Five Things Friday: A Fascinating Story About Eggs.

1. Yesterday I slipped on our driveway while unloading groceries and dropped the eggs.  Three broke all over the driveway. I meant to clean them up but  then the baby starting fussing and I forgot and when Ryan got home from work he was like, "What the heck is going on with the driveway LAUREN!?" And I totally lost my nerve and was all, "We must have gotten egged! By unknown neighborhood kids.  You should go clean it up since you saw it first."

2. I had bought the eggs in the first place to make deviled eggs because I need foods I can eat with one hand and I am sick of granola bars and bananas.  I made deviled eggs out of the rest of the eggs remaining after the driveway incident.  Last night I noticed Ryan counting something in the fridge and then he turned to me and asked all suspiciously, "How many deviled eggs did you eat today exactly?"  I did some quick, 'add six deviled egg halves to the actual amount of eggs I had eaten to make up for the driveway eggs' and said, "Umm Nine? Is that right?"

3. At that point Ryan sighed and was like, "You're really running with this egg story huh?"  And I was like, "I'm not running anywhere with anything RYAN, I ate nine deviled eggs today."

4. After I put the baby down following one of her middle of the night feedings, I was starving and decided I wanted one more deviled egg and as I was in the kitchen eating it, I sneezed twice.  And inadvertently squeezed my hand around the egg in the process.  So I did what any person would do and began licking the detriment off of my fingers like they were deviled egg popsicles.  And that is the story of how my husband heard me whimpering softly in the kitchen at 3AM and came in asking what was wrong only to be told "What does it look like is wrong? I'm exhausted and somehow have been reduced to sucking on eggs.  I'm no better than a goddam platypus."  He might be the only husband in history that had to spend a good three minutes patting his wife's back and saying things like "Don't be silly, you're much much better than a platypus," and "I think you mean mongoose anyway." in a soothing voice in the middle of the night.

5. I've run out of things to say about eggs.  NO WAIT.  I HAVEN'T.  Look at what one of my lady eggs made.

Say Hello! I don't bite! Unless you are a deviled egg and then I will bite the heck out of you.

PS Ryan did in fact clean up the driveway eggs but I then made him a double batch of his favorite chocolate chip cookies for being such a good husband.

Introducing Little Bunny Fifi.

Hello Blogstalkers!

I thought I'd take just a minute to drop in and give you all the details on our small baby.  Life is crazy right now with a newborn that pretty much refuses to sleep anywhere but on top of her mother (that's right, I'm totally a mother now) but I'm hoping to have the blog up and running again very soon.

Until then,

Meet Fiona Violet Gallagher
Born at 12:42 AM on January 6th, 2014
7'13" and 20.5 inches long.

The day she was born.

I've had a ton of requests for her birth story on Facebook and via email so I'm going to go ahead and write it out here in two parts. So if that is not something that interests you, by all means, do not read ahead.  I promise not everything from here on out will be baby-themed.  So don't quit me please?

It all began on a ridiculously snowy Saturday in January.  The lease was about up on our current car and Ryan had been wanting to buy a new vehicle for some time.  The fact that I was due in just days was making him more anxious than ever to finalize some sort of car decision.  So on this Saturday off we went to the dealership to spend a couple of hours test driving some of our new car options.

And by test driving of course, I mean, Ryan drove and I sat in the passenger seat and said things like, "If you hit another pothole I am going to take off my foot and smack you with it," and "This car does not have nearly enough stomach support."

So at this point I was like...MASSIVELY pregnant and I got a lot of comments and questions about when I was due.  "In five days," I would answer smilingly then internally sigh thinking "OHMYGOD how am I going to last five more days and then probably ten more days after that."  Because I was positive that I was going to go late.  Like 99% sure.  Because my mom had been late with all five of her pregnancies and as of my 39 week prenatal appointment I had not started progressing at all.  And I was crabby about that, in case you could not tell.    

Anyway, we didn't buy a car that day because I suddenly started to feel really very yucky and my husband got worried and wanted to get me home to rest.  And then the car dealership guy, to me, was all like, "Well why don't you go ahead and drive your old car home and we'll handle the business end of things and get your husband set up in a new car and he can just meet you there later!"  And I was like (in my head), "That will not work for me you ding-a-ling."  Because I could barely fit into the drivers' seat of our car at that point, much less reach the steering wheel.  

Out loud, Ryan simply replied, "Sorry but no, I'm sort of loath to send my sick and extremely pregnant wife off into a snowstorm on her own at this point, I'm sure you understand."  And then as he walked away he muttered, "you ding-a-ling."  This is how I know we are perfect for each other.

(To sort of understand just how big my belly got during this pregnancy, here is a picture of me 34 weeks pregnant.  I still had 5.5 weeks to go at this point.)

So home we went.  I took a nap that afternoon and then that night my BFF Vanessa (who is newly engaged yay! And who moved to Atlanta with her fiancĂ© today..tear...) came over with said fiancĂ© and brought dinner.  Because she is a lovely person and I will never have another best friend who is as awesome as she is and I'm so sad she doesn't live in the same city as me any longer and HORMONES, sob.  We just watched whatever basketball game was on and they went home soon after.  At some point I had this text conversation with my sister.

Talking about car colors.

Jackson is her dog.

Then I headed off to bed.  I finally fell asleep around two and was woken just before four by my dog whining.  "She must have to go outside," I told Ryan and then heaved myself out of bed to use the washroom while he went to tend to the dogs."  I just made it to the bathroom before my water broke.  I sat there sort of stunned for a minute, I had not expected this AT ALL.  Then a giant smile spread over my face and I realized I was going to be holding my baby within 24 hours.*

*My hospital, like many, sets a 24 hour deadline for delivery for patients whose water has broken, to prevent infection.

I heard Ryan trudging back up the stairs mumbling about polar vortexes and things that go bark in the night and I halfway shouted, "Ryan! My water broke!"  He came to the bathroom door looking sort of annoyed and was like "The pipes broke?"  At which point I was like, "Pipes? Well...NO, that's not really how it works," and thought "Maybe Ryan skipping that one birthing class was not the grandest of ideas."

"Wait," he said next, "Do you mean your water broke? Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure."

"I thought you meant like the plumbing in the bathroom, because it's so cold outside."

Because yeah, it was the coldest night in Chicago in recent history, with a recorded wind chill of approximately -50 degrees, no joke.

But anyway, as soon as we were on the same page about what had broken, we jumped into action.  I took a shower and Ryan packed his hospital bag and got everything all loaded into the (not new) car.  Finally I made my way outside (OHMYGODCOLD) and we were on our way.  I waved to the doorman in the condo building next door as we left and he smiled hugely at me and waved exuberantly back as he figured out what exactly was going on.

Next up: The hospital and everything going quickly and swimmingly until it starts going the opposite of that.  Spoiler: Everyone is just fine and dandy in the end.

See you soon with the rest Blogstalkers!  For now here is a picture of my baby at one week of age.  She has very chubby cheeks.

Leave me a comment so I know you're still out there?

I've Always Wanted To Do A Swan Song. So Much So, That One Time At The Zoo, I Saw A Swan And Then Made The Noise I Thought That Swan Would Make. Ryan Said That Didn't Count.

Hello lovely Blogstalkers.

So I really dislike writing this post and if you enjoy reading my blog then you might dislike reading it.

If you think this site is ridiculous (it is!) and only visit for scoffing purposes and sometimes find yourself hoping that if I am going to Starbucks to get pumpkin bread, that they will be out of pumpkin bread, then this might be right up your alley.

Basically, I'm going to take a little hiatus from blogging.

And now, whichever camp you fall into, you're all like "But Lauren, you have already been doing that for quite a while, you almost never update any longer."  And that is a true story.  So I guess this is just a formal announcement.

My reasons for this are manyfold and I'll try to enumerate a couple of them now.

1. Obviously I am pregnant.  This in itself doesn't really keep me from blogging.  The fact that the pregnancy has brought with it seemingly never-ending morning sickness does not help and the additional fact that the baby and I have somehow worked in tandem this last week to dislocate one of my ribs also does not help.  With how often I damage my bones, you'd swear they were made of white chocolate.  And now I kind of want to gnaw on my finger a little to see if that is true....which brings me to my next point.

2. I don't use the word 'crazy' lightly but I am pretty sure I am going crazy.  I've mentioned that being pregnant, I'm not taking any of my normal anxiety and depression drugs.  I like to think I stuck it out drug free pretty well for the first two trimesters.  But now it's all catching up with me.  Like today?  I ran around the parking lot at the grocery store grinding ground grapes (which are basically regular grapes that someone has dropped on the ground) into grape juice with my shoe because I saw them and then got all worried that a dog would eat the grapes.  Because grapes are POISON to dogs.  And I'll admit it's POSSIBLE that I would have done the exact same thing even heavily medicated because grapes and raisins are a big worry of mine basically all of the time, but it felt like a crazy thing to be doing.  Also, panic attacks and a never ending fear that world is going to just come to an end before I get to meet this baby.  I hate feeling anxious and it's not good for me to feel anxious and I'm at the point that I'm almost constantly anxious.  So I'm trying to cut down on any and all forms of stress at the moment.

3. Which leads into reason number three.  I started this blog because I was newly married and had SO MANY THINGS to talk about and Ryan was all, "I don't care that you found one really long hair on your calf today in the shower and no I do not want to speculate on whether it just grew really fast or if you missed it shaving "like a thousand times"".  And so I told you all of that extremely interesting stuff.  And now?  I find myself struggling for extremely interesting stuff about which to write.  I just feel like...I've lost my writing mojo for the moment.  Like for example, I swore up and down I would never use the word 'mojo' in my writing and just recently I broke that rule.  It's really not that I have nothing left to put down on paper.  (And even if I did, I think we all know I can be pretty excellent at writing about absolutely nothing from time to time.)  It's just that nothing is coming out right.  And it's all a struggle and I actually get nervous to sit down at my computer and try to pound out a post.  And once I do actually write something and click 'post' I usually hate the post and sit around judging myself for a couple of days until I start to feel guilty for not posting more and start the cycle all over again.

I think a break might restore my perspective on blogging.  It might remind me that I've been lucky to have a miniscule amount of success with all of this and I think it'll definitely remind me about how much I LOVED LOVED LOVED writing and this blog and not using the word mojo just a short time ago.

Also, how do you even spell miniscule?  Because I keep getting the red LEARN HOW TO SPELL line under that word.  Does it actually have a Q in it?  Minuscule?  Really?  That seems wrong.  Words no make sense to Lauren brain this night.

So I think that just about sums up what is going on with me at the moment.  I don't want to make any promises right now about when I'll be back because I think I've more than proven in the past that I am just shite at follow-through (it's why I didn't make the basketball team in high school... also I did not try out because I was too busy memorizing like half of Romeo and Juliet for the purpose of impressing people in college.)

Also I wore leggings in college before they were cool.  Ryan likes to say that all that means is that they WERE NOT COOL YET and not that I was cool and other people were not quite caught up.

Also once the Business Dean at my college called me a remarkable addition to the class of 2006 after I told him the story of how I somehow landed an internship during a job fair at which I was wearing flip flops and socks (it is a long story).  Ryan likes to say that remarkable literally only means "worth making a remark about" and does not necessarily denote something grandiose and/or impressive.  And then he likes to say, you should have told him about how you were also wearing stretch pants.

And then I like to say, they are called leggings RYAN.

Woah man, tangent city.

So the plan for now is, I'm taking a break.  And I'll be back at some point but I don't know when.  I assure you I will let you know at least when my offspring makes her appearance.

But uh, all of that being said, I want the very last thing I say here for the time being to be this: You, my Blogstalkers, delightful, wonderful and remarkable (in a grandiose and impressive way) people that you are, are the thing that is making this decision an incredibly difficult one.  You've been my constant and estimable companions these last couple of years and I don't know if I could love you more for it.  I could try...but then it might veer into a creepy kind of love where I try to find out your addresses so I can come to your houses and look at you through the windows whilst you shout things like, "I never thought I'd say this to you but I hope Starbucks is out of pumpkin bread tomorrow morning!"

So I guess, I'll see you when I see you?  And until then you don't change and I'll attempt to not move my right arm over my head so as not to exasperate my rib per my doctor's advice, though I do always question his advice seeing as he is named after a snack cake.

And then I question if his family invented the snack cake in question and he is quite rich.  And then I question if THAT is the case then why on earth does he not just spend his days swimming in a pool of fig treats instead of delivering babies and answering personal questions about whether or not his family invented a type of snack cake.

Alright Lauren, time to say See You Later.  Be gentle Blogstalkers.

P.S. I'll still be full of mad amounts of Facebook updates so friend me there if you're interested in keeping up.  That's where I'll post photos and ridiculous happenings for the time being.

Giveaway Winner Announcement

I've been morning sickness-y again this week so I'll cut right to the chase today Blogstalkers.

After sorting through comments and duplicate comments and tweets and emails, etc, as determined by a random number generator, the winner of the spectacular holiday giveaway is Jenna212.

So if that's you, shoot an email to and I'll let you know how to claim your prize.  Which is going to be ridiculous.  I would apologize in advance, but honestly I'm not even a little bit sorry, so whatever.

To everyone else, I SO SO wish I could send each of you a box of cheer, because spreading holiday cheer is probably my favorite thing in the world to do, but ALAS Ryan won't let me do that.  He's such a disappointment to me sometimes.

But anyway, I'll hopefully be doing another giveaway again on my birthday in January, so you shouldn't have too long to wait to enter again!

I hope everyone has a fantastic long weekend (if you're here in the states) and a fantastic regular sized weekend otherwise.  There's actually a lot of good things to be said about regular sized things.  I remember when I was regular sized.  I could see my feet then.

Cheer Times A Million,

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