My Life is Perfect and Wonderful

I have been an extremely clumsy person my entire life.  I usually manage to hurt myself at least once a day.  This combined with the fact that I bruise like a peach means I am COVERED in bruises at all times.  When I sprout an especially nice grapefruit-sized bruise I send a picture of it to my friend Vanessa.  I occasionally place a dime next to the bruise for scale purposes.  She LOVES these pictures.  She LIVES for them. She has never threatened to block me from her phone if I send her one more picture of my shoulder bone/kneecap/inner thigh.  But that’s an entirely different story. 

As I was saying, I am a clumsy oaf of a girl.  It is some sort of miracle that I have made it to the ripe old age of 27 and a half.  Just last night I sliced my middle finger open while cutting French bread for Ryan’s homemade meatball sandwich.  And I sort of screamed and Ryan popped up from the couch where he had been relaxing topless eating cherries to see me standing at the counter covered in blood cradling my hand.  So naturally he freaks out.  He leaps over the back of the couch and runs into the kitchen as I stand there in pain trying to find something to wrap around my poor wounded hand.  “Oh my God Lauren,” he yells, “Did it get on the bread?”    

When I calmed down, I posted this picture of him online in revenge.  Because revenge, unlike Ryan’s precious meatball sandwiches, really is a dish best served cold.

Why Yes.  This IS Ryan Sitting on a Dragon in a Bouncy Thing.

While Eating Meatball Sandwich
Ryan: “Do you think this is sauce or blood?”
Lauren: “sauce you idiot”

Two Minutes Later
Ryan: “Do you think this is sauce or blood?”
Lauren: “SAUCE Ryan

Much Later That Night:
Lauren: “Actually I think that second one may have been blood.”


  1. Carly M.8/09/2011

    I love the fact that he was eating cherries shirtless, because as we discovered Saturday, he is a messy eater when it comes to red things. Only the super power of hairspray (or apparently lemons?) can remove the evidence of a Ryan cherry eating binge.

    Also, cute picture...

  2. @Carly

    Yes he has actually been forbidden to eat cherries while wearing a shirt because I've gotten really tired of him running up to me holding a cherry stained shirt whining "My Shiiiirrrt"

  3. braelin8/09/2011

    Your writing is hilarious. Found your blog through YHL. Love it!

  4. @braelin

    Thank You! Seriously that made me smile so hard.

  5. hahaha. love the revenge picture. as i tell all my married and soon-to-be married friends, the best marriages are built on lies and manipulation... and maybe revenge pictures like these :)

  6. @Estephania

    I wholeheartedly agree. Lies and manipulation all the way. I also personally enjoy instilling a bit of fear into my marriage. It pleases me that Ryan's internal monologue probably just consists of him thinking "Oh God, What is she scheming now?"

    Thanks for reading!

  7. HAHA! Now if only I had a picture of one of your bruises to post...

    Also, I'm glad Lila wasn't over while Ryan was shirtlessly eating cherries. She probably would have bit his nipple again.

  8. @Vanessa

    Next time you probably should clarify that Lila is your small dog. I really don't need people thinking I have friends that casually bite my husband's nipple from time to time.

  9. when he REALLY messes up... add caption to the revenge picture please. AND if he gets mad, remind him he posed for the picture...can't get mad at PUBLIC property now can you??

    1. It's sort of hilarious to me that you commented on this post today because I am totally making Ryan meatball sandwiches tonight!

      I'll definitely update if anything goes awry this time around.


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