Meet My Other Half. Notice I Didn't Say Better Half.
He is a very important trader at the Chicago Board of Trade. This means he gets calls at three in the morning from the guys that trade for him overnight. It’s lovely, truly. And the master bathroom door, from behind which he yammers away about unemployment numbers and such, is totally TOTALLY soundproof. It’s made of like wet tissue paper, so, I mean, clearly it’s impenetrable.
He can sing. Or at least that’s what other people tell me. He does not sing in front of me, much less to me. In fact, when we were dancing our first dance at our wedding, I was the one singing to him, and it was the song “You Are The Best Thing” which is sung by a bearded hippie man in real life, not a clean-shaven (at least on my wedding day), drug-free (unless you’re one of those people that count alcohol as a drug), tone-deaf, corseted to the point of almost-death girl. The only times I have ever really heard Ryan sing are:
1. In our high school senior talent show when he was pretending to be either Bill or Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and singing Good Riddance by GreenDay. But I wasn’t really paying attention because I was busy getting my hair French-braided by my bff . Which is why I do not remember if he was Bill or Ted. Also, I do not know which one is Bill and which one is Ted.
2. When he is pretending to be Joe Cocker and singing Joe Cocker songs in his Joe Cocker voice. Or maybe this is just his real voice? And he hasn’t admitted this to me because one time I laughed at him so hard when he was singing like this that I fell off my chair and got a really big butt bruise?
3. When he thinks I’m sleeping or in the shower or something and he sings songs to the dogs. Songs in which he replaces all nouns with the names of our dogs. One time he was all “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got my Daisy Mae. I guess Zooey would say, what could make me feel this way? My dogs.” And then I laughed so hard I fell off the bed and got a really big butt bruise. In the same spot as the Joe Cocker butt bruise.
This is a picture of Ryan playing the picture and singing to the whole wedding party at our wedding. I was off taking my individual shots (like pictures, not vodka), clearly.
I am glad Ryan doesn’t sing to me or in front of me. Because as history has demonstrated, his singing makes my butt hurt.
Ryan is pretty athletic. He loves to ski and wakeboard and is pretty good at both. He plays soccer (with work), softball (with me!) and volleyball (even though he’s not that tall) recreationally. He also ran the hottest
marathon in history and then quit running forever. Chicago
Posted On 6/21/2011