And Then Ryan Got Mysteriously Axed In The Mouth

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I will begin this post with a warning that has nothing to do with the following story, hopefully this is not too late for anyone.

Never, and I mean never ever, get Axe antiperspirant spray in your mouth.

I'll spare you the details, but seriously, worst afternoon ever.  I feel like I'll never be able to spit again.  Not that I make a habit of spitting.

Oh! Idea! Do you know someone that spits entirely too much?  I have the solution to your problem.

Axe them in the mouth.

Both Axe antiperspirant spray and a real axe would probably work.

But moving on.

If you've read this blog before then you know that Christmas is my most favorite day/time of the year.

And you probably know that Ryan isn't all too keen on Christmas.

And you've probably thought "GOD, that Ryan is Soooo lame, does he like any day of the year?"

No?  Just me then?

Well to answer my own question then, turns out yes he does like one particular day of the year.  I'm actually not sure how I didn't know this until now, Ryan probably thought he had to keep it a secret when we weren't married so I wouldn't dump his rude butt.

Ryan's favorite day of the whole year is the day I geek out on Pride and Prejudice. (Which means I watch the five hour BBC version starring the-one-and-only Colin Firth followed by the two hour newer version starring Matthew MacFadyen who is OK too and then reread my favorite parts of the actual book and then swoon a little.)

Is it weird that I would genuinely like Ryan A LOT more if his last name were Darcy?

I didn't even actually realize that I did this every single year but APPARENTLY I do.  And APPARENTLY Ryan anticipates this day with longing and excitement.

So this last Sunday I got out of bed, drank some chocolate milk and pondered how to spend my morning.  I decided to finally pack away the few remaining Christmas decorations that were still littered throughout the condo.  I was completing the task just fine until I got to my Christmas movies and Pride and Prejudice happened to catch my eye.

So I pulled it out of the cabinet.

And then I heard SOMEONE quietly squeak from the couch behind me "Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god, it's here, and during playoffs too, oh my god."

So I turned around and was all "What is here exactly?"

And Ryan was like "Oh umm nothing, just an update for one of my iPhone games."

Which was actually plausible because Ryan is very interested in stupid iPhone games with girly names like "Tiny Wings."  But something seemed fishy. 

"I will figure this out you know," I said to the suspiciously happy Ryan sitting on the couch.

And then I watched seven hours of Pride & Prejudice.

While Ryan watched seven hours of football and ate homemade tortillas. (I'll get to that in a bit.)

When I finally exited the bedroom stretching, in a Pride & Prejudice-induced stupor, Ryan looked up from where he was laying on the couch, giggled, and said "Done so soon?"

And then I figured it out.

"Are you kidding me Ryan?  The thing that was making you so deliriously happy this morning was the idea of spending the day without me?"

"It's just that, and don't take this the wrong way, but when you watch those movies, you don't say anything to me for SEVEN HOURS.  And I can do whatever I want.  And you don't talk to me for SEVEN HOURS."

"You are in so much trouble for this I hope you know that."

"You don't text me and you don't call me and you don't try to convince me to take the dogs out because you have a headache and you don't tell me stories about how your dad built your brother a treehouse but never built you a treehouse and you weren't even allowed in your brother's treehouse for SEVEN HOURS."

and then he got a dreamy look on his face and whispered "Seven beautiful hours, once a year."

"Well I hope you enjoyed it this year Ryan, because it's the last year it's going to happen."

"Haha there's an empty threat if I've ever heard one.  There's no way you can go too long without watching those movies."

"No you're right, I can't.  Which is why we will from this day forward be spending my birthday enjoying those movies, together.  And if you say one thing about it I'm throwing in Gone With The Wind."

And then he muttered something about getting a treehouse that I wasn't allowed in or something, I didn't quite catch the exact words.

Don't feel too bad for him blogstalkers.  Those homemade tortillas he was eating earlier were made using my brand new tortilla press & cast iron skillet.  You know, the ones Ryan got me for my birthday.  Because, you know, tacos are HIS favorite food and he prefers them with homemade tortillas.

Also, the storage unit key is missing again.  I'm pretty sure Ryan has started to hang out in there to get away from me.

Also, I was speaking to Colin Firth last night on the phone, recapping the Golden Globes and he wanted me to reassure you all that he is not in fact a racist.


  1. You know that this was just perfect in every way....sneaky little Ryan getting outsmarted yet again by beautiful Lauren. HA!

    1. I am VERY beautiful. It's how I tricked Ryan into marrying me.

      Ryan is going to read this comment and be like "You know that's not true Lauren. It was blackmail that did the job."

      Which is totally true. Beauty HA!

  2. Anonymous1/18/2012

    (Which means I watch the five hour BBC version starring the-one-and-only Colin Firth followed by the two hour newer version starring Matthew MacFadyen who is OK too and then reread my favorite parts of the actual book and then swoon a little.)

    This all sounds very intense. I can only assume that you wear pajamas & that wine & chocolate is involved. Am I revealing too much?
    --Anon Y. Mouse

    1. Well pajamas are pretty much involved in every part of my non-work life (grocery shopping, dentist appointments, etc) so you've definitely got that part right.

      But wine gives me a headache. So I don't drink it. Which I realize is total and utter blasphemy coming from as fabled a cheese connoisseur as myself.

      I prefer whiskey.

      Also I seriously just had to google if the word 'total' has one L or two. Seriously Lauren? You *might* want to cut back on the whiskey.

  3. Juicy Juice1/18/2012

    HAHAH!! That husband of yours is BRILLIANT! I'm buying my girlfriend a copy of that movie!! (Jansen, I'm just kidding.... or am I?)

    Please tell that dreamy husband of yours that we are going to be starting a tortilla line at Signature Baking Company, so if he comes down to Dallas, I'll make him all the tortilla's he can handle!


    1. Or you could just come here and make tortillas?

      And I hope if you do buy your sweet Southern girlfriend the movie that she puts her sweet Southern foot down and makes you watch it with her. While giving her a foot massage and feeding her berries of some kind.

  4. Pride and Prejudice is amazing, and I love the picture on the banner. It's such an adorable picture. You seem very snarky and quirky. It's wonderful.

    Also, he should have realized his favorite 'holiday' would disappear once you found out. Either that, or he should have taken acting classes in high school.

    1. Thanks for the pic compliment - clearly it rained on my wedding day (and then snowed all night resulting in us being unable to fly to our honeymoon location the next day) - so I take comfort in the fact that at least the pictures turned out OK (and in the general fact that I somehow managed to trick someone into marrying me.)

      And I don't even know if acting classes would have even helped Ryan when it comes to me.

      He can't help but be incredibly pleased with himself when he does something evil. So when I come home to him hopping from foot to foot and giggling, I know I can expect some sort of disaster to ruin my day/life.

  5. I love the various versions of Pride and Prejudice, including the Greer Garson and Laurence Olivier version. Then, I read "I prefer whiskey." You're clearly awesome and I'm going to have to read your blog regularly from now on.

    1. I love the Olivier version too but sadly do not own it and thus it doesn't often make it onto my viewing schedule.

      And thank you for calling me awesome. (Although some might argue that it's not as clear as you suggest.)

      I take it from your name/picture that you ride horses?

      I LOVE riding and am very unaccomplished at it.

    2. Yes, the name/picture combo is very subtle isn't it? I have a blog where I write about my experiences in the often crazy world of horses, in the hopes that I can someday parlay my only two life skills (writing and riding) into some kind of career.

      As long as you enjoy riding, that's all that matters. According to the definition of Caroline Bingley, who among us can claim to be accomplished anyway?

    3. ::sigh:: I just have one life skill, I am excellent at the gameshow Wheel of Fortune.

      Caroline Bingley would never find me accomplished. Which is fine, because I don't even care what Caroline Bingley thinks, seeing as how she is fictional.

  6. Ah, Colin Firth. If any man could make me straight, he's a good bet.

    What happened to the comment page? It's all changed. Don't like change. But I shall not let this discourage me from commenting of course.

    1. Some of my readers were having trouble posting comments with this new format, so I changed it back temporarily. I'm looking into using a third party commenting site so everyone will be all happy and chatty.

      And yes Colin Firth. He's one of the good ones.

      I married one of the bad ones.

  7. Have you seen the miniseries "Lost in Austen"? It belongs as part of this day. You need it... stop reading this comment and go order it / add it to your netflix cue. OMG :)

    1. Oh I've totally seen it. I spent the better part of a weekend watching it a couple of years ago. And I really really wish it would happen to me. ::sigh::

      None of my wishes ever come true though. Ryan says it's because they are all unreasonable. And then I say "YOU'RE unreasonable and run out of the room."

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