Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I can't. Because Ryan is a Christmas-stealing Grinch.

This week Ryan and I are in a monstrously huge fight.

Let me explain.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I completely and totally geek out about Christmas.  To me it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.  Not so much to my poor suffering Jewish husband.  It’s not that he minds that I force him to celebrate a holiday that has nothing to do with his own religious culture, it’s that I force him to celebrate said holiday for 55 days each year.  Because November 1st officially heralds the start of my Christmas season.

Sidenote: Did you notice my ingenious use of the word ‘heralds’ there.  Even my writing gets Christmasy when November hits.

And yes most people would say November 1st is early to start celebrating Christmas but since when do I care what most people think?  I once shaved my legs with half of my kitchen scissors because I had a wedding to go to and I was too lazy to walk two blocks to Walgreens to buy razor refills.  I’m sure most people would think that was dangerous and odd but my legs were smooth and I was happy.

So anyway, last Tuesday, November 1st, I sprang out of bed feeling all bubbly and joyful and called in sick to work.  I hopped over to my computer and put the new Justin Bieber Chrismas album on repeat.  I ate a handful of mini-marshmallows washed down by chocolate milk for breakfast and planned my day.

First, find my Christmas underwear and put them on.

Second, consider normal pants, decide against them, and instead don Christmas tree pants and knee-high stripey candy cane socks.  Roll up pants so socks are visible. 

Third, go to storage unit to retrieve Christmas decorations.

Third is where things went very wrong.  Because the storage unit key was not in the bowl by the door where is always is.  So I called Ryan and work and we had this conversation.

Ryan: “Did you make it so that my phone plays “All I want for Christmas is You” when you call me?”

Lauren: “I did, you are welcome.”

Ryan: “Awesome, no one at work is making fun of me right now.”

Lauren: “Did you put the storage key somewhere?”

Ryan: “Why are you even calling me now, why aren’t you at work?”

Lauren: “I’m being a Christmas Elf today. Storage unit key?”

Ryan: “I hid it.”

Lauren: “What the eff RYAN.  My Christmas shower curtain is in there.  The dogs’ reindeer antlers are in there.  EVERYTHING I NEED IS IN THERE.”

Ryan: “Exactly.”

And thus the giant, (maybe marriage-destroying RYAN), fight.  And he won’t give in.  No matter what I do.  I even brought him home matzo ball soup the other night as an homage to Judaism.  But he didn’t care.  He was just all like “Why does one of these matzo balls have a bite taken out of it?”

So yeah, that’s where things stand in our home right now.

Oh and last night, the fight got ten times worse when Ryan said…and I quote…

“Don’t you love that it’s not beginning to look a lot like Christmas in here?”

Bah Humbug.

How’s your November blogstalkers?   
Is anyone dying to see a picture of me all decked out for Christmas?

18 comments:

  1. Carly M.11/07/2011

    I must say, that November brings about the exact opposite feelings for me. Halloween is my favorite day of the year, so November 1st makes me sad since it's the day I have to put my decorations away :o(

    I know how much you love this season, so happy it has arrived for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Carly
    If how you feel on November 1st is anything like I feel on December 26th then I have pity for you and your poor Halloween-loving soul.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Um, Boyfriend has come over to the non-dark-side, Lauren. He tolerates the non-stop Christmas music, decorations everywhere, two trees, ornaments, EVERYTHING. I even buy him special Christmas underwear. He has quite the selection now. I'm sure he loves that I'm sharing that with whole wide internet. All that to say - I effing love Christmas. So much. More than the dill pickles. Happy Christmas season.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous11/08/2011

    My Christmas officially starts the day after Thanksgiving. And then I spend the next few weeks decorating my place. Then I spend most of January cursing at all the "stupid decorations" that I have to put away.

    xoxo,
    #1

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Emily
    Watch out. When my husband was my boyfriend he totally let me go all out on Christmas and even like watched Elf and Love Actually with me one thousand times. Now we are married and he hides the storage unit key. Also, I have a dill pickle ornament, for real.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Anonymous

    Taking down decorations is the worst. And not because I want it to be Christmas all year round, I don't, 55 days is definitely enough. It's just a pain in the butt.

    Here is my solution.

    I find that if you just take the ornaments off the "Christmas" tree and decorate it with red and pink hearts, it becomes a "Valentine's" tree and you can keep it up until at least the end of February.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marissa12/17/2012

      If you celebrate Mardi Gras, you can deck it out in purple, gold and green (and fleur de lis) and leave it up even longer some years (it's early in 2013, on 2/12, but in 2011 it was 3/8).
      Procratinators unite!

      Delete
  7. @Lauren

    I totally have a pickle ornament, too! I love my boyfriend, but being sneaky and hiding things? Not a gift of his. He'd forget where he put everything. I think I'm safe. Sidenote: I'm soooo excited to watch Christmas movies! And eat dill pickles. But I don't start celebrating until Thanksgiving day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Emily

    You are a totally normal person for not acknowledging the Christmas season until after Thanksgiving. I know I start celebrating WAY WAY too early. I've accepted that about myself. Just like I've accepted the fact that Ryan walks around without a shirt on entirely too much.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just started reading your blog. I too am the same way about Christmas. Actually...to be very honest...my tree is still up. And I don't plan on taking it down. It makes me feel happy! And I want to know what Christmas tree pants are and where I can get some?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I suppose you visit the craft stores this time of year just to see Christmas items already. Gotta say, not a fan of Christmas, or giftmas, as it has come to be known. I didn't like it as a kid either--parents off work screaming at each other and smoking up a storm and too cold to escape outside. Not the most wonderful time of the year for this asthmatic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no I promise I'm not THAT THAT crazy about Christmas. I have a very strict November 1st rule. Which I realize is still early, but at least I stick to it that way.

      I'm a big Winter girl since I am scarily pale and allergic to the sun bees and all things summer. And I like the gifting part of Christmas, but really only because I get to GIVE gifts. I love trying to figure out the perfect thing for every person.

      Living in a big city, I guess I just love the atmosphere around here at Christmas time. All yuletide and joy and love.

      But I get why it's not everyone's most favorite thing ever.

      Delete
  11. Anonymous8/12/2012

    You've made a duplicate key that you wear like the One Ring, right? 'Cause Christmas is coming soon.

    ReplyDelete
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