Honestly At This Point I'm Just Dreaming Of A Christmas That Doesn't Somehow Get Ruined By Ryan

::Disclaimer:: This post is a bit un-PC so if you are a person that is easily offended, maybe don't read it.  Also, maybe don't read the rest of this blog.

So one week after Ryan actually helped me put up my Christmas tree, he has returned to his grinchy ways.

Because yesterday, while I was grocery shopping, he rearranged all of the ornaments on the Christmas tree into, let's just say compromising positions.

I actually had a feeling while perusing holiday desserts that something had gone terribly awry at home.  Because while I was reaching for a gallon of peppermint ice cream, another gallon fell out of the freezer and smashed me in the face.

And I just stood there all dazed in the middle of the freezer aisle until another customer was all

"Miss, are you OK?"

And then I came to my senses, shouted "Joy to the effing world!" and ran out of the store.

And then I went back in and paid for my groceries.  Because I'm a lady.

Upon rushing in our front door I could smell, over the softly mingling scents of cinnamon and evergreen, something tawdry in the air.

Plus Ryan was giggling, hopping from foot to foot, and grinning like he had just discovered a giant box full of puppies and cheese or something.

"WHAT did you do?"

"Oh nothing teeheehee."

"Did you put a hardboiled egg in my stocking again?"

"No."

"Did you undress all of the Christmas Bears?

"No."

"Did you bite the heads off all of the gingerbread babies?"

"Yes but that was yesterday. And I was surprised and a little angry you hadn't noticed yet actually."

And then I saw it.  Snowmen cavorting with Santas.  Penguins canoodling with Polar Bears.  Mickey Mouse with his sweet little mouse paw in places sweet little mouse paws should never venture.

There was a Moose destroying the innocence of a penguin while Cinderella watched.

I quickly separated them while shouting "Avert your eyes Cindy."

"Ryan P. Gallagher...this...is the most hateful thing you have ever done."

"Worse than when I hid the key to the storage unit?"

"Yes."

"Worse than when I ate the last string cheese last week and then lied about it?"

"I KNEW it!  I KNEW I didn't sleep eat it RYAN. Although I will admit that placing the wrapper under my pillow was a nice touch.  And yes, worse than that even."

"Worse than when..."

"I would stop reminding me of all of the hateful things you've done if I were you.  Or you may find yourself locked out only to be let in once you Christmas carol at all of the neighbors' apartments the next time you go to get the mail."

"..."

"That's what I thought."

Seriously blogstalkers, has Ryan reached a new low or what?  And to think he did this after I made the effort to decorate for Hanukah.

What? I didn't say I elaborately decorated for Hanukah.

Reliving all of this has started to make me weepy.  I'm off to eat some comfort food.

One of the best things about being unemployed is that no one can come over to your desk and be like "You're eating THAT for lunch?"

Ok I really have to go now.  I have Christmas Bears to reclothe.

51 comments:

  1. Wow, look at Cinderella's facial expression. I mean, her eyes are looking directly at the penguin's thing. She's totally a closet perv! Who knew?

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  2. @Christine

    Right? And you don't even want to know what Belle was up to.

    Turns out the Disney princesses are little sluts.

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  3. That Ryan...he's such a scamp.

    Are you okay after the ice cream incident? You deserve to be babied after that trauma, not traumatized with Cindy's new pervieness.

    You DID separate the moose from everyone else, right?

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  4. @Jo

    The moose is currently doing time out in Ryan's sock drawer. It was the most evil place I could think of spur of the moment.

    And yes I'm ok, the only thing hurting is my pride. And my stomach, from eating all of the ice cream.

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  5. Hahaha! Are there baby gingerbread bodies still to be eaten? I may need to stop by for a snack later :-) Kidding. Sort of.

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  6. Anonymous12/02/2011

    I think Ryan should have a chance to tell his side of the many,(crazy) things you say about him although the "How We Met" post is spot on.

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  7. @Vanessa

    I am pretty sure Ryan finished eating all of the baby bodies today but I did make Banana Nut Muffins if you do decide you want one later. They are kind of burnt.

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  8. @Anonymous

    I assume this is you dad. And if Ryan wants to tell his side of something then he can leave a comment. He never will though. Because he is lazy.

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  9. I think hardboiled eggs make good gifts.

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  10. @Lisa G

    Well Mom, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

    A Juicer.

    You thought I was going to say hardboiled eggs didn't you?

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  11. The photographic evidence of Cinderelly's voyeuristic face made me choke on my nog... Well done!

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  12. steve burrows12/02/2011

    nicely said, it's nice to know another sleep eater! :)

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  13. @Terz

    And I always thought Cinderella was such a nice girl...

    And JEALOUS about the egg nog, haven't had any yet this year.

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  14. @steve burrows

    Ahh yes, sleep eating. Making it possible each and every day to wake up in bed with sausage biscuit wrappers.

    Thanks for the comment!

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  15. I can't believe that Ryan ate the heads off of gingerbread babies. At least he left the parents.

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  16. Annie G.12/02/2011

    Pickles and ice cream? Hmmmm!?! I can't believe I'm the only one to pick up on that!

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  17. @KFino

    Yeah. Ryan is dumb. He told me he ate the babies first so that there weren't any gingerbread babies hanging around to make me think of real babies.

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  18. Please tell your mom & dad I love them and miss them...don't send treats just make sure your mom sends me a card and writes more than love The Marthalers this time! Happy Blogging little lady!!

    Laurie Welch
    Tucson, AZ

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  19. @Annie G.

    Nope not pregnant. Because my husband is dumb, not because I don't want babies like RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY.

    Pickles are just a part of my everyday diet. I eat them with everything. Even cake. Even coffee. Even other pickles.

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  20. Anna Swanson12/02/2011

    haha! That's pretty funny stuff. You have a much more exciting Christmas at your home. And you're such a talented writer! love it.

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  21. @Laurie Welch

    My mom actually reads this blog (and all the comments) so you just told her yourself. But I'll let her know just in case she missed it.

    Have a Happy Holiday Season!

    And thanks for reading, seriously yo.

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  22. @Anna Swanson

    Oh Anna Banana, thank you and miss you!

    Also, I stalk your baby on Facebook, because he is adorable.

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  23. Anonymous12/02/2011

    Oh, just bake some tinsel into his food! It's (fairly) harmless & will get him in the Christmas spirit ... or get the Christmas spirit into him, whatevs.

    [BTW -- I'm allergic to dairy & eggs so I suggest you use Eart Balance faux butter, unsweetened almond milk & Ener-G egg replacer.]

    --anon-y-mouse

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  24. @Anonymous

    Ok Doke Anon-y-Mouse, I will for realz send you egg-less and dairy-less desserts. But you know, I need your name and address and all that.

    Also, the tinsel thing is profound. Using it.

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  25. Carly M.12/03/2011

    Just read through this post again for the second time tonight. Once again LMAO. I told the hubby about how hard I laughed after the first time I read it, and he just kept saying how Ryan is an evil genius.

    We are putting up our tree tomorrow, and I'm actually scared.... I fully expect my hula girl ornament to wind up with at least like five different Santas this year... I also have some G.I. joe, Barbie, and reindeer ornaments, so I can only imagine how he plans to outdo your clever Ryan.

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  26. @Carly M.

    Please tell Alex to stop placing Ryan on some sort of pedestal. He is NOT THAT COOL.

    Also, G.I. Joe is a soldier and a gentleman. So for real if he does anything wrong to sweet little blonde Barbie, I will be disillusioned and sad.

    And Ryan is not clever. He is just a dirty boy.

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  27. Anonymous12/03/2011

    Oh! Or you could use some of those sparkler candles in his Menorah, if that isn't too sacrilegious.

    http://tinyurl.com/7ko256g

    Let's see if you can guess who I am:
    --Your Dad was my softball coach @ least one year [I was a terrible player, though]

    --I didn't know Ryan until freshman year @ HFHS when I somehow had 4 classes with him: E-period English, choir, biology, Intro Broadcasting(I think). I couldn't escape him.

    Oh, and my Mom once cooked part of a sheet into a pancake & served it to me on April Fool's Day. I figure tinsel could work.

    --anon-y-mouse

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  28. So I'm going to come out as a closet blogstalker....this was pretty funny on Ryan's part. For being such a Chirstmas fan, I can expect
    to see you at the Santa Hustle tomorrow running among the other 4,000 santa's and holiday extremists?!?! :)

    Another cousin to add to the list for Ryan...

    -Robyn

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  29. Maria Slayton12/03/2011

    So this is the funniest thing i have seen all day! glad i was suffering from insomnia tonight or i would've never seen it! keep it up...cant wait to read the next post.

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  30. @Anonymous

    Ok so we *think* we have it figured out..but could be wrong, we often are.

    Does your name perhaps start with an 'E'?

    Thanks for reading!

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  31. @Robyn

    Hey! Thanks for reading!

    And ummm, no I did not do the Santa hustle this morning. I like Christmas but hate running and getting up early. Instead Ryan and I went out to breakfast and watched all of the santas fly by.

    It looked tiring.

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  32. @Maria Slayton

    Thanks for reading! And calling me funny. Ryan says I'm the only person that thinks I am funny, but now I can show him your comment and be like "HA! RYAN, there are TWO of us."

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  33. Nick Drinka12/03/2011

    I dunno, those ornaments look pretty happy. I think they would have put up a bigger fight if they weren't looking forward to the Christmas orgy. Being confined to a tissue paper prison for most of the year can make for some horny ornaments... Anyway, you should just remind Ryan that his behavior is his subconscious screaming out for reproduction. When he does it again, act ecstatic that he secretly wants a baby. He'll either stop it, or admit that he really does want a baby. Win-win situation. :P

    So, is the fudge/cookies-for-blogpost offer still valid? I should really go eat some dinner.

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  34. Stephen12/04/2011

    OMG! I'm dying at this post! I can picture every second of this going down. BTW - what fun are clothed Christmas bears?
    Miss you both!

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  35. @Nick Drinka

    Or he'll just say "I will not stop this behavior and I still do not want a baby yet."

    That sounds a lot more like Ryan than what you suggest.

    And Christmas ornaments are innocent creatures. I refuse to believe otherwise.

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  36. @Stephen

    Have I told you lately that you are like my favorite person?

    PS - Ryan just read this over my shoulder and was like "I thought I was your favorite person."

    Haha PLEASE Ryan.

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  37. ... so....was Cinderella jealous? :)

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  38. @Juicy

    I really just don't know. I used to think the Disney princesses were really nice girls, but now I'm not so sure. I feel sort of disillusioned.

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  39. Nick Drinka12/09/2011

    @Lauren

    Well, I hope you know your husband better than I.

    I don't see how sexuality precludes being nice, though.

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  40. I'm going into Lauren-withdrawal....just sayin'.

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  41. @Jo

    Sorry Jo! I'll be back in style tomorrow Yo.

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  42. @Lauren

    Uh huh.

    Congrats on your job, by the way!

    Hint: something to BLOG about....

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  43. Obviously you cannot be guilted into posting. *sigh*

    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!

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  44. @Jo

    Jo I am so very sorry. Christmas is keeping me sooo busy. I have plans to post before Christmas hopefully, fingers crossed and so on.

    Thanks for continuing to read even though I am the worst blogger ever.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Sweetie, I am pulling your leg, hope you know that. Don't be feelin' all guilty for realsies...that takes the fun out of messin' with you! And you can't possibly be the worst blogger ever, you don't have an award for that anywhere...therefore it must not be true.

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  46. Anonymous12/23/2011

    It is almost Christmas! Where is the new post? Your loyal blogstalkers are waiting.

    xoxo!

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  47. @Anonymous

    Don't hate me please? I forgot how hard it is to keep up with a regular posting schedule when I actually have a grown-up-person job. Hopefully things will even out soon. Ack.

    ReplyDelete
  48. This is probably the funniest blog post I've ever read. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Found you on the Bloggess' post about buying the dead pony. I'm home sick today so I'm basically reading your whole blog.

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you liked it! My husband takes great pride in his holiday-ruining abilities. Sorry you're sick, I'm struggling with a bit of a cold myself, hope you feel better soon!

      Delete
    2. Thanks, you too! I shared this post on my blog just now. I feel like everyone should read this ASAP!

      Delete
  49. That looks an awful lot like the lunch I had today...

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