Five Things Friday - Things That Scare the Heckfire Out of Me Edition

1.  Any body of water that is not transparent.  If I can’t see the bottom then my bottom is staying out of it.  Oceans are full of jellyfish.  Rivers are full of alligators and don’t even get me started on lakes and the freakish creatures that call them home.  Like snapping turtles for example.  Also snakes, sometimes poisonous ones.  And somebody told me once that catfish have teeth.  I don’t know if this is entirely true but at this point I find myself unable to rule it out as an option.  Plus seaweed is slimy and feels suspiciously like some sort of eel when it brushes against you and having a competition to see who can pull the biggest piece of seaweed out of the mud at the bottom of the lake with their toes is just disgusting RYAN.  Also, I just want to point out that lakes and rivers are the places that dangerous animals like elephants and moose and GRIZZLY BEARS go to drink.  And honestly my favorite place to be in this world is anywhere a bear is not.  I’d much rather be where I go to drink, namely, my couch, in front of my tv, which is currently playing Love in the Wild again.  So go swim in your dirty lakes and your shark-infested oceans and rivers that move entirely too fast and end in giant fall-to-your-death waterfalls but don’t come crying to me when you get bitten by a catfish.

Me On A Lake.  Other People Were Obviously Having Fun.  And Wearing my Headband.


2.  Heights.  I have serious height-induced vertigo.  This used to make Ryan irritable (what doesn’t though?) because it meant I would not step foot on our balcony.  Then he realized it meant he had a place to go whenever he needed to get away from my incessant and incredibly entertaining and worthwhile chatter for a while.  Then he realized that when he did that I could just open the window and talk at to him that way.  Then he realized that this was going to be his life for the rest of his life.  Then he jumped off the balcony.  Not really, but he confessed that he did consider it as an option shortly “right around when you started talking about how you forgot to shave your legs before you went to the gynecologist and so you had to shave them with a cheap plastic razor in the bathroom at work before your appointment.”  But seriously, I do not like heights.  The idea of a glass-bottomed Grand Canyon viewing area just horrifies me.  Because you can see through it, to your death and to that horrible river just flowing away all rapidly at the bottom.

So yeah.  Turns out I don’t like things you can see through and things you can’t see through.
3.  The idea of an apocalypse.  Obviously.  What if the sun burns out?  What if some sort of solar flare or meteorite just kills half the world suddenly?  What if  a virus devastates the world and turns everyone it touches into a zombie?  Because I can’t run that fast.  What if the Mayans were right?  What if aliens invade and zap everything that moves with their ray guns?  What if Jesus appears in robes of flowing golden silk, his flowing hair just flowing and flowing behind him and calls all his followers to him and leaves the pagans to burn?  And then Ryan was like “sounds like more of a relief than anything to me.”  And then I think he whispered “imagine, silence forever."

4.  Scary movies.  I can’t watch them.  They feed the Night Terrors.  A lot of people don’t like and don’t watch scary movies, but for me it goes so much further.  Because to me the term ‘scary movie’ might as well mean ‘just about any movie.’  Seriously, I can’t even watch Harry Potter alone.  I can’t even watch Beauty and the Beast alone.  And after watching Twilight I was actually legitimately scared that a vampire was going to come and get me.  A VAMPIRE.  I would lay in bed when Ryan was working nights and just picture him floating up to our top window and just tapping on the glass and smiling before he smashed through in a beautiful glittering blood-hungry fury.  A VAMPIRE.  I don’t know why movies affect me in this way but they do.  I am extremely susceptible to them.  I can read the scariest book imaginable before bed and sleep blissfully, but if a cartoon wolf chases a girl through the woods, I’m done for.  Wolves AND Lions padding out of the closet that night.

5.  And finally my biggest gnawing fear.  The thing that keeps me awake at night.  The thing that would be worse than zombies.  The fear that somehow all the books in the world might one day just spontaneously combust and there will be nothing left to read and I will be forced to like...socialize or like ride a bike or GOD FORBID GO CAMPING.  
Quite.

10 comments:

  1. I have to share with you - I have actually BEEN ON the Glass Bottom Thing at the Grand Canyon. I didn't wet myself, but I also didn't let go of the rail...and I didn't pick up my feet, I sort of slid along...and I didn't you know, bend at all. Because it was some scary shiznit.

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  2. @Emily

    You are so much braver than I. I don't even like thinking about that viewing area. I get uncomfortable visiting my sister in Arizona because it's hard for me to be in the same state as that thing. And I totally get the not bending. I could see how bending would be a really bad idea in that situation.

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  3. Anonymous2/16/2012

    New reader here. Starting from the beginning and doing absolutely nothing at work until everything is read. Based on this list of COMPLETELY RATIONAL AND NOT AT ALL INSANE fears, I am pretty sure we are the same person. So, nice to meet me.

    Melissa

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    1. Welcome! Goodluck on reading everything at once...I don't even think I could do that, too much ridiculous in too little time.

      Sometimes I even have to take naps to get away from myself for a little while.

      And it's very nice to meet you. Anyone that gets this post, is someone I want to know.

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  4. Camping. *shudders violently* That would make it onto my list of phobias alone, forget the destruction of books first!

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    Replies
    1. I know! My parents used to make us go camping like every single weekend all summer growing up, it was horrid.

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  5. Holy balls. It's like you read my journal. Except I don't keep a journal. Who has time for that?

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    Replies
    1. I'm not sure how I missed this comment, but it's seriously making me laugh out loud at work.

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  6. Camping is not natural. If we were supposed to camp, our ancestors would have lived in caves and stuff. My ancestors are from Wales. That's in Great Britain and they have the Olympics so you know they never lived in caves. I think camping is illegal there. That's why they've been a civilized country for like 2,000 years.

    My 10 year old daughter went to a church camp this year. I was totally against it but I lost the battle to The Spouse. She's 8 kinds of wicked and I think she said an incantation that made me incompetent for a while. At least she didn't make me incontinent! Anyway, my daughter came back from the experience a little bit different. I'm still watching her for signs of malaria, dysentery, zombie apocalypsism ( that's totally a word, ask Ryan, he'll tell you), and other conditions.

    www.therecoveringprincipal.blogspot.com.

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  7. Oh boy, same as me on everything (I do mean EVERYTHING) except I read The Zombie Survival Handbook and wouldn't go outside at night for at least a month unless I was sprinting from a vehicle to a house or a house to a vehicle. I totally mean it, sprinting. I don't like to sprint, so I just didn't leave the house after dark very much. So, books can make me quite irrational. I watch movies with a blankie so I can hide under it when I get scared. Yes, I am a 26 year old mother of 2, I am not ashamed. Glad to know I'm not alone with my "unique" isims. Really enjoying your blog, let's start at the very beginning, a very fun place to start!

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