Five Things Friday - Really Really Random Things That Happened In My Life This Week

One – Got Obviously Hit On By A Doctor.  Ok. So I hate to admit this but I am probably, just a little bit, kind of a hypochondriac.  Ryan swears I have my doctor on speed dial.  (I don't, but my phone did save our vet as a "favorite contact" because I might call him a couple of times a week when one of my dogs eats a stick or barks weird.) I do, however, spend a lot of time physically in the doctor's office.  So much time actually that I have started to rotate which doctor in the office that I see so that no one individual doctor realizes what a crazypants I am.  Anyway, something lovely happened this week when I was just hanging out with one of my doctors, checking up on some suspiciously brown-colored moles and making sure it was normal that I sneezed seventeen times in one day when I didn't even have a cold and that it was ok that one of the times that I sneezed I also coughed at the same exact moment.  What happened is this.  The doctor told me that I have the cleanest ears he's ever seen.  True story.  At the time I was all like "Oh..umm..haha..yeah..heee..thanks..qtips."  But then I got home and I maneuvered a couple of mirrors in such a way that I could look inside my own ears and seriously you guys?  Those things are CLEAN.  And I am oddly proud of it.  And now whenever Ryan comes home and is all "LAUREN, dear lord, what did you even...gone fifteen minutes and... THIS PLACE IS A MESS."  I can be like "Yes darling perhaps, but have you seen my ears?"

Two – Got Obviously Ditched By My Sister. My sister Jordan, my maid of honor, one of my best friends, moved to Arizona - SUPPOSEDLY.  She went to school in Arizona and has been talking about moving back for a little while now and finally decided to do it.  She found a job and a place to stay and packed up her things and left Thursday morning.  At least this is what she tells me.  And I did believe her at first, I really did.  I even bought her a going-away sweatshirt and wrapped it in Disney princess paper and taped a GIANT Reese’s peanut butter cup to the top and then went to her going away dinner and told her I’d miss her (she was oddly silent in return now that I think about it.)  And then today?  I see that someone on Facebook checked Jordan in to a restaurant in ChicagoOne that is seriously ONE BLOCK away from where I work.  In CHICAGO.  And in retrospect, there were only like four people at her “going-away” dinner.  And when I told Jordan I’d come visit her she WAS like “Are you sure Lauren?  There are scorpions in Arizona and scorpions are veeerrry stingey.”  So now I’m pretty sure she lied about the moving away.  And I’m not sure why.  Whatever though, I don’t need her anyway.  She was always borrowing my books and then never giving them back.  And you know what?  The joke’s totally on her.  Because she left her GIANT Reese’s peanut butter cup at my house.  And I am going to eat the crap out of it.

I *THOUGHT* We Were Good Friends JORDAN.

Check out the body language and her fake smile.  Things are definitely going downhill here.  How did I not notice?

Three – Showered Every Single Day. This is history-making for me.  It’s going in the Guiness Book of Lauren Records. 

Totally unrelated question, shaving your legs in the sink counts as a shower right?    

Four – Hatched A Brilliant New Plan To Get Justin Timberlake To Notice Me.  I have decided that I am going to start a twitter account dedicated solely to tweeting exactly what I imagine JT is doing at any one moment in time.  Like, say, Wednesday evening at 7:42 pm.  “Standing all sorts of shirtless on my balcony and watching the sun set over the Hollywood sign.”  Or Saturday afternoon at 3:07 pm.  “Breaking up with Jessica Biehl.”  I figure at some point someone that knows someone that knows Justin is bound to notice and then fill him in.  Ryan just thinks that if this actually happens JT will think I am being “beyond creepy Lauren, seriously, do you hear yourself sometimes?”  But I think he’ll be more like “This girl is my soul mate, how did she know that I enjoy a cold glass of Yoohoo as soon as I get up Monday mornings at 8:25 am?”  And then he will come running into my arms and when Ryan is all “I’m sorry Lauren, I was wrong to call you creepy and to lie about eating the last piece of string cheese yesterday.”  I will just be like “Oh Cry Me A River Ryan.”

True.  For Now.

Five – Took Proactive Steps To Ward Off A Serious Breakout I Could Just FEEL Bubbling Under My Skin, Waiting Until The Day I Had A Fancy Wedding To Attend To Make It’s Appearance. 

Ryan: WHAT are you doing?
Lauren: Preventing zits CLEARLY.  (I may have had like four to seven Biore nose strips on my forehead, cheeks, chin and obviously nose at this point.)


Ryan: You are NOT seriously trying to get in bed like that?
Lauren: What do you mean?
Ryan: Your face is covered in toothpaste.  What is wrong with you this week?

I am pretty sure Ryan is going to be the next one to “move away.”

What’s up with you blogstalkers?

Why Yes, I DO Know How To Photoshop. Quite Well Too, If I'm Being Honest.

PLEASE USDA.  That tiny bowl will not even fit one serving of macaroni and cheese, let alone the whole box and then one more box. 

Come On USDA, Live A Little.

There.  I have fixed it for you.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

Five Things Friday - Words about Words Edition

Bear with me blogstalkers,  I have been dealing with a pretty acute case of writer's block this week and I'm going to try to break through it to post Five Things Friday.  If it sucks then I apologize, but my only other alternatives were to not post anything, which tends to garner me some nasty Facebook comments, or to have Ryan guest post, which would be worse than not posting anything.  Because no one would even understand the post.  Because he makes up words.  Words like ellipticize (like exercise and elliptical combined) or squoze (apparently an underutilized tense of the verb squeeze.)  And last weekend at his family's lake house he actually asked me if I wanted my ribs q'd or unq'd, which was actually sweet because he knows I'm not always the biggest fan of BBQ sauce, but still.  I try to call him out on making up words and he's just like "Not everyone can be a wordsmith Lauren.  Also, I am not just making up random words, I am creating words to fill in the obvious gaps in the English language."

UPDATE: I sent Ryan the first paragraph to make sure he didn't have any other creations that he wanted me to mention and he was all like "It's good, but you spelled squoze wrong."  As if there is a right way to spell a word that DOESN'T EXIST RYAN.

Ahhh....Nothing like a little Ryan-bashing early in the morning to loosen the death grip writer's block had on my proverbial tongue.

Moving On.

In the spirit of the first part of this post, let's talk about five of my very favorite REAL and EXISTING words.  Why Lauren, what a nice little segue.

1. Scrappy.  I think I just really want someone to describe me as scrappy.  Like maybe I look like I eat too much Brie (haha Brie, please LAUREN, don't you mean you eat around the moldy pieces in the bag of shredded cheddar?) and like I have long noodley arms but if you cross me you had better watch out. It's just like a really awesome adjective.  Unfortunately, I am most definitely not scrappy.  I usually deal with conflict by running away.  It's my innate flight or flight response.  A couple of years ago I actually started taking a self defense/kickboxing class at my gym to up my scrappiness, but it didn't really work.  Mostly because I have ZERO balance and so every time I had to do a high kick I just fell over.  For real. I fell in that class so much.  I took it so I could beat up evildoers but just ended up beating myself up in the process.  Ryan finally sat me down one night when I was icing my butt and was like "Listen Lauren, I know you yearn to be scrappy, but I actually think you might be safer if you stopped taking this self defense class."  And then I was all "::sigh:: alright Ryan, if you really think it is for the best, I will stop working out."  And then I ate five oreos to drown my sorrows.

Ryan sometimes carries me around so I don't hurt myself.  Ryan sometimes forgets to get his hair cut.

2.  Magical.  It makes me think of Harry Potter and Disney World and My Wedding and Christmas and Snow and how the city sometimes actually gets kind of quiet between 3 and 4 am.  It's also a word I like to use as a retort pretty often.  Like when Ryan makes all sorts of big plans for us on the weekend and he's all "So tomorrow I thought we could head to Home Depot because we need lightbulbs and then maybe stop at Wendy's for lunch on the way home.  Oh and we need to grab some more dog food.  And actually, as long as we're out we might as well try to find me another pair of boat shoes."  And I'm like "Sounds Magical Ryan.  Maybe when we get home we can put on some uncomfortable clothes and clean out the dogs' ears."

3. Slumber.  This might just be because I was so tired this week that I actually considered pulling a George Costanza and taking a nap under my desk at work.  I was so tired this week that I started to think bears don't have the worst life in the world.  They just get to eat as much honey and fish as they want all year and then take like a six week nap.  I halfway wished I was a bear this week.  A BEAR.  That's how tired I was..wishing I was A BEAR, my most mortal of enemies.  This word also brings to mind all of the slumber parties of my youth when my friends would freeze each other's bras and play Truth or Dare (I dare you to put on this Dr Pepper-flavored Lip Smackers and then go tell Britney's brother you think he's totally cute and then kiss him on the cheek) while I would just lay all flat-chested and braless on my sleeping bag and read my book all night.  I think their moms made them invite me.  And then my mom made me go.  

Freshman year of high school.  How did I not have a date to homecoming, my eyebrows were glorious.

 4. Vestibule.  This is not one of my favorite words.  But apparently it is one of Ryan's since he suggested I add it since it is "fun to say."  He's sort of a dimwit.  Actually, when I told him what my Five Things Friday was this week he was like "Oh, is vestibule on the list?" Like it would be crazy to make a list of awesome words and not include the word vestibule.  I don't think I've ever even heard Ryan use the word vestibule until today.  I didn't know he loved it so.  Honestly though, if I have to include one of Ryan's favorite words I'm glad it is one he never uses.  Because if I had to include the words/phrases he uses the most this list would be all : 1. No LAUREN 2. I SAID NO LAUREN 3. Snrrrkkkkle gip gip (that is a very close approximation of the sound of him snoring every night for the rest of my life.) 4.  Hey dummies (to the dogs) 5. Taco.

5. Hoodwink.  Honestly I just really really want an opportunity to shout "I've been hoodwinked!"  It is such a weird and funny word.  Every time I see it when I'm reading a book, I laugh.  I don't know why.  I think people should start using this word more in everyday life.  Like if my friend Vanessa were to say "I was going to go work out but then I got hoodwinked into eating cheesecake with Lauren instead."  Or if the next time Ryan was mad at me he were to put his 'special' spin on the word and be all "Lauren, I've had it with this hoodwinkery."

That's all for now folks!

P.S Whoever first invented cheesecake is my hero.  My life would be so much worse if I couldn't reasonably eat cheese for Dinner AND Dessert.

P.P.S. Here is another picture of me in my glory days.  Younger me was much braver.  I would never do this now.  Because of the threat of getting pinched by a crab, obviously.

That DOES sound like a great idea!  Totally bury me in the sand.  I'm not afraid of crabs at all.

What words do you love to love?

Five Things Friday - The Things I Do When Ryan is Out of Town For The Weekend Edition

1. Tell Ryan before he leaves about all of the hundreds of things I am going to get done while he’s gone.  “I am going to clean the whole house and go grocery shopping and get a pedicure and go to the gym every day.  It’s going to be great.”  And then he leaves and I’m like PLEASE and I hire cleaning ladies and place a grocery order with Peapod and put on socks to hide my ugly toes and overnight a new pair of Spanx so that it looks like I’ve been working out when he gets home.  He has no idea.  And I’m not that worried about posting this here because I am pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog.  Because I’ll always be “So what was your favorite part about today’s post?” And he’s like “Oh, you know, all of it.”  And I’ll be all “even the part where you got eaten by a lion?” And then he flinches a bit and looks a little surprised but says “OH, yeah, uh huh, especially that part.”

2. Eat dinners that do not actually contain any meat.  I was a vegetarian for a while earlier in my life and I still enjoy meat free meals pretty frequently for lunch, just never for dinner.  Because I could never serve a vegetarian meal to Ryan for dinner.  Because Ryan is a MAN and RYAN NEED MEAT.  Me..not so much.  If there ever actually was a zombie apocalypse and Ryan and I turned into zombies he would walk around all "BRAAINS LIVERRS APPENDIXXES" and I would be all "FINGERNAAILS MUSTACHHES EARRWAX."  I would be the worst zombie ever.  Now for your viewing pleasure here is a picture of Ryan as a zombie.

"What Happened To My Eye LAUREN?"
  3. Let the dogs sleep in the bed.  This is not because I want to cuddle with them all night, it is because I need the protection.  I am a huge scaredy cat.  If I am alone at bedtime then I have to walk around our condo checking in every closet and under every bed for monsters and murderers.  And then a couple of months ago I had the horrifying idea that I should check all the bathroom cabinets and behind the tv and inside the cooler sitting in the hallway because what if the bad guy was a little person or like really limber and bendy?  In case you were wondering, I fully realize the futility of my search.  Because if I happen to actually come across someone or something in my efforts it's not like I would be able to like shout "AHA! Gotcha!" and then escort them/it to the door.  ACTUALLY...I think I'm going to start carrying a knife around with me during my checks.  At least then I stand a stabbing chance.
I Eat Murderers For Breakfast.  Breakfast Isn't For Another Hour.
4. Not get dressed..or you know, shower.  I don't mean to say that I walk around all naked all weekend, because I definitely do not.  I just mean that I do not take off my sweatpants all weekend.  Regular clothes just seem superfluous if Ryan is not here to judge me and be all like "Is that seriously what you are wearing to the grocery store?  You look like you just escaped from a mental institution mumble mumble sort of act like it too."  And sometimes, I don't even wear my own sweatpants, but instead steal a pair of Ryan's because they are way bigger and thus way comfier.  And I realize that this makes me like a complete and utter fool when I am taking the dogs out and run into someone I know in the elevator when I am trying to hold my pants up with one hand and attempting to unentangle myself from the leashes of two small dogs with the other all the while having to make small talk about the weather and the size of the tomatoes at the farmer's market this morning, but really, I don't care.

UPDATE: Ryan read the last couple of paragraphs and then looked at me all incredulously and was like "I feel like I should start having you committed while I am out of town."  And so I just pointed to my ring finger and was like "I AM committed RYAN.  Remember?  In Sickness and In Health, For Richer and For Poorer, Til DEATH Do Us Part?"  And he was like "Well you've certainly got the sickness part down pat."

Also, turns out he DOES read the blog.  Uh Oh.

Stupid Ryan.  I am in PERFECT Mental Health.
 5. Read.  Read all day everyday except for when I am watching bad tv and eating shredded cheese out of the bag with a spoon.  I make a stack of like four or five books in the order in which I want to read them and then stack them on the coffee table and park myself on the couch and literally don't move for hours.  It is my favorite way to spend a Saturday.  This is not funny, I apologize, I can't make jokes about books.  It would hurt their feelings.

Hey Blogstalkers, What do YOU do when you're home all alone?


My Life is Perfect and Wonderful

I have been an extremely clumsy person my entire life.  I usually manage to hurt myself at least once a day.  This combined with the fact that I bruise like a peach means I am COVERED in bruises at all times.  When I sprout an especially nice grapefruit-sized bruise I send a picture of it to my friend Vanessa.  I occasionally place a dime next to the bruise for scale purposes.  She LOVES these pictures.  She LIVES for them. She has never threatened to block me from her phone if I send her one more picture of my shoulder bone/kneecap/inner thigh.  But that’s an entirely different story. 

As I was saying, I am a clumsy oaf of a girl.  It is some sort of miracle that I have made it to the ripe old age of 27 and a half.  Just last night I sliced my middle finger open while cutting French bread for Ryan’s homemade meatball sandwich.  And I sort of screamed and Ryan popped up from the couch where he had been relaxing topless eating cherries to see me standing at the counter covered in blood cradling my hand.  So naturally he freaks out.  He leaps over the back of the couch and runs into the kitchen as I stand there in pain trying to find something to wrap around my poor wounded hand.  “Oh my God Lauren,” he yells, “Did it get on the bread?”    

When I calmed down, I posted this picture of him online in revenge.  Because revenge, unlike Ryan’s precious meatball sandwiches, really is a dish best served cold.

Why Yes.  This IS Ryan Sitting on a Dragon in a Bouncy Thing.

While Eating Meatball Sandwich
Ryan: “Do you think this is sauce or blood?”
Lauren: “sauce you idiot”

Two Minutes Later
Ryan: “Do you think this is sauce or blood?”
Lauren: “SAUCE Ryan

Much Later That Night:
Lauren: “Actually I think that second one may have been blood.”

Five Things Friday - Things That Scare the Heckfire Out of Me Edition

1.  Any body of water that is not transparent.  If I can’t see the bottom then my bottom is staying out of it.  Oceans are full of jellyfish.  Rivers are full of alligators and don’t even get me started on lakes and the freakish creatures that call them home.  Like snapping turtles for example.  Also snakes, sometimes poisonous ones.  And somebody told me once that catfish have teeth.  I don’t know if this is entirely true but at this point I find myself unable to rule it out as an option.  Plus seaweed is slimy and feels suspiciously like some sort of eel when it brushes against you and having a competition to see who can pull the biggest piece of seaweed out of the mud at the bottom of the lake with their toes is just disgusting RYAN.  Also, I just want to point out that lakes and rivers are the places that dangerous animals like elephants and moose and GRIZZLY BEARS go to drink.  And honestly my favorite place to be in this world is anywhere a bear is not.  I’d much rather be where I go to drink, namely, my couch, in front of my tv, which is currently playing Love in the Wild again.  So go swim in your dirty lakes and your shark-infested oceans and rivers that move entirely too fast and end in giant fall-to-your-death waterfalls but don’t come crying to me when you get bitten by a catfish.

Me On A Lake.  Other People Were Obviously Having Fun.  And Wearing my Headband.

2.  Heights.  I have serious height-induced vertigo.  This used to make Ryan irritable (what doesn’t though?) because it meant I would not step foot on our balcony.  Then he realized it meant he had a place to go whenever he needed to get away from my incessant and incredibly entertaining and worthwhile chatter for a while.  Then he realized that when he did that I could just open the window and talk at to him that way.  Then he realized that this was going to be his life for the rest of his life.  Then he jumped off the balcony.  Not really, but he confessed that he did consider it as an option shortly “right around when you started talking about how you forgot to shave your legs before you went to the gynecologist and so you had to shave them with a cheap plastic razor in the bathroom at work before your appointment.”  But seriously, I do not like heights.  The idea of a glass-bottomed Grand Canyon viewing area just horrifies me.  Because you can see through it, to your death and to that horrible river just flowing away all rapidly at the bottom.

So yeah.  Turns out I don’t like things you can see through and things you can’t see through.
3.  The idea of an apocalypse.  Obviously.  What if the sun burns out?  What if some sort of solar flare or meteorite just kills half the world suddenly?  What if  a virus devastates the world and turns everyone it touches into a zombie?  Because I can’t run that fast.  What if the Mayans were right?  What if aliens invade and zap everything that moves with their ray guns?  What if Jesus appears in robes of flowing golden silk, his flowing hair just flowing and flowing behind him and calls all his followers to him and leaves the pagans to burn?  And then Ryan was like “sounds like more of a relief than anything to me.”  And then I think he whispered “imagine, silence forever."

4.  Scary movies.  I can’t watch them.  They feed the Night Terrors.  A lot of people don’t like and don’t watch scary movies, but for me it goes so much further.  Because to me the term ‘scary movie’ might as well mean ‘just about any movie.’  Seriously, I can’t even watch Harry Potter alone.  I can’t even watch Beauty and the Beast alone.  And after watching Twilight I was actually legitimately scared that a vampire was going to come and get me.  A VAMPIRE.  I would lay in bed when Ryan was working nights and just picture him floating up to our top window and just tapping on the glass and smiling before he smashed through in a beautiful glittering blood-hungry fury.  A VAMPIRE.  I don’t know why movies affect me in this way but they do.  I am extremely susceptible to them.  I can read the scariest book imaginable before bed and sleep blissfully, but if a cartoon wolf chases a girl through the woods, I’m done for.  Wolves AND Lions padding out of the closet that night.

5.  And finally my biggest gnawing fear.  The thing that keeps me awake at night.  The thing that would be worse than zombies.  The fear that somehow all the books in the world might one day just spontaneously combust and there will be nothing left to read and I will be forced to like...socialize or like ride a bike or GOD FORBID GO CAMPING.  

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