Because yesterday, while I was grocery shopping, he rearranged all of the ornaments on the Christmas tree into, let's just say compromising positions.
I actually had a feeling while perusing holiday desserts that something had gone terribly awry at home. Because while I was reaching for a gallon of peppermint ice cream, another gallon fell out of the freezer and smashed me in the face.
And I just stood there all dazed in the middle of the freezer aisle until another customer was all
"Miss, are you OK?"
And then I came to my senses, shouted "Joy to the effing world!" and ran out of the store.
And then I went back in and paid for my groceries. Because I'm a lady.
Upon rushing in our front door I could smell, over the softly mingling scents of cinnamon and evergreen, something tawdry in the air.
Plus Ryan was giggling, hopping from foot to foot, and grinning like he had just discovered a giant box full of puppies and cheese or something.
"WHAT did you do?"
"Oh nothing teeheehee."
"Did you put a hardboiled egg in my stocking again?"
"Did you undress all of the Christmas Bears?
"Did you bite the heads off all of the gingerbread babies?"
"Yes but that was yesterday. And I was surprised and a little angry you hadn't noticed yet actually."
And then I saw it. Snowmen cavorting with Santas. Penguins canoodling with Polar Bears. Mickey Mouse with his sweet little mouse paw in places sweet little mouse paws should never venture.
There was a Moose destroying the innocence of a penguin while Cinderella watched.
|I quickly separated them while shouting "Avert your eyes Cindy."|
"Ryan P. Gallagher...this...is the most hateful thing you have ever done."
"Worse than when I hid the key to the storage unit?"
"Worse than when I ate the last string cheese last week and then lied about it?"
"I KNEW it! I KNEW I didn't sleep eat it RYAN. Although I will admit that placing the wrapper under my pillow was a nice touch. And yes, worse than that even."
"Worse than when..."
"I would stop reminding me of all of the hateful things you've done if I were you. Or you may find yourself locked out only to be let in once you Christmas carol at all of the neighbors' apartments the next time you go to get the mail."
"That's what I thought."
Seriously blogstalkers, has Ryan reached a new low or what? And to think he did this after I made the effort to decorate for Hanukah.
|What? I didn't say I elaborately decorated for Hanukah.|
Reliving all of this has started to make me weepy. I'm off to eat some comfort food.
|One of the best things about being unemployed is that no one can come over to your desk and be like "You're eating THAT for lunch?"|
Ok I really have to go now. I have Christmas Bears to reclothe.