Don't read this. It's really long and not worth your time. I'm being serious.

So clearly I sort of discontinued Five Things Friday.  I apologize, I really and truly do, but I have a very good reason. 

Laziness. 

See?  You totally can’t be mad when the reasoning is so very logical.  But seriously, sorry for my unexplained and, I would imagine, much lamented absence.  Honestly what really kept me away from all of my loyal blogstalkers is described with absolute perfection here.

So yep, depression reared its stupid dumb head for a while.  It happens.  I chopped off all of my hair and got over it. 

Haha Depression! I will attack you where you live.  Which is in my hair apparently.  Weird.
And now I’m back.  Again.  And with good news.  I finally managed to pawn the Lovesac off on someone!! Yay!!  This may have sparked a smallish Ryan down-spiral.  Yep.  For a couple of days there we were both super fun to be around.

“Ryan the bathroom garbage needs to get taken out.  It’s overflowing with tissues and making me feel really bad for the floor.  It’s a good floor, it doesn’t deserve to be covered with tissues.”

“I can’t right now.  I’m sitting in the Lovesac’s spot and remembering the Lovesac.  And that floor’s not that great, sometimes it’s really cold to me when I get out of the shower.”

“That’s true.”

So THAT was a fun week.  Anyway, I’m still not quite ready to attack a Five Things Friday post since those things take me HOURS to write and edit and anyway I’m pretty sure no one wants to read “Five Things Friday – The world is dumb and my job is dumb and my dog threw up on me while I was brushing her teeth.”

So instead I’ll just catch you up on a couple of things that have been happening in Lauren and Ryan world the last couple of weeks or so.

First, the day after I hacked off all of the hairs on my head, I decided to actually like make some effort with my appearance.  I dressed all nice and fancy and did my makeup and put on jewelry and even wore perfume.  It was grand.  On the way out of our condo I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and said to myself “Self, you look UH-MAH-ZING.  You should make this much effort everyday…you know…like normal people”

And then pranced outside onto like the most beautiful fall day and did a little spin and thought “This day is coming up Lauren.” 

And then on the way to work some dude was like “Excuse me miss?”  And I was like “OMG he is totally going to hit on me and tell me I am just the loveliest.”  So I prepared to turn him down with a gentle wave of my wedding ring, smiled and said “Yes?”  And then he was all “I think you have gum on your butt.”

So yeah, that day definitely “came up Lauren” after all.  I went back to wearing clothes that don’t make me feel good about myself the next day.

Oh and yeah, if you want a really good mental image to get you through the rest of your work day then picture me standing in a bathroom stall at work in only a shirt, knee-high black nylons and heels trying to scrub gum off the butt of my pants with a hairbrush and handsoap.  Not my finest moment.

Another one of my not-finest-moments occurred just the next day when I forgot I used the brush to scrub off my butt gum and used it to brush my hair.  And then got some gum in my hair.  Luckily I was able to pick it out and didn’t have to get the rest of my hair cut off.

We also celebrated Ryan’s birthday in my bloggy absence.  He turned 28.  Which is totally old enough to have babies in my opinion but WHATEVER.  And then my friend Julie and I had a birthday/Halloween party for Ryan and for her fiancĂ© Caleb.  I dressed as a non-slutty bunny and Ryan and my sister Jordan’s boyfriend Jake somehow coordinated a whole Brokeback Mountain thing without telling anyone else.  Seriously, when I left to set up the party at Julie’s Ryan was sitting on the couch in his sweatpants and no shirt and had no plans to dress up at all.  Then like two hours later he’s all “Surprise! Gay Cowboy!”


Howdy Ma'am.  Do you like my belt?  It's a ladies belt.  And then Jordan was like "It's true, he's wearing my belt."

And this was after I tried to convince Ryan to do a couple’s costume with me and he was vehemently opposed.  I believe his exact word actually was “Yuck.”

Anywho, we also attended a Bears’ game and a Northwestern tailgate that we had to leave early because Ryan was suffering from food poisoning for the second time in two months.

Because he went back to the place that gave him food poisoning the first time.  And ate the SAME THING.

Actually he told me he didn’t get the same thing so I rubbed his feet and murmured sweet things and softly sang some soothing lullabies to ease his pain.

Until I found out that what he ate this time was a grilled chicken salad sandwich. Then I banged a bottle of Gatorade down outside the bathroom door and called it a night. Because what he ate last time was a GRILLED CHICKEN SANDWICH.  It seems Ryan thinks that mayonnaise and grape halves and slivered almonds can defeat salmonella.  What a dummy.

Neither of us got any sleep that night.  Him because of the salmonella and me because of all of the tortured weeping coming from the bathroom.

If you somehow made it to the bottom of this ridiculously long post, then I thank you.

And I’ll talk to you again soon K?

6 comments:

  1. Depression sucks. Hope you are feeling better. Still love your writing. Especially when you talk about dill pickles and cheese sticks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carly M.11/07/2011

    So very glad to see you writing again :) And, kudos to you for being so open and candid, that takes a lot of strength and courage. That cartoon was funny as it was painfully accurate, good find... And your loyal blogstalkers will still be here, so write when you can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Emily

    Thanks for continuing to read a blog that is like seriously never updated. Another dill pickle post coming soon. Well actually, probably not, but it's the the thought that counts right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Carly
    I'm feeling pretty good now. Mostly because I got a really late really nice wedding present in the mail all unexpectedly today but also because of the lingering happy feelings generated by the delicious strawberry milkshake I sucked down yesterday.

    And also because you helped me realize my dream of living in a Lovesac-free world.

    So Thank You for that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Carly M.11/07/2011

    It was our great pleasure to help you realize your dream. Although, I gotta say, getting the Lovesac down the stairs was ridiculously hard. It may never come back up, by the sheer physics involved... Not that you would mind though, right? ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Carly
    Don't even ever hint at that thing reentering my life. Things are so much better without it.

    ReplyDelete

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