Happy Happy Birthday To Me And To No One Else, Just Me

So today isn't my birthday.  But tomorrow is.  And I will be turning whatever age it is that means you are old enough to have babies.  (Hopefully that age is 28.)

I have no special plans and Ryan probably doesn't either since he tends to drop the ball on things like birthdays and ten year anniversaries.

If anyone is feeling particularly bad for me because of this and feels the need to send me a present in the mail, I will provide my address on request.  Please make sure to ship everything overnight so I will actually receive it on my birthday.  I like things that are purple, polka-dotted or made of lace.  I also enjoy a good artisanal cheese from time to time.

If you don't yet feel enough sympathy for me to send a pity gift then please read the below and reconsider.

So here are the awkward things I have already done today.

One - I managed to inadvertently offend a cab driver when I got in and remarked that his cab smelled like peanuts.  I really and truly did say peanuts.  What the poor man thought he was experiencing though was a seemingly proper young lady entering his cab and telling him it smelled of 'penis'.  So then he started to gesture wildly toward the door and tell me that I could just hop back out of the cab if the smell bothered me so very much.  And then I was like, "No no it doesn't bother me, it smells like Wrigley Field in the summer." (Obviously unaware that he still thought I had said penis.)  And then he started muttering in a different language and shooting me odd looks.  And then he was like "OHHH YOU SAID PEANUTS, yes I was eating peanuts right before you flagged me." And I was like "What did you think I said...OHHHHH." 

So that happened.

And then I got to work and a very sweet coworker had made me mini cupcakes and brownies to celebrate my big day.  She actually sent an email to the whole company (it's a small company) alerting everyone to the presence of delicious things in the kitchen. 

And I meant to just send back a reply that said "Oooooh."  But I got effing auto-corrected and somehow managed to send her an email that contained only one word and that word was "Poop."  For realz.  And then I realized it like ten minutes later when I was looking at my sent mail and freaked.  And ran down to her desk yelling "Oh My God Nicole, I didn't mean to send you POOP."  So you know, just compounding on the crazy, what the eff else is new. 

Eventually everything was reconciled.  And now I just have to deal with the fact that I keep accidentally giggling in the middle of tax meetings because I am thinking about either the penis ordeal or the poop disaster.

See?  This is my real life and the only thing that will make me feel better is presents.  Please don't accidentally send me poop.

Love you!

Also sweet blogstalkers, you don't actually have to send me presents of course.  Just the fact that you take time out of your busy days to visit my little piece of the internet is present enough for me.

But if you REALLY want to get me something.  I LOVE comments.


  1. Happy Day Before Your Birthday, sweetheart. And Happy Birthday tomorrow.

    I've shipped you an ostrich, it should arrive tomorrow. Don't mind the rash on it's butt, I'm sure it's temporary. Also, don't wear red hats around him, he doesn't like it....and will attempt to head-butt the owner of the red hat. Other than that, he's a lot of fun!

  2. Hahaha Well, if I could, I would have a purple, polka-dotted lace baby that doesn't smell like peanuts sent your way! But I can't promise there wouldn't be any poop involved.

    I would do that if I could. While I was at it, I'd send one my way, too! But maybe mine would be green and striped.

    Anyway, happy birthday!

  3. @Jo

    Do boy ostriches lay eggs? I have always wanted to eat an ostrich egg. And scrambled ostrich eggs for breakfast on my birthday sounds delightful. Also, do you know where I can purchase an ostrich saddle. Then I can take the ostrich to work instead of cabs.

  4. @Lindsay

    OMG I seriously want a purple baby now. Which is a really bad thing to want since they don't exist. Maybe I can just get a regular baby and then dip it in grape juice hmmm..grape juice stains permanently right?

    Thanks for the birthday wish!

  5. In case i forget tomorrow, Happy Birthday Lauren Rae. Mine is May 27th and I want grandbabies. Thank you, your Mother

  6. @Mother

    Tell it to Ryan Lisa. Tell it to Ryan.

    And if you forget my birthday, I'm forgetting yours.

  7. Happy Birthday tomorrow, Lauren! My birthday is August 28. All I request is frequent updates on this blog from now until then. Is that too much to ask?

  8. @Estephania

    I'm working on it! Three days in a row is good right? Plus I'll be back tomorrow morning with a giveaway in celebration of my birthday (because I have SO MANY readers.)

  9. I do feel for you for the awkwardness, but the fact that it makes you giggle should be your consolation.
    Happy Birthday! (It's past midnight here, so I don't feel the need to say "for tomorrow"). I don't think anything sent would reach you in time, so here's a shiny new comment. Enjoy. Hmm, I am not at all comfortable promoting myself this way. My comment might not be enjoyable at all. Oh well. Enjoy your day anyway.

  10. @Lisa

    I very much enjoyed your comment, so I think the self-promotion was very accurate and appropriate. You might even say necessary.

    It's past midnight!? Where are you?

    And as far as the giggling goes, I learned a LONG time ago that if I'm going to be awkward and embarrassed pretty much constantly, I have to just go with it.

    You enjoy YOUR day (or night) as well.

  11. I'm glad.
    In the far away land of Sweden.
    I wish I could giggle more at my embarrassments.
    Thank you.

  12. Oh POOP that's embarrassing... haha you gave me laughing material for awhile! And I don't think I'l ever be able to eat peanuts with a straight face again. Loved the blog entry..... Ted actually just snapped at me in the car and asked, "do you REALLY have to laugh out loud?" I told him that yes, it was REALLY that necessary. And that he was being mean. Happy Birthday from both of us!

  13. @Vanessa

    Making people laugh is my very favorite thing to do, so telling me that was a really good birthday present.

    And yes, the poop email is going to haunt me at work for a long time. I just hope it doesn't turn into some sort of nickname.

    That would be REALLY unfortunate.

  14. Oh my God, I am laughing so hard. Life is funny.

    It also made me remember about earlier today when I was at the mall with Andrew and I started fumbling through my purse while waiting to receive our smoothies. Andrew asked what I was doing, I answered "I'm looking for my clip." As in hairclip.

    Well, that's not what he heard, because he looked at me like I was crazy and whispered "You don't say stuff like that outloud Christine!" I was like "What are you talking abo... ohhhhh!"

    Apparently Andrew thinks I comment on my hoo-haa (which is what I actually call it in public. Or a Pikachu. Or vagenitals. Anyways..) in front of Booster Juice employees and that I don't know female anatomy (since I was looking for my clitoris in the bottom of my purse).

    Also, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY! May it be the Year of the Baby.

  15. @Christine

    Thanks for the Happy Birthday!

    It's not even late since I make Ryan celebrate for an entire week.

    And the purse story is priceless (made me giggle.) And I'm stealing the word vagenitals. I have already used it once. My husband was less than pleased, but what else is new.

  16. Awesome! I totally made it up one day while working for Passion Parties. It's going to be a thing this year, I can feel it.

    Also, men are less than pleased in general when it comes to talking about lady bits. I had to make up a dragon-conception-style story to exlpain periods to Andrew when we were first going out. I think he somewhat enjoyed it. I guess if you say the uterus is a fort stockpiling for an upcoming war, it's not as gross.

  17. @Chrisine

    Ryan is actually not so bad. He did used to downplay cramps and say that there was no way that they were as painful as I made them out to be with all my complaining.

    I got pretty sick of that, so one day I karate chopped him in the abdomen and said "Now we both have cramps."

    He shut up about them after that.

    And then I went and iced my karate-chopping hand.

  18. Anonymous1/10/2012

    Birthdays should always last a week! Think of all the frosting & champagne involved...::Homer Simpson drooling sound::

    I detest "reply all" or inter-office emails as it always seems to lead to temporary brain-farts for me. Suddenly, my spelling & syntax is back to junior high level & I have to send out 3 quick email blasts with embarrassing corrections. That's why I do everything via singing telegram -- it's much harder to fuck up.
    --Anon Y. Mouse

  19. @Anonymous

    I think if I did everything via singing telegram there would be a much greater chance of me getting fired than if I just continue to send the word "poop" in emails.

    I'm not even kidding.


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