Only Two of These Things are Interesting. Actually, Upon Rereading, Maybe Only One.
1. Upon arriving to work each morning I have to pour out all the old water in my Sigg water bottle and fill it up with new water. Why? Because I have this fear that maybe one of the cleaning people spit in the old water when they were emptying my garbage. This is a serious fear.
2. Before bed every night I HAVE to check for spiders in and around the bed. It’s because I saw the movie Arachniphobia as a small child. Once Ryan got a giant spider bite in the middle of the night and was all “Oh good job checking for spiders last night Lauren.”
3. I don’t know what I’d actually do if I found a spider in the bed. Because I don’t like killing things. So I’d probably trap it with a cup and a paper plate and then have to take it eleven floors down to rerelease back into the wild. Unless it was winter and too cold outside for Laurens and spiders. Then I’d probably just release it into the hallway of our condo building, right next to the door of Ryan’s archnemesis, the guy that lives below us.
4. I have this weird hole in the side of one of my pinky toes. It’s not gross or smelly or anything it’s just a big gaping hole like the exact size of a tic tac. (Please don’t ask me how I know that.) And I couldn’t find anything online about it and it started to hurt so I went to the doctor’s office. And then the first doctor didn’t know what it was and wanted to spray some liquid nitrogen into the hole for good measure which sounded glorious and all but I wasn’t too disappointed when the second doctor decided that that was a bad idea because it made no effing sense. But then he didn’t know what was going on with my toe either so he went to get a third doctor who was a dermatologist. The third doctor shined a little tiny flashlight into what the three educated men were now calling my “Toe-hole” and said “hmmmmmm” and then they all left the room, I assumed to get a fourth doctor, or a camera, so they could collect photographic evidence of my mysterious toe-hole for some esteemed medical journal, which I was NOT ok with because I was having a bad foot day. I prepared to let them all down gently. But then just the first doctor came back and told me to try Lamisil and left. Instead of getting the Lamisil I made an appointment with a Podiatrist because seriously I am not going to take the advice of three idiots who first tried to fill the hole with liquid nitrogen and then tried to treat me for Athlete’s Foot. So until at least this coming Tuesday I will still be walking around with my toe-hole which I have lovingly named Justin Timberlake so I can say things like “If you need me, I’ll be in the shower soaping up Justin Timberlake” to Ryan.
5. Once when Ryan and I were in
we went to the grocery store to get some vacation survival supplies, a.k.a. Lots of liquor, which is necessary whenever Ryan and I are planning on spending a huge amount of uninterrupted by other people time with each other. So I was wandering down the dairy aisle alone, having ditched Ryan in a desperate attempt to have some me time, when some guy who was leaning over to grab a gallon of milk thought I was his friend and was all like “hey grab this” as he swung the gallon of milk back….directly into my face. It hurt a lot. When we got back to the hotel Ryan called the front desk for ice packs, tons and tons of ice packs. The guy who brought them up took one look at me and then sent Security up since it was clear that Ryan was beating me and then making up ridiculous stories about gallons of milk. It was eventually all sorted out and I got one very lovely night all to myself. Orlando
Posted On 6/22/2011