Five Things Friday - The Apparently I Don't Know How to Count to Five Edition

Sorry for not posting again sooner but I’ve spent the last six or so days trying to recover from the cold of eternal misery, perpetual anguish and everlasting snot.  Seriously, it has not been a good week for this girl.  And Ryan is absolutely no help.  When he’s sick I have to sit by his bed and like wipe his nose for him while singing “Here Comes the Sun.”  But when I’m sick he’s all “It’s not the PLAGUE Lauren, it’s just a cold.” So then I went into the bathroom and rubbed his toothbrush all around my just-a-cold-germ-infested mouth.  And let me tell you something else, when he’s mysteriously sick next week he’s going to need to find someone else to go buy him crackers and Gatorade at the gas station at three in the morning.  Because I am tired of getting crackers thrown at me at three fifteen in the morning because they are not the correct kind of crackers.

Well that was long and sort of angry.  I apologize for that. Colds make me a bit sad and stabby.

Thank You NPH, I Needed That.
  I’m going to try to counteract the sadness and the stabbiness with a MORE than Five Things Friday post about things that make me happy.  Most of these things are taken from, which is the most awesome website of all time.  It is also very exclusive, obviously, if I’m a member.  I’ll send you an invite if you ask me nicely. 

Ok for real this just makes me laugh out loud like every single time I look at it.  I miss Arrested Development pretty hard.  I was trying to explain the magic (excuse me illusion) of the show to one of my coworkers yesterday but I couldn’t stop laughing because I was all “And then a seal eats his hand and then he has a hook for a hand and he doesn’t have to be in the army and Tobias is a never-nude who wants to join the Blue Man Group and George-Michael has a crush on Maybe who is his cousin which is awkward but it’s ok because then he gets a girlfriend and her name is Egg,” and my coworker was just looking at me like I was crazy.

This is so awesome to me because of something that happened last Halloween.  My sister Jordan and her friend Jessica went out with Ryan and me.  We went to a house party and then to a bar and over the course of the night Jessica became quite intoxicated.  So we all climbed in a cab and directed the driver to her apartment.  When we got there she wobbled to the door and yelled “Thanks Guys, I owe you a Klondike Bar.”  It was random and hysterical.  Less hysterical is the fact that I still have not received my Klondike Bar Jessica.

Seriously, LAUREN.  And if you ever get that Klondike bar and eat it, you had better lift some fucking weights too.

Also, Take Out The Garbage.

I am also kind of a big deal when it comes to the following things:

Locating and naming all of the countries in the world faster than my dad can.  And now I’m working on capitals.  HA! Take that DAD!

16 Inch Co-Rec Softball.  I pitch.  It’s a glorious beautiful thing.  Ryan plays right field because he’s not very good.  He plays the bench when we have enough people.  We tell him it’s because he’s good at keeping the scorecard.  That’s not why.  It’s because he’s not very good at softball.  Also, he’s really not even that good at keeping the scorecard.

Following proper elevator protocol, which seems to be a dying art.  Stop talking on the phone and listening to your terrible music too loudly and Yes I did in fact just smack you with one of my crutches because you tried to clamber into the elevator before I, the girl on crutches, got out.  I don’t regret it.  I would do it again.  Also, it’s sort of ridiculous to yell “hold the elevator” when you are still twenty feet away and there are seven other elevators.  So, you know, I don’t.  I push the door close button instead and pretend like I’m scrambling to hit the door open button.  And then if I’m alone in the elevator, and I suppose even sometimes when I’m not, I laugh my evil laugh. 

I feel like I’m also going to be a really big deal at being crotchety when I’m old, if I’m already this huffy and ornery at 27 (and a half, I KNOW Ryan, stop reminding me.)

Exactly.  The sole reason I married my lovely darling Ryan is because he knows the difference between ‘who’ and ‘whom’.  The fact that he empties the dishwasher and buys me presents and lets me write evil things about him on my blog was just icing on the wedding cake.


What? I told you I was feeling stabby today.
Ryan, Can you buy me one of these?  Thanks!

And finally, just for laughs, here is a picture of me at the end of my Bachelorette Party when I fell backwards into the tub at the hotel.  My spine and butt were so bruised the next day. 

And here is a picture of my sister Jordan and my friend Vanessa at my other Bachelorette Party in Orlando pretending to be moose (mooses?).  Because they were drunk and suggestible.

There were so many people around.
Welp.  Must go because it's after five and it’s Friday and you know what that means.



  1. Loved! Just what I needed after a weekend of seeing the sights in Chi-town (next time I see you, remind me about the craziness that went down at Vertigo bar. . . re-DONK-ulous. . .)

    Also, you'd be happy to know that your blog just made it to my favorites list - seriously, you crack me up. To the point where I will be cooking dinner and then laugh out loud - to which Matt asks, "What's so funny?" and I have to respond "oh, something Lauren said today on her blog. . ." :-)

    And it is moose. One "ginormous" moose. A herd of slightly-stupid moose.

    I'll gladly edit the book that comes from this blog. . . :-)

  2. @Jess

    Your comment just seriously made my week. Comments in general always make me screech, but yours was particularly lovely. I get so dorkily happy whenever someone tells me they read my silly little blog. If I ever write a book the editing privileges are all yours, promise.

    and "A herd of slightly-stupid moose" made me giggle, because that is exactly what Jordan and Vanessa were that day, a small herd of slightly-stupid and extremely-tipsy moose."

    Excited about the Vertigo story!

  3. I've never seen Arrested Development, and your description totally made me want to.
    It bothers me so much that the 'i' isn't capitalised in the "I love being yours" picture. Guess I shouldn't have capitalised it in the quote, should I? Your blog makes me rambly and I love it. I just discovered Pinterest as well (as well as discovering you, that is), and I'm now wondering if it would be impolite to ask you for an invite on a months old post when it's my first comment and you don't know me, and I don't know how it works, if you get like lots of invites or just a few.
    Anyway. Love your blog.

  4. @Lisa

    Oh how I love it when I make people rambly. It makes me feel not quite as alone in the world, since Rambly is like my middle name. (Notice how I capitalized that since I am using it as a proper noun.)

    I'm Pinterest obsessed and would be overjoyed to fuel the fire of someone else - so just shoot me your email address to and I'll send you the invite!

    Also - turns out my middle name is actually Rae and not Rambly.

  5. I'm new to your blog! But I absolutely love it! I've been reading it for a few days now. You sound like such a sweetie :) (non-creepy way of course). I've added you to the top of my bookmarks! Anyways :) thanks for the laughs, oh and for directing me to pinterest as well! Love love LOVE it!

    Oh and @Jess! I do the same too! And my fiance is a "Matt" too! :)....hmm just thought thatnwas kinda cool :P

    1. Haha I just told Ryan, A commenter called me a sweetie today. And he snorted and said "I wish these people could meet you in real life."

      Whatever though, I wish I could meet you all in real life too.

      And watch out for Pinterest. That shit is addictive.

      Thanks for Reading!! (and calling me a sweetie because no one calls me that in real life, even though I totally am one RYAN)


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