If Any Of You Were Under The Impression That I Have Moves Like Jagger. This Post Will Prove You Wrong.

So I know I promised you all the second part of How Ryan Met Lauren but that is going to have to come later this week, since it will include a TON of old pictures and I just got a new scanner and am still figuring out how to make the damn thing do my bidding.

Unfortunately I have learned that, unlike my husband, the scanner does not respond to thinly-veiled threats and lots of kicking.

So that post is still in the pipeline, it's just taking longer than I anticipated.

To pass the time, I thought I'd tell the tales of a few of the many many times I have managed to get myself grieviously injured over the last 28 years.

In Which I Learn That I Can Not, In Fact, Fly.

Age: However old one is in third grade.  I could figure this out I suppose.

Location: The gym at my elementary school.

Other Pertinent Info: I was, for reasons I can not possibly fathom, not wearing any underwear that day.  Which was quite embarassing for my mother at the hospital.  Oh yes, I go to the hospital in this story. 

So when I was in third grade, I had not yet grown into my monkey arms (as pictured in this post.)  And I was very awkward.  But, like a real monkey, I was also very good at climbing things.  So I got really excited every year when it was time for the gymnastics unit in gym class.  Because I could scramble up the climbing rope like no other, and then get a very fancy certificate and the praise of everyone in my class (and even some fourth & fifth graders!) for doing so. 

When the fateful day finally arrived, I made sure I was wearing nylons under my shorts because I had this theory that nyloned legs were grippier than non-nyloned legs (apparently nylons also render underwear superfluous?)  and donned my lucky pink denim vest. 

And then I caught the bus to school.  On which I probably read Little Women for the eightieth time.
And then I probably learned how to spell 'principal' (your principal is a Prince of a Pal) and then probably got yelled at for eating Oreos in class (this happened, let's just say, more than once.)

One thing that I remember for sure is that I was a ball of anticipation until the hour for gym class finally arrived. 

When it was my turn to climb the rope, I threw myself at that thing like some sort of wild banshee and started wrestling my unclad butt to the top.

I felt the room go quiet as I neared the red bandana that (if I touched it) signified that I would indeed earn my climbing certificate that day.  And then something went very wrong.  As I made to reach up to grasp that beacon of grade school acclaim, my arms got sort of crossed and tangled together and I lost grip of the rope.  And I fell, approximately 19 feet as estimated by the paramedics, which is bullshit, since I know for a fact that the bandana was 20 feet from the ground.

And I landed on a thin mat.



Not A Thick Cushy Mat Like This Landing Mat.  Also, No One Was Holding The Bottom Of My Rope.  The Early Nineties Were VERY Dangerous Times.
 And it hurt.  And I screamed and cried and all that.  And an ambulance and my mother were called.  And while we waited for them to arrive, Dale, the janitor, sat next to screaming crying me, and told me a story about how when he was little he tried to put a large rock on one side of a teeter totter and then jump on the other thinking the rock would fly over his head.  But then it actually just landed on him.

And then the paramedics arrived and made me wiggle my toes one thousand times.  And then strapped me onto a board and loaded me into the back of the ambulance just as my mother arrived.

And then they busted out the siren and drove me to the hospital.  Where it was discovered I was not wearing any underwear and oddly was instead wearing nylons under jean shorts.

XRay, XRay, XRay.  Blah Blah Blah.

Miraculously I was going to be ok.  Just a few broken ribs, a back that was pretty destroyed and painful, and some toes that were sore from all the wiggling.

And then I got to stay home from school and lay on the couch and have my meals brought to me for TWO WEEKS.  And I got like fifty cards and presents and even a balloon bouquet.  And my mom made me cakes on the daily yo.  And then I went back to school and was extremely popular and awesome and my teacher told me that if I ever felt like I needed to walk around to ease my back to do so, even in the middle of class. (She regretted THAT.)

And I decided I was done climbing down ropes.  It was obviously more to my benefit to climb up them and then just fling myself to the ground.  And I couldn't wait until the gymnastics unit the next year.

But then climbing ropes were outlawed at all of the schools in the district.  And I had to focus on other challenges.  Like how far it was possible to lean back in my chair before falling into the kiddie pool that housed 29 crayfish (not as far as you would think.) (No crayfish were harmed.  And I got to go home early because I was all wet.)

But anyway that, my friends, is the first time I can remember being seriously injured.  Unless you count knocking my front tooth out on the monkey bars in second grade seriously injured.  (I got to go home early that day too.)

Does anyone else feel sort of sorry for my mom right now?

Here's what's coming up next:

Best Friends' Fist to Face

Line Drive to Face ( I get hit in the face a lot.)

Broken Leg From Blatantly Ignoring Doctor's Advice

An Allergy I Consistently Decide To Pretend Does Not Exist

Digging Up Hornets Nest And Then Being Chased By Hornets

Very Serious Sunburn (Which it seems addled my brain enough to make me shout ridiculous things in the middle of Nordstrom)

Be excited blogstalkers.  I do all of these things for you.  Not because I'm ungainly and invite disaster at every turn.


41 comments:

  1. Well now my reasons for being sent home seem pretty lame. I peed myself ON PURPOSE one day in the 3rd grade so they'd let me go home. Instead they just made my mom bring me clean clothes. Lame.

    Then one time I was doing flips on the monkey bars, because the swings were SO 4th grade at this point and I fell off into the sandy gravel pit of doom they kept below those things. The best part was I was in mid flip when it happened, so I kind of went skidding across on my head...shaving off a large chunk of the back of my hair. Let me tell you, that was not a good look for me.

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    1. Ok, the peeing on yourself on purpose thing, just made me laugh out loud at work.

      Honestly looking back, I think my teachers looked for reasons to send me home. I was a weird and difficult student. My mom always insisted it was because my classes didn't interest me because I was too smart for them. I think we all knew she was wrong.

      And your monkey bars story, ouch. Made me cringe.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous1/31/2012

    I feel bad for Dale, the janitor. That had to have hurt. Lauren, as many times as I have heard you reference this story, I have never laughed so hard. Thank you for making my afternoon much more entertaining. Now back to doing auditor-like things....

    Also, I look forward to hearing the recap of best friend's fist to the face. I may need to start thinking up a good rebuttal...

    Vanessa

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    1. The best thing about this story, is that it is one hundred percent true and not exaggerated even a little bit. I really wasn't wearing any underwear.

      And yes, if you'd like, think of a rebuttal, and I will totally post it at the end of my recounting of that day.

      Although I'm not sure there's much you can say. Except "It's true, I totally punched Lauren in the face. And then claimed it was an accident."

      Delete
    2. At least I was wearing underwear.

      Delete
    3. You know Vanessa, I WANT to believe you on that. But really there is no way of proving it.

      Delete
  3. I have been testing my body's durability for many years now. My husband states I'm not accident prone, I'm just dangerous. I am aboard the train of thought that things are out to get me.

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    1. Oh totally. I definitely believe that things are out to get you (and me.)

      Sometimes I wish the universe would spead the accidents out a little bit better. Like my husband, never hurt. Me, probably will break my arm tonight or something. It's unfair.

      Delete
    2. Open-toe shoe season is like A&E season for me. My most recent toe disaster was little toe and one next to it either side of a metal table leg at a rather fast speed. Look at your toes...could you get a thick metal table leg between them easily? Unsure? Well, I did the research/experiement for you so you don't have to and it turns out you can't without snapping the bones. YOU'RE WELCOME.

      Delete
    3. Oh my God, Oh my God. OWWWWWW!

      Totally made me shudder.

      One time I got a papercut on my eyball, and I still can't think about it without shuddering. I have just added your story to the list of things that will always make me do that.

      Delete
  4. Yeah, one time, I was getting out of the car and I put my hand on the centre pole between the front and back doors to pull myself out. My friend then slammed the door shut behind her as she got out of the front and crushed my fingers between the pole and the door. That makes me shudder everytime I think back.

    Pray tell, how does one get a papercut on her eyeball? That's a whole new brand of 'Ew.'

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    1. Unfortunately the papercut story isn't an interesting one. Just furiously flipping through some paper at work one day and SLICE!

      I got to go home early that day too.

      And I have actually never gotten my fingers slammed in a car door. It is the one injury that eludes me. I'm pretty happy about it.

      Delete
  5. Hahaha. Thanks for saving my Tuesday!

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  6. I think you should write a strongly worded letter to the janitor that informs him he needs serious counseling due to his need to one-up an injured third-grader.

    :) Cam

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    1. I have a feeling he was just trying to make me think of anything but the fact that I was basically broken in half, but now that you mention it...that was kind of braggy DALE.

      Also, I totally win.

      Delete
  7. I recently found your blog thru the bloggess and I'm in love! also I want to tell you my 3rd grade tale of woe: so one morning waiting at the bus stop, me and the other kids were playing some game that involved running back and forth across the street, when I skidded out on some gravel and ended up destroying my knee--seriously, huge gaping hole. all the other kids were impressed and oohed and aahed, etc. so because back then I was a dumb kid (now I'm a dumb adult, tyvm), it didn't occur to me that, idk, maybe I needed medical attention of some kind.

    so I clambered onto the bus, gaping leg hole and all, and continued onto school. It wasn't until midmorning when my teacher caught me showing off my leghole to all the other kids and screamed (seriously, I made Ms. Dunn scream. It was the highlight of the year) before summing the school nurse who arrived, took one look at my leg and said, "Yeah, you're going to need stitches." She drove me to the ER where they had to give me 27 stitches (5 internal ones!) and a helluva lot of antibiotics before releasing me to my mother, who I'm pretty damn sure made me go back to school the very next day...that heartless shrew!

    after reading your post, my momma now owes me cake-for-2-weeks.......plus interest, which I'm pretty sure means I'll be eating cake daily for the rest of the year.

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    1. Melissa! Thanks for reading! Sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment, I was being tortured by my evil 90 pound personal trainer at the gym.

      And that story. Umm woah? That is ridiculous. You are one tough girl for not running home crying to your mommy, which is totally what I would have done. It's stupid, but honestly I'm still impressed, at 28 years of age, with the fact that you just went to school, even though that leg hole had to hurt like crazy and was probably all bleedy. Looks like I'm a dumb adult too (tyvm.)

      Good luck with the cake thing. I suggest chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. I like chocolate.

      Delete
  8. Just found you from Jo's site. You are one funny chica. I am down with your form of insanity.

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    1. Why thank you. I like to think it's a special form of crazy that rules my life. It's probably just regular crazy though. ::sigh::

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    2. Nope, it's special. Trust me on this.


      I'm pretty sure that I was the rock Dale was referring to.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Jo!

      And I'm not even sure why, but your comment just made me laugh enough that Ryan was like "What's so funny? If it's a blog thing, don't tell me."

      See? You're funny. I TOLD you, and I am sometimes right.

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. Yes I'm sure you look back fondly on all of my broken fingers and blackened eyes.

      Delete
  10. Found you on the Bloggess...love it! Just left Chicago for Toronto in the wonderful world of public accounting, which is why I'm surfing the internet and drinking coffee at 4:30 p.m. -- So excited for a new daily read!

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    1. Hey! Sorry your comment totally got spammed somehow, which is why it wasn't showing up until now. I assume it's because accounting is SO scandalous (basically number porn.)

      So excited to have a new daily reader!

      Delete
  11. I just discovered your blog today and, my dear, you are freaking hilarious. I will be back. Oh, yes. I will. (Did that sound creepy? I wanted that to sound creepy -- but in a 'not really creepy,' but more of a 'funny pretend creepy' sort of way.

    Sending a prayer out to your father-in-law, too. Hoping for the best.

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    1. Thanks Janene! Totally creepy in a non-creepy way. Totally got it.

      Delete
  12. Monsieur Le Wonderful2/03/2012

    How about the time your arm went numb and turned purple and black. We were really worried until it was discovered you had a scrunchee tightly wrapped around your elbow. Whew!

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    1. All I remember about that day was that you let me eat like seven egg rolls to make me feel better. Come to think of it, I probably did the scrunchie thing on purpose, you know, for the egg rolls.

      Delete
  13. Anonymous2/10/2012

    There's an infamous story in my family re: accidents & not wearing underwear. My Grandmother always used to tell my Mom & her siblings to 'wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident!' I mean, that would *clearly* be the worst part of your day, right?

    Flash forward to my Uncle Pete going through his crazy, rebellious days. He's riding his motorcycle somewhere in France in the late 60's when - you guessed it - accident! He swears that the only thing he could think of while being carted off into the ambulance was: 'Oh my God...I'm not even wearing underwear! Mom was right!' So, you're not the only one, my friend.

    Also -- the story from the janitor made me laugh out loud. He clearly saw that in a cartoon. Male children make me nervous!

    --Anon Y. Mouse

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    1. Haha at least I was only in third grade and wearing no underwear. If I was an adult and that happened, I would be HUMILIATED.

      One of my bloggy friends actually once got caught at the emergency room in college wearing Care Bear underwear, which totally cracks me up.

      And me personally, I'm so excited to have any children, be they crazy male children or crazy female children. (I assume my children will be crazy regardless of sex.)

      Delete
  14. Anonymous2/18/2012

    I want to hear the allergy story (I have my own allergy story which involves many years of eating said allergin with a handful of antihystamines and now contains a grumpy doctor telling me if i ever do it again I will be carrying an epipen for the rest of my life)
    daiq.livejournal.com

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    1. Ugh, the allergy story is going to be hard to tell. It involves my love of cheese you see. It's heartbreaking.

      What was your allergy?

      And I've got the epipen already on account of being allergic to things that sting on account of digging up a hornets nest when I was very small and getting an overload of venom.

      Delete
    2. Oh also, I tried to check out your site, but was blocked. Boo.

      Delete
    3. Tomato, which is in everything that is tasty! Pout! And i forgot, blog is locked and this was my first time commenting here.
      Daiq

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    4. Ack not tomato! That's terrible I'm sorry. OMGosh can you not eat pizza?

      No worries, thanks for commenting!

      Delete
    5. Technically no Pizza, but I have discovered our one woodfired gourmet pizza place in town will make me a tomato free pizza, as will one of the major delivery chains (Eagle Boys will - Pizza Hut and Dominos will NOT). So I love those places!
      Daiq

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    6. Phew. At least you get to eat SOME pizza. I was really worried for you.

      Delete
  15. I attended catholic school until third grade. Up until 3rd grade, all the girls had to wear jumpers and dark blue tights. In this outfit, I had to play on the playground. I fell down constantly, always running or chasing something or someone. The bad thing about tights and bloody knees is that when the blood dries the tights become affixed rather permanently to your knee. Ripping that off at the end of the day hurt worse than the injury. Before long, I got smart and stopped crashlanding during recess.

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    1. I seriously just shuddered reading that comment. I wear tights a lot as an adult and I am really surprised I've never skinned my knees while wearing them. That sounds so painful.

      Delete

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