It's our 11 month anniversary and my husband didn't get me ANYTHING.

As this post has begun to garner me some pretty nasty comments, I want to issue this disclaimer.  This is a HUMOR blog.  I am not actually complaining about not getting a gift for an eleven month anniversary.  I didn't actually make my husband celebrate this day and I absolutely didn't use his credit card (which is actually a joint account) to buy myself a gift.  It's just a JOKE.  Maybe not a very good one, but a joke nevertheless.  Please don't take this so seriously people.

So today is 11/11/11 which means that Ryan and I have officially been married for 11 months.  Freaky.  He’s off of work today so I spent the morning trying to convince him to meet me for lunch. 

“Come on Ryan, We can hold hands and make a wish for the future at 11:11 on 11/11/11 to celebrate our 11 month anniversary.”

“Here is my wish for the future.  That you would stop waking me up to suggest things you know I am going to have absolutely no interest in.”

“You just ended a sentence with a preposition.”

“And didn’t you promise last month that you would stop trying to make me celebrate monthly anniversaries”

“Yes but it was an empty promise.”

“I’m not coming to lunch.”

And then I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door and shouted things, that in retrospect, I regret.

“Fine then you dumb Ryan! Don’t meet me for lunch.”

::no response::

“If someone told me you stepped on a fairy for fun I would believe them!!”

::no response::

“I’m buying Hunter boots with your credit card today, no response means you are fine with that.”

“Response” (Yes he literally said ‘response’)

This is my life blogstalkers.  It is SO hard.


I am putting this picture up so Ryan will feel guilty and buy me a present for our eleven month anniversary.  I wear a size 8 in Hunter boots Ryan.


42 comments:

  1. I hope he comes home with SALMON colored boots.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carly M.11/11/2011

    OMG, better than salmon pants I guess... ;o)

    Also, I love his "Response." Classic.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Vanessa

    What the heck VANESSA? You are always supposed to be on my side. Who wants SALMON colored hunter boots? Having the day off of work is making you snarky and I don't love it particularly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Carly

    I don't love anything Ryan says. At least he's got you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I guess...the honeymoon is over? *looking sad*

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Jo

    And that is just FINE with me. Because I feel like honeymoons usually require the wearing of a bathing suit and I am just really loathe to have to wear anything but sweatpants right now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. When are you going hunting and are they Gorerex boots? And do you know what my post verification word just was? Ovary... Che Cosa Fai?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous11/13/2011

    It would have been funny if Ryan came home with hunter boots, not Hunter boots. =p

    "But I got you hunter boots!"

    "I wanted Hunter boots!"

    xoxo,
    #1 BS

    ReplyDelete
  9. @Mark

    The boots I want are just awesome galoshes that happen to just have the brand name Hunter. Perfect for enduring a Chicago Fall/Winter/Spring.

    I can't be a real hunter because I am awkward and everyone agrees I should not be around dangerous things like guns, or crossbows, or slingshots, or water balloons.

    And Ovary...how random and perfect.

    Thanks for reading!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. @anonymous

    Oh Ryan knows exactly what Hunter boots I want. So if he came home with hunter boots it would be totally on purpose, just out of spite. Come to think of it, it DOES sound like something he would do though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous5/27/2012

    Wow stumbled upon this by accident! I feel sorry for this Ryan dude ...you sound extremely spoiled and bitchy and who the hell celebrates each month how long they have been married! I barely have time to think of one anniversary a year because Yes this is what the word anniversary means! Who lets spoiled immature people like you get married? Bad mouthing your husband do openly like this after only 11 months of marriage is pathetic! You will be divorced before you can celebrate 11 years!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/27/2012

      Wow, it's fun to post nasty things about people you don't know, isn't it? Interestingly enough, being married for 11 years (and still happy), my husband and I did celebrate once a month for our first year.

      Also, judging a person, or even their blog, by one post is kind of ridiculous.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/27/2012

      It's a humor blog...relax Anonymous.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/28/2012

      You barely have time think of your anniversary? How incredibly lame can you be? Do you really not care about your partner that much? Lauren clearly cares about Ryan here. Sure, her blog make come across as ridiculous, but that's the entire point. It's all for teh funniez. How can you be on the Internet and miss that?!

      Delete
  12. Anonymous5/27/2012

    My friend who stumbled on this by accident sent me the link for a laugh. Lol, indeed. Give the guy a break. I mean, he's already facing a yearly reminder that he married an imbecile, does he really need one every month? I can't say I blame him for not wanting to wish with you--I don't think there's any nice way to say, "I wish my wife would stop being a moron." Good luck with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous. How very brave of you to tear a person apart without even stating your name.
      It's a humor blog. She is being silly, funny. How dare you judge her marriage by one post.
      If you don't know what humor is perhaps you are the imbecile.

      Delete
  13. WOW, you two assholes that recently commented are real tough posting anonymously! Do us all a favor and find something better to do with your sorry waste of lives than post nasty things on a strangers blog. And also, maybe learn how to spell!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sounds like the evil. ONE D TEN Ts are out in force.....go buy some towels!! And then go away.....im tired and migraines and if you stay here im gunna puke on you......just warning....

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  15. I think the two mean anonymous commenters are actually Ryan, trying to drum up sympathy for himself. I never buy that whole "he doesn't read my blog" thing. (Just kidding of course, as Ryan would never actually do anything so snarky. I think. Maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I read this blog because it's funny and lightens my day. I don't think there is any anger or cruelty behind the things Lauren says about Ryan, it's just her sense of humor and clearly he would not have married her if he couldn't take a joke. To take timeout of your obviously not busy day to leave negative comments is a bit pathetic and I think maybe a cry for help.. I'm guessing the times you were at the pool yelling " mommommom look at me", she was too busy cracking open another can of Budweiser. Fuck em' if they can't take a joke!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. perfect reply...and..can't even think what anonymous #1 would think of me dressing up in my wedding dress & veil my 1st year of marriage....lighten up honey, this is meant to make you laugh. Try it someday...now, I think I will try my dress on...9 years later ;)

      Delete
  17. Trolls get everywhere ya'll...they're like dust bunnies in that regard.

    ReplyDelete
  18. To the two anonymous assholes....uh...posters: first, you're both chickens because you posted anonymously, which means you would NEVER have the courage to write a blog. And apparently you're also judgmental and mean-spirited. Is it fun trashing blog authors you don't know? Try reading the rest of her blog before making judgements.....or, better yet, just go away. No one wants to hear your libelous negativity. Lauren, you are loved. Don't allow idiotic bullshit from two jerks ruin your day

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ditto, Claire. Lauren, you are awesome and entertaining. I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago and even though our lives are very different (I'm a young-ish widow, living in Virginia, raising two teens), I have enjoyed reading about your early married life. You often make me LOL. I have NO IDEA why people feel the need to make snarky, mean comments online. If they don't like your blog, no one is forcing them to read it. But I am SO GLAD you write it. Thanks for sharing your writing talent and sense of humor with us.

      Delete
  19. Why is it that people always find the need to criticize people they don't know and have done nothing to them? Lauren, your blog is hilarious and I think you're absolutely precious and ridiculously funny.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Try not to let it get to you, Lauren. They clearly both don't: (a) read your blog regularly and have no idea what they're talking about and (b) have any sort of sense of humor whatsoever. I know it's tough to let things like this slide off of your back, but haters gonna' hate. It means you're doing something right. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, Lauren! Just ignore those two beyotches. Unfortunately there will always be simple-minded, mean-spirited trolls. Ignore 'em.

    I love reading your posts, and every time I walk away thinking how friggin awesome you are - and how lucky Ryan is.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous5/30/2012

    Hey trolls! The three billy goats gruff called, someone's been trip trapping over your bridge. Best you crawl back under it...

    Lauren, you should know better than to let a couple of dufus's bother you.

    Jennie

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous5/30/2012

    Oh SHUT UP! Today is my 3-year anniversary. As in, the actual anniversary of the date we got married three years ago. Though actually today marks the date TEN years ago that we first got together. I got my husband a nice watch, a bottle of Crown Royal Reserve, and a sweet card talking about how much I loved him. And what did I get? A big fat nothing. Not even a "Happy Anniversary." So excuse me if I don't have any patience to listen to you talk about not getting what you want for your 11-month anniversary. And by the way, count your lucky stars that you're able to use his credit card to buy new boots. That shit would absolutely not fly around here. And seeing as he didn't call you any four-letter names or hurl something at your head while this interaction was going on, you guys's conversation was NOT ALL THAT BAD. It was pretty normal, in fact. If anything you come off looking like a spoiled little brat for wanting to get your way about a made-up holiday, and then demanding to use his credit card. YOU HAVE A NORMAL HUSBAND. Enjoy that fact, and stop bitching. I guarantee you a lot more people have it WAY worse than you. Enjoy what you have. Your griping about this is making you look really petty and unattractive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *GIANT*EYEROLL* This is a HUMOR blog Anonymous, get over yourself!

      Delete
    2. Melissammmm5/30/2012

      anonymous, you married an asshole. sounds like a personal problem. stop trying to spread your misery around here, it wont work. lauren's awesome and we all know it.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, sorry, no way. A wife who gets treated that way by her husband would not be getting him a nice watch, crown royal reserve and a card. Please.

      On the other hand, if you are real and live in CA, I have a great recommendation for a divorce attorney. You're going to need one when the babysitter turns up pregnant.

      Lauren, don't let crabby #s 1, 2 and 3 get to you. Haters gonna hate, Potatoes gonna potate or something like that.

      Here: http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/23749555219/when-im-having-a-bad-day-and-someone-gives-me-a have mad internet cat hugs.

      And: http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/23871489558/when-i-run-into-people-from-high-school this is pretty much how I picture you...minus the beard.

      Delete
    4. I suppose being a hateful attention whore on a complete strangers blog is attractive though right? I think we'll all pass on the trailer park etiquette lecture thanks!

      You clearly married an asshole and I think your time would be better spent looking fora divorce attorney and a therapist. You very obviously need some professional help. In the meantime, try not to be such an insufferable twat. You're really coming off as unattractive!

      Delete
    5. I would say that if you need to be catty, at least have the kahunas to say who you are. It is always those who KNOW they are saying something hurtful and inappropriate who choose to hide behind the "anonymous" tag. Sadly, you just sound bitter.

      As for celebrating the 11 month anniversary, joke or not: you go girl!! My anniversary today is the loss of my husband of 20 years and YES we DID mark our time together in months, years, and decades. Enjoy every day and celebrate the moments you feel are special. Those are the moments you will reflect on later.

      Delete
  24. Lauren, please don't let these humorless crabby-pants dung beetles get to you! Some people are too serious and can't see the humor in anything. You should feel sorry for these people that they are so miserable that they can't see the humor in your post. You do not come off as spoiled, and I think it's adorable that you want to celebrate every month of your marriage! Keep up the great work with your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  25. To the above anonymous 5/30. It sounds as if you are in a miserable relationship and just because you are unhappy you don't have to put someone who is in a healthy relationship down. Lauren is a funny, quirky girl and the above post was written as a funny. If you can't stand to "listen" to her talk then maybe you shouldn't be reading her blog. Then you wouldn't have to leave ugly comments to someone who doesn't deserve them.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Mary LongPolishlastname5/30/2012

    Wow, there are some miserable people in the world. And they have to share there misery, apparently. Well, let me share this: This is my first time posting on your blog. I love what you write! You're funny and smart and passionate about the things (and people) you love. What's not to like? You make my day when I read your blog. Leave the negativity behind you. I learned a long time ago that only certain peoples' opinions of me mattered in my life and everyone else can go jump. Guess where your three Anonymous posters can go?

    Take heart, loads of us adore you. Thanks for being exactly who you are. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I thought it was freakin' hilarious. And I think that if ANY woman allows a MAN to marry her, he should celebrate her EVERY freakin' day.

    We as women have to put up with a lot of crap from men. Not just the significant other, but our friends, family, bosses, etc. Basically the husband should be the one who makes up for every jerk we met along the way and prove that we made a good choice--if we decide to marry.

    This is my tongue-in-cheek response. However, it is also a little true for me, because I am single for this reason. Most men WON'T do what I said I would expect from "my man." And I'm okay with that. I don't have time for a crappy relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's our 11th anniversary today. I gave him a perfume and kissed him. But didn't receive anything in return. It hurts like hell. But I've been keeping all my sadness to myself.
    I'm worthless.

    ReplyDelete
  29. It's our 11th year anneversary today. I gave my husband a perfume and a kiss on his cheek. He didn't give anything in return. It hurts like hell. But I've been keeping all my sadness to myself. My worthless.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous11/16/2012

    OMG Charr. I think you should sit him down and set him straight. He needs to show a little initiative.

    ReplyDelete
  31. LOL, found you through My Favorite Hate Mail. This was cute and funny. The internet seems to have a lot of issues with sarcasm. And the shift key.

    ReplyDelete

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