughed out loud. I think its way harder to be funny in writing than it is in person, so great job and thank you!

    1. No Thank YOU. Because seriously if someone writes a joke on the Internet and no one reads it, is it still funny?


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