Five Things Friday - Questions I Need Answered Immediately.

Are you supposed to empty the lint tray in the dryer right after your load of laundry is finished?  Or right before you do another?  Because I have always just emptied it right away, as soon as my laundry is done.  But Ryan thinks that it is appropriate to let the lint just chill in the tray until he is about to dry his next load of laundry.  The problem with this is that sometimes I am the next person to use the dryer and then I have to delint the tray even though it was his stupid sweatpants that linted it up in the first place.  So I feel like I’m doing double-lint duty.  Is it crazy that this bothers me?  Would it be wrong to save Ryan’s dryer lint until he is sleeping and then put it in his mouth and tell him it’s double-lint gum?

How much would you say is an appropriate amount to talk to one’s animals?  If the answer is not, “oh like constantly whenever one is around one’s animals,” then I may be overdoing it a bit.  But in fairness to me, Ryan worked nights for 18 fricking months and I had no one to talk to besides either myself or the dogs and the dogs just seemed like a saner alternative.  So I’m going to forgive myself for exclaiming “Daisy do you see that monkey!? Do you want to eat that monkey?” while watching Love In The Wild last night.  I’m also going to forgive myself for watching Love In The Wild in the first place.

Oh Sam and Mike Please Fall In Love.  Please Please Please.

When you go over to your best friend’s apartment to visit, whether announced or unannounced, is he/she usually naked when you get there?  Oh just my best friend then?  Yeah I thought so. (Disclaimer: I don’t actually see her naked.  I just have to wait in the hall until she puts clothes on after I knock.)

An OK Picture of Us.  At Least She's Wearing Clothes.

Is it, would you say, normal to injure one’s self while asleep? Does it happen to anyone else A LOT?  Because I do it A LOT.  Besides the normal bumps and bruises from kneeing myself in the mouth or somehow getting most of my hand stuck in my hair and then pulling out a lot of hair, I have these lovely little things called Night Terrors  that in some instances have ended with me flinging myself off the bed and into a piece furniture while still fully asleep.  Once from the top bunk of a bunk bed my sophomore year of college.  That was the day I took up swearing.  Seriously, I NEVER swore at all before that.  (Except for one time when my sisters made me really really mad when I was a senior in high school and I was like “You know what…you can just….go to hell.”  And then they laughed at me for ten years.)  I have also recently thrown myself out of my current bed into the dresser and gifted myself with a golf ball-sized lump on the back of my head because I was pretty sure a lion was slowly creeping out of Ryan’s closet.  It was really painful and I cried but I do like the fact that if a lion were indeed stalking out of the closet in the middle of the night that I would just throw myself out of the way and let the lion have his way with my husband.  I have crazy pants survival instincts even when asleep.  Also, my bedtime routine has now been expanded from checking the bed for spiders to checking the bed for spiders and the closet for lions.

Sidebar: If you’ve read the spider story in a previous post - Can you imagine if I accidentally overlooked a lion one night and then as Ryan was getting mauled by said lion he was all “Oh good job checking for lions last night Lauren.”

Noooo!! Don't Eat Ryan!!

Do any of the three of you reading this (hi Dad!) have a question for me?


  1. Lauren - So what would you say is the CORRECT way to hang a roll of toilet paper? I only ask because while we (thankfully) support the same Chicago baseball team (Go Cubs!!!) my husband and I do not support the same toliet paper hanging protocol. I say over, so you pull down from the front, which is how ours is hung 99.9% of the time. I always do it this way, ever since I watched the episode of The Simpsons where social services come to take the Simpson children from Homer and Marge's care, and they cite one of the reasons as their incorrectly hung TP. Not that I fear rebuke from cartoon characters, nor do I have children that could be taken away by said cartoon characters - however I do fear my houseguests using one of my four toilets on that day that makes up the .01% of the time where my husband has actually hung a roll of TP. Cuz let's face it, men don't hang TP really like ever, but rather sit it on the back of the toilet or the sink or whatever. So friends go in, thinking my house is lovely and quite well put together, until they see the roll on the holder, and they recall an episode of The Simpsons and they come out quietly mocking me. So which is truly the correct way to hang a roll, wise Lauren? (I trust your judgement and promise that even if you prefer the UNDER method, cartoon DCFS workers will not come take your future children away to live with your neighbors, the Flanders.)

  2. Jessica "McWeber"7/22/2011

    1) I have always de-linted asap because someone, somewhere, told me that it could cause a fire. I am now at the age that I realize it could be hazardous if the lint is STILL in the lint tray. . . plus my husband is (I can't believe I am admitting this. . .) cleaner than I am.

    2) I think you are totally sane. Or together, we are completely, certifiably insane. I would not go with the later. Gracie and I tend to have remarkable conversations such as, "What are we going to make for dinner Gracie-bear?" or, "Can you believe she said Bentley AGAIN?" AND I even sometimes think I can read her thoughts. (Crazzzzy I know. . . but case and point. . .) For example, on Tuesday when it was too hot to even blink, I opened up the door to take Gracie out to "Do her business" and she looked up, gave me the biggest "Andre" eyes of her life, put her tail between her legs and took a step back. Pretty sure in that moment she was thinking, "Mommy, why are you abusing me like this. . . I'll go on the potty!" (PS - "Andre" eyes reference that movie from the late '90s featuring that adorable seal Andre. Google it and you'll see!)

    3) About said neighbor, I blame the new boyfriend. 'Nuff said. :-)

    4) Pretty sure I have your night terrors too. Don't know where 85% of my bruises come from. I could blame the 60+ pound dog though. They starting appearing more frequently once she came into our lives. As for the spider situation, at least you have a night in shining armor - my hubby jumps just as high, if not higher, at the mere mentions of anything creepy crawly. One of these days, I swear, we will have to "rock-paper-scissors" from atop whatever furniture we have leaped onto. Or we will just call Ryan and wait for him to arrieve via Metra! :-)

    5) There are FOUR of us. :-) And my question is "What is your guilty pleasure?" I have several. . . but this is YOUR blog after all!

  3. Anonymous7/23/2011

    I keep seeing the ads to "Learn a language now"! So, I bought Rosetta Stone and finished it in one night. It was almost too easy. DAD

  4. There are FIVE of us!!! And I swear I was fully clothed when I read this and as I post this comment, as I am most of the time. Lauren, I swear that you must hang out in my hallway, wait for the sound of the hairdryer, and then knock on my door because the obvious cause for my nakedness is that hair drying process causes my bathroom to turn into a sauna. And I'd rather your question not be, 'why is it that everytime I see my best friend she is a sweaty mess?'. Because that would be worse than being naked. Nuff said ;-)

  5. Now that that's out, here's what I have to say for the others....

    1 - I always delint after each load of laundry. Sometimes mid-load actually. I suppose you could say I'm a little OCD with my delinting habits. Either that, or my dryer is extra linty.

    2 - I sometimes talk to my Lila bear as well. But more often than not I just look at her and shake my head. Like right now... she is still meticulously working on surgically removing the squeaker out of the poor little lizard that you gave her two days ago. She hasn't put it down yet. But more often than not I say things like, 'you're so pretty Lila Beans, yes you know you are so pretty' or 'aren't you so excited to see your Teddy Bear, Lila Bear?'. Not so conversational, but that doesn't make you and Jess "McWeber" crazy. I have my days :-)

    4 - You better not have had any night terrors lately, because it has been quite awhile since I have received a text message from you of with a picture of a bruise (and penny for scale).

    Carly - I'm with you on the TP. I just don't understand why anyone would want it on the roll 'backwards'. Maybe Alex does that just so you'll change the roll of TP 99.9% of the time. Kind of how Ryan purposely used a stinky sponge to seal the envelopes of his and Lauren's save the dates. Obviously she wasn't going to 'let' him do any more of them. Sounds like you guys have a couple of smart men on your hands.

  6. Anonymous7/23/2011

    smart men is an oxymoron

  7. Anonymous7/29/2011

    I am anxiously awaiting today's 5 Things Friday post. Bored. at. work.

  8. @Carly

    Clearly toilet paper is supposed to hang in the "over" fashion. Sometimes I even fold the bottom of mine into a little triangle like they do at hotels, just to be fancy.

  9. @Jessica "McWeber"

    While I am definitely cleaner than my husband (funny word right?) he's most certainly neater than me. I like to leave clothes in piles on the floor of the bathroom. Oh well, at least it's a clean floor.

    I also read my dogs thoughts, but my dogs might be kind of "simple" because it usually just sounds something like "bones bones bones, squirrel, bark, tree, sniff, bones, bones bones."

    Ryan is a good spider killer, but don't call him if a BIRD gets into your house god forbid.

    Guilty Pleasures hmmm..Well cheese, but I think that's pretty obvious by now. Also, I sleep way too late on the weekends and read entirely too many blogs. Also I buy really expensive shoes and then never wear them because they hurt my feet.

  10. @Vanessa

    1. You delint midload? You are a crazy person.

    2. Now everyone knows you call your boyfriend Teddy Bear. And that is embarassing.

  11. @DAD

    Stop spamming my blog you big dumb.
    Now I'm going to have to tell everyone how I can name all the countries in the world faster and better than you can.

  12. @Anonymous (mom?)

    I agree.

  13. You are freaking hilarious. I took a break and actually did some work but I wanted to read the rest of your posts.

    I wanted to share (again. Feel free to tell me to stop.) that when I'm stressed I talk/walk/whatever in my sleep. Once I told Boyfriend that the floor was all shiny and wet (it was completely dark in the room and we had carpet). I was very insistent and wouldn't take no for an answer so he woke me up and then I freaked out because why was I standing? And why was I pointing at the carpet? The most recent terror was spiders on the headboard. Like, all over. So I was screaming (still asleep), telling Jer to turn on the lights (again, still sleeping), and checking out the headboard (we don't have one). So I can identify. But I've never been wounded due to the terrors. Probably just dumb luck.

  14. @Emily

    Feel free to leave as many comments as your little heart desires. Comments are my most favorite thing in the world. So a comment that calls me freaking hilarious is my most favorite thing in the universe. I totally totally can commiserate about the Night Terrors. They are like the bane of my nighttime existence. And I am TERRIFIED of spiders in my bed so that one seems really particularly bad to me. My worst one to date was thinking there was this awful beautiful blue-eyed children of the corn boy just standing by the side of my bed looking at me. I don't know how that's worse than the lion but it was just the creepiest thing imaginable. Thanks Again for reading!

  15. Anonymous1/23/2012

    OH my god. I started reading your blog tonight and started from the most recent post, and even though they are all pretty hilarious, this one was the first one to make me suddenly and uncontrollably laugh out loud TWICE. hahaha. THIS "Would it be wrong to save Ryan’s dryer lint until he is sleeping and then put it in his mouth and tell him it’s double-lint gum?" and THIS "I do like the fact that if a lion were indeed stalking out of the closet in the middle of the night that I would just throw myself out of the way" O, man. thank you for the gift of laughter added to my night alone while hubby is at school :) Oh, by the way, I found your blog from pinterest (best site evaaarrr!) and I'm a 23 year old girl from san diego. Just thought you might be interested in some of the demographics of one of your readers ;) ~Cheryl

    1. First - sorry for not replying sooner. I was lame and in bed by the time you commented last night. (It was after ten Chicago time, I swear I don't go to bed at eight.) Second - I LOVE pinterest and was completely and totally unaware of the fact that something from this here little blog existed on that site!! But it makes me furiously happy that it does. Furiously happy.

      And I know how nights alone go, ugh. Ryan worked nights for 18 months as a clerk before he actually became a trader. Yuck.

      So excited that I was able to make you laugh. I actually sort of suck at making people laugh in real life. (To clarify, people do laugh AT me quite a bit, just not often with me.)

    2. Anonymous1/24/2012

      Haha, you're hilarious in writing. I'm not really funny in person, either, but my passion is writing, so I understand how it can let out your true self ;) ...And sometimes I think up comedy routines in my head haha!

      Ok, I totally lied (it was an accidental lie!!!). I didn't find your blog from pinterest. It was from Bower Power while I was trolling the comments. I seriously just paused for 10 minutes to figure out how I found you. But since I am always simultaneously on pinterest and blogs, my brain got confused. :/ Now I feel like I should post something from your site on pinterest to make up for it haha. Like your wedding photos---you look so gorgeous in them!!! ~Cheryl

    3. You think up comedy routines in your head and I think up dance routines with Justin Timberlake in mine. To be fair, I'm a terrible dancer, which is why these routines exist in my head and only in my head.

      And no worries about the pinterest confusion. The fact that you read my blog is quite enough for me. Doesn't matter a bit where you've come from.

      And yes my wedding photos...they are what I like to call 'false advertising.' I am not half that lovely in real life. When I saw them, I actually tried to hire my makeup artist and my photographer on a permanent basis, to just follow me around in real life, applying lipstick and taking beautiful pictures as necessary. They both had "other obligations." ::sigh:: tis life.

  16. I know this is old but I wanted to tell you I went to high school with jessica from in the wild:) she is that cute and sweet in real life:) we went to a small high school where pretty much everyone is friends:p

    1. AHH! And now your comment is old and you'll never see my reply. But that is so cool. I am seriously obsessed with that show and she was one of the only sweet normal girls on it.

  17. Melannie11/13/2012

    hahahahahahahaha!!! "double-lint gum"...bahahaha!! I started reading this tonight and I can't stop!!
    My two cents: I also used to work at a grocery store and now group my groceries together on the belt, don't say anything if the cashier starts messing with the order and then I rearrange the items when I get to the car; My animals all have nicknames("Hanker-Panks"=Hank, "Team Annoying"=my partner and the 1y/o dog), I talk to them b/c it makes me feel less crazy, meanwhile the b/f sings them songs about themselves (Oh PUMpkin! You came and nowIcan't find my waaaalllllet); I get "dryer-lint angry" when the toilet paper roll is under and usually then spend my hand washing time reminding myself that I can't yell at him over toilet paper b/c then he'll never listen to me again about, he cleans all the time and you do nothing but make "piles"; sometimes I also fold the tp into a little triangle and think about the best summer of my life(in the Yukon)when I worked as a chambermaid (usually happens right after I find he's replaced the roll once this year).

    Anyway......great blog!! Thank you for sharing!
    p.s: I walk in my sleep but I use my talent for evil. I often find myself awake, out of bed, leaning over my (just waking up) partner.... Sometimes I don't wake up and when he squeaks in surprise and wakes me, I get super pissy and stomp back to my side of the bed. HA!
    Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if the toilet paper went on the roll properly..... :)


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