You Set My Heart Aquiver.

It's Friday, Blogstalkers.

Time to drink champagne and dance on the table.   Or if you're me, drink Diet Snapple and google "how much does laser hair removal hurt? More or less than cutting yourself in the armpit whilst shaving and then wearing a shirt with seams that rub against said cut? I'm just looking for the least painful option here."

(After that childbirth stuff early this year, while still semi-drugged, I told Ryan that pain didn't have the same hold over me anymore.  Apparently, I was all, "I feel like I could get bow-and-arrowed and not even blink."  Then the doctor came in and asked what my pain level was on a scale of 1 to 10 and I guess I said "TWO" very forcefully and then turned to Ryan and was all, "See?"  He likes to remind me of this when I slam my shirt in the car door and near-faint from the almost-pain.)

But anyway, I just wanted to take a quick moment today to express my extreme gratitude to all of you.  I know this blog is a silly little thing full of ridiculous stories but it's something I'm proud of and something that keeps me happy when life is trying its best to bow-and-arrow me.

I've just started posting more regularly again after my self-imposed maternity leave and already my clicky numbers are climbing back up to where they were last year.  And that is insane to me.  I feel incredibly lucky to have found this niche.  Although in fairness, I didn't do any of the finding.  You all found me.  And rescued me a lot.  Thank You a hundred million times over.

And because my love language is the one where you give presents, I'm giving out presents today.

A comment of any sort earns you an entry.  There will be three winners.  The prizes are as follows:

1 - Three months membership to a Cheese of The Month Club.  This is like a fruit of the month club but with less fucking pineapples.

2 - A $50 Amazon Giftcard.

3 - A life size cardboard cutout of Justin Timberlake.  Or if this is not something that interests you, then another $50 Amazon Giftcard.  I think we all know what the correct choice is here though.

So that's all for now.

Comment away, superheroes.

P.S. The giveaway will run for one week.  Winners will be chosen using a random number generator Friday October 3rd.

P.P.S. Comments have hit 200+ now so to see your comment, you'll have to click "Load More" at the very bottom of the page.

P.P.P.S. I'm having some comment issues so if you can't comment, but want to enter the giveaway, just comment on my Facebook status letting me know.  (You can find my FB profile link at the top right of the blog.)

P.P.P.P.S. Here is a picture of my baby, as requested.  If you want more pictures of my baby, follow me on Instagram because that is basically the only thing I post on Instagram.  (Link again, at top right of the blog.)

Make Like A Tree and Leaf

Happy Fall Blogstalkers!

I realize the first day of fall, at least here in the states, was a couple of days ago, but I really feel like Happy Fall is something one can say all the days of the Autumn.  The same is not true of Winter.  Because like, on the first day of Winter, everyone is all "Happy Winter! It's almost Christmas! Isn't snow magical! LOOK AT MY BOOTS!" but on February 17th, or heck, March 25th if we're talking about Chicago, if you tried to say Happy Winter to anyone they'd probably sic the mafia on you.

And then I'd be all, "You can't sic the mafia on us, we ARE the mafia!"  And Ryan would be like, "Lauren, for the love of god, be quiet."  And out of the side of my mouth I'd be like, Just play along POTATOES...yeah that's right you heard me, this here is Ryan Potatoes Gallagher.  He'll bury you deep in the earth like a potato."

But all of that is to say, I have an entirely different story to tell you about Fiona's new toy.

This is what it looks like:

I thought it was a perfectly nice toy.  At first.

Ryan: I love this thing.

Lauren: I know! Did you notice that the F, the L and the R are all in a line?  The toy is basically saying that we belong together and that we named our daughter appropriately.  It's like an incredibly accurate zodiac chart.   We'll have to think of an "X" name for our next child of course, but I feel OK with that.

Ryan: What are you even talking about?  I meant, I love this thing because L, as in Lauren

Lauren: Yes I know which letter my own name starts with Ryan.

Ryan: As I was saying, the L, as in Lauren, is a leaf and the R

Lauren: As in Ringo.

Ryan: *Totally ignoring me* As in Ryan, is a rake.  And rakes are in charge of leaves.  So.

Lauren: What!? *shreakily*  I mean, ahem, of course.

Ryan: Oh do explain how this is a good thing for you.

Lauren:  Well, I've not had much time to come up with this rebuttal but...leaves basically spend their time taunting rakes.  Like, "Look at me up in the sky, being awesome and making friends with squirrels while you slowly rust on the ground waiting for me."

Ryan: You're grasping at straws.

Lauren:  *warming to a cause* Plus the life of a leaf is pretty amazing if you think about it.  First they're green and shiny with youth, then resplendently red or orange with age and then finally they slip from the tree and float gracefully to the soft grass below.  And the disgruntled rake is basically just like a leaf chauffeur whose only job it is to gather all the fallen leaves together into a big leaf party which then provides immense amounts of fun for children.  And the rake just hangs on the wall in the musty garage and talks to the shovel all day.  And the shovel is like, "Don't you like digging?"  And the rake is all, "Not particularly."


Lauren: Plus people are always like, "OH look at the leaves!" and "Aren't the leaves gorgeous today!" And "I love the fall, with all the beautiful leaves."  But the only thing they ever say about rakes is " God Dammit I have to rake today."

Ryan: Fine, you win.

Lauren: Say you wish you were a leaf.

Ryan: I wish I was a leaf.

*Later that night*

Lauren: I don't know why you thought that toy was ever going to be on your side.  I was looking at it more closely tonight and G is for Goat and 3 is for 3 waistcoats, which are like fancy vests, and those are two things I love.  Plus 5 stands for 5 tops and everyone knows you hate tops.

Ryan: I hate that toy is what I hate.

Lauren: I think my work here is done.

(P.S. Thanks to Lydia in the comments of a previous post for suggesting that Potatoes be Ryan's mob name instead of his last name when I was bemoaning the fact that if he was Ryan Potatoes I had to be Mrs. Potatoes.  The comment section is always full of incredibly intelligent conversation and debate, as you can tell, you should check it out.)

Talk To Me Tuesday - Cheese and Apples

Good Day Blogstalkers,

I think I've mentioned before that Ryan is nuts for technology.  So when the new iPhone came out recently, he rushed to buy it through pre-sale.  He's using my update because I'm perfectly happy with his old phones.  But sometimes I do make him beg a little.  Just to brighten up my day.  Today he was notified his phone was ready and so he informed me he would be picking it up at lunch.  The following is our chat conversation on the subject.

Lauren: I'm so confused.  You want the new phone because it's SO BIG.  But the last time you wanted a new phone it was because it was SO SMALL.  I clearly remember the conversation.  Because you were trying to convince me to give you my last update for the tiny phone and I was like, RYAN, either size matters or it does not.  And then you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ryan: Fine.  Size matters.  Final answer.

Lauren: Alright but if a new iPhone comes out in like a year and it's the eensiest weensiest thing, so small you can barely see it and you are like, "It's so small though! It fits right over the top of one of your molars." I'm going to remind you of this conversation.  And then you are not going to get that phone.  And I am going to use your update to get it.  And we will be out to dinner together and your clunky phone will ring and you'll have to wrestle it out of your pocket and smash your palm against the screen to turn it on and breathlessly say "Hello?"  And I will just tap the outside of my cheek lightly to activate my dental-phone, which I've just dialed with my tongue to call you, and barely whisper, "Are you jealous of my phone?"  And you can not get mad.

Ryan:  Fine, whatever, so I can have your update?

Lauren: You've agreed to my term, so yes.  Are you going to geek out about your new phone and laud it across all your social media platforms?

Ryan: No I am not going to do that.  I'm going to be quietly euphoric.

Lauren: would you even share a picture of your new phone if you wanted to?  It's not possible!  I've found a loophole in Apple technology.  A wormhole I guess technically.  Wait, these new phones can't take pictures of themselves can they?

Ryan: I really don't think that's a feature anyone wants.

Lauren: What!? Yes it is.  People would love to be self-photographic.  Imagine if all humans had cameras built in.  I would adore not having to carry my huge camera around.  I could like, go to the Eiffel Tower and stand in front of it and just like...blink...and have a timeless photo of myself.

Ryan: I don't think blinking would be best way to use this camera.  You'd have your eyes closed in every picture.

Lauren: Huh...How would you make it work then?  Saying "cheese" is obviously out.  If my picture got taken every time I did that then I'd just have a million pictures of me blurrily running toward Parisian cheese stands or sitting wide-eyed in front of the mini-fridge at the hotel shoving a hunk of gouda in my mouth.

Ryan: Lovely.

Lauren: And the hotel desk people would be like, "Mademoiselle we got the note you left about how you'd like your mini-cheese-bar restocked, "this time with full-size cheeses" because a "probable mouse" must have eaten everything that was in your fridge because it certainly wasn't you that ate all that cheese, and even if it was, that wouldn't be shameful because this hotel basically has the daintiest cheeses ever."

Ryan: Oh dear lord.

Lauren: And I'd be like, "Yes, a big fat mouse ate all that cheese."  And they'd be all, "Well actually we know it was you because you were using our wireless network and your mind photos were automatically uploaded to Le Nuage (which is The Cloud in French)...and well...

In gym clothes, eating cheese.

And then Ryan stopped responding.

Talk to me Blogstalkers.  Eaten anything good with cheese lately?  Read any good books?  Today I ate tiny microwaveable beef and cheese tacos for lunch while I read Accounting for dummies (to maintain all of my professional knowledge whilst I am being a mom) so I really need help in both areas.

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