Five Things Friday - The Things I Do When Ryan is Out of Town For The Weekend Edition

1. Tell Ryan before he leaves about all of the hundreds of things I am going to get done while he’s gone.  “I am going to clean the whole house and go grocery shopping and get a pedicure and go to the gym every day.  It’s going to be great.”  And then he leaves and I’m like PLEASE and I hire cleaning ladies and place a grocery order with Peapod and put on socks to hide my ugly toes and overnight a new pair of Spanx so that it looks like I’ve been working out when he gets home.  He has no idea.  And I’m not that worried about posting this here because I am pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog.  Because I’ll always be “So what was your favorite part about today’s post?” And he’s like “Oh, you know, all of it.”  And I’ll be all “even the part where you got eaten by a lion?” And then he flinches a bit and looks a little surprised but says “OH, yeah, uh huh, especially that part.”

2. Eat dinners that do not actually contain any meat.  I was a vegetarian for a while earlier in my life and I still enjoy meat free meals pretty frequently for lunch, just never for dinner.  Because I could never serve a vegetarian meal to Ryan for dinner.  Because Ryan is a MAN and RYAN NEED MEAT.  Me..not so much.  If there ever actually was a zombie apocalypse and Ryan and I turned into zombies he would walk around all "BRAAINS LIVERRS APPENDIXXES" and I would be all "FINGERNAAILS MUSTACHHES EARRWAX."  I would be the worst zombie ever.  Now for your viewing pleasure here is a picture of Ryan as a zombie.

"What Happened To My Eye LAUREN?"
  3. Let the dogs sleep in the bed.  This is not because I want to cuddle with them all night, it is because I need the protection.  I am a huge scaredy cat.  If I am alone at bedtime then I have to walk around our condo checking in every closet and under every bed for monsters and murderers.  And then a couple of months ago I had the horrifying idea that I should check all the bathroom cabinets and behind the tv and inside the cooler sitting in the hallway because what if the bad guy was a little person or like really limber and bendy?  In case you were wondering, I fully realize the futility of my search.  Because if I happen to actually come across someone or something in my efforts it's not like I would be able to like shout "AHA! Gotcha!" and then escort them/it to the door.  ACTUALLY...I think I'm going to start carrying a knife around with me during my checks.  At least then I stand a stabbing chance.
I Eat Murderers For Breakfast.  Breakfast Isn't For Another Hour.
4. Not get dressed..or you know, shower.  I don't mean to say that I walk around all naked all weekend, because I definitely do not.  I just mean that I do not take off my sweatpants all weekend.  Regular clothes just seem superfluous if Ryan is not here to judge me and be all like "Is that seriously what you are wearing to the grocery store?  You look like you just escaped from a mental institution mumble mumble sort of act like it too."  And sometimes, I don't even wear my own sweatpants, but instead steal a pair of Ryan's because they are way bigger and thus way comfier.  And I realize that this makes me like a complete and utter fool when I am taking the dogs out and run into someone I know in the elevator when I am trying to hold my pants up with one hand and attempting to unentangle myself from the leashes of two small dogs with the other all the while having to make small talk about the weather and the size of the tomatoes at the farmer's market this morning, but really, I don't care.

UPDATE: Ryan read the last couple of paragraphs and then looked at me all incredulously and was like "I feel like I should start having you committed while I am out of town."  And so I just pointed to my ring finger and was like "I AM committed RYAN.  Remember?  In Sickness and In Health, For Richer and For Poorer, Til DEATH Do Us Part?"  And he was like "Well you've certainly got the sickness part down pat."

Also, turns out he DOES read the blog.  Uh Oh.

Stupid Ryan.  I am in PERFECT Mental Health.
 5. Read.  Read all day everyday except for when I am watching bad tv and eating shredded cheese out of the bag with a spoon.  I make a stack of like four or five books in the order in which I want to read them and then stack them on the coffee table and park myself on the couch and literally don't move for hours.  It is my favorite way to spend a Saturday.  This is not funny, I apologize, I can't make jokes about books.  It would hurt their feelings.

Hey Blogstalkers, What do YOU do when you're home all alone?

  

8 comments:

  1. Annie G.12/03/2011

    Paint! Pictures. Not that I'm any good at it, but for me, it stops time. Thanks for asking.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Annie G.

    Oh wow, art. That is the thing I am worst at in this world. Even my stick figures turn out wonky.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You use a spoon to eat shredded cheese out of the bag?! Novel idea ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm just wondering about the books. Do you mean that you read one after the other? Like a entire book in one sitting? Or do you read a few chapters from each?

    Because, I love to read and read a lot of non-fiction and it takes me WAY longer to read just one book. I have about five going at once and read a few chapters from each, usually focusing on one or two for a few days.

    Do I just read REALLY SLOWLY??

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm just wondering about the books. Do you mean that you read one after the other? Like a entire book in one sitting? Or do you read a few chapters from each?

    Because, I love to read and read a lot of non-fiction and it takes me WAY longer to read just one book. I have about five going at once and read a few chapters from each, usually focusing on one or two for a few days.

    Do I just read REALLY SLOWLY??

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hahahaha, LOL'ing at your zombie diet.

    I do the exact same as you.
    Except i swap sweats (because i regularly trip) for shorts and really long socks (because HELLO cold legs!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I eat shredded cheese out of the bag by just pouring it into my mouth. And I also love to spend a day off just reading, but my boyfriend often wants to play Wii because he beats me at, like, every game. So sometimes when he is not here I practice in secret so one day I can beat him and be all, "man, I'm getting good at this!" and he'll hate it but still love me at the same time. :3

    ReplyDelete
  8. I eat shredded cheese out of the bag by just pouring it into my mouth. And I also love to spend a day off just reading, but my boyfriend often wants to play Wii because he beats me at, like, every game. So sometimes when he is not here I practice in secret so one day I can beat him and be all, "man, I'm getting good at this!" and he'll hate it but still love me at the same time. :3

    ReplyDelete

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